What it means and what you should do if a woman you are dating keeps and encourages romantic male orbiters.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has read my first book, How To Be A 3% Man, about twelve times. He was married for sixteen years until he found out his wife was cheating. Now he has been dating a woman for about five months who has several male orbiters who are ex-boyfriends of hers and who she occasionally has hooked up with in the past. He’s caught her lying to him about them in order to conceal their continued constant contact.
He’s noticed several other red flags and is feeling really insecure about being with her. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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This is the interesting thing about life and the way the universe works; when you have either a knowledge gap, or a flaw, or a fault, or a blind spot, or a weakness that you need to overcome, you get burned by people who really expose the chinks in your armor, so to speak. And until you transcend them, and overcome them, and become strong enough, you continue to attract the same kind of people into your life until you can handle it, until you can identify them, and let them be, and move on and not get too involved.
This guy is attracting another woman who’s starting to exhibit some of the same signs. And guys who don’t really love, value and respect themselves will make excuses for this behavior. Guys who love and value themselves are going to be like, “I’m out of here. I’m not down with this. She’s displaying character traits or character flaws that I just simply don’t like and I’m not interested in.”
The longer you stay, the harder it is to leave, so you want to create the conditions where women feel safe and comfortable and love being around you, and they let their guard down and their true character comes out. That’s why it’s helpful to be stoic, kind of be like the charming James Bond with a little bit of Sherlock Holmes and just observe. Gather all your intel, and then once you have all your intel, then you make your decision.
If you start trying to control the woman or can cajole or force her to be a certain way, all she’s going to do is just not tell you things she would have normally felt comfortable enough to tell you. It makes it harder to vet them, and that stretches things out. And the more months you spend with somebody, the harder it is to leave, because now your emotions are engaged and that’s going to override all logic and reason.
Whereas, if you found it out in a matter of a few weeks or a month or so that they had all these undesirable qualities, you could have just been like, “Hey, you know what? She’s a friends with benefits, but I’m going to keep dating other women.” And then when somebody better comes along, you’ll say, “Hey, I met somebody else and I’m going to give that all I’ve got. You know, you’ve been great. It’s not you. It’s me.” Women say it to guys all the time. There’s nothing wrong with men saying these things to women who just don’t measure up, because there’s a lot of them out there.
I’ve read your book 12 times and have had tons of interest from women.
Background: I was married for 16 years until I found out my wife cheated on me 3 years ago. She cheated with an old friend that she reunited with via Facebook. This situation has brought me from a confident alpha male to an insecure worrier.
Well, what you fear you attract, congratulations. But what you look at disappears. And that’s why you’ve got to just be very matter of fact when it comes to dating and vetting. It’s like, “I’m going to see what she’s like. I’m going to assume she’s a good girl and a good person, and I’m going to treat her as such. But I’m going to sit back and I’m going to observe. And if I see any shady shit or wacky ass behavior, then I will pull the plug at a time and place of my choosing.”
Since then, I’ve met an amazing woman who is 15 years younger than me.
Notice, he says “She’s amazing.” Really? We’ll go through the rest of this email, and we’ll see if you guys think she’s amazing.
I’m 49, and she is 34. We had an instant connection, and we are highly attracted to each other mentally, emotionally and physically. We’ve been together for almost 5 months, are in love and spend almost all of our free time together willingly. We can’t get enough of each other.
So, the emotions are overriding all the logic and the reason. This is why you take your time. Like Rumi says, “Slow and steady, like the river that never grows stale. No hurry, no rush.”
We treat each other very well. However, I found out that she was still texting with her ex-boyfriend who she saw on and off for 2 years. He still wanted her back, (he’s currently married).
Oh, that sounds really healthy. That sounds like Jerry Springer type stuff. Anyway, back to our regularly scheduled email.
I saw some texts. He was asking why she wouldn’t see him but would text him. She told him to leave her alone.
Well, that’s a good sign.
However, she would still entertain him with text replies. Her texts back seemed to be one or two word replies.
Okay, so that shows low interest. Maybe she’s just doing it to be nice because of their history together, but the bottom line is she has a married ex-boyfriend who is trying to get her back, apparently, or trying to hook up with her or spend time with her.
The main problem is when I saw his name come up, she said it was a lady friend.
She lied about it on 3 separate occasions.
This is why you keep your mouth shut and you just pretend like you don’t see anything. “Oh, I didn’t notice that. Oh, there’s another guy whose name is popping up in her phone. I wonder who that could be. Must be a chick with a guy’s name, of course.”
I finally googled the phone number and found out it was a guy. I called her out on it. She said that she lied to spare my feelings.
Okay, that sounds like a really honest and trustworthy gal. If she lies about that, what else is she lying about? Remember, this guy is like, “We’re in love with each other. It’s amazing.” I know I’m fucking savage, but who’s going to tell you the truth? Anybody other than the Coach? Because I’m sure you’ve got plenty of people in your life going, “Oh, if it’s meant to be it’ll work out. It’ll be fine, it’s fine.”
She said that he means nothing, did nothing, haven’t seen him and doesn’t tell him that she wants him in any way. She tried to justify her lying.
That’s what liars do. Just like all the stuff they’ve told us over the last eighteen months. “If you get the jab, we can go back to normal.” Right? Doesn’t seem like things have gone back to normal, have they? Hmm… yeah. Lying politicians are going to lie. What a shock.
She texted him in front of me and told him to never contact her, then blocked his number and deleted his number in front of me.
Well, you won’t know unless he stays permanently deleted. And that’s why you’ve got to make her think, “Hey, the coast is clear.”
My reaction was fairly harsh. I said some things that were mean. Now she thinks that I’m controlling and possessive. I wonder if she has other men behind the scenes.
Well, like Gerald Celente of the Trends Research Institute says, “Current events form future trends.”
To make things worse, I have an issue with her having a male best friend of 10 years. They talk via text every day. He is an ex-boyfriend from 10 years ago. They dated a short time back then.
I’m sure he probably still wants to get in there and beat up her pelvis.
About 6 years ago, they hooked up for sex after a party.
See? Yeah, exactly. “You don’t have to worry about him, he’s just a friend, (until we have sex, of course), but he’s still just a friend.”
So I’m more insecure about their relationship.
You should be.
She hasn’t seen him since we’ve been dating and is respecting my wish for her not to.
So, in other words, she would see him and fuck him, but because you’ve asked her not to, she’s being trustworthy. Okay, sure.
Now with this current lie, I’m feeling uneasy. Am I just being insecure, or do I have reasonable concerns?
Well, if I were you, I’d have a lot of reasonable concerns.
Besides this, I have no other red flags about her. I could really use your advice.
Keep up the great job helping us all.
Have a great day,
Well, Sherlock Holmes, James Bond would just sit back and go, “it’s fine.” Just pay attention, because, that’s not a good sign, dude. Not a good sign at all. She’s deceived you about other men continuously and on multiple occasions. And so, those are just the lies that you’ve caught her in. You have to assume, because, as Gerald Celente says, “Current events form future trends,” that there’s probably other lies.
But don’t get upset, don’t get mad, don’t get angry. And when she’s like, “How is everything between us, baby?” go, “Honey, it’s swell. I love you.” Just be observant, gather your evidence. I think it was Sun Tzu, who said, I’m paraphrasing, “Gather your forces. Let your enemy think everything is fine. And then when you’re ready, you strike like a thunderbolt.”
So, that’s what I would do if I were you. I would just wait, gather the evidence, and then once you have overwhelming evidence and you see little lies here and there, make her think you trust her implicitly, and it’s great, and it’s wonderful, and you’re okay with everything, and just see what you can find out. Because people can hide who they are for about the first ninety days, and obviously you’re five months in now, and so things are starting to come out. You’ve caught her lying about other men.
And as you said, your wife cheated on you and you probably didn’t see it. Sixteen years, and she cheated on you. And so, the way I look at this is the universe is giving you some red flags, and it’s up to you to find out if she could be trustworthy or not. But quite frankly, it’s not looking good. But like I said, hang back, wait until you have all of your evidence and your data and you’re 100% certain of it.
Because, like I said, what is the likelihood this is going to work out or not? I’d say, if I was in Vegas, I would not be betting that this would work out. I’m at like a 50/50 shot. There’s probably a 60% chance she’s just not trustworthy. So, there’s a 60% chance your relationship is fucked. I’d probably be wearing a condom with her, so you don’t slip one past the goalie or get a gift that keeps on giving. You just don’t know what you don’t know. But it ain’t looking good, bro. I’m just going to be honest with you.
I know you’re all in love and you’ll probably rationalize that away, but like I said, just keep your wits about you. And then when you get all your data and your information and you have overwhelming evidence, you strike like a bolt of thunder.
Like, wouldn’t it be nice, all those Talibi-bastards in Afghanistan, they’re all in one place. God, we could completely turn the tables on those guys now, work in the shadows, just pick them off at our leisure. The worst of the worst, we’ll pick them off at our leisure. “Oh, look, something happened to that guy. Gee, what a shame. Dangerous place.” Anyway, I digress.
So, if you’d like to get my help personally in a personal challenge or a professional challenge, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
“Women who didn’t have a good relationship with their father or a good, strong, trustworthy, masculine male role model growing up, often have daddy issues that causes them to be untrustworthy, unfaithful and continually seek out attention from other men, even when they are supposedly in an exclusive relationship. Not all women from broken homes are like this, but an extremely high percentage of them are. Therefore, when dating these kinds of women during the vetting process, it’s essential to give them the freedom to feel safe and comfortable enough to reveal their true character or lack thereof, as trying to control them only causes them to hide who they really are much longer than necessary. This makes it harder to vet them properly and dump them the longer you are together.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne