Here’s why your girlfriend talks to other men and what it really means about her suitability as a romantic partner.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following my work for about two years and has read my first book, How To Be A 3% Man, six times. Before finding my work, he was married five years and got divorced after his wife cheated on him.
He has a new girlfriend of about four months. However, she is often texting, talking to, sometimes hanging out with and taking about a male coworker of hers. She lives about an hour and a half away. He has set healthy boundaries with her, but she seems unfazed by them. He asks what he can do. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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I hope you’re doing well. I’ve been listening to you for almost 2 years now. First of all, I want to thank you. After 5 years of marriage, my ex-wife cheated on me and we went through a divorce. We got married young due to an unplanned pregnancy and things didn’t work out.
Yeah, marriage is a really serious legal commitment, especially when you get the government involved. And unfortunately, lots of people kind of take that lightly. A lot of people get married for the wrong reasons, and just because you knocked somebody up, it’s not a good reason to just get married because of that. A marriage or a commitment to somebody that you may be just casually dating and hooking up with, or maybe you slipped one past the goalie, it’s not really a good reason to get married.
Obviously, it didn’t work out for him. But, you know, a lot of people do what I did. They get married because they don’t think they’ll find anybody better, or everybody talks them into it, or they don’t say no. A lot of women marry a lot of guys that they’re not in love with, and the guys are completely oblivious to this. They have no idea how to tell one way or another if she’s really into him or not, which obviously I go into detail on in my first book, “How To Be A 3% Man,” which you can read for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just subscribe to the email newsletter.
It seemingly came out of nowhere, but thanks to your book I was able to see where I failed.
Well, the key is you’ve got to have the right reasons, and you’ve got to make sure your goals and your values are aligned. Because if you’re dating somebody, and based on their history, it just doesn’t appear that loyalty is a big deal to them — kind of like a bumper sticker, kind of like our politicians that always throw around the Constitution, as if it means any more than a platitude to them — you can’t take things that people say seriously when their actions don’t match their words.
That’s why dating is like test driving a car. People can hide who they are for about the first ninety days of a relationship. And with this particular guy, he doesn’t say until later in the email, she lives an hour and a half away from him. So it’s technically a long distance relationship.
You helped me get through my divorce and become a better man overall. To this date, I have listened to your book 6 times and will continue listening.
Well, you’ve been following me for two years, and you only listened to it six times. That’s part of your problem, my friend. Read it 10–15 times. There’s a reason.
My question is regarding my girlfriend, however. We have been dating for almost 4 months now, and everything is going great.
Sure. If everything was going great, dude, you wouldn’t be writing me.
We laugh together all the time, and she even wants to move in with me.
That’s pretty soon. Four months, and she’s talking about moving in. What does that typically mean? Insecure people do things like that, especially when we see how she’s behaving.
The issue is that she lives about an hour and a half away. She Is always bringing up and talking about a particular coworker.
Obviously, women that talk about other guys, especially somebody they work with, “Oh, he’s just a friend. You don’t have to worry about him,” you don’t have to worry about him until the moment he ends up inside of her. Then it’s a problem. But she’s telling you, in essence. It doesn’t matter what she’s says. The fact that she’s talking about this — women that come from a good family, this is disloyal behavior. They would never do anything like this. They wouldn’t behave this way.
If she was really head over heels in love with you and thought you were the man of her dreams, she wouldn’t be talking to some coworker. Now, it’s nice that she’s revealing this stuff to you, that she’s talking to him, but it’s inappropriate. You’re an hour and a half away and she’s talking about moving in with you, and obviously, it’s still a pretty new relationship.
And then she’s got this other guy that she’s constantly talking about and occasionally spending time with. So, I look at that and go, she’s a fence-sitter. She’s hedging her bets. So, she either gets what she wants with you, or she’ll be jumping into bed with this other guy if she hasn’t already.
She’s talking about moving in with you, and the way you’ve got to look at it is, she has to earn this through her actions. And part of the reason why you apply the principles in the book is that it brings out the worst in the worst right away. So, what happens when she gets frustrated?
Say you’re dating for a year and she still wants to move in, and you’re like, “I’m just not ready.” Or you say, “You’re still talking about all these other dudes. That doesn’t give me a level of comfort that you’d be a good person to be with or that you’re going to be loyal. I wouldn’t do that to you. I wouldn’t be telling you about all the hot girls that I work with and that we’re hanging out together and going to get drinks, doing body shots together and stuff like that.”
It’s like, have some common sense. It’s obvious from this that this is just what she learned growing up. She doesn’t think anything’s wrong with it. This is just natural behavior for her.
At first I didn’t mind, but she brings him up more and more in our conversations.
Well, if she’s bringing him up more, it’s probably because her interest in him is going up. And it’s also possible she might be doing it to try to make you a little jealous, so she can manipulate you. In other words, get her to move in before you’re actually ready. It’s not a good sign. It’s not a healthy way to use leverage. “Oh, I’m going to basically start fucking my coworker if you don’t want me to move in with you right away.”
These are little things, little red flags, that show this woman is insecure. You’ve got to remember, people that cheat and lie, that are devious, they tend to be narcissistic, they tend to be very insecure. They always have to have other guys around, because she doesn’t want to be single for too long. It’s just not good behavior. These are the kind of women, as soon as things are going bad, they’re talking to some other dude, and fucking some other guy and lining up a replacement.
Here’s how the universe works. You got cheated on by your wife because you made a bad choice and a bad decision, and now here you are. The universe brings you somebody else, who’s already after four months, giving you little red flags that that same behavior is there. So, obviously, you have a blind spot. You’re seeing these things, and you’re tolerating them.
The way I look at it, the reason life continues to bring these kinds of circumstances is so you can recognize them and transcend them, and this is why you date. You see this kind of behavior, this kind of woman is a fuck buddy, friends with benefits, open relationship. I wouldn’t want to be exclusive with somebody that was behaving this way.
She doesn’t act like somebody who has you on a pedestal. She doesn’t act like somebody that’s seeking your attention and validation. It kind of looks like the way she’s operating is she’s trying to use this other guy, potentially, to manipulate you, to basically say, “Hey, if you don’t get your shit together, this other guy.” Women do that.
You don’t want the reason why you move in together, or get exclusive or get married is because she is threatening to spend time with some other dude. She’s not proving to you through her actions that she’s a loyal person. She’s just acting like a snake in the grass, so treat her like a snake in the grass.
When she talks about him, it is always work related, but she seems to speak about him with more and more fondness.
It sounds like she’s interested in him, more interested than you, and she’s probably figured, “Hey, whichever guy makes the effort that I want.” These hoes ain’t loyal. She belongs to the streets!
When we first started dating, he asked her to go on a run with him and they spent an entire day together.
Oh, you don’t have to worry about him at all. Sure.
She told me about it the next day, and I expressed boundaries to her. I told her that I couldn’t control what she does, but I wouldn’t like her hanging out one-on-one with someone of the opposite sex.
Say, “How would you like it if I was hanging out with the new receptionist that I just started working with who’s really hot and really seems to like talking to me and hanging out with me and who has some really cute girlfriends as well?” Say that to her. I’m sure she’d get real jealous of that real fucking fast.
She seemed to understand and agreed.
So, she said some words. Well, what were her actions?
I also noticed that she does text him from time to time. She never hides her phone though.
I just want to know if you think there’s some kind of potential issue there or if I’m just being insecure or something. Is it okay for a girl to text guy friends?
Sure, but this is somebody that she works with. He’s not hanging out with her, unless he’s gay, because he just wants to be her pal. He’s hoping to get in her pants, and he’s trying to fly under the radar by being “the friend.”
If not, what’s the best way to explain that boundary to her without making it seem like I’m trying to control her or something.
Thanks for the help!
I would just say, “Look, you’re already talking about moving in with me, but you’re constantly talking about this guy you work with in glowing terms. Now, if the roles were reversed and I was hanging out with a drop-dead gorgeous, supermodel beautiful receptionist that I’m working for, how would you feel about that? Who I can tell has a crush on me? How would you feel about that? Would you like that? Would you be a little jealous? Would that bother you? Would you think that that’s loving and sweet and kind?”
Obviously, she probably won’t like that very much, but have that conversation with her. If I’m a betting man, if we’re in Vegas and we’re going to put some money on whether or not her attitude changes, because you’ve already set a boundary, but yet her behavior didn’t change, because she’s totally cool with it.
And it’s possible that it’s innocent. Like I said, maybe the dude’s gay, he’s her gay male girlfriend, but it doesn’t sound like it. More than likely, these instances plus the fact that she’s talking about him all the time, and she’s talking about him like you said, “with more and more fondness,” that’s not a good sign.
So, I would reiterate it like the roles were reversed, how she would like it, and see what she does. Give her thirty days. Just say, “Out of respect for me, you’re talking about moving in and all of this stuff, but you’re constantly talking about this other guy, you’re spending time with him, you’re texting him often. That’s not the kind of thing that makes me go, “Yeah, I really want to move in with somebody that’s flirting with other dudes.” I just wouldn’t do that.
Now, guys that don’t know any better just go, “Oh, everything’s wonderful,” and they move right in. And then, obviously, it doesn’t last. It completely blows apart. Remember, drama free zone. How much did you like the drama of finding out your wife was cheating on you and you’re getting divorced? That was some shitty drama. No drama allowed.
And so, these are some major red flags, dude. I would be taking a step back a little bit. I’d be less enthusiastic about spending time with a woman like this if you’re thinking that this is going to be a long-term girlfriend or potential wife, because this is how the universe tests you. Have you transcended what you went through in the past? Because otherwise, it’ll keep happening over and over and over again until you get the lesson.
So, set the boundaries, give her thirty days, see what she does, and if she just continues doing it, I would just say, “Hey, you know, I think you’re great, but I kind of want to see other people. I just don’t think, as far as being exclusive with you, you exude the kind of loyalty that I’m looking for. The right kind of woman would never do what you’ve been doing with this guy, or any guy for that matter.”
“I could understand if you’ve been friends or you’ve known each other, or the dude’s gay, that would be a different story, but this kind of situation, the way you talk about him, I don’t like it. I wouldn’t do it to you, but yet you’re doing it to me. I’ve already expressed how I don’t appreciate this and nothing changed, so your words and your actions don’t match. That just tells me I doubt your integrity. I’m sorry if that upsets you, but that’s where I’m at. I’m looking at your actions and your words, and they don’t match.”
You’ve got to be honest. She might get pissed off and break up with you, but you’ve got to set boundaries, man. And if the chick bounces, that’s the whole point. That’s why you set the boundaries. This weeds out the undesirable women, so you don’t go and get married, and after five years find out that your wife is fucking some other guy, because that’s horrible. No guy wants to go through that.
And plus, you’ve got the expense on top of that. And depending on the state that you’re in, you get raped in divorce court. Luckily, I live in Florida. What you come in with is what you leave with. But in Commie-fornia and some of those other states, men have no rights in the marriage laws.
Again, you can read “How To Be A 3% Man” for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com. You can get these sweet “No Drama Allowed” mugs so you can have them on your desk to remind yourself that your life is a drama free zone. And if you’d like to book a coaching session with yours truly, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page and book a coaching session.
“If your goal is a healthy, loyal, exclusive, monogamous relationship, the best way to not have to sleep with one eye open and to wonder if your partner is faithful is to only date people who share the same goals and values, who come from a family background where they learned loyalty and fidelity from their parents. Dating women who constantly talk fondly about and bring up other men in a complimentary manner that they spend time with or talk to is not a good sign. This is typically how unfaithful romantic partners assuage their guilt for their devious and disloyal behavior.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne