Why women will make a big deal out of seemingly insignificant issues that frustrate men.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who is having a hot and cold relationship with his girlfriend. He knows arguing with a woman is pointless. However, he says sometimes that she has a problem with honesty and filters. She will exaggerate and make problems or issues way bigger than they are. This is frustrating to him as he thinks something is resolved, only for her to get emotional and bring it up again. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be, Why Women Make A Big Deal Out Of Nothing.
In other words, women tend to make a mountain out of a molehill. They tend to take the little things and go, “Ahh!” And it’s us as men, our job is to take those “Ahh” and go, oh, it’s just, it’s just a little thing. And so this particular guy that wrote this email, he says he’s got a hot and cold relationship with his girlfriend.
And so they would talk and they work things out. And then the next breath or the next conversation, hour or two later, she’s saying the same things or referencing something else that happened, and bringing up issues that he thought were resolved. And it’s very frustrating to him because he’s like, we just had this great conversation.
And then literally an hour later, she’s telling me that I’m not doing this or I’m not doing that. And it’s, oh, you know, women tend to they use hyperbole. And you got to understand they’re emotional and they’re reacting to how they feel in the moment. And your job as a man is to not take it personally, not get diminished by that.
Just recognize that she’s giving you instant feedback of how she’s feeling in the moment so you can adjust. Not take shit personally, but you can understand what she’s trying to communicate and not get butthurt about it. And just meet her needs. This is like say you spend a three day weekend with your girlfriend and then Thursday comes around and you haven’t seen her since that Sunday when you dropped her off.
And you’re talking to her Thursday, and she’s like, “We never do anything. You never take me anywhere, you never take me out.” And the guy’s like, “Well, I just took you away for three, three day weekend last. What are you talking about?” All she’s really saying is when she says, you never take me anywhere, it’s just take me out on a date.
You haven’t taken me out since last weekend. But women don’t talk like that. They’re emotional and they’re feeling their emotions, and they just go, you never take me anywhere. And the guy is like, “What are you talking about? I just dropped five grand on that trip last week. What are you talking about?” That’s why you don’t argue.
Because when you argue, all she hears is I’m not changing anything and I’m not taking you anywhere. It’s going to stay the same. And the reason she says you never take me anywhere, is she’s just basically saying, just take me out on a date. Romance me, wine me. Dine me. That’s all. That’s all it is. The guys like, why don’t you just say that? Because they’re women, that’s why.
As Doc Love would say, it’s called womanese. You have to understand how to interpret the language and what it means, and not take it personally. You just got to learn how to understand them. It’s very simple, when you get it. But for a guy that doesn’t get it, it’s like, yeah, that’s why it just goes around and round and round and round in circles, and it never seems to get anywhere. And the same thing comes up over and over and over and over again.
Thanks for your awesome work. I’m having a hot and cold relationship and I have some questions about nuances I don’t have the answers to from your book or videos, yet which maybe is just my oversight.
Well, this is covered in the book about how women tend to take the little things and make a big deal out of.
I know arguing with a woman is pointless. But I also know you have to set your boundaries and set them straight sometimes.
Yes, sometimes you got to put your girl in her place. Especially if she’s being abusive or mean or nasty or just not behaving.
My girlfriend has an issue with honesty and filters.
I think in terms of hyperbole. Like Donald Trump is a master of hyperbole, right? This is the biggest, best, most luxurious condo Trump Tower in all of history. This is the most amazing, exclusive golf course in all of history. Everything is like the biggest, greatest, grandest.
As he always, he’s always doing this, it’s always the greatest, grandest. It’s kind of like that. Women use hyperbole a lot, so don’t take it personally. Just remember she’s selling you on something. She’s selling you and blowing it out of proportion. So you pay attention because she’s like, I don’t like the way I feel.
She lacks empathy socially but has a big heart. She may have a touch of behavioral problems / social norm problems.
Maybe whatever. Or maybe you’re potentially misinterpreting this. As a way to say it’s not my fault. That shit ain’t mine.
We’ve talked over and over and she’s made a lot of efforts to adapt but I can’t tell if I’m sensitive or she’s just insensitive.
Well, based on your email, I would say you’re just misinterpreting things and you’re getting a little upset because she’s upset. Instead of going, what is the real issue here? What is she really complaining about?
I’m far from perfect but I give her good sex regularly and she swoons over me. She’s quite insecure though and she pokes my emotions then seeks comfort for her insecurities.
Because you’re supposed to be the strong one. You’re not supposed to get butthurt. Feminine energy is chaos after all. She’s the one that’s supposed to get emotional and cry and lose her shit and blow things out of proportion like, Ahh! It’s just the way they are. It’s not a big deal.
But if you make it a big deal, then she’s going to get more upset. Especially when you start using logic and reason to explain why you did this or why you did that, or that trip you took her out on last weekend means that what she’s saying in the moment is no big deal.
Remember when a woman feels heard and understood, the legs open. And if you start arguing with her, she’s going to feel like she’s not heard and understood.
An example scenario: we are working on the relationship actively trying to adapt to each other’s needs. We have a couple great days of fun, laughter, and orgasms. We’re cooking food and she says, “we don’t get along, but we make great food.” Mind you this is right after talking about our next future home.
So instead of going, well, we don’t get along. Remember, you just had a couple of days. That’s one of the things that women tend to do if things are going too good for too long. Sometimes women just stir shit up just to see what happens and see how you handle it.
So when she says, we don’t get along, that’s like hyperbole. And all she’s saying is, what it really means is we don’t get along sometimes, but we always make great food together. That’s what she’s really saying. In other words, making great food together is awesome and fun.
And she loves doing it. So she’s giving you a compliment, but she’s saying we don’t get along. Doesn’t mean you never get along. It just means sometimes you don’t get along. But women use hyperbole. It’s like, ah, this is what they do. They kind of blow it out of proportion.
This is why you have to look at it and say, what is she really saying here? We don’t get along. Maybe you had a dust up three days earlier, but we make great food. Sometimes we don’t get along, but things are pretty good overall. That’s how I would kind of interpret that.
It’s annoying to have to hear all these little pokes.
So you’re taking it personally. That’s where you’re going sideways. Just remember it’s feedback. Just like when you just spent a week on a lavish vacation somewhere that you saved up all year. Blew ten grand on it. Plane tickets. Nice.
You had massages the whole nine yards, oils, the hot rocks on your back, and all that shit. Maybe some facials, whatever. You both got your hair done, your nails done, pedicure. You really went full out on this trip. And the 3 or 4 days later she’s like, you never take me anywhere.
You never date me. You’re so horrible to me. And the guy wants to argue. Like I just dropped ten fucking thousand dollars on you last week. What are you talking about? You can’t do that. All she’s saying is when she’s like, you never take me anywhere.
She’s like, you would interpret that to woman ease as, hey, “You haven’t taken me out on a date in a few days. I’d really like to go out on a date. That would be wonderful.” That’s all it really is. There’s no reason to get upset. It’s like, oh. So when she says, “We don’t get along.”
It’s like, “What do you mean?” If you’re like, “You want to get, uh. Do you mean?” You say, “What do you mean? Why do you say we don’t get along? We don’t get along all the time, or sometimes we don’t get along.” It’s quality questions. You have to ask good quality questions.
Don’t take it personally. Just look at it as if she’s trying to give you feedback of what she needs. And I know it’s clumsy and weird and doesn’t make any sense how they communicate, but you got to learn to read between the lines. They use hyperbole, so you got to get past the BS and the hyperbole.
And understand what’s really going on. That’s why it’s easy to understand Trump when you understand what he’s doing. He’s a promoter. He’s always doing that his whole life. This TV show is the greatest, grandest.
What was the TV show that he did all the time? You know where he’s like, “You’re fired.” I can’t even think of the name of it. It’s been off the air so many years now. But he had the show that was on, and of course, whenever he talked, it’s the most successful, best ratings, and grandest awesome, most amazing show in the history of all TV.
In other words, it’s just a really good show and a lot of people watched it. Don’t get too caught up in the hype. So she’s a salesman. Women are salesmen. They’re selling you on where they’re at, because they want you to know that it bothers them and it’s serious. So fix it. It’s a simple thing to fix.
It’s annoying to have to hear all these little pokes that make no sense and ruin the moods were in.
You just don’t understand womanese you have to learn to speak the language. You have to get better at it, I should say. So, A good question to memorize, maybe tattoo it on your forehead, is when she says something like that that wants to you want to like go into orbit and get really mad. We don’t get along.
Like, what do you mean we don’t get along? We don’t get along sometimes. We don’t get along all the time? Occasionally, we don’t get along. What do you mean by that? Why would you say that? That’s what you should be asking. The quality of your relationship is going to be in direct proportion to the quality of the questions that you consistently ask each other.
We get along until she says that stuff.
Ah, so that’s your hot button. Whenever she says things like that, you tend to get upset. And when you get upset and you get angry and you get frustrated, it frustrates her because what she feels and hears is nothing’s going to change, and nothing is wrong with what you’re doing.
All she’s trying to communicate in a simple way. This is why masculinity is calm. You don’t get upset, you don’t get butthurt. You just go, “What is she trying to say to me? What’s really going on? What is she really trying to communicate when she says we don’t get along?”
We don’t get along sometimes. In other words, it’d be nice to not have friction. But the good news is you make good food together. So in other words, it kind of makes it all better.
In this instance, she may be looking for comfort but she’s also annoying and inappropriate.
No, it’s just you don’t understand what she’s saying. Because quite frankly, you’re probably not asking good quality questions.
Am I being a little bitch or is she just causing unneeded drama?
Well, this is the way women are dude. They’re all like this. They’re all like, you just have to be able to read between the lines and understand, okay, what is she communicating to me about her needs and her wants and desires here. I don’t want to take it personally. I just want to know what does she need? What is she asking me? What is she trying to communicate?
This is one small example of many things that aren’t happy and easygoing feeling.
Well, part of the problem, dude, is you’re misinterpreting it and you’re getting butthurt over her emotions and her moods. Which is that’s not being masculine, that’s being feminine. You’re getting caught up in the chaos. You’re supposed to be calm. So you don’t get along sometimes.
Do a better job at understanding her and she won’t say that as much. And as you get better interpreting it, then those things that she says to you will be less triggering. You’re getting triggered because you have a wound with it, and on some level you’re thinking, I can’t handle it.
I’m not going to be able to keep this relationship together. It’s probably not going to work out. Oh my God. I don’t want the relationship to end. And that’s what goes through our heads, right? We start thinking, oh, it’s really not that big a deal. It’s just you’ve got to understand her where she’s coming from. So this is a really simple thing to do.
But on the surface, most men really super struggle with it. Good quality questions, dude. Don’t get butthurt, just take it as feedback. Try to understand where she’s coming from. Instead of getting mad. Ask a good quality question. What do you mean? What do you mean? Why would you say that? What? What have I done?
Or what have you experienced in the last week or two that would make you think or feel that? Just try to understand what she’s seeing when she looks through her eyes and what she hears through her ears, and what she’s thinking mentally. Because you have to empathize with her.
And part of empathizing with another human is you want to be able to try to walk in their shoes, look through their eyes, hear what they hear, experience what they experience in their body. And you can only do that if you ask good quality questions.
And so the good news is she’s communicating, but you’re not asking the right questions to get to the root cause of the issue. And plus you’re getting butthurt and you just shouldn’t. That’s all. Not a big deal.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.