Why She Loves You But Isn’t In Love With You & How To Change It

Coach Corey Wayne
15 min readMay 13, 2024
Photo by iStock/arvitalya

How to cause her to fall in love when she says she loves you but isn’t in love with you.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 60 year old viewer who has been dating a 55 year old woman for 3 years. She recently told him that she loved him, but wasn’t in love with him. He went no contact for about 12 days and then she reached out to say she missed him. They got together and hooked up again. She says what’s holding her back is financial security, but the reality is he’s too focused on locking her down to a commitment and constantly seeking her attention and validation. He’s over pursuing and his friends wonder why he cares so much about locking her down since he gets no strings attached sex and romance. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

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Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be, “Why She Loves You But Isn’t In Love With You & How To Change It.”

Well, this particular email is from a guy who he’s 60 and he’s dating a woman who is 55. And he says they’ve been dating for about three years. And after going through his email, it looks like he’s pretty new to my work. I do not believe he’s read 3% Man, just because of the way he’s talking and the way he’s acting. But what’s interesting about his situation is he’s kind of got like a friends with benefits thing going on. And he’s been hanging out, having fun, hooking up 2 to 3 times a week with this particular girl.

But he’s focused on a commitment and locking her down and getting her into a relationship. And so, whenever I hear a woman say she, “Loves you, but isn’t in love.” What that really means is he hasn’t sent her feelings and in the stratosphere. Or for those of you familiar with 3% Man, when you look at the attraction table that’s in the chapter, “It’s All In The Numbers.” She’s not hitting nine. Because when a woman hits 9, 10, then she starts to feel in love and then wants to bond, wants to connect, wants to lock you down, wants to spend all of her time with you, that kind of thing.

And so, he doesn’t realize it. But he’s still over pursuing, chasing her attention and her validation, and she’s kind of stoic and acting like the man and the relationship. And he’s kind of acting like the woman always concerned about where he stands with her and how to get her, how to lock her down. And so, he writes in, wondering, you know, his friends are like, “Dude, why do you even care? Why do you care about locking her down? It’s like, you got the best of both worlds.”

They’re like, “You’re getting Hummers every week. You’re getting laid 2 to 3 times a week. And you’re trying to lock her down? It’s like what? Why? You got no strings attached.” So let’s go through his email because this brings up a really good point. It’s like, when you pursue too much, women must have time and space away from you, to wonder about you, to think about you, to miss you, to become unsure of themselves.

Photo by iStock/Milena Magazin

Because after all, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. And a guy who calls too much, texts too much, is constantly needing reassurance that she still likes him is getting in the way of her missing him, being away from him. But also becoming unsure of herself, and his feelings and his interests.

Because when a woman starts to doubt, “I haven’t heard from him in a while. What’s he doing? Where is he at? I haven’t heard from him all day. What’s he got going on? Where? Who’s he with?” She starts to wonder, and then she reaches out to find out what’s going on; to seek reassurance from you. And so what’s happening is, he’s constantly seeking reassurance from her.

And so, she never really gets enough space from him in order to really have time for her feelings to develop, because he’s trying to force everything and move it along instead of just letting her come to him. I mean, this is a really super easy thing to fix, but the way he’s behaving, he’s keeping her or preventing her from falling in love. And so let’s go through the email.

Viewer’s Email:

Hi Coach,

I am 60 and have been dating a 55 year old for 3 years. She recently gave me the “I love you but am not in love with you.” I went No Contact, and 12 days later I got the “Miss you” text.

So what’s happening there is he’s pursuing and he’s pursuing and she’s like, “Yeah, I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” She’s telling him that her feelings aren’t there. And so, he does the correct thing which is, he backs off. Because the quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours. If she’s not reciprocating the same level of interest and effort, then you back off and you give them more space and time away from you to wonder about you, to think about you and to miss you. Because he hasn’t done that in the past.

And so, they don’t talk for 12 days. And what happens? She’s like, “I miss you.” What does that mean? Her feelings crept up on her because he gave her space and time for her feelings to develop. In My Book, 3% Man, one of the things I talked about was I had a girlfriend of mine, and her mother also told me the same exact thing; because I was doing what this guy was doing. I was calling too much, I was texting too much. I was trying to force things along to a relationship.

Photo by iStock/Eleganza

And I remember like, you know, it’s been over 20 years since this happened, but I remember sitting I could see it in my mind right now. I could see my girlfriend at the time, you know, she had her hand up and she was like, “Corey, you have to let me come to you. Stop trying to force things.” And it’s like, I heard that. And then a couple of days later, I heard the same message from her mother. And because I was pursuing too much, I was smothering her. I was getting in the way of her feelings developing. And so, when I started to back off more, her feelings increased.

So it’s as I talk about in The Book, it’s finding the balance between pursuing too much. Which this guy is definitely pursuing too much and not pursuing enough. And so, now that he’s backed off and not done anything, she’s reached out. Now she misses him. And that’s when you want to set a date. When you’re like, “I miss you, I want to see you.” That’s when our interest has gone up. You’re going to have a much better time with the girl, and she’s going to have a lot more enthusiasm for you when she’s saying things like that versus, “Oh, work’s crazy. My schedule is just so busy, it’s just hard to find time. It’s not a good time right now.” And getting that stuff.

If she’s got enthusiasm to see you, the dates are going to go way better. The seductions will be way smoother. And besides, when you start doing this, you start behaving in the ways that are taught in The Book, then women make it really easy for you. And as a man, this allows you to really focus on your mission, your purpose in life, and the things that are most important to you.

Because you’re not always being neurotic and wondering constantly where you stand with the girl, because that’s what women tend to do. Men should not be thinking like that. And men that are over pursuing and getting inconsistent effort from women, that’s what’s happening. They’re pursuing too much. They’re acting too girly. In other words, “They can’t.” They’re not okay if they don’t talk to the girl or see her for a few days. And it’s just not masculine.

And so, one thing you guys might not have noticed yet, but on YouTube, Spotify and my Website, we finally launched all of our Members Only Content. And so, we have the Full Podcast that I do with The Girls. Where we answer Viewer Questions they are all condensed into one individual film sessions. Plus I’ve got a 3% Man Study Group going with The Girls. Because The Girls have read The Book. And I think we’re still only on page like 35 at this point. Or I’m sorry, we’re up to page 40 now. And we’ve done four Episodes. So probably by the time we do our first Study Group run through, there’s going to probably be over 30 to 40 episodes.

Photo by iStock/skynesher

This where we really pick The Book apart. And so, that’s available exclusively in the Members Area. Plus there’s other Members Only Content. And I’m also doing Exclusive Video Coaching Newsletters like right now. As it stands, I’m doing five free ones per week, Monday through Friday. And then I’m doing six additional Video Coaching Newsletters for paying members. So if you look underneath the video description in this particular video, there will be links to. So you can subscribe on my website, or you can subscribe on YouTube or you can subscribe on Spotify. So back to our regularly scheduled email. So he gets this I “Miss you” text and he says.

She invited me to an overnight birthday. Needless to say, we hooked up.

Yeah, you see how easy that is? In other words, she’s like “Eh, when it comes to seeing him my feelings are, ‘Eh.’ And he’s like, ‘eh?’ He does nothing back.” And so what happens? 12 whole days go by. And he was probably on pins and needles the whole time, and biting his nails and freaking out about it. Because I remember when I did that. Because it’s like the days go by and it’s like, “Maybe I’ll never hear from her again. Oh, shit, I screwed up yet another one. Another one’s going to disappear from my life.”

And then all of a sudden it was at right about 12 days. It was like the max that she would go before she started reaching back out. And when the first time that happened, I was like, “Whew”, I felt a lot better. And then that completely started changing the power dynamic to where I felt more comfortable, more centered, more balanced. And she became way more attracted because I was acting masculine consistently at that point. What this guy is doing is vacillating back and forth between acting like a man and acting like a needy and secure little girl.

I have been exercising the hang out, have fun, hook that you preach.

Well, it’s a man’s job in the courtship to create an opportunity for sex to happen. Hang out, have fun while you’re hanging out, and when the signs are there that she’s ready to be touched, kissed, and seduced, then you seduce her. And it goes in that order. The seduction happens at the end of the process.

Unfortunately, from time to time I let her know that I want the whole thing.

It’s like, yeah, but that’s not your role. You’re acting like a girl. Feminine energy is bonding, connecting, opening up to receive love, relationships, dating labels, commitment, family, nesting, all those kinds of things. And when you’re constantly letting her know, how much you care about her, women don’t give a shit about how much you care about them. They only care about how they feel about you.

Photo by iStock/Eleganza

That’s why when you tell a girl how much you like her and how much you want the whole thing, it has zero effect on her interest, and oftentimes it has the opposite effect. She ends up backing away and liking you less because your feelings are up here, and hers are down here. In other words, you’re more interested in her, or at least you’re communicating that you’re way more interested in her, than she is in you. And women like you much more if it’s the other way around. Women like you more if they think they’re way more into you than you are into them.

Much easier to understand than execute in the heat of the moment.

Yeah, so he’s overwhelmed by his emotions and that’s understandable. But he’s got to recognize that the way he’s behaving is, in essence, he’s acting like a chick. And that’s why when he talks about commitments and locking her down, it turns her off. Because he’s acting like a girl. It ruins the sexual polarity. Again, this is the woman’s department. Your job is just to create the opportunity for sex to happen. Which he did, and things went great. And then he’s trying to lock her down. Because again, that’s not going to help.

She says the only thing holding her back is financial security, that I check all the other boxes in spades.

Uh, the reality is, that’s the excuse. But the reality is what’s really holding her back is low attraction, because you keep chasing and pursuing her too much, instead of just letting her come to you.

I understand her needs (caveman days) but am frustrated that she cannot be “all in” until I am able to provide that.

Says she is not a gold digger.

Well, as a man, you should; see this is your whole mindset is, “I’ve got to prove myself to this girl. I got to win her over.” This is what movies and TV shows teach. This is not how it works biologically. You’re supposed to be a man. And if she’s head over heels in love with you, she’s not going to give a shit if you’re broke as a joke. I’ve done countless emails over the years where dudes that don’t have a pot to piss in are getting laid. I remember one a couple of years ago, dudes, a musician, and he was a young guy. I think he was like 20, 21 years old and he wanted to be a musician. And he’s living out of his car.

Photo by iStock/Evrymmnt

So during the day and at night where there’s lots of people, he’s playing his guitar for tips and stuff like that. He meets in this particular guy was a virgin, but he went through My Book. I don’t know, it was like ten, 15 times or whatever it was. It was a really good email. He really took the time to prepare, get to know The Book backwards and forwards. And then when he felt he knew it backwards and forwards, when he’s out there playing, he just starts talking and flirting with girls. And he could tell and recognize which girls were actually interested in him. And he ended up taking one back to his car. They drove to a park and hooked up and had passionate sex for several hours.

And because he followed what I taught and how men could have multiple orgasms, he was able to last a long time. And so, he lost his virginity in the back of his car when he’s basically homeless. He lives out of his car. That’s his business. It’s his everything. That’s his office. And so, if a dude is broke as a joke, can get a hot girl off the street to go and have sex with him, then there as absolutely no reason, even though this guy is 60, that even though she’s saying, “Oh, it’s the financial thing.” It’s like, no, it’s her feelings are not high enough. Logically, it makes sense what she said, but if she’s head over heels in love you, she’s not going to give a shit and you’re over pursuing her is getting in the way of her falling for you.

I am paying the price for her ex-husband not working for 8 years.

ARGH.

Well, that could also be some ghosts of relationship past having an issue. But based on what you shared, and most importantly what she’s saying, and how she’s acting you’re over pursuing her. But when you look at it and go, “Oh, it’s her husband’s fault. Then, hey. It’s not my fault. It’s not me overpursuing that did this.”

I have a couple of projects in the works and am now working my ass off in Real Estate. I had coasted for a couple years after divorce. She has said that we have more fun than she has ever had, and that we need to prove we can handle a tough time. She said I know what is holding her back from being all in ($ecurity.)

I have told her that I want to build it together.

Photo by iStock/Herwin Bahar

Again, you’re focused on, you’re living in the future. You’re living in the little fantasy, with the white picket fence and all that nonsense. It’s, hang out, have fun, hook up. That’s it. You got to understand, a woman is there because of you, not because of your stuff. And if you’re with a girl that’s there because of your stuff, it’s because you were focused on selling your stuff and your resources, instead of you and your personality.

I told her that I sometimes worry that I may resent her if I hit it before she is all in. Totally pissed her off. In the meantime, my buddies remind me that I have the perfect world. Still getting hummers and action 2–3 times a week with no real commitment.

Yeah, your friends are right. They’re like, “Pfft. Who cares? She doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you, but yet, you’re? Why buy the cow when you’re getting the milk for free?” Your job to create the opportunity for sex to happen. That’s it. That’s it. It’s not to lock her down, or convince her to be your girlfriend, or to move in with you, or to support you in every way, shape or form, and become your biggest cheerleader and fan. Women will do that automatically when they really love you. And assuming they’re normal, healthy women.

Should I just keep on keeping on with the hangout and have fun and hook up?

Yeah. It’s a simple formula.

Yes, I already hear you saying, DUH! And let her be the one to ask for more?

Yep. Your job is just to arrange the next get together. And quite frankly, at this point, what I would do if I were you is I would let her do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing. And you just make dates. And if once she falls in love, it’s like, she’s not going to give a shit that you’re broke. She’ll come up with, “Oh, we’ll move in together. We’ll save rent or whatever.”

It’s like, when a woman falls in love with you she’s going to be stuck to you like a sucker fish. The point where a lot of times you’ll be like, “Man, I need some space. I need some time alone. I got to go visit my family. I got to go see my mom. I got to catch up with my friends. Got to go to the gym, got to clean out the garage.” It’s like, if you’re applying what’s in The Book, you’re going to be getting more sex then you want, or need.

I said, happy to keep it as is unless she starts dating other dudes. Yes, I know that probably sounded weak, but I really think I would be out at that point.

Very much appreciate your work.
Bob

Yeah, I don’t blame you. I mean, after three years, yeah. If she’s not fucking anybody else and you’re hanging out and having fun and hooking up, and she doesn’t care about the commitment, it’s like. Stop acting like a girl, and then she’s going to be jumping through her butt trying to lock you down to a commitment. I mean, this is such an easy thing to fix, but you’ve got to read The Book. And you’ve got to learn the information in here. Because you’re doing and saying things that are just totally sabotaging your success and getting what you really want, unnecessarily.

So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page on my website, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.

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Coach Corey Wayne

Life & Peak Performance Coach. I Teach Self-Reliance. Subscribe To My Newsletter To Read My eBooks “3% Man” & “Mastering Yourself” Free: http://bit.ly/CCWeBooks