Why a woman you just started dating suddenly goes cold and chooses another guy over you.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who had been out on three dates with a woman he really liked and felt things were going well with her. When he setup their fourth date, he noticed something was off and her level of enthusiasm was not the same.
Then he got a text the night before the date where she revealed that her “head’s been all over” the place thinking about this other guy who randomly showed back up in her life. She chose to pursue things with the other guy instead of him, and he wants to know what happened and why. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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Quite frankly, every guy that’s watching this has probably had something very similar happen to him. You start dating a girl, things are going really well, you may be hooking up and you’re thinking, “Wow, this is amazing. She’s all over me.” Then all of a sudden she goes totally cold. And I wrote about an example of this with a woman I knew in my first book, How To Be A 3% Man. And so, here’s another guy that’s encountering it.
Never, ever, ever agree to sit around and put your personal life on hold for some chick that’s confused or can’t make up her mind. It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. And so, in this kind of a situation where the woman says, “Well, there’s this other guy and I really kind of like him more, so I’m going to check things out with him, but I want to keep the lines of communication open between us,” or “I want us to just be friends for now,” never, ever, under any circumstances agree to that.
Obviously, if you watch too many movies from Hollywood, they say chase and pursue and profess your love, and tell her how much you really, really super duper like her, and she’ll love you back and you live happily ever after. In the real world, that’s not how things go down. And so, when you’ve seen that theme thousands of times and this kind of situation happens to you, that’s what you’re going to do. You want to prove yourself to her, “I’ve got to pursue. I’m going to catch her. I’ve got to make her mine.” And it’s the wrong thing.
If you’re a high value man, you’re like, “Hey, good luck with that. If it doesn’t work out, get in touch. But I don’t want to get involved with you in the future if you’re still bouncing back and forth between this guy or maybe some other dude, because I want you to be able to to give us 100% chance. And if you’re still hanging out with this other guy because you’re unsure, I just don’t want to get involved with somebody that’s doing that. I want you to be 100% sure that you’re over this guy, and then you can concentrate on seeing where things go with me.”
Men who have choices and options aren’t going to sit around and put up with that. Guys that are desperate, they’ve got no choices and options, will go, “Okay, I’ll be friends. Yeah, she’ll see what a great guy I am, and then eventually she’ll choose me over him.” And the next thing you know, she’s having a kid with the other dude.
Huge fan of your work. Purchased 3% Man, and am on my 3rd read. I had been dating a woman for a little over a month who fit nearly all the criteria that I am looking for, and things were going really well.
Well, obviously, with the exception of the fact that there’s some other dude in the background.
Although I’m sure I made a few mistakes, I used the phone strictly for setting dates, never professed my feelings or brought up relationships and she was doing the pursuing. When setting a date 4 nights from the day it was set, I could sense something was different during that interaction. Knowing better, I did nothing about it and went back to focusing on my mission in life and assumed it was no big deal.
There’s not a lot you can do. Your Spidey sense is just going, “Something’s off here.” There might be another dude in the background somewhere.
Then the night before the date, she sends me a text. Here’s the text exchange:
Her: Hey, I wanted to apologize for being so distant lately. If I’m honest it’s because someone I had feelings for randomly showed back up into my life and my head’s been all over.
Notice the important thing, “I had feelings for him.” Not somebody I like, but somebody I had feelings for. Women care about how they feel about you. They don’t give a damn about how you feel about them. The only thing that matters is their interest in you. They don’t care about your interest in them. It has no effect on how they feel for you.
So, at the end of the day, she’s got strong feelings and you’ve been out on three dates. Even if you might have hooked up with her, it doesn’t matter. You don’t have the same emotional bond and connection that she’s got with this other guy.
Because rejection breeds obsession, so more than likely, he disappeared for whatever reason, he probably ditched her or blew her off, and then he couldn’t find somebody better, and now he’s coming back to her. And so, since rejection breeds obsession, she was emotionally bonded him, and so she’s got strong feelings that she’s got to explore. And women care about how they feel, how you make them feel.
I’ve had so much fun with you and was looking forward to more, but I don’t think I’m ready to date yet. I really hope you understand. I just don’t want to be selfish.
And so, he kind of goes a little overboard, kind of drooling on her a little bit.
Me: I think you’re amazing and thought we could be great together and I really wanted to explore that with you. Although difficult to do, I respect your decision and appreciate your honesty. If you ever change your mind, let me know
Her: Wow, that message made this way harder.
You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free. You should have the attitude like the kitty cat stopped purring in your lap and left you and you’re like, “See you later kitty. You’ll be back.” That’s the attitude you want to have.
Thank you for understanding. Just want to be able to give you 100% of me. I really hope I get to see you around.
See you around? “Yeah, I hope to see you naked in my bed.” See you around my ass.
You know where I work, please come say hi!
That’s not going to happen. Don’t you fucking dare go to her work and say “hi.” That’s a beta male move. Because you want total radio silence. You gave her the greatest gift you can give anybody, which is the gift of your time. You gave her three great dates. And then, the fourth one she canceled on you because she wanted to go ride some other dude’s cock.
“And I’m going to come by and reward you and say “hi” like your gay male girlfriend or your emotional tampon? I don’t think so. Not going to happen. Not in this lifetime, sweetheart. I’m going to be getting my balls sucked dry by another cute girl and not you. You had your chance.” You’re not going to say this to her, of course, but this is your mindset. It’s like dumbass, whatever. She’s eating up leftovers with some guy that ditched her in the past, probably.
Me: I hope we cross paths again but only to give this a chance to have 100% of you. You’re way too hot and my feelings have progressed beyond the point of settling for a friendship.
Come on, man. I wouldn’t have even mentioned that.
Take care of yourself, it’s been great.
When you say “take care” to somebody, it’s like, “Hey, have a nice life. I don’t expect to hear from you again.” And women know that, when you say “take care,” it’s “Okay, have a nice life.” So, you’ve got to stick to that. You’ve got to be congruent with that. You basically told her, “have a nice life.”
Don’t call or contact her again for any reason. You should be following “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” Watch that video, read the article, get to know those bullet points and be ready to handle those objections, because she ain’t getting any more dates out of you. You’re not taking her out, you’re not meeting her out for coffee or any bullshit like that. She can come to your house to make dinner together, and if she doesn’t want to do that, “Call me in a couple of weeks, and maybe I’ll be up for meeting you out then.” Because guys in that situation, they start meeting the girl for coffee and lunch, and they just friendzone themselves.
She’s got to earn another chance with you, not the other way around. She ditched you for some other dude that it didn’t work out with in the past. There’s a pretty good chance it won’t work out this time around, and he’ll ditch her again. And then she’ll be calling you first thing, but she’s going to have to work for you. That’s why you’ve got to let her do all of the pursuing.
She’s got to come to your house three dates in a row, and as long as you hang out, have fun and hook up all three times, then you can meet her out and pick her up and go on dates. But she’s got to do all of the calling, texting and pursuing, because she fucked up. Because she fucked up, it’s her job to fix it, not yours. So, that’s what I would do if I were you.
Her: I respect that. Thanks Bob, play safe out there!
So, assume you’re never going to hear from her again. Start dating other women, move on with your life, but she’s got to earn another chance with you. Because then it’s her idea. And if a woman is chasing you, as long as there’s not another dude in the background that she’s more emotionally bonded to, you’re never going to have to worry about getting dumped.
I also highly encourage you to pick up “Quotes, Ruminations & Contemplations,” my new book of quotes, because it ties together everything, all of the concepts that I talk about, not only in “How To Be A 3% Man,” but my second book, “Mastering Yourself.” That’s the feedback I’m getting from everybody. They say it encapsulates everything that I teach. So it’s available now on Audible, iTunes, Kindle eBook, paperback, hardcover. And obviously, it’s free to read at UnderstandingRelationships.com, just subscribe to the email newsletter.
And if you’d like to talk to me, you’ve got a question or a challenge in your personal or professional life, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
“If you start dating a woman who has an ex or another guy she dated and felt something for in the background, even if things go really well between you both for a few weeks or more, they can go south very quickly, and she will choose the other guy over you. Why? She simply has had more time with the other guy to develop an emotional bond and connection with than she did for you. Her feelings are simply going to be more intense for the other guy. The best way to handle it is to tell her to get in touch if it doesn’t work out with the other dude, move on with your life and tell her that you will only get involved with her again if she is completely done with the other guy. This will cause her to test the other guy’s strength, and most likely, he will fail these tests and chase her right back into your arms. If you continue pursuing a woman who pushes you away, you will chase her into his. High value men will never stick around as a backup to anybody.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne