Why Over Pursuing Turns Her Off
Why over pursuing a woman you want to date turns her off and causes her to lose interest, so you can avoid these common mistakes.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss three different emails from three different viewers. The first email is from a guy who has been following me for two years and listened to my audio book fifteen times. He shares a very detailed email that reveals his mindset and the mistakes he made that led to him getting blown off. The second email is from a guy who met a girl on Tinder who had a guy in the background she really liked. He got pushed away.
The third email is from a guy who lost his wife of thirty years about five years ago. A woman who was a friend showed interest, but because he was in mourning, he pushed her away and said he wasn’t ready to date. Then, he finally developed feelings for her and told her how he felt on Valentine’s Day. Now she refuses to see him. He’s trying to figure out why. These are three great emails to learn from to learn the sweet spot between pursuing too much and not enough. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.
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First Viewer’s Email:
Hey Coach,
I’m a big fan, have been following you for 2 years and have listened to your audiobook well over 15 times. As you will see in this message however, I failed to stick to the principles out of fear of loss, and fear of not being good enough.
Remember, our two primary fears are fear that we’re not enough — in other words, fear that we don’t have what it takes — and fear that we won’t be loved and accepted by our friends, family and peer group. And obviously right here, he’s able to self diagnose and realize, I let these fears overwhelm me. So it’s good that he recognizes it, because that’s how you get better. You’ve got to be able to self diagnose and be honest with your self and your mistakes.
I started going out with a girl who works in my building a couple months back. I never really saw her, as I’m a carpenter working in the penthouse unit, whereas she works night shift at the front desk, but one day I walked in and invited her to a show I’m playing, (I have a band), and she said she might be able to. So, I got her number and told her I’d text her with the details closer to the date. Three days later, I texted her and we made a date.
On the date, I was infatuated with her beauty and I will admit, put her on a pedestal.
Not good. Come on man. Fifteen times, you should definitely know better. And if you want one of these “Come On Man!” mugs, you can get them at Teespring.
I will say this though, I have gone out with a lot of beautiful girls, but this one was a lot harder to read.
Well, probably because you put her on a pedestal, and she wasn’t acting like you wanted her to, and so you just said, “she’s hard to read.” Obviously, if you’ve read the book fifteen times, you know what to look for. But the reality is, this probably comes as a result of not practicing enough. And this is what happens.
You meet a girl who in your eyes is maybe a unicorn to you, and you lose your shit because when you’re with somebody like that, and I’ve talked about this many times in the past, you get about two or three unicorns a decade. And this is coming from a guy who’s in his fifth decade now. Well, I just finished my fifth decade. I’m going into the beginning of my sixth decade of living I guess.
When you screw up with somebody you really like, it’s going to be a long time before somebody else comes along that stirs your soul and makes you feel something, and who you can also tell feels a similar level of attraction, at least initially. When you see that dissipate, she no longer has any interest in you, that’s the worst fucking feeling, because you just know. You know that you’ve kind of lost the plot. It’s not fun, but this is why I share this, so we can all learn from these and hopefully not make the same mistakes.
Regardless, at the end of the date, I walked her to the front door and kissed her goodnight. After I got home, I got uncertain and texted her saying I just got home and that I had a great time. (I KNEW NOT TO, BUT DID ANYWAY.)
This is not necessarily the end of the world. If the girl has high interest, you can probably get away with things like this. But a woman whose interest is really low… remember, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. If you’re just barely hanging on by your fingernail and you start texting, “oh I had a really great time” and things like this, it’s a little too much pursuit, a little too much too soon, because you’re a little too eager and you’re starting to give off that vibe that you might be one of those needy, clingy guys that she eventually has to block.
Pretty much most women have probably had dozens of guys like that that they’ve interacted with, and as soon as you give off that vibe, the lower her attraction for you and the less you can make those mistakes and still have a shot with her.
She responded immediately saying she was just about to text me, but said she had a great time too.
That’s the kind of thing where you’re thinking, “God, I should have just waited just a few more minutes.”
The next night she reached out to me again, so I made another date a week in advance.
Obviously, this girl is really into him.
A couple days later, she reached out again. This is where I think I really fucked up. I figured “oh well, she’s pursuing me, so I can reach out to her more.”
Remember, as I talk about in “How To Be A 3% Man,” the goal is to kind of start the ball rolling with the courtship asking her out, going out on dates, starting out with one date a week, because as her attraction level grows, you’re going to see more of this behavior, more texting and more calling. And the way you’re supposed to respond, especially if she’s texting you every couple of days, you know that’s typically something that happens two, three weeks into the courtship.
Now, if this is happening after the first week or so, your pursuit for the most part is going to be over. And it actually becomes counter productive if she’s reaching out to you every two or three days, and you start reaching out more. What happens is, the more you start reaching out when a woman’s pursuing you this heavily in the beginning, you’ll notice that over time, she’ll actually start reaching out less. And that’s an indication that her attraction is going down instead of up.
But again, it’s obvious this woman has pretty high interest in him to start with, so he can get away with these mistakes. At least right now he can.
As the days got closer to our next date, her texts got shorter, and sometimes she would drop off mid-conversation. Then the day of the date came, all went well and a couple hours into making out and feeling up on each other, I invited her to my place. She came over, and we had sex.
Despite the fact he was doing things that were causing a noticeable loss of attraction, meaning she wasn’t enthusiastic to text him and reach out as she had been, it still wasn’t too much to ruin it. So she came over, they hooked up, things are progressing.
Before I drove her home, she asked what I was doing tomorrow. I said “I don’t have plans, what about you?” She said she had dinner plans with her cousin, so I said “No worries, go do that and if you’re free after, come on over.” She said she’d let me know.
I wouldn’t suggest something like that. Remember, it’d be much better if she reached out and said, “Hey, I got done with my cousin early. What are you up to?” “Oh, I just got done hanging out with friends. Why don’t you come on over?”
The next morning, she texted me thanks for all the surprises and to have a great day with a bunch of kissy emojis, so I responded “You’re welcome. Let me know if you’re free later.” She never did. I know I fucked up by not making definite plans, and the next day I became uncertain again and invited her over to help me make dinner. No response from her.
Remember, he said, “Hey reach out if you want to get together” and she didn’t. So what does he do? He reaches out the next day. So, he’s starting to over-pursue now instead of just saying, well she didn’t text me, so if I don’t hear from her by next week, I’ll reach out to her again. Remember, women are like cats. They kind of come and go, they’re unpredictable and they don’t act exactly the same every week. That’s why it’s more of an art to implement the things I talk about in “How To Be A 3% Man.”
The next night she told me that while she loves spending time with me, she’s not ready for a relationship, but still wants to keep seeing me and take me out on a date next time. I knew what this meant, that I was rushing shit, so I responded “It’s all good. Let’s not rush or complicate things with labels, and just have a good time. When are you free?”
I probably wouldn’t have asked her out right after that. You notice he’s being a little robotic and coming back with things that he’s learned from the book, almost verbatim. Like he’s throwing lines at her, and he’s trying to game things by using things he learned in the book, instead of feeling himself along. This is the kind of thing that happens when you really haven’t practiced this stuff a lot with women that you really like.
She responded the next morning and said she would be free next Sunday, so I said I’d take her out, and she could take me out the next time.
Notice that she’s waiting to get back to him, which is further indication that her interest is dropping.
A couple days later, I became uncertain AGAIN and texted her, telling her how good I’d look with my head between her thighs and told her to come over. She said she was on her period, Lol.
This whole time, I knew I needed to back the fuck off, because I saw how my over pursuit was pushing her away. So I did, she reached out to me a couple nights later, and texted me good luck on the night of my band’s show, (she had to work and couldn’t go she said).
The day before our date, I got the dreaded “I cant hang out tomorrow. I’m so sorry!” To which I responded, “All good. When are you free again?”
The right response, because now she’s breaking a date with you, I would say, “No problem. maybe next time,” and I would have just left it at that. Then I would have waited at least a week to reach out again if you hadn’t heard from her.
No response. I had a feeling that my over pursuing had turned this girl off to the point of no return. I texted her the next day saying, “I took time to think about it and make sure I’m making the right decision, and that I’m going to go back to seeing other girls. If you want to get together sometime, I’d love to hang out, but at this point I’m not gonna chase if my time isn’t being valued.”
Again, he’s losing it, totally losing control. Come on man. That’s just a bad, bad way to go. I mean, you basically told her that you’re all butt-hurt, and you’re telling her about other women, because you’re thinking that’s going to cause her to chase you and want you more. And it just looks bad. It makes you look manipulative, butt-hurt, and it’s kind of like you’re in a flat spin and you keep pulling back too hard, and eventually you stall and you crash into the abyss. No return.
I know I shouldn’t fucking have chased at all, though I didn’t say that. “If you wanna get together, you have my number. Hope you have a great week.” She didn’t respond, and it’s been almost 3 weeks.
I am taking time to work on myself through meditation and self love/self acceptance things, because I know I have a problem with being alone, which is why I rely on external things like women, drugs, alcohol to make me feel validated.
You definitely need to work on that dude, because if you act this way you’re going to blow it with every woman. And you had a really opportunity. She was really into you. The good news is you could tell where you were going wrong, yet you still failed to exercise emotional self control.
I swear to God, I’m so torn over this girl, and didn’t know if I should fully let her go that I went to a fucking fortune teller in my town to see what she said. She said this girl will reach out to me, and my heart wants to believe it, because I know that I am the one who blew this and was totally aware of it, yet I let my fears drive me to make mistakes.
I have since hooked up with an ex, and am talking to girls on Bumble to try to move on, but the thought of her haunts me, and knowing that I fucked things and did shit I knew better than to do.
Did I fuck up by walking away? Should I have just waited for her response?
Thanks Corey, and god bless,
Bob
I pointed out where you’ve been pretty impatient, but at this point what’s done is done, what was said was said, and I would just let it be. You pursued too much. Whether you hear from her again, you could flip a coin, and I would say it’s probably doubtful, because you can only make so many mistakes before a woman rolls her eyes and goes, this guy doesn’t get it.
Second Viewer’s Email:
Hi Coach,
I met a girl on Tinder and created a spark followed by sexual tension before even meeting. I had a date involving a quick meal and a kiss. Agreed on the phone that the spark was real. We then spent the next ten days on the phone and texting, which created even more sexual tension and attraction. A date was agreed for the Friday.
That’s way too much talking and texting on the phone. The phone is for setting dates dude. When you talk and text too much, you typically talk women out of going out with you and liking you. You don’t raise her interest over text. You raise it in person. Just like if you’re in sales, you have to be face to face to sell your prospect.
On Friday morning, she called it off saying that a bombshell had been dropped on her. A guy she had major feelings for last year who didn’t feel the same declared his feelings by calling her the previous night.
That’s why you don’t talk and text too much.
I called her, and she said she didn’t feel anything for him and didn’t want to meet him. I told her that I wasn’t prepared to be put on hold while she tested the water with him. She told me she was interested in me. We agreed to me going to stay at her place that night.
He was able to turn it around. He stood up to her and said, I’m not going to just sit around and wait, like be put on hold, while you go explore your feelings with this guy. I wouldn’t have necessarily said that. I would have said, “Well, I think that’s nice and everything, but if it was going to work out, it would have worked out a year ago. But you and I have got plans, so let’s keep the date and we’ll see what happens.”
But at the end of the day, whatever he said, it worked because he got together. And obviously, the fact that she was all over him, that means he said enough things and demonstrated his masculinity, his decisiveness and his certainty about himself and what he had to offer, and she responded and found that very attractive. So despite that he was still able to hook up with her.
She was all over me before we could even get in the house. The sex was much more passionate and intimate than the hot sex we already expected.
She cooled off during the week. I then called her and asked her to come for a ride on my motorbike to the following weekend. She agreed.
When I texted her to tell her I’d arranged leathers for her and a helmet, I received this… “Morning! I’m fine. How are you? I need to be honest. I had a great time with you, but I don’t want see you again. I am not ready for a relationship. I’ve realized that although I speak quite openly, I don’t want to be intimate with anyone yet. I am completely cut off when it comes to sex, and that’s not normal at least not for me. I need to do more to help myself get over what I’ve been through, and to do that I need to be alone. I’m sorry.”
I didn’t reply and don’t intend to. Wtf? So confused. I want to see her again.
Best Regards,
Bob
Well, too much talking and texting on the phone and not enough getting together and hooking up in person. I would have just said, “Hey no problem. Get in touch when you figure it out,” and just wait to hear from her. Then a few weeks later, or a month later… more than likely it ain’t gonna work out with the other dude, because it hasn’t worked out before.
As she said, she didn’t really feel anything, but the reality is if she disappears that quick, it’s a combination of the overpursuing and the fact that there’s another guy that she used to have strong feelings for.
Third Viewer’s Email:
Dear Coach Corey Wayne:
I am a widower, who has mourned his wife of 30+ years for the past five years. I have recently begun to have strong feelings for a female friend that I have known since around the time of my wife’s death.
A wonderful friendship has grown during that time. And even though she has shown countless signs of attraction and interest towards me over the past few years, I have compassionately pushed her away, being still in my mourning period and not ready to move on to a new relationship.
This last February, I decided to act on my recently realized feelings for her on Valentine’s Day.
Like I talk about in the book, there is a process to this courtship. What worked in this guy’s favor is obviously this woman was interested in him for a period of time, and he always pushed her away. And now that he’s ready, you can almost kinda see the [vomit]. He’s going to vomit all his feelings and emotions on her, and if you’ve read the book, you know that typically doesn’t work out too well.
But, the week before doing this, I dropped by her work, unexpectedly, in response to a challenge she made for me to find where she works. I did this to test if she was still attracted to me or not, since, as of late, she has grown colder towards me.
He probably became more interested in her as after five years, maybe she met somebody else or had kind of lost interest. Then all of a sudden he’s like, “Oh this is my soulmate! I’ve got to do something here. I’ve got to tell her how I feel.” Then showing up is kinda creepy and weird. You don’t really do those kinds of things with people.
She was impressed that I found her so fast, and her response on that day showed obvious signs of attraction: she was blushing, gave me a lover’s hug, she said she was hot (temperature-wise), and then during the conversation outside her office she touched my inner thigh three times, (actions well out of her character). This encouraged me to make my Valentine’s Day reveal, including, with the bouquet of multicolored roses, a short but sweet note revealing my feelings towards her, (a quote of Song of Solomon 2:2).
On Valentine’s Day, after receiving the flowers, she texted a passive-aggressive thank you, and now refuses to see or talk to me. I am very confused by this behavior.
Well, obviously she wasn’t as into you as you thought she was.
I know that she is attracted to me, so it must be something I’m doing, or not doing that has caused this estrangement.
I sense that this may be a test, due to my rebuffing her for the last few years. But, I’m not sure, since there is a 19-year age difference between us as well. So, she could just be put-off by my advances at my age.
Sincerely,
Bob
No, it’s just the way you went about it. The simple way would have just been to reach out to her and say, “Hey, why don’t we get together and have drinks sometime. It’s been awhile. We should catch up.” Something simple like that. But he noticed she had been kind of distant and kind of cold at that point.
So she’s refusing to talk to you or text you. Obviously she knows you’re romantically interested in her, and if she’s pushing you away she’s either a) not interested, b) got totally turned off by your behavior, or c) she’s totally involved with somebody else and just didn’t want to tell you because she didn’t want to hurt your feelings. And on some level she might be thinking, where was this for the last five years?
I wouldn’t do anything. I would just wait to hear from her, and if she ever reaches out in the future, assume she wants to see you, invite her over the make dinner at your place, and hang out, have fun and hook up. And in the meantime, I would assume that she’s unavailable or uninterested, and just move on with your life. Because if she’s refusing to see or talk to you, that should pretty much tell you everything you need to know.
Just move on. Don’t take it personally. Immerse yourself in “How To Be A 3% Man” so you can learn the basics and the fundamentals, because vomiting your feelings all over somebody out of the blue like that after five years is just not the way to do it. You’ve got to follow the progression that’s in the book.
“When we love and value ourselves, we tend to demonstrate confidence, certainty and decisiveness. When we don’t think very highly of ourselves, we tend to try too hard to make friends and date those we have interest in. Men who feel this way tend to call, text and force too much interaction too soon due to their feelings of potential loss and scarcity. This causes them to fail tests of their strength and self-respect by the women they have interest in. When a man won’t stand up for himself, women are repulsed by this unattractive, beta male behavior. Set and enforce healthy boundaries with all people in your life. Respect must be earned before it is given. Women will never love men they don’t respect.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
