Why Men Trying To Force A Relationship Doesn’t Work
Why men trying to force women to have a relationship with them doesn’t work and they bounce.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discus an email from a 33-year old viewer who says he’s read 3% Man 7 times so far. He just started dating a woman who was married for 15 years and who had a rebound relationship shortly after leaving her husband with a personal trainer she knew before starting to date him. Three months later, and he’s frustrated that she won’t commit to be exclusive and doesn’t seem to realize that he’s doing the opposite of what my book teaches.
He’s getting the predicted undesirable results. Her interest is dropping, she wants to date other people, and he asks what he should do. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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He says he’s read 3% Man seven times. And like all good students know, the simple formula is hang out, have fun and hook up. It’s nothing about a relationship, nothing about locking a girl down to a commitment. And on top of that, there’s a section in the book about women on the rebound, or women that just ended a long-term relationship, or that are in the middle of a divorce, and why when dating them, they’re hot and cold because their emotions are all over the place. I mean, this woman spent 15 years with the same guy, had a quick rebound relationship, and now she’s monkey branched to this dude who wrote the email. And he’s upset that he can’t lock her down to a commitment.
Keep in mind, he said he’s read 3% Man seven times, even though it says you hang out, have fun and hook up. You don’t lock a woman down to a commitment, you let women come to you at their own pace. It just goes to show, when a guy is emotionally wrapped up and invested in a woman, he’s just completely blinded. It’s what we call a scotoma, where it’s obvious to all of us. We can read the email, and we can listen to his story, and the rest of us good students can go, “Yeah, dude, why are you trying to lock this girl down?”
But since he’s in it and he’s emotionally wrapped up, rejection breeds obsession. He’s attached to her, he can’t see that he’s trying to lock her down to a commitment, and he’s doing the opposite of what the book teaches. That’s why this stuff is so hard, when you start seeing somebody you really like, if you haven’t overcome those insecurities, those fears, those doubts. Repetition is the mother skill, and the idea is to get better in your dating, because you never know when the next great love of your life is going to walk in. And if you’re unprepared, she’ll quickly exit your life, just as fast as she came into it.
My name is Bob (33), and I’m a bit confused about how best to approach dating an indecisive female.
So, he’s labeled her an “indecisive woman.” Well, that’s feminine energy. It vacillates. Men are supposed to be the decisive ones and know what they want, and they shouldn’t be getting wrapped up in “indecisive females” and their emotions, because they should be focused on their mission and purpose in life. And when she’s available and misses him, he’s happy to see her and romance her.
I’ve read your book 7 times and have been listening to your YouTube videos.
I said 10 to 15 times, constantly.
I met a woman who is stunning, incredibly gorgeous, has a great job, and we connected very well, both mentally and emotionally. She’s been a bit timid physically, though. I’ll explain.
So, he’s rationalizing away her behavior.
She just got out of a 15-year marriage/relationship and had ended a rebound relationship as well before starting to date me.
So, she took no time to heal. That’s 15 years. That’s 1.5 decades with the same person. She took no time to get over it, no time to be alone by herself, no time to reconnect with her girlfriends, her family, get her life back to normal. She did none of that. She spent no time healing. She just went from one intimacy to another, and now the third one.
As I talk about in the book, women are going to be up and down. So, when you come across somebody like this, you’ve got to go, “Hey, she’s a drifter. She’s going to come and go. If it works out, great. If it doesn’t, that’s okay too.” But he doesn’t see it that way, because he’s focused on what he wants, and he’s ignoring how she’s showing up.
She told me originally that she was just looking to date people…
Women help you when they like you, so she’s telling him.
…as she hadn’t been with anyone other than her ex-husband or her rebound, (a personal trainer she knew for years). Both her ex and her rebound sounded very critical of her, hence why I think she was very timid physically.
Again, look at all of the rationalizations he’s going through to explain her behavior. Dude, she just got out of a 15-year relationship. I talk about this in the book. This is what happens when you date somebody in the middle of a divorce, right out of a marriage, with no time to heal. This is what you get. This is why you shouldn’t be putting all your eggs in this one basket. It may be a few years before she’s ready. It’s not your job to fix her, or to save her, or to come in and be Mr. Knight in shining armor and show her what a great guy you are and how you’re different than all the rest.
It has been the only rough spot of our relationship.
Notice how he refers to it as “a relationship.” She just wants to casually date, and he says, “our relationship.” So, it’s obvious from that little comment he’s not paying attention to what the book said. Instead of hanging out, having fun and hooking up, he’s focusing on hanging out, having fun and locking her down, and that’s not the formula. And if you don’t use the correct formula, you get undesirable results.
Anyway, we dated for about 3 months, and you could tell her attraction level for me was an 8–9 at the time. She agreed to go on a 3-day trip to the mountains and a 6-day trip to Florida at the end of our 3 months together.
He thinks that he’s her boyfriend and she’s his girlfriend.
She’s not only hinted that maybe I’m “the one,” but that she’s never met a guy like me, (thanks Corey).
See, you get too carried away in these little things, and you think it applies consistently. Women are like the weather. They change every day. So, when she told you that you might be “the one,” that’s what she’s thinking and feeling in the moment. It doesn’t mean it’s a permanent, perpetual state of her being.
What’s odd, though, was that she never asked me to be in a relationship, instead saying that she feels she needs to “try out dating” and “see what is out there,” as she’s only been with 2 guys since high school.
So, she’s telling you what she wants. She’s like, “I just got out of a 15-year marriage, bro,” and he’s upset that she’s not wanting to commit to him, when the formula is hang out, have fun, hook up. Why? Because relationships, bonding, connecting, opening up to receive love, commitments, dating and relationship labels, that’s feminine energy.
That’s the woman’s department. And you’re shopping for what you’re looking for, as a man, in the woman’s department of the department store. You’re not going to find what you’re looking for there, bro. It just doesn’t happen. If you’re looking for bras and panties, you don’t go to the auto parts store. And vice versa, you don’t go to the auto parts store looking for bras and panties.
I made it clear to her I wouldn’t “just be friends” with her, so she was very conflicted about just ending things, didn’t want to lose me, and I wouldn’t accept being friends. I’ve been torn between your instructions.
And you wonder why you struggle. You can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality. I say 10 to 15 times, dude. You read it 7 times, and you’re going, “Oh, I’m going to do the opposite, because I think this is the way to go.” Okay.
One between saying to her, “Hey go and date. Get in touch with me if you change your mind.”
Dude, there’s no reason to be giving an ultimatum. You’re just casually dating her. She told you this repeatedly, and yet you’re not listening. This is one of those guys, that women go, “You never listened to me. You never listen.”
And the other, the “cat” theory you have.
It’s not a theory. It’s a fact of life, bro.
Letting her come and go and dating her when she reaches out.
That is the formula, hang out, have fun, hook up. You’re trying to violate it, and you’re wondering why you’re sitting here writing me an email, instead of a great success story. Because with the great success stories, guys always read it 10, 15, 20 times or more, and they actually apply it. You’re trying to bend the rules and basically act the same way you did before you came across my work, and you’re surprised that you’re in blue ball zone.
You’re trying to lock down a woman who needs her space and her freedom. Remember, the Thich Nhat Hanh quote says, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” Trying to lock down a woman who just got out of a 15-year marriage to a commitment is not helping her feel free. It’s making her feel caged, like she needs space and she needs to escape from you, to escape from your clutches.
Over the last month, she’s kept in touch with me, but her attraction level seems more like a 5–7, hearing from her every other day or so.
The interest is going in the wrong way. Why? Because you’re doing the opposite of what the book teaches. It warns you, it says, don’t do this with women that are right out of a relationship. I mean, you claim you read it 7 times, and you’re doing the opposite. You know you’re doing the opposite of it, and you’re like, “Oh, I think I’m a special case, Coach. That doesn’t apply to me.” Whatever. It’s your life. How’s it working out for you?
She’s been trying to date other people, going so far as to tell me she’s so torn with me, because there’s just something different about me and she’s frustrated with the dating scene.
James Bond would be amused. He would find this humorous. You dare her to find somebody better. Not that you say this to her, but you’re chuckling inside. “There’s not going to be anybody better than me out there, babe. Come on. I wish you the best of luck.”
In the meantime, he should be dating and meeting other women as well, because maybe somebody comes along who’s not just out of a 15-year relationship and they’re ready, willing, able and open to dating. He’s completely taken himself off the market. In his mind, he’s convinced himself he’s in a relationship with her, and she’s just casually dating. And he keeps trying to smother her, lock her down and get her to commit.
Whether it’s in the tone of his voice, his demeanor, or the things he says, she doesn’t feel free and he’s not getting the message. And he’s basically writing in going, “Hey, what do you think, Coach? I’m going to keep making the same failed attempts and doing the opposite of your book.”
She’s well aware that I’m dating other people as well…
Yeah, you really sound like you’re dating other people, dude.
…expressing her concern of “losing me.”
Yeah, she sounds really worried about losing you.
And it genuinely leaves me confused about what best to do.
I should have brought the other mug. Come on, man! Seriously? Come on, man.
Would it be better to tell her to focus on dating other people and get back in touch if she changes her mind?
Again, you can tell he’s all in the ultimatum mode, “You’re either with me, or you’re outta here! You’re either my girlfriend, or you’re nothing to me. Take it or leave it. Commitment or else!”
Or leave myself available for her to date me like the other guys, as our 3 months together never went past just dating, (despite how relationship-y it got)?
Thanks for your help, Coach.
It didn’t get “relationshipy,” dude, you got “relationshipy.” You got attached to the fantasy of what you wanted, and you keep ignoring reality. The reality is she keeps saying, “I just want to casually date.” She knows you want to lock her down. She knows you want to be boyfriend and girlfriend. And that’s why you’re getting nowhere, because you’re acting like a chick. You’re doing the opposite. It’s a total turnoff to her.
And just reading your words here, you’re like, “Oh, I want to keep doing the opposite of what you teach, but maybe it’ll work this time.” Keep beating your head against the wall, it’s your life, but I wouldn’t call or text her for any reason. If you hear from her, assume she wants to see you, hang out, have fun, hook up. You’ve got to think of yourself as the prize and the catch, the guy who’s entertaining any and all options, just like she is. And you should have the attitude of “may the best girl win.”
Instead, you’re already trying to give her the trophy for having won the race, and she’s not there. She’s just not interested in that, and you’re not paying attention to reality. Women should be trying to lock you down to a commitment. And you’re trying to get somebody into a relationship who just needs to kind of be a drifter for a while. You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.
So, all this bullshit about locking her down, and giving her ultimatums, and threatening her, it’s stupid. It’s not going to work. That’s just not doing anything remotely close to what the book teaches. And so, your results are so predictable and so obvious. I mean, it’s just as obvious and predictable as the sun coming up in the East and setting in the West. It’s just the way it is. You can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.
Again, this is such a simple thing to solve. Just wait to hear from her, assume she wants to see you, make a date, hang out, have fun and hook up. That’s it. It’s not trying to lock her down. Stop trying to be all serious. You can’t force a woman to want to be in love with you. She’s got to come to you at her pace. Instead, you keep trying to smother her, and that’s keeping her out in the dating market longer and longer. Let her come to you at her pace, really simple. Or if you like the results you’re getting, then by all means, keep beating your head against the wall.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.