Why Do Men Get Turned Off Hearing About Women’s Previous Intimate Partners?
Why men tend to get turned off when hearing about women’s previous intimate partners.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who is dating a woman who really wants to be exclusive with him, but he is putting her off because of her intimate history with other men. He says she comes from a great family and probably would be a great woman to have a relationship and family with, but he just can’t get over the fact she has been with other men before him. He has an irrational fantasy that the right person for him will be inexperienced and only be with him. I discuss why some men really get bothered over this issue with the focus on body count and previous partners constantly being discussed in the culture. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be, Why Do Men Get Turned Off Hearing About Women’s Previous Intimate Partners?
So, we’re going to talk a little bit about body count today. And I got an email here from a guy. He’s been dating a girl for a bit, and he really likes her, and she’s been trying to become exclusive. But he says that they’ve talked about other guys that she slept with, and he’s kind of got this idea in his head that the perfect girl for him, that he should settle down with, is a virgin, hasn’t been with any other guys, is totally inexperienced.
And so, it brings up an issue that’s really discussed a lot in the culture, these days, which is body count. And so, when you understand what it is that causes men to like, “Ugh!” You know, if you think if you got two girls, you got one girl who’s beautiful, you know, seems to come from a good family and she’s 25, or I mean, she’s slept with 5 or 6 dudes, always had a boyfriend in high school, had a college boyfriend, maybe had 1 or 2 one-night stands in college or whatever. And that didn’t work out too well. The guys were jerks, whatever. They got a little too drunk. I mean, that’s just common.
I mean, even back when I was in high school, most of the girls, the ones that got married, had slept with at least 10 to 20 dudes. And these are girls that came from good families, and they’re happily married, and they’ve been married. And it really, you’re trying to determine what’s the value system, and the character like, of the girl. And the reality is, the number one most important thing to us guys is loyalty.
And so, anything that brings a woman’s loyalty into question, in other words, can she keep her pants on when she’s not around you. If she’s getting hit on in approach by other men that want to sleep with her, how is she responding to them? Is she going to be inclined to say, “Oh, I have a boyfriend, or I’m married, and I’m flattered, Thanks. I can’t.” Or is she going to be like, “Oh, I’ll give out my number? It’s just a friendly thing.” And then the texting starts, and then they’re hanging out for lunch, and then, oops, somehow his penis ended up inside me.
So, as a guy we’re all trying to determine, because the other thing is, if especially if you live in a blue state and you’re one of those guys who wants to involve the government in your relationship; and you married a girl that is low in character, doesn’t really value loyalty, monogamy, exclusivity. You could be in the situation. I got friends that got kids that aren’t theirs because the wife cheated multiple times, many times.
And as a man, do you really want to find out when your kids are teenagers, or in their 20’s? Or maybe you have a serious health challenge later in life, and you need somebody that can help you with a blood transfusion, or maybe an organ donation, or something like that. And then you find out your kid’s not even your kid, because your wife couldn’t keep her pants on, or your girlfriend couldn’t keep her pants on when you weren’t around. It’s like, that’s not fun to find out. And especially when you’re on the hook for it.
And there’s been plenty of cases where guys are with the girl. She got pregnant, they signed the birth certificate. Dude thought he was the father, and it turns out it was somebody else’s, it was Chad Thunder Cock’s kid. But the judge is like, “Hey, you’re on the birth certificate.” “Ayy, too bad.” Or even in cases where they’re not together anymore, and come to find out the kid is not theirs. Judge is like, “You still got to pay. Sorry. That’s the law. Too bad.” And it’s incredibly unfair.
And so, the number one most important thing to us guys, is loyalty. And so, we’re trying to ascertain the character of the woman we’re getting involved with, especially if we’re thinking about having children. And can this woman keep her pants on when she’s not around? That’s what you’re trying to evaluate.
Will she be loyal to you and only you, if you have children with her? Can you be 99%, 99.99% that the kids are actually yours? And like I said, I think most guys know situations where they’ve got dudes or friends, or friends of friends, or co-workers or whatever, that are in a situation where some of the dudes kids are not theirs. I’ve had clients over the years that same thing. They have 5 or 6 kids, and half the kids aren’t even theirs.
Like I said, I’ve got friends who are in that situation, and it fucking sucks. You feel bad for them. I mean, they still love the kids because they raised them, but they find out later in life, that kids aren’t even theirs. It’s heartbreaking. It sucks. You don’t wish that on anybody. The woman was disloyal, couldn’t keep her pants on. And not only that, couldn’t keep her pants on; he didn’t know about it until many years down the road.
And so, it’s understandable that us guys are gun shy about that. And we’re concerned. And it’s like if you got one girl, she’s so with five dudes, like I was saying earlier, then you got another girl that’s slept with over 100 different guys. A woman who’s sleeping with hundreds of dudes is not somebody that’s selective. It’s not somebody that loves and values themselves. They’re giving themselves away and sharing themselves physically with guys that they don’t really care about.
And if you want to settle down with somebody, and you’re talking to a girl that’s been with hundreds of dudes. Does that sound like somebody that just, just the thought of that. You’re like, that’s a lot. Doesn’t sound like, and same thing for a guy. Guys that have been with hundreds of girls. It’s like, what is the likelihood that they’re going to be loyal with one person forever? It’s like the likelihood that’s, you know, the higher the body count, the odds tend to go down; men and women.
But so that’s kind of what’s going on here. This guy’s dating this girl and he doesn’t really elaborate, but he’s not happy about her sexual past. Maybe it’s just a few guys. But the fact that I mean, the reality is, especially if you’re in your 20’s, it’s like the idea that you’re going to meet a virgin, and just because she’s a virgin, hasn’t been with any other guy that she’s going to be loyal and faithful to you?
There’s lots of passport bros that go and get a foreign bride and bring her back to the States. And then once she gets her visa, they find out that she’s been hooking up with Chad Thunder Cock when they’re away. And character is destiny. And so, this is an essential thing for all of us guys. We’ve got to evaluate the character of the women that we’re getting involved with.
And in reality, it’s like you still can get lied to. You can still have a woman that’s going to deceive you, and all you can really do is based on the information and based on your interactions with her. It’s like, does she keep her word? Does she do what she says she’s going to do? Is she the kind of girl that values loyalty and monogamy and exclusivity, or is she the kind of girl that likes men sliding into her DM’s, and has no problem giving out her phone number?
Doesn’t matter whether she’s married or living with a boyfriend or has a boyfriend. If she’s constantly seeking inviting attention from other men. When you’re supposedly in a relationship together that tells you everything you need to know. She’s not loyal. She can’t probably keep her pants on. And if she can’t keep her pants on, you shouldn’t be wanting to have a family or settle down with her or put a ring on her finger.
That’s just it’s common sense. But we all know guys that don’t follow common sense. I got friends that literally, the ink wasn’t even dry on their divorce papers, but a matter of weeks. And they’re already getting engaged and married to somebody else, like really quickly. And you’re like, Come on, dude! There’s like no evaluation at all. He’s like, “I’m in love. It’s Disney. It’s all great. We’re going to live happily ever after.”
And then later on you find out that they didn’t do a good job of vetting the girl, and now she’s cheating on him, or the kids aren’t even his. But since they’re married, guess what? He’s on the hook for kids not even his, it sucks.
Thank you so much for your work. I’ve been a student since 2014, and at this point, I don’t even know how many times I’ve read The Book. It has been sitting by my toilet for a few years now, and I spend a handful of minutes every day going through it.
Well, all the turds that you have dropped that, you’re welcome for the fact that I was able to help you relax. Congratulations. There’s no extra charge for that. It’s just value added because I provide a great service.
I am 30 years old, living and working in London, earning 70,000. per annum gross, and am fairly successful at attracting women. For the past four years, I have been mostly single because no one has really matched the qualities I’ve written down on my list of things I want my ideal woman to have. However, I am content with life as it is, dating beautiful girls and enjoying my singlehood.
If you’re content with that, then keep doing that. You can’t get serious. You can’t commit to exclusivity when you’re not feeling it. It’s the worst thing you can do. You’re lying to yourself, and you’d be lying to the girl. So good on you for understanding that and not wanting to commit, unless it feels right.
The reality is, the only reason to commit, or to get married or to move in together, is that you’re potentially thinking you want to co-parent with this person, you want to raise and hopefully make great humans together. When you look at prison, the prison population, 80% of the dudes that are in prison all come from single mom households.
They come from a broken family. And dad was not around. There was no grandfather, there was no uncle, there was no brother. There was no strong masculine presence in the home, to teach that child how to chill, and how to be a man, with honor and integrity.
And so, they grow up and they’re raised by the streets, and they basically become criminals. And then they get on the radar of the man, and then they end up in prison. And it’s the result of shitty parenting. That’s the bottom line. Most of the people are in prison, are in there because of shitty parenting. That’s a fact. And so, if you’re considering being exclusive or being in a relationship or getting married or living together, the goal is to make great humans together.
And if you can’t see the woman that you’re dating or with, being the mother of your children or having a family together, or maybe you’re older and then you’re getting together, and you’re past the child, you know, you’ve had your kids. She’s had her kids. You know, maybe she’s a widower or whatever, but. You’re getting together with somebody because you want to have a family, you want to create something together and you want the person to be loyal to you. That’s what you’re getting for.
Recently, I met a woman who made me start thinking about the possibility of settling down. We have been dating for six weeks, and as your book suggests, on the fifth week.
The Book says typically week 6 or 7, the women are in love and then they start having a talk. “Where is this? Where’s this going? Where do you see yourself in a few years? What do you think about us? What are we?”
She initiated “the talk” with me, asking to be exclusive. I told her let’s wait a bit more to get to know each other better. This girl is beautiful, well-educated, and very pleasant to be around, without any manifestations of drama, gaslighting, or generally toxic behaviors.
Well, get back to me in 6 to 12 months, and let me know how she is. Because people can hide who they are for about the first 90 days of their relationship. It’s right out of The Book. And so, you’re at week six, dude, way too early. You can’t make that decision yet.
Now, getting to the reason why I haven’t yet become exclusive with her: You won’t like this, I know. As much as an avid student as I am, I’ve never been able to let go of my insecurity regarding a woman’s past. After conversations where she felt comfortable sharing her true self, she disclosed some things that would usually be deal-breakers for me — hookups, casual relationships, and all that good stuff.
You know, it’s funny to me because you see this a lot from the Red Pill guys is like they act like this is a new thing. A woman having a casual hookup. I mean, really, this start stuff started back in the 60’s when the pill came out and then you could just have casual sex without the worry of typically getting pregnant. Now, obviously you’ve got diseases and everything.
You got a gift that keeps on giving that’s out there. Many different variations. So, you have to be concerned about that. You have to break down of the family where people aren’t staying together. And I mean, I look at my grandparents, my grandfather cheated on my grandmother with hookers through his whole life. He was in the merchant Marine, he would go overseas, bang hookers in Bangkok or wherever the hell he happened to be.
And he would write about it home to my uncle. And then my aunt would see the letters in the desk drawer, and she would read them. And then she’d be on the phone with my mom, telling her what our grandfather was up to. And it’s like, did I look at my grandparents like, “Wow, what a great, happy marriage.” And they had three kids together. But at the end of the day, my grandfather, he didn’t honor any commitments to my grandmother.
He just stayed with her because they had kids. They at some point they stopped having sex. And I noticed because my grandfather grandmother would talk about this. But yeah, my grandfather was still banging hookers and going to, what was it, The Boobie Trap, I think that was one of the ones, the Cheetah was another one he used to frequent, which if you’ve been to Pompano Beach, Florida.
So, he was always chasing girls or paying girls to hook up with him. And it’s like, it’s just that happened. It’s like so this is this is not unusual. It’s not unusual. Like I said, when I went to high school, if a girl was single, she might hook up with a guy or two thinking, hey, it’s going to go somewhere and then it doesn’t. And it doesn’t mean that they’re a hoe or a slut just because they had a couple of casual one-night stands.
I mean, it’s like when girls are young, they’re immature, they have no experience. They’re trying to figure this out and then guys are expecting them to have the intelligence, and the wisdom, of a 70 year old woman. It’s, you know, she’s 18, 20, 22 years old. It’s like, she’s got no life experience. It’s still a child, basically, mentally and emotionally. I mean, our brains don’t even fully function and aren’t fully developed until we’re about 25 anyways.
So, holding that against her. I mean, if it’s a few casual hookups, casual relationships, a friends with benefits, it’s like it’s that’s pretty common. A girl breaks up, she’s got a guy she hooks up with for a while, until she finds a guy she really wants to date. And then when she finds a guy she really wants to date, she become exclusive with him.
And then she would end the Friends of Benefits relationship, or put that guy back in the friend zone, or whatever happened to be. And it’s like, most of these girls went on to have great marriages, and they still have great marriages to this day. Now, there are other girls that I went to high school with that the parents were together, at least at the time.
And I knew the parents. I was like, I love the parents. But some of these girls were cheerleaders, just really super hot. And, you know, they might have been having sex with 2 or 3 guys at the same time, on a weekend. And then I got friends that are going out with these girls and hooking up with them like, hey, they’re thinking they’re going to get serious.
And then another friend of ours pulls him aside and he’s like, “Hey, yeah, three dudes just ran train on her last weekend, bro. It’s just a hook up, girl.” It’s like, “You’re not going to marry her. It’s not going to be your girlfriend.” Those have always been around, so this is not something new. But obviously in the culture now, it’s talked about a lot because we’ve got the Internet, we’ve got YouTube, and things that usually used to happen, that most people didn’t talk about, but they knew it was going on.
It’s like now it’s in the public consciousness. Like, this is a brand new thing. It’s just not. But still, if you’re trying to evaluate a woman and you’re trying to determine, can she keep her pants on? What kinds of relationships as she had, and is she selective, or is she just, you know, like a doorknob everybody gets their turn? Or is she like a TV? Everybody can turn her on.
These things upset me, and surprisingly enough, even after I failed to hide that I was perturbed, she stuck around and said she understands that I might need time to trust her.
The problem, Coach, is that the idea of wanting a girl with a clean slate has grown so deeply rooted in my brain at this point in my life that I can’t let it go.
Well, the reality, you’re just trying to determine what’s her character like? Is she going to be loyal and is she capable of keeping her pants on with you? And after six weeks of dating, you really don’t know that. But he didn’t really elaborate. It just sounds like from what he wrote, maybe I’m wrong, but from what he wrote, it sounds like she’s like most young girls, had a few boyfriends, had a few casual one-night stands, maybe a few friends with benefits.
And that doesn’t mean she’s disqualified. Did she cheat on her boyfriends? Was she loyal to them? Does she respect her dad? Does her mom respect her dad? Are her parents together; they have a good kind of relationship? A lot of guys look at women and just go, oh, well, the parents are together, she must be a great girl. Well, there’s lots of broken families where the parents are still together, and they can’t stand one another.
Like my own grandfather. I don’t know what age he stopped having sex with my grandmother, but the last several decades of their life, they were not getting it on. He was getting it somewhere else because he just didn’t want to. But he stayed in it. Presented a nice image to the family.
Meanwhile, I learned all this stuff after the fact. Like what he was really up to. I was like. What you gonna do about that? It is what it is. That’s life. Question is how does it affect the character of the girl? Is she nice to you? Is she easy going and easy to get along with, or is she constantly berating you?
I’m ashamed to say that after she disclosed these things to me, I view her as less of a high-value woman.
Well, you should appreciate the fact that she was honest with you, but. It’s like, dude, that’s going to be the story of most girls. It’s like the idea that you’re going to find a woman that’s ultra-religious, hidden away on a farm somewhere, that’s never even spoken to another guy. And then you’re going to marry her because you’re the first one. And just because of that, she’s going to be loyal forever.
It’s like that is the ultimate duncery because there’s lots of guys that went and did that, and she got a taste. And because she had low character, she slept with every other farmer in town.
I find myself vacillating between feelings of excitement for her and feelings of pessimism and disappointment. My dilemma here is: Do I give this a shot despite it making me uncomfortable, or do I stick to my guns and end it, no matter how great of a girl she is, to save us both from the turmoil of relationship anxiety?
Dude, if you don’t feel peace in your inside about being serious with her, then guess what? Don’t get serious with her. But keep in mind you may lose her to another guy, and rejection tends to breed obsession. And when that happens, and she dips to another guy, then the guy is like, “Oh, I lost the love of my life. I got to get her back. Corey, please help me.”
And does it make sense after working on myself so hard and becoming who I am, to forgo my rigidity around this issue and settle with something that bothers me so much?
Feel free to roast me, and I appreciate your work.
Well, dude. It’s the probationary period anyways. You’re six weeks in. You’ve been on maybe 6 or 7 dates. It’s just there’s no way you’ve spent enough time around this girl to evaluate her character. The way you represented it here, it looked like she, like most girls have been with a handful of dudes, and boyfriends. It’s like, had a few one-night stands, it’s common.
But is she out there on OnlyFans and giving up the box to the highest bidder? It’s like, that’s a different story. But he didn’t seem to represent this. He says his evaluation is she might be a great girl to settle down with. So, you still got to take time to vet her. The vetting process is not over. And currently, as it stands, in your vetting process of this woman, you are not comfortable enough to say, “My concerns have been alleviated. I am sure of her character. Let’s be exclusive.” So therefore, you got to trust your heart, your curiosity, and your intuition. If it says, “Don’t be exclusive, then don’t be exclusive.”
But the flip side is, is that you may lose her to somebody else. She may get tired of waiting around on you. So, continue to evaluate. Remember, 90 days people are going to hide who they are. And how is she, though, when you guys have been together a long time, how is she going to act when she’s totally comfortable with you and she feels comfortable in the relationship? And that’s going to come six, 12 months, a year, a year and a half, two years down the road, before you can really make that determination of whether or not to get married, or to move in or to start a family together.
It’s just so early in the process here. It’s good that you’re thinking about these things. But you got to look at your issue here, it’s like, it’s just not realistic to think you’re going to get a virgin or be a passport, bro, and go somewhere and then bring a girl back here to the States, and think she’ll never cheat on you. She’ll never leave you. She’ll never give out her number to other men.
It’s this is part of the evaluation process, and the vetting process. Will she keep her word? Is she the loyal type? Has she ever cheated on any boyfriends? Has she been given out phone numbers to guys when she was in a relationship? Does she keep her word? What’s her parents’ relationship like? Is there a good example at home? Or you’re like, “Pfft,” “She respects mom and dad,” and she does the right things.
It’s like obviously you don’t know, you don’t have comfort. So, take time and don’t agree to be exclusive until you’re 100% certain that that’s what you want to do. And this woman definitely is somebody that you’d want to have kids with. But just getting your stomach turned, because she’s had a few boyfriends, and a few casual hookups, it’s like, that’s pretty fucking normal, dude.
And anybody who tells you differently, is some inexperienced Rube that doesn’t know Jack shit about women. There are a lot of them on YouTube. There’s like 40 million YouTube channels, so there’s a lot of dunces out there, that have no idea what they’re talking about. And all they’re doing is pissing guys off, and making them angry, and cynical, and demoralizing them, and making them think that all women are the same. When you have that kind of attitude, you’re going to meet the same kind of women, and you attract how you act as you view the world, well, you’re going to continue to attract the same kind of people.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.