What causes a woman’s interest and effort to slowly fade away.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 30 year old Australian viewer who came across my work several years ago, but never took the time to read and learn the book. He started dating a 23-year-old woman he met on the Hinge dating app back in April.
She went away to Europe for 3 weeks and never reached out to him once. When she got back in town she was very cold and distant and basically blew him off. He wonders what happened. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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This particular email is from a Brazilian guy who actually lives in the land down under in Australia. He’s 30 and he was dating a 23-year-old woman that he met on Hinge back in April of this year. He says he came across my work several years. He doesn’t mention anything about the book, 3% Man, obviously. So I have to assume he probably hasn’t even gotten around to reading it yet. He’s just been a lazy ass and cherry picking in videos and obviously this is why he’s having problems, because he is unable to tell what her true interest in him is and he just can’t read the situation.
There’s a reason why I say you got to read the book 10–15 times to get to know it backwards and forwards. This guy, unfortunately, did not follow instructions like a lot of people that write in, and especially like a lot of the guys that I coach. The guys I talked to, I’d say probably 70%, 80% of the dudes I talked to in phone sessions that are having problems with girls, all fall in the same boat, “Yeah, I read your book once or twice a few years ago, or I read your book four or five times, three or four years ago. Then two years ago I got in this relationship. It wasn’t until she dumped me that I got back into it, then I saw everything I’ve been doing wrong.”
So the idea is you read the book 10–15 times. Most importantly, you apply it so you get experience with successful repetitions and unfortunately, it doesn’t look like it. So he was dating this girl, and I guess she went away to Europe for like three weeks for a vacation. Then when she came back, she was totally cold and distant. He says he doesn’t think he over-pursued. Like I said, as we go through his email, we’ll be able to see what really happened here and what went sideways.
You can see that the guy’s totally behind the eight ball because he didn’t bother reading and learning the book and taking it seriously. Now he’s in a crunch because this girl he really likes basically is blowing him off.
I started following a few years ago and I am in a situation where I don’t really know what to do now. I’d much appreciate your help.
Well, the first thing you should be doing is reading the book. You got to get through it at least once. I mean, come on man. You got to help yourself. You must participate in your own rescue. I can help you a lot in the video, but you got to take the time to learn this material. So if you listen to the book on two-speed and you follow along in a digital or physical copy, you can get through it in four hours.
That’s the most effective way to get the information into your brain as quickly and as efficiently as possible so you can stop doing all of these unattractive things that you’re doing that, quite frankly, after reading your email, I can tell you just have no idea what you’re doing that’s turning this girl off or on. So your game sucks. You’re flying completely blind.
I am Brazilian and I live in Australia. I’m 30 years old and I started seeing this 23-year-old girl from Hinge in April, we went to a few dates until I noticed she was super keen on me. We were seeing each other every weekend as we live in different cities, she would drive an hour and a half to see me every Saturday.
So if a girl is driving an hour and a half to see you every Saturday, every weekend, that means that she’s really into you. At least, she was really into you.
We used to have fun and have conversations about having our own space which was great but we were also thinking of visiting Japan together next year. In July she had a work/leisure trip to Europe and I didn’t text her because I was expecting her to send me some photos of the trip (I really don’t care if she was going out and seeing another guys there, I’d do that)…
If you started seeing this girl in April and then in July, she goes away, that’s four months. For those of you that know the book, how long does it take for a woman to fall in love? If you’re applying and following what’s in the book, week six or seven.
So you’re four months into it and the girl goes away to Europe for three weeks and you never hear from her. What does that tell us? She’s not that into you. She doesn’t really give a shit about you. It’s obvious that you were way overrating her interest in you and you were the one with the high interest, but you couldn’t see that because you never bothered to read the book and learn what the hell you were doing. It’s now only after the fact when you’ve totally turned this girl off that now you’re like, “What do I do?”
Obviously, he said he didn’t care if she was seeing somebody else. I mean, you’re four months into it, dude. If she’s still dating other dudes, you’re just not that important to her. You’re just an occasional friends with benefits.
It sounds like she was really enthusiastic in the beginning, but you just kept doing and saying things that turned her off without even realizing you were doing it to where she goes away to Europe and you don’t even hear from her. Why? Because you’re just not that important to her.
…But the thing is that she didn’t text me at all for three weeks.
Because you’re not a priority. You’re not important to her. You’re just a guy that she was occasionally fucking by that point. So when he’s talking about how she was driving an hour and a half every weekend, that’s when things were good. So every time he’s hanging out with her, instead of her interest going up and her falling in love and wanting to be exclusive and her gushing over him, instead she goes away to Europe and he doesn’t hear anything for three weeks. That just shows she didn’t care at all. He cared, but she didn’t care.
Women like you more if they think that they’re way more into you than you are into them. It’s obvious that you were way more into her than she was into you, and you’re only just now realizing it.
When she was back I texted her saying, “I noticed things were a bit cold and I’d love to talk about it with a bottle of wine the next Saturday.” She says she was busy and we would be able to see each other again in two weekends.
So again, you haven’t seen her in three weeks. She’s back. “Yeah, I can get together in a couple of weeks.” So at that point, that’s five weeks that she goes without seeing you. It’s like, you’re not important to her at all. At this point, you’re maybe just booty call to her. Again, when you were hanging out with her, instead of her interest going up, it was going down. It went in the opposite direction.
We managed to have a lunch date after that and I kept feeling that was a bit more distant than before.
Now you’re going to lunch. If you’re interested in sex or romance, you do things in the evening. You don’t go to a lunch. If you’re going to a lunch, that means you’re already kind of stuck in friend zone.
One day, I texted her to ask for another date on the weekend. I texted her saying, “What you up to this weekend? I think you should come see me,” she took 12 hours to reply a simple and cold, “I’m going out this weekend.” She never took that long to reply.
Yeah, because she didn’t give a shit anymore. You totally turned her off to the point where Elvis had left the building and you didn’t even realize it was happening. I guess the wake up for you was when she went to Europe and you didn’t hear anything so you way overrated her interest in you.
You just assume since you had been hanging out with her that she was into you, and more than likely now that you’re looking back on it, you could tell several weeks before she went away that her interest was going down and you didn’t understand why and, more than likely, you didn’t want to admit it to yourself because that means taking personal responsibility and admitting that you were doing and saying a lot of really unattractive things.
I got frustrated and unfollowed her on Instagram, willing to walk away from her. After a few days she unfollowed me too and blocked her Instagram. Now I noticed her Instagram is public again but we are not seeing each other’s stories.
Well, you shouldn’t be looking at each other’s stories and you shouldn’t be creeping her Instagram because it’s obvious from your interactions with her that you’re kind of like on the back burner. You’re just a guy she used to have sex with.
I really wanted to her to reach out and I’m willing to wait for that…
No, you shouldn’t be willing to wait for that. You should be getting back into the book and getting back out into the dating world and start applying it so you can improve your skills. So if she does come back, you’ll actually be better than the last time she interacted with you, because the only way you’re going to get better and really master this stuff is if you learn what to do and then you actually apply with women you’re dating so you can see that it works because right now all you’re really doing is half-assing it and trying to cherry pick things from videos because you’re looking for a copy and paste solution or a magic pick-up line that’s just going to fix everything.
What’s happening here is that you’re displaying all kinds of unattractive behavior that is caused her interest to continually go down instead of up. I can tell from your email you’re totally clueless as to why and how that happened.
…But I wanted to know I acted the right way walking away from a behaviour I didn’t like and unfollowing her. We haven’t talked about what happened yet.
Thank you for your help through these years!
See you on YouTube,
Well, what happened “yet” is she lost respect and attraction for you because you didn’t act like a man. As simple as that. That’s what happened. You didn’t follow the book. You were unprepared. You were totally full of yourself, and you now are realizing that it’s got consequences.
You can’t just show up and cherry pick from videos. I say it constantly and I feel bad for you, but this is on you. You made the choice to ignore the instructions and half-ass it. So the staying in the pain of rejection that you’re feeling now, it’s all the result of the dude that you see in the mirror every day.
So what you need to be doing is reading the book so you can figure out where you went wrong. So if you do hear from her again, you stop displaying all of that unattractive behavior because if you don’t read the book and she does reach out, you’re going to continue to turn her off and cause her to lose respect to the point where she just ghosted you forever. It looks like you’re kind of on the verge of being ghosted forever anyways.
At this point, you’re in no contact because you never try to keep somebody that doesn’t want to keep you. I mean, she blew you off because she didn’t give a shit. You obviously care because you’re writing an email and everything. You can have some attainable success cherry picking the videos, but you’re never going to be able to sustain it.
In this case, she was into you maybe for the first few weeks and you were constantly doing and saying things that turned her off and you didn’t even realize you were doing it. You were totally full of yourself and you thought you had it all handled and that you were clever and didn’t need to read the book, didn’t need to spend that much time. You just need a few tips and tricks here and there and that’ll solve the problem.
If you don’t undo all of the unattractive behavior that you’re displaying, the next girl that you meet that you really like is going to blow you off and dump you for exactly the same reasons, which is just a ton of unattractive behavior. Calling too much, texting too much. You’re probably letting her push you around when you’re on dates, probably acting very beta male-like.
The last part of this email, I can tell here that you’re doing all the pursuing and, more than likely, before she left town, you were doing all the pursuing. So when she went away by that point, her feelings were mostly gone. That’s why she was so cold and distant. As you said, the only thing you get her to do is agree to go to lunch because she didn’t want to do anything that was going to potentially lead to sex. So that’s on you, dude.
I’m sorry that this happened to you, but you did it to yourself because you didn’t listen. You didn’t follow instructions. You either fix it and potentially can turn it around with this girl, or the next one. I promise you, if you don’t do anything, put a fork in it. It’s going to be done with this girl.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.