When You’re Not Really Into Her, But Feel Guilty About It
What you should do when you’re not really into the woman you’re dating but feel guilty about it.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following my work for about four years after his toxic ex-girlfriend monkey branched from him to another guy. Most of the women he meets and dates he’s not really into, but the few that he really does like, don’t seem to be that into him.
He feels guilty about agreeing to be exclusive with women he’s dating once they ask, but he ends the relationship a few months later. He asks my opinion, because he feels like sometimes he’s ready to give up on what he really wants. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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Part of the problem is deep down, he’s worrying or fearful that he’s not going to meet anybody he really clicks with. Which is understandable when enough time goes by and you look around you and you think other people are happier or living a better life than you are. It’s never a good thing when you start comparing yourself to other people, because your life is your own life. It’s going to be completely different than everybody else’s.
When you compare yourself to somebody else, instead of judging your life to your own standards of success, you’re judging it to somebody else’s standards — which is often, especially when it comes to social media, a false reality of what you think they have that you don’t. And so, it’s a good email for those of you that are holding out for something better, or maybe you’re in a similar situation to this guy, you’re not feeling it and you’re just going, “Maybe it’ll get better. Maybe I’ve got cold feet.”
Obviously, if you’ve read How To Be A 3% Man, these were some of the same feelings I had. I can totally see myself in this guy in what he’s going through and what I went through in my early twenties. Deep down, it’s that fear — fear that “If I leave this situation, am I going to find anybody better? If I leave this job, or if I leave this person, or this relationship.” And then you do leave, a bunch of time passes, and you still haven’t, in your own mind, improved or gotten somebody better, then you’re going to start doubting what you had. It’s not easy following what feels right for you.
Viewer’s Email:
Hi Coach!
I’ve been a loyal fallower for almost 4 years. Around November/December of 2017, my ex-NPD girlfriend monkey branched on me to another guy.
I assume that’s a narcissistic personality disorder girlfriend.
After a couple weeks of wondering what the hell just happened, I started using a man’s most trusted tool, GOOGLE!! That lead me to your work. After reading the book How To Be A 3% Man the required amount and applying what was in it….
Obviously, 10 to 15 times. He’s a good student.
..I was stunned by the success I was having.
I’m not, obviously.
I was starting to understand why the 2 I really liked, (hell, I loved them if I’m being honest), would display flakey behavior. But the women I wasn’t really all that crazy about would bend over backwards and follow me all over the country if I wanted them to.
Well, the simple answer is that the women that you weren’t that into, you did everything right. You basically embodied what the book teaches. But as soon as you really cared and you were really into these other two particular women, you changed. You were different. You were too nice, you were too compliant, too willing to to please, not stand up for yourself and not be the guy that you normally are with everybody else.
This is the hard part for all of us. It’s that battle that goes on between our ears and our in our mind of our limiting beliefs. In other words, the story that we tell ourselves about what we’re not capable of, and what we don’t have, and we don’t have the resources to do or the intelligence.
We’re not good enough, or not good looking enough, or we don’t have the personality, whatever it happens to be. Versus the battle with the optimistic side of us that’s always saying, “Just a little bit longer. Just push through this a few more days, a few more weeks, three more months. We’ll get there.” There’s this constant back and forth battle that’s going on in our minds, and that influences everything we do, or fail to do, to move our lives forward.
From that point on, it was a natural progression into P.U.A stuff and then the Red Pill, mostly Rollo’s work.
Which I think Rollo’s book, “The Rational Male,” is a good book and everybody should read it, but there’s just way too many people I see from the emails I get and the comments I get, they get caught up in that and they into that negative black pill, if you will. They just become really bitter and angry with women, and then their success plummets, because women can sense this. Women go from being happy to interact with these guys to wanting nothing to do with them, because these guys are so angry and so pissed off. They just make women not feel safe.
I’ve had countless emails over the years and done a ton of phone sessions with guys that got into the red pill, started following Rollo’s work, and they just went down that negative rabbit hole. They went from having good success when they were following my work to having no success when they got involved in Rollo’s and some of these other guys’ things, because they end up using it as an excuse to be pissed off at women and say, “Hey, it’s not my fault.” It’s just too easy to do that.
I’m all about solutions, not complaining about a particular group of toxic women. If you apply what’s in my book, you should be able to spot the toxic women, because if you apply what’s in “How To Be A 3% Man,” it’ll bring out the best in the best really fast, and it’ll bring out the worst in the worst really fast, so you can boot the toxic ones right out of your life and not get heavily involved.
Unfortunately, a lot of these guys in the red pill community have been burned. They’ve been burned in divorce court or they’ve been burned in relationships. And it’s understandable to be bitter and pissed off. None of us like to accept that we screwed up or we invited that person into our life. We said yes to them. We’re the one that made them our girlfriend. We’re the ones that married them. We’re the ones who chose to have kids with them, despite all the red flags.
I have basically lived and breathed this stuff the last 4 years, and I’ve had pretty good success. I even reattracted “my first love,” one of “the ones that got away” 20 years ago when we were kids. She was always a little flakey, but last summer she was hard core chasing me down, and just absolutely throwing the pussy at me. But from your work, I am able to understand that no matter how much I care for her, she’s devious as hell and flat out just not a good woman.
That’s hard. It’s really hard to accept that, especially when your emotions are engaged. And that’s why “How To Be A 3% Man,” what’s in there, will really help you keep a level head, instead of going off into La-La Land. Because if you let yourself do that, you’re going to get burned.
My success has been so good that I have met and bedded down 7 women in 2020 alone. I’d say that’s pretty good considering a pandemic and strict stay at home orders. My main issue that I am having is I’ll date a woman, and around week 6, 7, 8, I’ll get the “What are we? Where is this going? Do you consider me to be your girlfriend?” questions. And some of the time I feel there might be a little chemistry between us, so I go ahead and we’ll make it “official.”
So, that statement right there, “I feel there might be a little chemistry,” you don’t get serious with women that you feel there’s a little chemistry. You’ll know if it’s the right person. Every fiber of your being is going to tell you, “I’d love to be exclusive. I would love to be your boyfriend. I would love to have you as my girlfriend.” If you’re not feeling that on the inside, you don’t get exclusive, dude.
But I can understand after many years and you haven’t gotten together with somebody that really knocks your socks off, who’s also got their shit together, it can be demoralizing. It can be hard to to keep on keeping on, to keep holding out and going, “Well, this one’s good. The holidays are coming up. Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. My parents are always asking me when I’m going to get serious with somebody,” and you talk yourself into it. But the bottom line is the feelings are not there.
I don’t see anything about high emotional engagement. I don’t see any kind of burning desire or burning enthusiasm for these particular women. It sounds like he’s being guilted into getting serious.
But after a few months I feel like, although I care about this person a lot and would do anything for them, this isn’t exactly what I’m looking for, and so the relationship ends.
Well, you should have never gotten into a relationship at all, dude. Because the words you used to describe these women, it’s like, no, you weren’t feeling it. So, that was your fuck up. And I I know this from experience, because I did this in my twenties as well. I should have never gotten married to my wife. I loved her, she was a great girl, she was a great wife, but something was missing. And I just didn’t have the inner strength, “the testicular fortitude,” (to borrow from Richard Marcinko’s term — I believe he was the one that coined it), to just break up and move on.
And it was a very painful. It’s a very painful experience to go through a divorce, and it’s embarrassing. It’s not a lot of fun. And it was expensive on top of that, even though we were only married a year. That’s why it’s so super important to do what feels right for you. And just because you feel guilty or this girl is really nice, you don’t just go along with it.
Although we’re still friends usually and they take it pretty well, I feel like what I am doing is wrong.
Well, it is, dude. You shouldn’t be getting serious with women you don’t really want to be getting serious with.
And I feel like I’m going to pay one day for breaking up with these women. Don’t get me wrong, they’re great, but I just don’t see myself with them long term. So, what do I do?
Never agree to be in an exclusive relationship with somebody that you don’t want to be in an exclusive relationship with. Don’t be guilted into it. I know it’s hard because you’re going to get peer pressured by friends, family. You’ve got to remember, we’re all surrounded by mostly mediocre people. If you’re watching this, most of the people you know are going to have no interest in watching a video like mine, or doing the work, or reading “How To Be A 3% Man,” or reading “Mastering Yourself,” or even getting into my quotes book. They just simply won’t do it.
And so, if you’re surrounded by mediocre people who aren’t willing to go the extra mile to help themselves and then they see that you are, they’re going to try to get you to make the same decisions that they have made, because that validates their life choices. So, it’s really super important to know who you are, what you want and why you want it, so you can resist the influence of the media or people.
I don’t want to end up like my NPD ex and have dozens of bodies behind me, (like she possibly does). Although I’m not doing this on purpose, I know karma is real because I’ve seen what happens to women when they pull this type of stuff on guys.
Well, the key is to be authentic and true to yourself. And if you’re dating and the girl is like, “Well, where’s this going?” and you know you don’t want to be exclusive with her, you’ve got to say, “Well, to be honest, I’m just kind of casually dating. I don’t really want to get serious until it feels right. I like you a lot, but it doesn’t feel like I want to get serious or exclusive.”
And you may lose her. She may say, “Alright. Well, if this isn’t going anywhere, then I want to move on,” and you should wish her well. That’s the right thing to do. That’s the masculine thing to do. That’s the honorable thing to do. And then that way, she can say, “Hey, he was a good guy. He was honest with me, and I appreciate that. He didn’t waste my time. He didn’t get into a relationship. He wasn’t going along to get along. He wasn’t a pleaser. He was a man. He was a real fucking man.” She asked him to be exclusive and he had the balls to say no.
I’m just looking for some much needed advice, because I’ve never seen this topic on any video or any thread, and I’ve never seen anyone write about this topic specific.
Thanks again,
Bob
Well, actually, it’s in the book, and you’re just not doing what’s in the book. Maybe you’re impatient, maybe you’re being guilted into it at times, but the reality is you’re not listening to your inner voice and your inner intuition, which is not a good way to go. You’ve got to trust that. If you’re not inside going, “Hell yeah! I’d love to be exclusive with this person,” it’s like, no. You’ve got to keep it moving, dude.
Plus, the other thing you’ve got to consider is that you want something great but you’re getting into relationships with mediocre people or women that you’re not feeling it for. And so, now the space that you had for that great person is now closed, because you’ve got somebody that you settled for, in essence. And that’s what you’re doing. You’re settling in your personal life and you’re not going to attract somebody spectacular when you’re continually settling.
You’ve got to hold out for spectacular, because holding out for spectacular communicates to the universe that you believe and you feel that you’re worth it. And so, you’ll go without mediocre in the meantime, until someone really great comes along. It’s hard to do, but you’re going to have to do it.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
“Success seems to only come after much struggle and way more time invested than you expected when you started. Learning to trust your heart, curiosity and intuition when it comes to choosing friends, lovers, careers and business associates is extremely difficult when you are surround by an overwhelming majority of people who have settled for a life that is less than they are capable of living. You must do what you do and choose what you choose for your own reasons, not the reasons of others who think they know better than you do what’s best for you. It’s never crowded along the extra mile on your journey to success, because most people have simply given up. Cherish, love and support those rare people who also have what it takes to succeed and be great teammates.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
