When You Should Commit To A Relationship
How you can know when it’s time to commit to being in a relationship, and how to go about it.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss a follow-up email from the viewer whose email I answered in, “Should I Allow Her To Come Over When She Asks?” In his latest email, he reveals they have been dating for about four months.
Recently, she brought up being in a relationship and being exclusive. He told her no and that he would be open to it in the future, simply because she still hasn’t told him that she loves him yet, even though she almost has several times. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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One of the things I noticed, and I believe I called this guy out in the past video, he’s being a little too robotic when it comes to applying How To Be A 3% Man. And so, what I liked about his email is he’s got an interesting situation. It’s a big topic for a lot of guys. He’s got this woman he’s been dating for about four months. She’s come real close to saying “I love you” several times, and then she kind of catches herself and backs up.
She’s bringing up the topic about being in a relationship. You can tell it’s really starting to drive her nuts and drive her interest in the right direction. Because it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. And so, this guy is doing a good job of giving her time and space to be present with their feelings. And when he’s not seeing that she’s displaying the kind of behavior that he really wants to see, he’s waiting. He’s not jumping into committing to her right away.
Again, it’s a good, descriptive email because a lot of guys get into this situation. Because most guys, they don’t know any better. They see too many movies and TV shows, “You better put a ring on that finger. You better lock her down or somebody else is going to steal her from you.” Guys are just needy and desperate, and in order to feel better about themselves and where they’re at in life, they figure, “Hey, if I get her to commit to me, then she’s mine and she can’t leave me.” So, obviously that’s the wrong mindset you want to have.
And I talk about this a lot, but you look at the older movies, and what guys were always doing was they were resisting settling down and getting married. And eventually at the end, after enough persistence and the woman just being awesome and amazing, she convinces the guy to go ahead and marry her and have the white picket fence and all that stuff, but it was her idea. Nowadays, you see the exact opposite thing on TV and movies, that the guy’s supposed to be a stalker, basically, and drag a woman off to the alter. And then they’re going to live happily ever after, because he’ll prove his love to her, which is nonsense. You do that in the real world, you’ll get a restraining order against you.
Thank you for making that video titled “Should I Allow Her To Come Over When She Asks?” I have a certain challenge with this girl I need to ask you about. We’ve been dating about 4 months now, and she has a level 8–9 attraction towards me.
Well, love starts around the nine mark. And if you’re not consistently keeping her there, then maybe you’ve got some work to do or maybe you just need a little bit more time. But it’s been four months, so obviously you haven’t done everything perfect. But you’re not going to do everything perfect with the first woman that you’re applying “How To Be A 3% Man” with. You’ve got to learn. You’ve got to make mistakes. You’re going to fail. And that’s part of life.
The goal is to learn from your failures so you get better and you become competent. You’re going to learn more from failure than you’re going to learn from success. Because success, quite frankly, can make you soft and it can make you lazy and complacent.
We were together and had a talk yesterday. After the indoor Olympics, she asked me, “Do you want to be fuck buddies, or be in a relationship?”
Well, that’s pretty subtle. It’s pretty clear what she’s thinking, “What are we?”
She also mentioned that she’d like to be in a relationship with me, but she is bothered because of our age gap, (I’m 22 and she is 30).
So, if she throws something like that out there, “Well, I’m kind of apprehensive about the age gap,” then what’s great about this, a great way to handle that is to say, “You know what? Well, as far as us being in a relationship, I wouldn’t commit to somebody if they’re upset about the fact that we have a whole eight years between us, like that’s a big deal. But obviously, it’s a big deal for you and I wouldn’t want to have a girlfriend that’s apprehensive about that.”
“I want a woman who is 100% committed to me, who is madly in love with me and thinks I’m the most amazing man on the planet and she’s dying to make me her man. That’s what I want. I am not interested in being exclusive with somebody that goes, ‘I’m really worried about our eight-year age difference.’ It’s like, okay, no problem. Well, then let’s continue to casually date and not be exclusive.”
So, just because of that comment alone, it’s like, you don’t commit to somebody that’s apprehensive, you want somebody who’s like, “Hell yeah, let’s do this. I’m in. Sold! Sign me up. I’ll take the fully loaded version.”
I responded, “I really like you and would like to be exclusive with you sometime in the future. Now is not the time.”
That’s a good way to approach it. Because, again, if you’re hinting that you want her to be your girlfriend now, and she’s like, “Oh, but that eight-year age difference,” it’s like, “Yeah, I don’t like that. That’s not selling me on your proposition.” Granted, she could be hedging her bets, but I don’t care. If you want me to commit to a relationship and you’re going to say something like that, it’s like “Nope. No thanks. Not yet.”
She then said, “I need to organize my thoughts and feelings and then talk to you about it.” She also mentioned she has relationship goals.
So, she’s getting there. So good, let her have those thoughts. And quite frankly, it’s good that he held back the commitment, especially bringing up the age gap, “I’m apprehensive about this and that.” I don’t want a woman to be apprehensive about me. I want her to be 100% convinced that it’s the right decision for her and for me. And if she’s not convinced, “Well, then let me know when you are convinced. And hopefully somebody doesn’t come along and steal me away from you.” Not that you’re going to say that, but you could say it playfully, in a fun way.
That’s part of being with a girl who’s easy going, easy to get along with. Oftentimes, women that grew up in families where they had a bunch of older brothers and they just messed with her mercilessly, because that’s what brothers do, she’s going to have a good attitude and be playful and not take shit personally when you say things. And trust me, if you’re going to be with somebody for the long term, you want somebody that’s easy going, easy to get along with, no drama.
And that includes your friendships. I have no friendships in my life where people are constantly bringing drama or talking about drama. I did in the past. I wrote about it in “Mastering Yourself.” People would call me, “Oh, man, you’re not going to believe what happened to me today!” And they’d go on this long diatribe about this, and that person screwed them over, and it’s like, life’s too short. You don’t want to deal with that.
Easy going, easy to get along with. Life is hard enough already. You don’t need friends, you don’t need a girlfriend, you don’t need a wife, you don’t need family members making things more difficult for you unnecessarily. And the ones that do, like in jujitsu, you must manage the distance Padawan.
She says she is confused as to why when we’re out dating, I am, in her words “great.”
“Why I’m great? Because I’m the sexiest man alive, babe. I know it’s tough. It’s tough being with me. It’s tough being with such an amazing dude.” Those are the kinds of things you’re going to interject.
But during the week outside of our dates, she tells me I am “distant.”
You’re like, “Well, maybe you should pick up your phone, call me and tell me how much you miss me and you’re having impure thoughts about me, and maybe you should come over and do something about that.”
She says she is confused because she doesn’t know what I feel towards her, and that makes her feel uncomfortable.
It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. “You don’t know how I feel towards you? Well, maybe you should kiss me right now, and that’ll help you with your feelings. I’ll help you get in touch with your feelings.” Remember, this is a conversation they were having while they were laying in bed together after they just had sex, so it’s a great way to be playful. Because love is playful and fun, it’s not serious.
Everything is going really, really, really great! But she has never said, “I Love You,” and I really want to hear her say that to me.
Well, obviously, if you would have been following everything in “How To Be A 3% Man,” it would have happened by now. It usually happens at about week seven or eight, assuming that the woman is a normal, healthy woman and not some crazy lunatic with all kinds of problems, because there’s a lot of those out there.
A lot of women come from broken families, and a lot of dudes are trying to turn hoes into housewives, and then they’re shocked that it doesn’t work out. And they go and they write books, and they cry about it, and talk about how horrible women are and how horrible single women are and all. And the reality is they’re just a bunch of pussies that are trying to absolve themselves from any personal responsibility for their shitty life choices. But I digress.
In her words, she tells me I make her feel safe, she really likes me, she is addicted to me, she misses me, she will always make time for me, she is always excited for our dates.
Well, as I talk about in “How To Be A 3% Man,” your job as a man in the courtship is to create an opportunity for sex to happen. Hang out, have fun and hook up. Pretty simple.
She always talks about doing things together and spending more time with each other. She is a giver in a way that she pays for our dates a lot.
Ooh nice. It’s nice when a girl takes you out.
She loves cooking for me, she says she wants to keep me happy, she gets cake and wine, etc.
She’s trying to fatten you up, my man.
I’ve been setting our future get-together during our dates, because when we are together, she always asks me, “When are you free, so we can do this together?” and I take the opportunity to set the next date.
Well, she’s bringing it up, so that’s okay. She’s requesting more of your time. And what do you do when someone treats you amazing? You give them the greatest gift you can give anybody, which is a gift of more of your time. And if not, they get the gift of missing you.
Usually the week after, as I’m really busy during the week pursuing my goals and ambitions. However twice now, I’ve got that booty call from her.
Twice. Twice in four months, so you’re just not there yet. And hey, you’re not going to be perfect. I wasn’t perfect. I mean, you read the book. I was definitely not perfect. I was a total fuck-up, but I eventually got it figured out. And you’re in a good place, so keep doing what you’re doing, keep getting better, and when you consistently keep her interest in the nine to ten range, it’s like she’ll be all over you like white on rice, bro.
You will know, trust me. Because when a woman’s in love, they want your attention all the fucking time, like a suckerfish. They are stuck to you 24/7 — calling, texting, wanting to be near you, touching you, wanting to hold your hand, wanting to make love. All those good things.
We’re always kissing and touching and hugging when were together, and she initiates it too.
It’s always better if a woman is chasing you, because if she’s chasing you, she’s not blowing you off or dumping you. And everything in “How To Be A 3% Man” is set up to teach you to be that way, to be that desirable man that a woman will do those things for. Not because you’re a jerk, but because you’re amazing and you become her Prince Charming. She can’t help but fall hopelessly head over heels in love with you.
But she’s never told me she loves me. There were some moments when I think she almost says it but hesitates.
Actually, you can go, “I’m sorry, did you have something you wanted to share with the audience today? I’m sorry, did you have something you want to share with me? You look like you’re about to say something, but then you stopped yourself. What was that? What were you about to say?” You can say it just like I’m saying it, making fun of it, being goofy and silly.
“Oh, I don’t want to say anything” like, “Okay.” And it’s like you act like you kind of know what she was about to say, but you also kind of act a little stupid, like “What could it be? I don’t know. You’re probably thinking about how amazing I am, how great I am in bed, how handsome I am, how funny I am, how much you like my shaved head?”
There were moments where I really want to say it first, but I hold my tongue to follow your principle on having the girl to say it first.
Well, don’t be a robot, dude. But obviously, in this case, based upon everything you shared, that is the right principle. You’ve just got to look at it and go, “I haven’t done everything perfectly correct.” Again, this is assuming she’s a normal, happy, healthy woman. And so far, with both your emails, I haven’t seen anything that indicates she belongs to the streets! So, so far, so good.
What is your opinion on why she doesn’t say she loves me?
Because she’s probably not there yet. It looks like she’s almost there, but she’s not there yet.
And what should I do?
I can’t wait for your response coach! I’ve got both 3% Man & Mastering Yourself on Audible. I will get your 3rd book too. I’m excited for it.
You should keep doing what you’re doing. You should keep reading “How To Be A 3% Man.” It sounds like she’s getting close. She’s ready to pop. So, good job, dude. I’m proud of you. Two really good emails.
So if you’ve got a question or a challenge you’d like to get my help with, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
“Men should agree to be exclusive and commit to a relationship only when their women are in love, they have been properly vetted and have proven through their actions that they are reliable, easy going, easy to get along with, trustworthy and that they have integrity, and preferably, when women signal either directly or indirectly that they are ready. Too many guys are in a mad dash to the finish line to lock women down to commitments out of their fear of losing them to another guy or to soothe their needy, neurotic insecurities. When a woman is happy, in love and ready for a relationship, she will let you know. Until then, hang out, have fun and hook up.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne