When You Care More About Her Than She Does You
What it means and what you should do when you care more about her than she does you.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who says he’s read my book 5 times and watched a lot of videos. He has been in a “situationship” with a girl who he thought was his dream woman for the past 9 months. He’s come to realize that he’s way more into her than she’s into him. She treats him like a 2nd class citizen. Part of his problem is he’s overpursued and acted needy, and she knows she has all the power and takes him for granted.
He’s constantly gotten butt-hurt instead of just simply matching and mirroring her actions and effort. He broke it off but wonders if he did the right thing. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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This is a good email because a lot of guys get this way when the woman’s not behaving the way they want. They get mad, they get angry, they get upset. And then after a while, when a woman picks up on that, she’s going to troll them with that. When women sense weakness, they’re going to test. They naturally do that, especially if you constantly get upset about little things. They’ll bring it up again just to watch you get upset and see how you handle it.
This is a weird one. I’ve listened to the audiobook 5 times and watched a lot of videos. I know I need to keep at it. I just ended a situationship of 9 months with someone I thought was my dream woman. I messed up a bit in the beginning with a little overpursuit, but she was still doing at least 60% of the initiating.
Well, if you’ve read the book five times like you claim, and you’re nine months down the road and you’re doing 40% of the pursuing, the book says never do more than 20 -30%. And so, you’re still overpursuing, and it was probably closer to 50/50. And the reason I say that is because when we go through the email and you look at her actions, that’s typically what you see. You see the interest of a woman who’s just kind of lukewarm towards this guy.
She’ll go from being attracted and interested in him to being turned off and kind of viewing him platonically. Not that she said any of that, but since I’ve been doing this almost 20 years, and you just see the same patterns over and over, I could tell he still pursued too much. He’s communicated constantly that he’s way more into her than she’s into him.
The reality is, even though women complain about it and say it’s not true, women are more attracted to guys whose feelings are unclear. That’s a scientific fact. Women will like you more if they think they like you more than you like them. Now, aside from that, I don’t know what this girl is like. She could be a good person, a bad person, I don’t know. I’m just saying, from what he shared in the email, she could tell she’s got all the power.
Women don’t want the power and control. And if you put them in a leadership role, and if you’re constantly communicating that you don’t feel worthy or that you’re upset when she doesn’t do certain things, she doesn’t trust your masculine core, she doesn’t trust your leadership, because you don’t have your act together. Every time she does something that’s upsetting or you just automatically assume the worst and you get butt-hurt, it’s going to constantly turn any woman off.
So, this is a good email on how to clean up and fine tune things. We know he’s still over pursuing, even after nine months, even though he tries to convince himself that he’s not.
She is a high value, extremely successful woman, and after a lot of research, I’m pretty certain a narcissist. She would say things like, “You can do whatever you want to do but if i find out, it will be over.” But then she would message me saying I better not be talking to other girls and many other mixed messages like this. She never wants friends with benefits and never sleeps with a guy unless she sees a future with him and it goes on.
You can see part of the problem is he’s assuming that she doesn’t see a future with him, but she’s telling him these things because she’s trying to help him. Women help you when they like you. She’s telling you what she wants, but you’ve got to act man enough and masculine enough, and more masculine than she does, for her to feel safe enough to relax and move into her feminine energy, so she can open up and let her feelings grow. But because this guy is constantly getting upset and butthurt and mad at her, she’s just doesn’t respect him.
She would also leave town for a week at a time here and there and not reach out very often.
She doesn’t reach out, and instead of him just looking at it going, “women are like cats. They come and go,” he’s mad that she doesn’t reach out enough. And so he tells her about it and he gets upset about it, and that’s not attractive. You’re not going to fix that behavior by getting butt-hurt about it. You should just look at it as feedback.
Women are going to show up in your life in how they’re responding to you and how you’re showing up. And if you’re constantly butt-hurt and perturbed and then she goes out of town and you’re mad she doesn’t text you very much, if you take a step back and look at that, you go, well, she’s just not that into you. She’s not feeling it. And being mad that she’s not feeling it, that’s not going to do anything to help yourself.
As Don Shula said, “Strong men blame themselves, weak men blame others.” And so, when she’s not attracted, he assumes it’s her fault and she’s not treating him well. Instead of him admitting to himself that he’s overpursuing, and he’s put her on a pedestal, and he’s kissing her ass too much, and every time she disappears for a day or two, he gets upset about it.
She went to a different state to inspect a potential job, and everything was going great before she left, but she got back and had been in town 2 days and hadn’t reached out.
Remember, dating is like tennis. You got to think of women as like cats. If the cat’s kind of bored with you and taking you for granted, what do you do? You give them less attention. But does he do that? No. He gets upset and he’s going to put her in her place and be angry at her because she hadn’t reached out.
I reached out, and she was keen to meet up. We had a couple drinks…
And so, I look at that and I go, well, she’s coming back into town and she hadn’t reached out in a couple of days. What if he’d waited two or three more days, and then she reached out, and then it’s her idea? Then, she’s pursuing you. But he never got to that point. And I talk about this in “3% Man.” There is a point between backing off too much, and pursuing too much, and finding the sweet spot. And so, what happens, as her feelings aren’t really there yet, she’s back in town, and she’s obviously not that excited about seeing him, because she didn’t even reach out and say “I missed you. I want to see you.” After nine months, that should be happening, but it wasn’t.
He can’t stand the thought that he hasn’t heard from her in two days, and so he reaches out. And that’s part of the problem. He’s afraid to step back and just let things be. And you have to do that. Women have to know that if they push you too far, you’ll walk and never look back. And so, in this particular case, instead of him going, “wow, she’s been back in town for two days and I haven’t heard from her,” he reaches out because he’s trying to gain clarity of where he stands and wants to know why she didn’t reach out for two days. But the reality is that’s just kind of needy behavior.
And so, this is just a microcosm of what’s been going on over the whole entire nine months. And after all of these interactions in the time they spent together, she can feel that, she can tell that he’ll be back no matter what. She can disrespect him, back away, act cold, and he’s going to run after it like a little puppy dog. And that’s why she treats him like a little puppy dog.
If you treat a woman like a celebrity, she’s going to treat you like a fan. And that’s what he’s doing. He doesn’t realize it, but that’s what he’s doing. And he admits in the beginning that he was needy. He’s not as needy as he was in the beginning, but he’s still needy. And that’s why she’s not head over heels in love and is considering taking a job in another state. Because remember, women don’t care how much you like them. They care about how they feel about you. And women who are head over heels in love don’t move to another state for a job.
…went back to my place and had great sex.
This is part of why you should have just done nothing when she reached back out. She’s been home for two days, going to check on another job. What does that tell you? “She’s probably not missing me very much. She’s not that into me. Maybe she’s even considering taking the job.” And so, notice what he says after the date…
She told me that she was more yes than no for leaving town…
That’s why she hadn’t reached out, because she doesn’t feel it yet, and because he couldn’t hold out. That’s still where she was when they met. And so, her saying that she’s more of a yes to leave than no shows that she’s just not that into it. It shows where she’s at in that moment.
And like I was saying, what if he’d waited? What if he’d have let just four days go by, or a week go by? I guess it was never really official, so you’re in a situationship, and you want this girl to want to be with you and be your girlfriend. And then she goes out of town to look potentially at another job, and then she’s been back for two days and you haven’t heard from her? I’d be looking at that going, “Well, I guess I’m not that important to her.”
Well, if four or five days go by, what does that tell you? She’s obviously not missing you. You’ve got to see reality as it is, not better than it is or worse than it is. And his problem is he’s seeing it better than it is. He’s projecting his high interest onto her and ignoring she ain’t feeling the same thing. And then he tries to feel her out and find out where he stands and gets upset about it.
…proceeded to talk about her plans over there, and didn’t mention me in any of it at all.
So you see, he’s getting upset about this. Getting upset about this is not going to fix it. The reason why she’s talking this way is she’s not attracted to you. And you getting upset about it causes her to lose even more attraction for you. And so, you’re getting the opposite of what you want to happen. This is what I talk about in the book, what you fear you attract, and what you look at disappears.
So, he fears losing her, and what does he do? He over pursues and he chases, and then she says, “Yeah, I’m thinking about leaving town,” and he’s getting upset about that. Your attitude as a man should be like, “Hey, if you think you can do better, then go.” Just like the Tom Petty song, “Good Love is Hard to Find.” “I don’t take you all the way, then go. If you think you can do better than me, then go. But remember, good love is hard to find.”
I then said I wanted to talk about us in this.
Notice, she’s not talking about us. So, now he’s talking about the relationship aspect, which this is feminine energy. He’s trying to find out where he stands and he’s acting like a chick, so the sexual polarity is off.
And she said, “There’s not much to say. I need time to think.”
So, he’s not giving her the time and space away to wonder about him, to miss him, to think about him. He’s all up in his feelings, acting like an insecure chick. And so, that statement, “there’s not much to say. I need time to think” is just reflective of where she’s at in the moment.
I said I understood, but she didn’t seem too keen to make a time to talk, and she walked out abruptly.
Yeah, she walked out abruptly because she doesn’t respect you, because you’re a bitch. You act like a bitch and she treats you like a bitch. It’s one of my favorite comebacks to the red pill dunces that get all upset. It’s like, “Hey, man, if you act like a bitch, women are going to treat you like a bitch. If you don’t want to be treated like a bitch by women, don’t act like it.” And this guy’s continually doing that.
The next afternoon, I felt really disrespected…
So, now he’s even more upset, and he’s going to have another talk with her.
…and treated as an afterthought and sent her a text saying that I didn’t like being treated that way, and that if she doesn’t want to choose me, I’ll find someone else that will…
Dude, this is the opposite of what the book teaches. This is a guy that’s mad, he’s all up in his feelings, and he’s thinking, getting angry at her and butt-hurt is acting masculine, and that’s going to make her go, “Oh, God, I really want to be with this guy.”
…and that I cherished our time and to call me if she ever feels differently. She responded with an empty response like, “I’m sorry you feel that way, because it’s not the case. I can’t offer you what you deserve, so all good.”
Again, he’s focused on a relationship and locking her down. And she’s saying, “I can’t give you what you want.” In other words, “I can’t make myself feel something that I’m not feeling.” Because again, he’s all up in his feelings and acting like a girl. Bad way to go, dude. You’ve been following me for I don’t know how long, you’ve only read the book five times, and you still don’t really know it. So, I’m questioning the fact of whether you’ve even actually read it five times.
Then said something really toxic about me having someone else lined up.
And probably she’s a little bit insecure herself, so that’s what she’s thinking. She’s thinking, “Oh, maybe he met somebody else. He lined up a new girl, and so he’s just going to go date her.”
I sent a message to her a few days later calling her out on her disrespectful behavior, her treating me like a doormat…
Okay, now he’s regurgitating a concept from the book, thinking that’s a line you throw at a girl. That’s just stupid.
…and that of course I wasn’t going to be there for her when she treats me with disrespect.
It’s like, Dude, you don’t deserve respect. You act like a bitch. This is not attractive.
She got extremely toxic after this, just replying with GIFS and a message saying, “What, didn’t she fuck you?” I told her this wasn’t okay, we needed time apart.
This is great. This is a great statement from her, really indicative of where she’s at and how she feels about him and her level of respect for him. And obviously taking account everything I’ve pointed out so far…
And she said I’m committed to misunderstanding her, and she doesn’t care to explain herself.
She’s just over it. She just doesn’t want to deal with it. It’s like dealing with a petulant child.
I told her I wasn’t wearing that because I’ve tried communicating on multiple occasions and she shuts it out. She then sent a long message saying she thought of me heaps while away, bought me things and that I was first on her pros list of reasons to stay, but I saw nothing of this in her actions. She barely reached out while away…
Because you act like a bitch all the time.
…and didn’t even acknowledge me in the whole situation. I called it out and said her words and actions didn’t line up. I told her I thought she was a terrible communicator and that if she cared like she said, she would have made more effort.
This is not going to fix things, dude. You’re mad, but you’re basically saying, “You don’t love me, you don’t care about me. I want my mommy!” That’s basically how you come off. Not masculine at all, dude.
She ended with, “I don’t want to do this anymore.” I offered a conversation she declined, and I basically said take care. I want to know if I did the right thing by walking away when she treated me with disrespect and as an afterthought.
Well, I wouldn’t have done that ,because you’ve been acting like a bitch since you’ve been dating her, and she knows it. And she’s tired of it, it’s just tiring. You’re acting like an insecure girl. There’s nothing masculine at all in your behavior, dude.
And by calling her out on her shitty effort and attitude. Or should I have taken it and waited on her to reach out?
That’s what I would have done. If you’re just looking at it and bottom lining her actions, it’s like, “She’s not that into me. Okay, well, I’m going to match and mirror that behavior. She’s been back in town for two days. Obviously, I’m not that important to her right now. So when she really starts to miss me and wonders what’s going on with me, she’ll reach out. And if she didn’t reach out, then she’ll probably move away and it doesn’t matter anyway,” because you’re not in a relationship anyway. As he says, it’s a situationship.
I know there’s a lot of red flags.
Well, it seems like most of them are coming from you. She might be insecure, but you’re just acting needy, and neurotic, and controlling, and like a butt-hurt little baby.
But we have absolutely everything in common. She’s 10/10 gorgeous, and we get along better than anyone I’ve ever met in my life 95% of the time, but not when were apart.
Yeah, because you come unglued every time you’re apart, and you take it as a personal rejection and you get butt-hurt. You’re like, “Mommy doesn’t care about me! Why don’t you love me?” That’s not masculine at all, dude. You’re not acting masculine. Your behavior is disgusting, and it’s repulsive to women.
I value and appreciate your time and apologize for the length of this email, but I’m falling apart losing her like this. I would really appreciate your view, Coach.
Well, you’re driving her away, dude. Your neediness and your neuroticism and your incessant need to find out where you constantly stand with this girl is completely clouding your judgment. And you’re acting like an insecure little girl instead of a man. So, at this point, what’s done is done. I would just wait to hear from her. Because you told her to get in touch if she changes her mind. Flip a coin, it could go either way.
But you reaching out to her after you’ve been acting needy and insecure for the better part of nine months is just more of you being incongruent with your word. And so, in this case, because you’ve already pulled the plug on it and you’ve already told her to get in touch if she changes her mind, then if she does get in touch, make a date, hang out, have fun, hook up. Follow what’s in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.”
But you’ve got to get your emotions in check, dude. You’ve got to get your act together. You basically have chased this girl out of your life, and you’ve repulsed her to the point where she’s literally thinking about moving away. If she was in love with you, she would have never even gone to a job interview. She wouldn’t want to do anything to potentially damage the relationship or potentially do something to risk losing you. But instead, you’re constantly acting like you are unworthy and don’t deserve her. And you treated her like a celebrity, so what happens? You get treated like a fan. This is as predictable as the sun coming up in the East and setting in the West.
So, if I were you, that’s what I would do. Part of this guy’s problem is he’s just overwhelmed with his emotions, he didn’t take the time to learn the book and really understand the principles. And so, what’s happening is he’s still acting insecure and being the way he was before he came across my work. He gets overwhelmed by his emotions, and he acts like a chick, and then it ruins a sexual polarity and she gets turned off.
I mean, she’s given him a chance. She told him early on in the email what she wanted. She was trying to help the guy and tell him what to do, but he didn’t want to listen. He just wanted to be butt-hurt and upset and all up in his feelings. And it’s like, this is not going to attract a woman to you. This this going to repulse her, and turn her off, and cause her to go, “Man, I made the right decision by moving away. I’m so glad that guy is not in my life anymore.”
Let her go, dude. If she reaches out, assume she wants to see you, make a date, hang out, have fun, hook up. You should be reading the book. And since now you’re a free agent and you weren’t really together, I’d started dating other women. Because her effort right now is not the effort of somebody that wants to lock you down. You just blew it up unnecessarily, basically because of your neediness, your insecurity and your neuroticism. It’s a bad way to go.
And if you don’t get it right with this girl, you’re going to have some problems with the next one. You’ll drive her away for exactly the same reasons. I’ll use the analogy, you’re like the monkey in the cage at the zoo that’s freaking out, throwing it’s turds and it’s jizz at the people in the zoo. People will just avoid that monkey in that cage.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.