When You Can’t Move On From Her
What you should do when you can’t move on from her and you haven’t found anyone better.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who was dating a woman late last year he really liked, but because of challenges in his business, he really didn’t feel comfortable and centered enough in himself to progress to a relationship. After three months, they were still only seeing each other once per week. He became cold towards her after a wedding they attended together, and then she broke up with him. He hasn’t heard from her since and has tried moving on.
He will see her in a few months because of work and wonders what he should do going forward. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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This email brings up a good point about how it’s so important for a man, especially if he’s going to get into a long-term relationship, that he has his mission and his purpose and his life in order. Because, as men, when we feel like we’re competent, and that we’re able to earn a good living — to earn good money, where our revenues exceed our expenses, where we’re living the life and lifestyle we want, that makes us happy and we feel balanced — we’ll be more inclined to want to get into a long-term relationship.
If you’re moving around a lot and things are unstable, you’re unsure about the future — especially the last year with all of the lockdowns and stuff, which has just wreaked havoc on anybody who is an entrepreneur or been in business, where they were forced to close or scale back their operations because they weren’t considered “an essential business.” The government said, “You can stay open and make money, and you can’t. You can become richer, and you can become poorer,” like the governments of the world, especially in the West, did.
It’s tough to navigate those things and have a relationship, because if a man doesn’t feel like he is doing well enough to even take care of himself, or his future is uncertain, he’s going to feel really uncomfortable getting into a relationship where he potentially has to take care of another person, a woman, or maybe even a family. So, it’s really super important if you’re going to be in a long-term relationship that you get your life in order. It doesn’t mean you have to be a millionaire or that you’ve got everything all figured out, but at least you’re able to earn a living and pay your bills.
Because you can’t give away what you don’t have for yourself, and if you always feel like you’re in a deficit, then it’s hard to feel like you want to expand and you want to share that with other people. Because when you’re doing well, you want to take other friends and family to lunch and dinners. You want to take a cute girl out on a date and have fun together. But if you’re struggling, then you’re going to be less inclined to do those things. So, it’s really super important to have that part of your life handled.
On top of that, this particular guy has been dating since, and he has not found anybody better. And anybody that’s gone through this, where they got dumped, they were the dumpee and not the dumper, this is something that you have to learn to deal with.
You should go where you’re celebrated and wanted, not where you are merely tolerated. This is super important, because we all do this. We all project our fantasy of what we want onto the other person, and then we ignore the fact that they’re not reciprocating. And so, it looks like there’s some of that going on in here, that she wasn’t reciprocating on the level that he wanted or expected, but he’s not really paying attention to that. He’s just sad and upset that she’s not in his life anymore. And because he was in a fearful state because of his business, it was probably hard for him to really notice that.
Viewer’s Email:
Hey Corey,
Thanks for reading my email. I dated a woman late last year who I was really into. In my small town, there’s not many single women I consider a catch but she’s smart, ambitious, beautiful and level headed.
Well, as far as you know. That’s your belief, anyway. Because, remember, people can hide who they are for about the first ninety days of a relationship.
For the first couple months I played it cool, using your advice in 3% Man, and things were going great. But after we spent a weekend out of town together at a wedding, things turned sideways. I’ll save you all the details and just say that she started to pull back after that weekend, partly because I wasn’t transitioning from the dating phase, (seeing each other once a week), to the boyfriend phase, (seeing or talking to each other multiple times a week), and on top of that I was a little distant due to uncertainty in my business.
So, he doesn’t really go into detail, but from his words here, it sounds like he didn’t transition at all. But then again, was she wanting to spend more time together? He doesn’t really say that. He says he was following everything in “3%, Man,” but if he really was, I mean, at the end of the day, as you get three, four weeks in, and especially as you start having sex and sleeping together, women are going to start calling and texting you multiple times a week. And if you’re dating for three months and you’re doing all the texting or she barely texts you, then that is indicative of the fact that her interest is not going up. Or, maybe she’s just a very structured woman.
As I talk about in the book, you want to avoid the structured women, because they’re not acting natural. They’ve got a set of rules that they’re living by. They’re not living authentically. They’re living according to this set of rules, and it makes it very hard for them to be natural. You want to be with somebody who’s just easygoing, easy to be with, not somebody who creates all of these ridiculous hoops that you’ve got to jump through. And then, once you’ve jumped through enough of them, they loosen up a little bit.
Long story short, I was cold towards her after the wedding weekend, and she broke up with me.
Maybe she was starting to pursue more, and he just kept pushing her away. I mean, at the end of the day, if his business is not doing well, as a man, your natural instinct is to kind of move away from a stable relationship, because you don’t feel stable in your own life. Again, you can’t give away what you don’t have for yourself. So, if you don’t feel stable, it’s going to be hard for you to set the tone for a stable relationship. And you are, as a man, supposed to be the leader anyway. And if you don’t feel stable, you’re not going to feel stable being the leader for the two of you.
I pursued more in an attempt to show her that she wasn’t a booty call and I really did care about her. But it was too late.
Rejection breeds obsession. And so, it wasn’t until she started pulling back and pushing him away, maybe complaining about things — because again, he doesn’t go into too much detail — the bottom line is he started pursuing her more at the end, and it didn’t matter.
She reached out about a month later and I tried setting a date, but she gave me a wishy-washy answer and I never heard from her again.
Well, the other thing is, you’ve got to bottom line her actions. If she really cared for you and really liked you and thought that you guys had enough chemistry, she would have been happy to make the date when she reached back out. But the fact that she gives a wishy-washy answer and you never heard from her probably means that there was another guy in the picture that she had some doubts about, and she’s just dangling the carrot to see if you’re still on the hook, so to speak, and you’re still interested in case it doesn’t work out with the new guy.
Because, normally, if she really misses you and is sad that it was over and felt something for you, she would have gone on a date with you. But the bottom line is she did not. So, when she reached out, she wasn’t really interested in seeing you. She was just interested in seeing if you were still interested in her. Again, usually, that’s because there’s another guy in the picture and things aren’t going well at that particular moment in time. And then, as she moves away from him, moves towards you, gets validation and attention that you still like her, it helps her be a little cockier, a little less needy, a little less smothering with the guy she was with that may have been drifting away.
And then, once he feels her drifting away, then he starts to come back more. And then, you haven’t heard from her since. It could have been an old boyfriend, you just never know. It doesn’t mean it’s the end of the story forever, because guys that are new to this, I mean, a couple of months is not a long time. But when you think of many months and many years, if you read 3%, Man, you know that women come back sometimes after many years. Sometimes they come back after many months.
If you have that open door policy, if they really admire and respect you and care about you, and then you move on and you get into a relationship with somebody else, and they move on and get into a relationship with someone as well, then at some point in the future, if it doesn’t work out, you’re oftentimes going to be the first person they reach out to. And that is something that you should take as a compliment — that even your exes think highly enough of you to want to stay in touch or to reach out to you.
This one hurt. So, I spent the next few months focusing on myself, going on dates with other women and it was really good for me. I’m much more focused, clear headed and emotionally available. So, in that sense, I’m grateful this happened. I have people trying to set me up on dates with their friends, but I just can’t get over this girl, (rejection breeds obsession, am I right?)
Yeah. It wasn’t your choice. And at the end you started pursuing her, because she probably communicated that you weren’t making enough of an effort, so you started making more of an effort, and then she still blew you off. It just tells me that after three months, she really wasn’t that into it. So, she either wasn’t available, or you just didn’t know what was in the book.
And we’re assuming here that this is a normal, healthy woman and not a fruit loop. So, assuming she’s a normal woman, and you dated her for that long, and she wasn’t head over heels in love with you, obviously, you were not following what was in the book. You were probably cherry picking, just hooking up with her, or as you said, kind of keeping her at a at a distance. So, you didn’t get too emotionally wrapped up, because you felt so uncertain about your business and your future, which is understandable. That’s a natural reaction for men.
It’s been 3 months since I’ve heard from her, and I still have trouble accepting it’s over. I want to move on, I want to accept that it’s over, it actually frustrates me that she has this effect on me.
Well, you’re into the fantasy of who you thought she was. But if you take a step back and look at the fact that you dated the woman for three months and you never saw each other more than once a week, there really wasn’t much there. And you probably only came to really care about her once she rejected you. Because, as you said, that’s when you really start putting in the effort. So, you were either not putting in the effort because you weren’t feeling it, or you weren’t putting in the effort because you just didn’t feel comfortable in your own life. And that’s something that I don’t know. You didn’t explain enough in the email here.
But I can’t help that she continues to pop into my head randomly.
Well, until you find a woman who takes your breath away and who’s easy and effortless to be with, this is the best one that has stimulated your emotions. But, again, how were you in those three months before the breakup? You were fine and content with only seeing each other once a week. So, that’s a real reflection of how you really felt. You only seemed to really care once she pulled away.
Now here’s the kicker… we’ll likely see each other in the next month or two because her firm hires me for photography and video work, and I’m not sure how to move forward. Do I continue dating women I’m not that into? Do I just focus on myself for a little while longer? Do I try to rekindle things with her?
You don’t chase after somebody who blows you off. You never do that. It sounds like you’re looking for reasons to start pursuing her, or if you bump into her, to start pursuing her. She ended the relationship unilaterally, therefore, she has to fix it. So, you should be following what’s in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.”
Now, as far as going out with women that you’re not that into, I don’t teach that. I mean, the title of the book is “Woman of Your Dreams” not “mediocre women that you’re not really that into.” It is good to spend time with women and get to know them, and practice the things that are in the book, but I wouldn’t be going out on dates with girls that you have no interest in unless you’re friendzoning them — which can be fun and interesting as well. Because, obviously, if you friendzone a girl, what’s going to happen? She’s going to try to convince you to date her.
I’m now 30 and all my friends are married with kids, buying houses, living the “dream life”, etc.
Well, that’s the public perception, but remember, the divorce rate’s over 50%. So, in the next ten years, half those friends that you think have the dream life, they’re all going to be getting divorced. And by the time they’re forty, most of them are going to be overweight and out of shape, and life will have beat them down so far, they’ll never recover to the levels that they were in their twenties. And that’s that’s the harsh reality of life. The older you get, the more you see it, and it’s sad. The people you love, that you grew up with, it’s like, life beats people down. Usually around fifty-five is where people just give up hope. They lose hope.
And I feel like a failure going to social events as the only single person.
Well, if you’re fit and in shape and you take care of yourself, I mean, I think 74–75% of Americans are either overweight or they’re obese. So, right there, you’re eliminating almost 75% of your competition just by being in better shape and looking better, looking good and feeling good. And I’ll tell you what, the older you get, to me, I love when I get around all of the high school friends I haven’t seen in awhile. One of the first things they say, “Man, you look great.” Because they’re all overweight, and bald, and they’ve let themselves go. And these are guys that were fit and in shape when we were all younger, and I look pretty damn good.
And it feels good, as you get older, because you’ll look younger as well, and younger women will find you attractive. And that’s a good thing. And then, your peers will admire you because of your ability to discipline yourself, to always take care of yourself, no matter what. That’s the one thing you have control over, is how well or how poorly you take care of your body.
I really want to do better and move on and would appreciate any advice you have for me.
Thanks,
Bob
If you do see her and you make eye contact, say it’s across the room somewhere, smile, wave, and then go about your business. She blew you off. You’re the prize. You’re the catch. You’re the fish that got away. You’re “the one that got away,” like the songs say. So, if you love and value yourself, you’re not going to go groveling to a woman who blew you off. I mean, she got in contact after a month, you tried to set a date, she gave you a wishy-washy answer. Therefore, she hasn’t earned any more of your time.
The greatest gift you can give anybody is the gift of your time. And if she blew you off instead of being excited about the prospect of spending another date with you after the breakup — she just basically ignored you and gave you a BS answer — well, why would you go out of your way to give somebody like that your time? You’re going to be polite, but you’ll have the attitude of, “Hey, you know what? She didn’t like me enough or care about me enough to make the effort the last time I heard from her, or even we were together, for that matter. Therefore, I’m not going to expend any calories to walk all the way across the room or the office to go say hello to somebody who didn’t think I was worth their time or didn’t think that it was worth their time to go and hang out on a date with me when I extended an invitation to her.”
Again, the greatest gift you can give anybody is the gift of your time, and her her actions communicate your time is worthless to her. So, if your time is worthless to her, because those are her actions, and the three months you spent together means nothing to her, you’re not going to expend any calories in her direction. You’ll smile, you’ll wave, you’ll wink at her maybe, but then you’re going to go back to talking to whoever else, ideally, talking to other beautiful women that are there.
And if she wants to come over and get your attention, then you’re happy to engage with her in conversation. I’d say, “Well, give me a call sometime. Let’s go grab a drink.” And then, obviously, if she does reach out, invite her over to make dinner at your place, just like it says in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” I still see guys that, even though I say she has to come to your house, they’re meeting girls for coffee, they’re going to lunch, they’re going on dates, they’re taking her out. I mean, at the end of the day, you’re giving them a chance to fix what they fucked up, and you’re going to do it on your terms.
That’s why you have them come to your turf. That’s why they come to your kingdom, to your castle. If they really want another chance and they really value you and they’re open to sex and intimacy again, they will come to your house to make dinner together in the evening. Women know that if you invite them over for dinner in the evening that sex is on the table. Therefore, the ones that aren’t really interested in that, or that aren’t sure, or that are testing your purpose will try to get you to go against that — to go with the coffee date, or the lunch date, or to pick them up and go on a date. It’s like, they have to earn that, and they haven’t earned that.
She rejected you, so if she wants to earn more time with you, you’re happy to expend some calories to go from wherever you are in your house to your front door to let her in, but that’s it. You’re not going to do any more than that. That’s why you’re not going to walk across the office to go talk to her or say hello. But if she comes over to you to seek your attention and validation, you’re like, “Hey, how have you been?”
And as she’s talking to you, and she’s playing with her hair and touching your arm, you should say, “Well, you should give me a call sometime,” or “We should get together and make dinner at my place and catch up.” Try to make a date right there on the spot. See if she does it. If she comes over to you and you see all the signs that she’s interested, and she goes, “Oh, well, I’m seeing somebody,” say, “Hey, well, it was great seeing you. If it doesn’t work out, get in touch. And if I’m still single and not attached, then maybe we can get together and have that drink or make that dinner. Have a nice day.”
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book coaching session with yours truly.
“In all of our relationships, the best ones are where we get mutual effort from those we love and care about. Relationships become unhealthy and unbalanced when only one person is making the effort or most of the effort. People who truly care for you will make the effort to keep you in their lives as much as you make the effort to keep them in your life. The quickest way to get someone else’s attention is to remove yours. If you never hear from them, then you know where you stand. Go where you’re celebrated and wanted, not where you are merely tolerated.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
