When To Walk Away & When To Open Her Up
How to know when to walk away and never look back and when to open her up through communication.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss 3 different emails from 3 different viewers. The first email is from a viewer who had 4 dates and then walked away by mistake instead of communicating properly. The 2nd email is from a viewer who has been dating a girl for 6 months, but felt disrespected on his birthday when she was sick, and he wonders if he should walk away.
The 3rd email is from a guy who is now long distance from his girlfriend after living together for several years. They broke up because she didn’t want to move back after moving back home for a job. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.
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These are really good emails because, just like you’ve probably heard me say before, when a woman feels heard and understood, the legs open, and when she doesn’t, the legs close. And in the first email here, the guy went on four dates and he’s expecting her to do all of the chasing now. And he hasn’t talked to her in many weeks, so obviously, he screwed up.
One of the things he did that kind of cracked me up is he took something that was in the book, 3% Man, and used it as a line or a platitude, as a response, and it’s just not appropriate. It comes across bad. And that tells me that the guy doesn’t really understand the philosophy. He’s just regurgitating things he memorized from the book, which is not how you want to go about it. The idea is to understand the philosophy so you can respond to her, and you can tell he’s still in reactionary mode.
First Viewer’s Email:
I’ve been following you for 2 years and am on my 9th read of your book. I met a girl who approached me at my work, (where I get hit on multiple times a night), and she texted me that same night. I responded in the morning and told her I’d call her the next day, (had a date that night with a different girl). I called her the next day and wasn’t available the nights she had open that week, so I told her I’d call her the next week and see if we were both free then.
So far, so good.
She called me before I had the chance to reach out the following week and I set up a date.
And so, that right there is why you do one date a week, because you’re trying to create the conditions to where if she really likes you, she’ll start reaching out. And that’s what you want, because if a woman is chasing you, that’s the best place to be. Women are naturally inclined to do this with guys they feel safe and comfortable with. They don’t do it just for any dude. They do it for a guy that they can feel his strength.
And so, he’s busy, she’s busy and their times aren’t really lining up. You could tell she really likes him and that’s why you do one date per week. You only reach out once a week. You’re trying to facilitate this. And this girl is doing this right away. They haven’t gone out yet and she’s pursuing him, so that’s a good thing.
Things went pretty much textbook at first, (the first 2 dates I called after a few days, and after the 3rd she reached out first).
So far, so good.
Also, I should mention that I have been dating a lot and can tell that this girl comes from a good family and has high confidence. After the 3rd date, I called her a few days after she texted me and found out that I forgot her birthday when she told me twice previously, (her birthday was in between the time that she texted me and when I told her I would be able to talk).
I address this in the book. It’s like, these are important things. That’s the kind of thing that makes a girl go, “He’s not listening to me. I told you my birthday was coming up,” and he completely forgot. A guy that forgets doesn’t really give a damn. If she comes from a good family, it might create a problem. If she comes from a broken family, it might actually cause her to be more attracted to you.
But the point being is, if you like the girl and you want to date her, you can at least wish her a happy birthday on your next date. But to be prompt and say, “Hey, you forgot my birthday,” and, “I told you twice,” that’s the kind of thing that makes you go, “He’s not listening. He doesn’t care.” Because if she comes from a good family, Dad cares, Dad takes the time. So, girls that are used to that, when you don’t do those things, it shows you don’t care. Versus a girl with some daddy issues, she’ll be more attracted to you.
I kneejerk reacted by telling her I would take her to get her favorite meal, which was really expensive.
I wouldn’t have done that. You haven’t even slept with the girl yet.
I didn’t fall all over myself apologizing on the date and was my usual confident self, but I feel like the date came off as an apology dinner, basically.
That’s his assumption. I don’t agree with his assumption. It’s like he’s just too robotic. It’s like, easygoing, easy to get along with. The stuff that’s in the book is not etched in stone and you can’t ever violate it. The idea is it’s general guidelines. The more you implement the guidelines, the more successful you’re going to be. The more you act like a robot, the more she’s going to go, “This guy’s kind of weird and something’s off.”
Also, on the call before the date, she tried to bring up exes and I said, “You’re not about to make me your therapist.”
What the hell are you thinking saying something like that, dude? This is something that’s in the book that’s instructing you. So, what that reference is, because a lot of guys get caught up on the phone, talking all of the time, but not spending time in person. And then she wants to tell him about the guy she’s dating that’s not going well, or this or that. Or she’s upset at her boyfriend, and he’s always on the phone listening to her, instead of going out on dates. So, it doesn’t apply.
He says he’s read the book nine times in two years. It doesn’t sound like he has. Maybe he has kind of thumbed through it a few times or listened to it as background noise when he was working out, or driving his car, or cleaning up his house. You have to be focused if you want to commit this stuff to memory and really learn it. But to just take something that is explaining something to you and throwing it at a girl thinking, “Oh, this is a great line. Ha-ha, I got you! I’m not going to be your therapist,” that’s just stupid.
On the date, she brought that up and she said I “shut her down.”
Remember, when a woman feels heard and understood, the legs open When she doesn’t, the legs close. And so, if she started to talk about her ex-boyfriend, again, the phone’s for setting dates, so you shouldn’t be getting into these long, drawn out conversations about exes and other things. You should be doing this on a date. You should say, “You know what, let’s get together and talk about it over dinner. I’d love to hear more about it then.” That’s the way to handle it. You don’t go, “You’re not about to make me your therapist.” God, that’s just stupid.
I did an email a couple of weeks ago. It was a guy I had a phone session with. He was doing the same thing. He was taking things from the book that he kind of vaguely remembered and throwing it at her like it was a line to use. I was like, “Come on, dude.” It’s an explanation of something that you don’t want to end up becoming. And then you you use it as a line? She’s going to look at you like, what? Therapist? What?
She said some good things on the date like, “If things were to get serious…” and “I’m comfortable with you, I hope you are with me?” but I could tell there was an attraction drop from her body language.
Probably because she didn’t feel heard and understood. Remember, when a woman feels heard and understood, the legs open, and when she doesn’t, the legs close. You forgot her birthday when she told you multiple times about it, so that tells me that you weren’t listening. And she noticed you weren’t listening. And then once again, when you say, “Hey, you’re not about to make me your therapist,” and she says, “I felt shut down,” that tells me she doesn’t feel heard and understood. Bad way to go, dude.
So, you’ve made her feel like you didn’t give a damn. Because remember, this is a girl, like you said, who grew up in a good family. And so, if she’s upset or something’s wrong, Dad’s going to take the time to find out what’s going on.
When I didn’t hear from her afterwards, I decided to never reach out, because it felt disrespectful that I took her to an expensive dinner and heard nothing afterwards.
“I spent money on you, and I got nothing. You’re out!” This girl seemed to really like you, dude.
It has been 4 weeks of no contact and I’m prepared to never speak to her again, (unless you advise otherwise), but my question is: How do you make a girl feel heard and understood in the dating phase if you forget something, because apologizing looks approval seeking?
Well, you should actually listen to what she’s saying. That tells me maybe you’re on a date with somebody you’re not that into and you’re just thinking about banging her. And so, you really didn’t care about the little things. And like I said, if you’re dating a girl that comes from a good, healthy family and you forget little things like that, it communicates you don’t care. And then when you shut her down and tell her “you’re not going to make me into your therapist,” you sound like an idiot.
Also, I can’t exactly tell if it was because I didn’t make her feel heard and understood.
Well, you already you said you noticed when you got to this, things were different. It was off.
Or if it was because the apology dinner looked weak.
It had nothing to do with the apology looking weak. Maybe you’ve been spending some time in the red pill community, having them rot your brain with nonsense from incels.
I know I could’ve reached out after a week, but I think, based on the questions she asked on the date, her attraction is still high enough that she’ll eventually reach out, and I’d prefer that 4 dates in, she chase and not me. I’m curious as to what you would do?
Well, you went out with her on four dates. It doesn’t sound like much really happened, physically. He didn’t explain anything. But, again, the idea of what’s in the book, it’s like he’s trying to say, “Oh, it’s been four dates, she doesn’t chase. Okay, that’s it. I’m never calling again.” Well, you messed up on the last date you went on, number one. And she feels like you don’t care. Now, it’s been four weeks, she probably really feels like you don’t care.
So, if it was me, I would call her up, ask her out. And if she’s mad, just say, “Sorry, I got jammed up and busy, and I’m terrible person. I’ll make it up to you, take you to your favorite place. Maybe… if you’re a good girl.” But you can’t say stuff like this, dude. I mean, that’s just dumb. “You’re not about to make me your therapist,” like, what the hell are you thinking? Bad way to go.
But I would get in touch with her, because you screwed up, man. Especially if this girl comes from a good family and you’re just treating her like a girl who you’re trying to get into her pants, it’s not going to work, man. You’ve got to follow what’s in the book, dude, not act like a robot. “You’re not gonna make me into your therapist. I got you! Sick burn!” Bad way to go.
Second Viewer’s Email:
I have been dating this girl for 6 months. Up until about a month ago, things have been great between us. She would text me “Good Morning” and “Good Night” every day, and wanted to spend lots of time with me. About 3.5–4 months in, I asked her to be my girlfriend…
He’s new. This was before he found my work.
…and told her I loved her, and she said she wasn’t ready and was “scared of getting hurt and hurting me.”
The reason she was scared of hurting you is because she could tell your way more into her than she is into you.
This was before I found your work, and I know I should not have asked that. I haven’t asked for a relationship since. She actually seemed to be more interested in me and pursued me more after asking her for a while, which was weird. We would hang out multiple times a week, she would call me “her love,” “baby,” all the pet names. It really seemed like we were in a serious relationship without the label. Looking back through time, I can see some times where I acted less masculine than I should have.
And that’s why she never brought up getting serious again. Obviously, he now has the book and can kind of see what he did wrong, but what’s done is done.
I wasn’t a total pushover, but I think it started adding up the more I cared about her.
Yeah, you’ve got to be more masculine than she is. You’ve got to be the kind of guy that she respects, she admires, she looks up to you, and that she would feel safe trusting your leadership to lead her and your family. But when you make her the man, it’s going to make her pussy drier than the Sahara Desert. Like the crypt keeper down there, cobwebs, dust.
A little over a month ago, we had indefinite plans to hang out one night. (I know now, bad).
So, he didn’t make a definite date.
I hadn’t heard from her, so I texted her around 10:30 pm and she was out with friends. I should have left it. I called her the next day, and we hung out and I spent the night. The next day she was ice cold. This was when it all went downhill. She hardly even gave me a goodbye that morning. She stopped texting me. I set a date that week, and she was cold, but thanks to your work I warmed her up and got her feeling good around me.
Well, it sounds like, unlike the first emailer, you made her feel heard and understood so she warmed up.
She stayed the night and the next morning was incredibly loving. She texted me that next week, telling me she misses me and wanted to see me twice, and we hung out twice. Next week, I called her on Monday, and set a date for Thursday. She texted me early that morning saying she was really sick, and we shouldn’t hang that night. I told her no worries, I hope she feels better soon. I called her Monday to check on her, and I could hear how sick she was through the phone. I told her to call me when she wants to get together, and she said she would.
Yesterday was my birthday.
Happy birthday, dude.
She texted me “Good morning! Happy birthday! Hope your day is great :)” I asked how she was feeling, and she said she was still a little sick, then she asked about my plans for the day. I told her I was going out with some friends and invited her to come.
Well, she’s not your girlfriend. You shouldn’t be doing group dates. I would be saying, “You know what, I’ve got plans with friends, but when you get better, I’d love to just do dinner, one on one with you and me. We can catch up, play hide of salami.”
She told me she “Might stop by for a little.” I then tried to do a takeaway, like an idiot, and then being a little baby, texted her that I did hope to see her that night.
“Please, Your Highness, please come see me. Ooh, it’s my birthday!”
No response all day, still haven’t heard from her. She ghosted me on my birthday.
Because you acted like a mangina. If you act like a mangina, what happens? You get the Sahara desert, and cobwebs, and dust, and creaky floors like a haunted house down there.
Coach, I am going to give her the gift of permanently missing me, unless I hear from her and she makes up for leaving me on read on my birthday. I really like this girl, but I realize there should be no more pursuing from me.
Well, you’ve overpursued too much and you’ve acted soft a lot. That’s why her interest goes up and down. You’re inconsistently masculine. So, as you vacillate, her interest vacillates.
I would like your thoughts on my situation, I’d like to get her back, but I am not in the ass kissing business and won’t continue to pursue someone who treats me like I don’t matter anymore.
Well, the way she’s treating you is a reflection of how you were showing up, dude. As you said yourself, you’ve consistently not acted masculine. And if you were paying attention, you would notice after all this time, six months and she still hasn’t asked to be your girlfriend. And when you are begging her to pay attention to you on your birthday, that’s not masculine. She’s not going to make that dude her boyfriend when you behave that way. That’s just not going to work. You’re acting like, “Mommy. Mommy, Did I do a good job? Will you pat me in the head? Ohh, Mommy loves me.” Bad way to go, dude.
So, in this case I wouldn’t do anything, because she left you on read, which is fine. Just wait to hear from her. Remember, it’s kind of like the kitty cat. You acted like a pusswah, and so the pusswah got bored and left. And so, I’d just wait to hear from her. And then when you do, make the next date, hang out, have fun, hook up. And it’s obvious that you need to back off a little bit more, because you’re still overpursuing, you’re still pedestalizing this girl. That’s why you’re stuck in limbo land.
Third Viewer’s Email:
I have been a follower for 6 years, and 4 years ago I found what I thought to be the love of my life. Everything was always easy with her. Having 3% Man engraved to my core transformed my life, and I was able to experience a loving relationship. However, as you would expect, I am writing because we broke up. I will try to summarize.
She is British, and I am Brazilian.
Well, Brazilians are supposed to do it better. Well, that’s what I keep hearing. I don’t know after Giselle and Tom. It’s like, man, it was pretty cold of her to to dip out on him in the middle of the season. She could have waited until the end of the season.
We both lived in Spain. After 3 years of a strong relationship, living together, etc., she was not happy with her job, afraid of her career in Spain, and missing her family due to COVID.
Well, here’s what I know; women that are in love don’t move out of their boyfriend’s house to go back home and live with parents and get a job there. It just shows that her interest had dropped. So, somewhere along the way, her perception of you changed.
She thought she would have better opportunities back in UK and wanted to be closer to her family.
That just tells me her interest had dropped. Because if a woman’s head over heels in love with you, she’ll disown her family, she’ll disown her kids. But when she’s moving back for a job, she’d rather have a job than you? What does that tell you? Her interest is pretty low.
I tried to help her finding another job here in Spain, however she found something more promising there.
What does that tell me? She didn’t really want a job in Spain. She just wanted to leave. That’s what really happened.
I told her I was not considering moving to UK at that time, only in 5 years. I did not want to have a distance relationship unless we had an actual plan. I understood her reasoning, and although it broke my heart having her moving to UK, we both decided that it was going to last 1 year.
You were hoping it was going to last one year. She probably begrudgingly agreed to it. Again, women don’t move away from guys they’re in love with. They move away from guys when they’re slowly trying to scurry off the stage, trying to ride off into the sunset without you noticing.
She would get experience and be able to get a better position in Spain after 1 year.
She’s not going to leave the man she loves to go get experience in a job. She moved away because she was no longer feeling it. That’s that’s the harsh reality. I know you don’t want to hear it.
I knew that she would eventually excel at her job and moving back would be hard. Nevertheless, I supported her decision and believed in the plan.
I would have been like, “I don’t want you to move.” It’s like, “What are you talking about? If you’re moving away, instead of us growing closer together, we’re growing further apart.” I had a similar situation with my English girlfriend back in the day. I had just started a new business. I was not interested in getting married at that time. I didn’t know whether I was coming or going or how long was it going to take. I figured, “Six months, a year or two, maybe, and I’ll be right back to where I was.” I had no idea the ordeal I was in for.
She wanted to become a chiropractor, and I couldn’t have afforded to pay for both of us with her not being able to work. And plus, we were doing long distance. We’d been dating for a couple of years at that point. And if I was only going to be able to see her during summer break for a few weeks a year, I just said, “I want to date other people. I don’t want to do long distance for the next seven years while you’re in college.” That’s just life.
And you know, we were looking at her going to school over here, and then obviously I’d have to get married and all that. I’m like, “Man, I just liquidated everything, and I started this brand new business.” Me getting married? And it was literally, exactly a decade later that I was in the same position that I had been with my ex-wife. Literally down to the month, where I was thinking about moving to Orlando at the time. And my ex wife was like, “Well, I’ll only move up there if we’re engaged.” And then obviously, if you read the book, you know that whole story.
But there I was ten years later, faced with a similar situation with somebody I really loved. It was the best relationship I’d ever had at the time, but it just didn’t feel right. I didn’t want to get married. I didn’t want to be pressured. And it was the right decision at the time, looking back on it. It was hard, it sucked, it wasn’t fun. It’s not fun to break up with somebody that you get along great with, but that’s life.
After 10 months, I started pushing her to start looking for positions in Spain and saw she was hesitating.
Yeah. Again, that tells me you’re way more into her than she is into you, and that’s what you’ve been ignoring this whole time.
From the way things were playing out, I knew what I was going to have to do. As you say, the strongest negotiation position is being able to walk away and meant it. Being in a distance relationship and traveling a lot of time helped the relationship being good, but not enough for her to quit her job and look for something here.
She wasn’t feeling it.
I supported her and only wanted her moving back once she found something she really enjoyed. However, after a couple of months, she eventually said she does not want to quit her job and offered me to keep being in a distance relationship.
Her job is more important than you, simple as that. That shows you everything about her true interest. So, whatever happened along the way, her interest had dropped. She wasn’t feeling it, or her career is more important. That tells me she was probably also in her masculine to make up for the fact that you weren’t. All I have to do is look at her actions.
“Corey, it’s always it’s always the guy’s fault!” Well, the guys are ones writing me. The woman is not writing me. So, the guy asked me to critique what he’s doing, and that’s what I’m doing. If you don’t like it, there are 51 million other YouTube channels you can follow.
Knowing 3% Man, I knew what had to be done. We tried to find a solution, but eventually we preferred to break up. She wanted distance relationship or even a break.
There you go. She didn’t really want to be in a relationship with you, but she didn’t have the guts to break it off.
But this is not what I accepted in the beginning, thus we had to break up, though it could be argued it was her that broke up the relationship.
Yep. For whatever reason, she lost interest and moved away. That’s what really happened. I know it stings to hear that, but if I just bottom line her actions, she wasn’t feeling it anymore, so she moved home. That’s what really happened. But she didn’t have the heart to let you go. And her interest probably did creep back up once it was long distance, because you weren’t spending so much time together anymore.
I expressed my disappointment, and she knows I love her and wanted to build a family.
Obviously, she didn’t care about building a family with you. You should pay attention to that.
And within some years move to UK, (although I did not promise to live there for there for the rest of my life If I was not happy), and told her if she wanted to consider moving back to give me a call. I could plan to move earlier to UK.
It’s like, dude, you made this girl the man in the relationship.
But now I fell she is the one who needs to keep her word. I am devastated but trying to stay strong from your teaching. I need to be the rock, but I’m scared of losing her.
Bro, she left a long time ago.
I am in no contact, (1 month). What are your thoughts? Did I fail with 3% Man, or it is life?
Well, somewhere along the way, she fell out of love with you. And that’s assuming she was in love with you. But the bottom line is, women don’t move away from guys they’re in love with. They move away from guys when they’re not feeling it. And the more she was there, the more she knew what was going to happen. She knew you were going to break it off anyway. And that’s what most women will do — make things bad enough, hoping that the guy will break it off. And that’s basically what happened. He got tired of it and he says, “I’m out.” And that’s what she really wanted.
And you may hear from her again, you may not. But either way, if I was you, I’d get back into the book and figure out what the hell went wrong in the courtship, what happened when you guys were living together. Because, again, she did not feel the same way when she moved out than she did when she moved in. Instead of getting closer together, you guys grew apart when you were living together. I don’t know what happened, because there’s not enough in the email to tell me. But if I look at her actions and bottom line her actions, it’s like she fell out of love and wanted to move away, but she wanted to keep you around.
She didn’t want to break it off completely. She was monkey branching. She was holding on to that monkey branch and reluctant to let go, because of the security point. You guys lived together. Plus, she probably felt bad, because you were the one talking about a family and a future. And never once in the email does it mention that she ever mentioned any of that stuff. So, that just tells me you probably pedestalized this girl. You made her the man in the relationship. She did all of the leading, and you did the following. And that’s just the bottom line.
So you’ve got to figure out where you went wrong. And I’m assuming that she was in love with you at some point. Again, I don’t know, because there’s no details in here. But the bottom line is that ship sailed a long time ago. I’d never call her or text her again for any reason. If she is interested in seeing you, she’s got to move back. She’s got to want to live there. I wouldn’t give her a chance. I wouldn’t go see her. I wouldn’t do anything, no way. She broke it off, it was her choice. But you’ve got to figure out what you did wrong, because if you don’t, the next time you end up living with a girl, she’ll leave you for the same reasons. It’s the harsh reality.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.