What it means and what you should do when she says, “I need space because I don’t think I’m ready.”
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a 30-year-old viewer who started seeing his best friend’s younger sister. They didn’t tell her brother they were dating. He says he became attached after they started sleeping together and he started acting needy. Her brother finds out, and she started responding to him less and less. Then she tells him it’s not a good idea to keep the plans they had to spend time together with her sisters.
She told him she didn’t think she was ready for anything and needed space, despite the fact she came on really strong to him in the beginning and a few weeks earlier she told him she wanted to work towards something. He has been in no contact for 5 days now and is totally confused. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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He’s obviously going crazy. You can understand the situation he’s in. I think every guy has had a good friend growing up that they know that had a hot sister that was kind of sweet on them. Some guys got to take advantage of that, some guys did not. But this guy had the opportunity, and it looks like he fumbled the football. But because the social group is so close, what it really looks like is he chased her out of his life. She got turned off. And so, more than likely, if I’m a betting man, I would say she’s probably going to come back at some point. Just based on the behavior, I don’t see her just disappearing forever. It’s not like he’s a total stranger.
I have been seeing this girl for a couple of months now. She is my best friend’s younger sister. I know, yikes.
Well, it’s not all bad. If you guys are tight and she likes you, I mean, like attracts like. This is how a lot of people meet their significant others, through their peer group, their social group. People who like the same things tend to like each other. Obviously, it’s his best friend and his sister is going to be similar to his best friend, because they’re family, similar goals, similar values usually. So, it totally makes sense why something like this would happen.
I am 30 and she is 23. She is generally a shy girl, but at my best friend’s wedding she came on to me REALLY STRONG!
Weddings are always a great to meet women, a great place to hook up. Weddings can be lots of fun. Everybody’s happy, “Oh, look at the lovebirds. They’re so cute.”
We started seeing each other behind her brother’s back, and she would always get emotional telling me she wants to work towards something, and I was reluctant at first…
It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. And so, she’s pushing for this. And this is the best place to be in, because she’s the pursuer, she’s the chaser. And this is how women naturally are. When you look at the older movies, this is how they all behave. I’m talking about movies from 50, 60, 70 years ago, not the garbage that we we have today.
…until about the end after we had ‘done the dirty’ a few times and I really got attached.
Yeah, that’s where you went sideways, bro.
I know I might have become a bit needy in the end, because she started responding to me less and less.
Well, there’s a chapter in “3% Man” where I talk about that. Women are like cats; they come and they go. You can’t get upset or butt hurt about it. A woman’s feelings fluctuate, just like Mother Nature fluctuates. The weather is never the same. So, as a man, you can’t get caught up in it either way. You just look at it and go, “Okay. Well, we spent a lot of time together. She’s not as into me as she was a few days ago, so I’ll just let her be. I’ll wait to hear from her until she misses me.” You want to kind of match and mirror the actions. This is why it’s so important to pay attention to what she’s doing and what she’s saying.
I was supposed to go to a waterpark with her and her sisters. On the last day before I was supposed to go with her, she said, “I don’t think this is a good idea.”
At that point, because he’s needy, because he’s pursuing, he’s trying to force things along, instead of letting her come to him like he was in the beginning, she’s starting to feel smothered. And remember the Thich Nhat Hanh quote, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” And so, she wasn’t feeling free anymore.
And on top of that, you’ll see in a second, her brother finds out. Women don’t want a guy that’s going to complicate their life, and this is starting to get complicated. Because he’s pursuing, her feelings are going from really hot and into him, to her attraction dropping. And most women don’t understand what’s going on and why that’s happening. All they know is they don’t feel the same way. That’s the important thing.
Women don’t care about how much you like them. They only care about how they feel about you. She was feeling really into him, and now she’s feeling like she wants to get away from him, because he’s acting needy and clingy. He went from this strong, masculine guy — the ultimate bachelor, if you will, her brother’s best friend, who she’s probably always had a crush on for a long time — and now she gets with him, and what happens? The roles reverse, the sexual polarity reverses, and he starts acting like a chick.
He goes from being confident and the guy she’s got to pursue and win over, to the guy who’s like putty in her hand. And just like that, her interest drops. And women typically don’t understand that. They just know that something has changed. The spark is not there, as they often will say. It’s just because you’re trying too hard, you’re doing too much.
You’ve got to read the book, dude. You have to read it. If you want to make sure you get this girl and you don’t chase her back out of your life, you’ve got to learn the ebb and flow and the balance between pursuing too much and not pursuing enough. And it’s obvious you pursued too much, to where her interest dropped.
And then, instead of you becoming a blessing and a guy she’s excited to tell everybody about, now you’re acting like the creepy, weird dudes that have created problems for her in the past. Because every girl has come across those. If you guys watch the podcasts that I do with the girls, we talk about this often; how quickly women go from being really into the dude to, “Whoa, slow your roll, bro.”
Her brother had found out, but I feel like there is a genuine loss of attraction here.
You are correct. All you have to do is look at her actions.
I told her to be straight up with me, so I can just move on with my life, but she just said, “I just needed space.”
So, the fact that he asks her, “Be straight up with me just so I can move on my life, ” is you needing attention and validation from her, you needing to know where you stand. And as a man, you shouldn’t care either way. Love is about giving. When she’s near you, you love her. And when she’s away from you, you’re excited because you can do other things with your life, and you can hang with other people.
She’s not the only thing you got going on in your life. As a matter of fact, you’re kind of glad that you got a little bit of space. Maybe you can catch up on things, catch up with some friends, go see your mom, tell her you love her. Those kinds of things. And so, just the fact she’s saying “I need space,” it’s like you were smothering her. The roles were completely reversed.
As I talk about in the book, the guy should never do more than 20–30% of the pursuing, especially if you’re getting needy and you’re getting impatient with the texting if she’s taking longer to reply. She could tell that you’re getting upset at how she texts or contacts you. You can’t do that. That’s just totally unattractive and will turn any woman off.
So, I cut contact with her for three days, and she eventually messaged me just asking how I was doing and stuff, and I just responded casually with small humor, then she stopped responding AGAIN! She is not very active on social media to begin with, but man, this hurts.
Dude, I feel your pain. I know exactly what you’re thinking and what you’re feeling. But as the book says, if she reaches out, you should assume she wants to see you. And so, you shouldn’t be looking at this like, “It’s the end of the relationship. It’s over!” It’s just, “Hey, I came on too strong, I pursued too much. I came off as needy, and it turned her off. And so, she needs space, so I’ll just let her be. When she misses me, she’ll contact me.”
What you should have done when she reached out was like, “Hey, babe. I’d love to see you. When are you free to get together?” And then make the next date? That’s it. Don’t worry about the relationship, or where you stand, or any of that. It’s totally unnecessary and it’s counterproductive. But he didn’t do that, so I look at it as kind of like a missed opportunity.
But the bottom line is dating is like tennis. So, he’s having this conversation with her, and she just stops responding again. And he puts ‘again’ in big capital letters and with exclamation point, so he’s bothered by that. And you can’t be perturbed by this. You’ve just got to understand, “Hey, the kitty cat came and looked in the room, was like, “Hey, what’s up?” and then took off. The kitty cat didn’t want to come and sit in your lap yet. Don’t get butt hurt. Don’t be like, “The damn cat didn’t come sit in my lap again! I’m mad!” You can’t do that. You can’t be that way. Just be like, “Hey, kitty cat!” It’s part of the game.
Three days later she said this: “I’m sorry for cutting you out so fast. I just don’t think I was ready and didn’t know how to talk about it. I also get the feeling you weren’t ready either.”
The reason she’s saying “you weren’t ready either,” in other words, you couldn’t handle it. You couldn’t handle the chocha! It was too good! He got a little taste of the chocha and it didn’t go well.
I just told her it was fine, and she can hit me up whenever she wants to talk, and I have been waiting for five days now with NO CONTACT. I am trying to give her space until she wants to message me.
You don’t try to give her space, you give her space. Remember, well, I don’t think you read the book yet, but the woman should be the one trying to lock you down. This is what women naturally, instinctively do. In the old movies, that’s just always the archetype. This was well known back in the day before all this feminist crap came along and screwed up the sexual polarity between men and women. And so, if you’re not interested in being locked down or focusing on locking a woman down, you’re just interested in creating the next opportunity for sex to happen, then, when you don’t hear from her, you should be totally cool with it.
Bro, please tell me if u know what is going on here. Are we just done?
Dude, she’s still reaching out to you. Remember, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. She says, “I need space.” When woman says “I need space,” that means “you’re pursuing me too much, to the point where you’re coming off like a creep and kind of stalkerish.” And so, that ruins the sexual polarity and causes her to become unsure about her feelings.
The best thing to do in that situation, think of it this way, when the weather is nice and sunny, it’s nice to go out and walk around, holding hands with your girl. But if it’s raining and storming, you’re going to be inside. And so, right now you should think of it like it’s raining and storming. She’s at her place, you’re at your place, and you should be doing other things. And when the weather clears up, she’ll probably be in touch.
I know what your mindset is; you’re obsessing over where you stand. A guy that obsesses over where he stands is worried about a relationship. That’s not masculine energy. Men are interested in creating an opportunity for sex to happen. Feminine energy is about bonding, connecting, opening up to receive love, relationships, dating labels, commitment, all of those kinds of things. That’s just not your wheelhouse.
Your wheelhouse, as a man, is to create the opportunity for sex to happen. Because if you noticed in the beginning she said, “I want to work towards something,” that was true. That’s what she was feeling in that moment. She was feeling really attracted to you, and she was hoping it would work out. But what happened was, you basically couldn’t handle it. You couldn’t handle her secret world without losing it.
You went from being a confident guy to being a beta male who acted like he was unworthy. And so, it caused her feelings to get all squirrelly, because she had this fantasy and it was evolving nicely. And because you became impatient and you became needy, you pursued too much, you’re constantly focused on where you stand with her, you’re not acting like the guy that she envisioned that you were. And so, correctly, she got turned off because you’re acting like you don’t deserve her.
You should be acting like, “Of course she’s going to want to be with me. Of course she’s going to come back. Her brother is my best friend. I’ve known her since we were kids. Of course she’ll be back.” You’re not some stranger, dude. And plus, you’ve been hooking up with her, so you do have some emotional bonding that has happened there on her part.
And so, what I would do going forward is I’d let her do 100% of the pursuing and just wait to hear from her. And then when you do, assume she wants to see you and make a date. If she says, “I’m not ready for a relationship,” just say, “That’s cool. Let’s take our time. We don’t need to be in a rush.” It’s like, “Let’s casually hang out. We’ll keep it on the down low between you and I. And when you feel you’re ready and you want something more, you can tell me. You can be the one to announce to people if we get to that point.” It’s like, “Let’s just take our time and enjoy each other.” That’s all you have to do. It’s very simple. Wait to hear from her. The next time you do, assume she wants to see you and make a date. This is really easy to do.
But in the meantime, you need to read the book, dude. You need to learn the fundamentals, because you’re doing a lot of sloppy things and you’re turning this girl off totally unnecessarily. You’ve got to participate in your own rescue, so you need to be utilizing this time away from her, where you’re wondering about her, to read the book and fill in the blanks. Because the book will calm you down. You’ll start to see the patterns, the things I’ve been talking about in this video, and you’ll go, “Oh, now it makes sense.” You got to read it 10 to 15 times, dude. You’ve got to participate in your own rescue.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, maybe you’ve got something similar going on in your own life and it’s driving you up the wall, because I know how those emotions can be when you’re in this situation. Like five days have gone by and he’s like, “Am I going to hear from her again?” It’s torture. Rejection breeds obsession. It doesn’t feel good. So, go to my website, UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.