When Is Contact With An Ex A Red Flag?
How to know when contact with her ex is a red flag with a woman you are dating.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss 2 different emails from 2 different viewers. The 1st email is from a viewer who has been seeing a woman for 3 months now. About a month ago he stopped seeing her and gave her an ultimatum to either become a Christian and adopt his religion, or they couldn’t see each other anymore. Her ex offered to teach her about Christianity.
The 2nd email is from a guy who has been dating a woman for 2 months who continues to be in contact with other men and lies about it. She has apologized, but she also likes to flirt a lot with other men when they are out in public. He is unsure if he can trust her because of the lies and continued disloyal behavior and her inviting attention for other men. She says she doesn’t know why she does it. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of their emails.
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Hi, I’m coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be, When Is Contact With An Ex A Red Flag?
Well, I’ve got two different emails I’m going to go through with you today. First one is from a guy who’s a very religious Christian, and he’s been dating this girl for about three months. However, about two weeks ago, she’s not Christian by the way. He basically gave her probably going back like a month. He told her that, hey, if we’re going to continue to date and we’re going to have a future together long term potentially, you’re going to have to convert to my religion, basically.
And so about two weeks later, she’s looking into it and studying it. I mean, they’ve only been dating for a couple of months, so that’s a pretty big ask if you’re dating somebody for two months, especially if she’s not head over heels in love with you and then telling her that she’s going to have to convert or else, basically. And then about two weeks after that, he says, well, we should not contact each other, so you’re not influenced by my opinions on the religion.
And so what happens is she says, hey, my ex-boyfriend is a Christian and he’s offered to teach me about Christianity, are you cool with that? And so he’s upset about this, but he basically broke things off with her because she’s not a Christian and doesn’t want to see her again, in essence, until she decides to convert. So it’s kind of, I would not have gone about it the way that this dude has gone about it, but we’ll get into some of the other things that are going on in a minute.
And then I got another email from a guy who is dating a woman only for about two months they’ve been exclusive. But it’s clear she flirts with other guys when they’re out in public. She’s got another guy she was talking to around the same time that she met this guy. And then after they started dating and became exclusive, she continued dating this or talking to this other guy, and she lied about it and she lied about a bunch of other things.
And so there’s exes in the background, there’s male orbiters, and just when she’s out in public, she’s always inviting attention from other men. And so she sends this apology, which I’ve got the text exchange. It sounds nice and genuine, but we’re left with what her actions are. And the fact is, is that she’s displayed a lot of disloyal behavior just in the two months that they’ve been dating.
And on top of that, she’s lied a bunch of times and gotten caught. And it’s pretty funny. I mean, when you look through the apology and she’s just kind of like, I don’t know why I did it, so this should be these will be good. So there’s a couple wrinkles here. Like the first guy basically broke things off with her and now she’s like, hey, what about talking, I can talk to my ex boyfriend and he could teach me about Christianity.
1st Viewer’s Email:
Hey Coach,
I’ve been seeing this girl for about 3 months now. Although things have been great, for the last month we’ve had very limited contact since I told her I could only date a Christian with my values and I although I’d love to keep seeing her, I think she needs space to understand my faith and adopt it if she chooses.
Well, how is she going to understand your faith if you’re unwilling to teach her about it? You’re supposed to be teammates. Two people come together to share their completeness. And if this is going to become your woman, and if she’s going to adopt your faith, then you’re going to be praying together. You’re going to be going to church together. And what you’re really trying to determine here in the vetting phase is do we share the same values?
And right now, no, you don’t. And you knew that going into it, but now you’re basically trying to get her to change and adapt her life. So you will continue seeing her. A better way to go about this is if you’re that religious and you’re that strict, then you should only be going out with women that are already Christians.
And not going out with a girl who’s not a Christian and expecting her to jump through her butt after only a couple of months of dating, and become a Christian and adopt your religion, that’s kind of absurd.
And telling her that you want space, that’s basically saying, I don’t want to date you anymore and let’s break up. So you’re basically giving her the green light to go talk to and date other men. Because remember, she’s not a Christian. And I understand you’ve basically given her an ultimatum choose Christianity and me or have a nice life. And so she’s talking to her ex, who also is a Christian, because it obviously wasn’t a problem for her ex that he was a Christian and she wasn’t.
So there’s that. Again, I would not have gone about this this way. And when you were before you even became exclusive with this girl. Maybe he didn’t become exclusive, but because he doesn’t say. But before you got that serious, you. These are things that you got to. You’re trying to determine if somebody got same goals and values and right off the get go, she obviously doesn’t.
So going no contact with her and basically saying hey, call me if you ever become a Christian. In essence, you shouldn’t be getting mad or upset that she’s talking to the ex because as far as she knows, you basically dumped her because she didn’t have the same ultra religious values that you do, which are obviously more strict than even her ex-boyfriend, because he didn’t care that she wasn’t a Christian.
She agreed and has been adamantly figuring out what she believes, however, two weeks ago I said we should have a formal break where we don’t contact each other so that way she’s not influenced by my opinions, and that she should contact me when she feels ready to reject or accept my faith or to let me know where she’s genuinely headed.
So he’s basically said, hey, I’m not going to continue to date you unless you adopt my values and adopt my religion. So you broke up. You’re not with her anymore. She’s not your girl. You’re not dating. Nothing’s going on. This is just somebody you used to date at this point. So she’s free to date and talk to whoever she wants. You don’t have any authority over her.
Like I said earlier, it would have been much more ideal if you date and you explore your faith with her, to see if she slowly adopts it. Just like it takes time for women to slowly fall in love with you. It’s going to take time if she’s fallen in love with you, to slowly adopt your religion and be down for it.
But the way you’ve gone about it, just to date a girl for a couple of months and say, hey, don’t contact me unless you want to become a Christian. It’s like, what do you think is going to happen? And it’s obvious she’s not head over heels in love with him.
So that would also tell me that he’s really not familiar with the book, because if you’re really good and you know the book backwards and forwards, and you read it 10 to 15 times and you’re a good student, you know it so well, you can literally teach a class on it.
By week 6 or 7, she should be in love. And that didn’t happen. So that tells me it’s like his game is not that tight either. So if she’s not head over heels in love with you and you’re demanding that she become a Christian, it’s like I’d say the chances of her doing that are probably slim to none.
Again, her desire to learn seems adamant but there are some background issues I’ve been thinking about:
1. During our last conversation she asked me if I think it’s a good idea if she agreed to let her ex teach her about Christianity since he offered. I asked her what she thought and she said no because she thinks he might get the wrong idea.
Obviously if she starts talking to him, then he’s going to think he wants to hang out with her or she wants to hang out with him again. So I’m assuming more than likely what happened was she dumped her ex and he probably still wants her back. So you’re literally pushing her into the arms of the ex-boyfriend.
And telling them to study together Christianity so she can make up her mind whether or not to be with you, and she probably had way more time in with the ex. So more than likely you just basically said, hey, go date your ex boyfriend whether you realize it or not.Obviously if she starts talking to him, then he’s going to think he wants to hang out with her or she wants to hang out with him again.
So I’m assuming more than likely what happened was she dumped her ex and he probably still wants her back. So you’re literally pushing her into the arms of the ex-boyfriend. And telling them to study together Christianity so she can make up her mind whether or not to be with you, and she probably had way more time in with the ex. So more than likely you just basically said, hey, go date your ex boyfriend whether you realize it or not.
I wish I made it clear at the time that I didn’t feel comfortable she brought that up and I wish I asked her more about her contact with her ex.
Well, dude, you broke up with her.
They broke up a few weeks before we started seeing each other so my concern now is how much contact do they have?
Well, more than likely he still wants to be with her. She’s emotionally bonded to him. And like I said, the whole way he went about this was, quite frankly, a train wreck. Dude, you fucked up. I would have not handled it this way. You can’t expect a woman after two months of dating, and she’s not even in love with you to just completely change your life for you. That’s ridiculous.
Who is initiating contact?
Meaning her or the ex. And quite frankly, it’s really none of your business. It doesn’t matter. She’s not with you anymore. You broke up with her. What do you think it’s like? Hello? You break up with her. And yet she’s supposed to be loyal and faithful to you. That’s just kind of stupid.
And has she been in contact with him since seeing me?
More than likely, he’s probably still been reaching out, trying to get her to change her mind.
What are your answers and what are lines I should draw?
Well, you’re not qualified to draw any lines. You broke up with her. She’s not your girlfriend. You’re not even dating and seeing her anymore. You basically said, hey, convert to Christianity or I’m going on down the road.
I plan to ask her about all of this when she contacts me. Personally, I don’t want to be with someone that hasn’t fully moved on.
That’s fine and everything. But the way you went about it, you just literally pushed it right back into his arms.
2. Another question I have is, should I bring up the conversation of boundaries?
If you’re becoming exclusive, yes. But you broke up with her, so it’s irrelevant at this point. You could have a discussion about it. But you don’t have any authority with her. You’re not with her.
Since we’re at this point and having deep conversations of how to make things work, I want to bring up something that’s bothered me. She told me a few weeks ago while talking about her day that she saw an old male friend at the gym and invited him to catch up with food. I don’t know if there was another female friend present, but I didn’t like that and regret I didn’t say that.
Well, you’re not dating her anymore, so it’s none of your business. So it’s totally normal for basically what’s going on is she’s talking to her ex, and there’s a guy from the gym that’s going to go out. It’s like you basically told her, hey, go find somebody else or convert to my religion. So she’s obviously exploring her options. You told her you didn’t want to be with her anymore. I was like, what are you thinking?
I truly believe she saw nothing wrong with it and appreciated her honesty.
Well, I don’t see anything wrong with it. Now, if you were dating in an exclusive relationship and she was doing that, yeah, that’s a problem. But you broke up with her, so that’s on you.
I know you say don’t be jealous, but I think it’s right to make your boundaries clear.
Again. You’re not together, dude.
I would try to avoid willingly inviting a woman to catch up if I was seeing someone so I expect the same of her.
Well, you’re not seeing her anymore. You broke up with her, remember?
Your thoughts, jealous or good communication of boundaries?
Thanks!
Bob
It’s like, again, those things apply when you’re actually dating or in a relationship, but you’re not. You broke it off with her because she’s not a Christian. The easier way to go about it is to find a girl that has similar Christian values as you. Maybe like one of those Christian dating sites or whatever people that are ultra religious, it’s going to be much easier to find somebody that already has your goals and values versus trying to get somebody to jump through there.
But after only a couple of months of dating and it’s clear she’s not in love with you, and plus she just broke up with somebody else a matter of weeks before you guys started dating. So more than likely there’s, you know, again, she’s more emotionally bonded to the ex and she’s going to be with you. So. That’s on you. If I were you, I would be dating her and giving her the opportunity and teaching her about the religion yourself, and then see how it goes. It’s like she can either choose to adopt it. She can either take it in or be like, yeah, same for me. That’s what I would do. But you’ve done what you’ve done.
2nd Viewer’s Email:
Hi Coach,
I hope you are well, and thanks for the amazing work. I am on my 9th read of your book, after following you for 3 years. I’m in a bit of a dilemma, and your assistance would be greatly appreciated. I’ve been in a relationship for the last 2 months and attached is a screenshot of an apology from my partner. The apology is a result of me catching her multiple times texting exes and male orbiters.
So if you’re in a relationship and this girl you’re dating is still talking to many exes multiple exes, as he says, and other male orbiters that are friends that are hoping to get newer pants.
And she’s inviting this attention and she’s lying about it. It’s like, game over, man. You can’t work with that. It’s that’s just your values are totally in conflict with one another. She sounds like she’s more of the party girl, the hook up girl, the friends with benefits, the sex playmate, the fuck buddy. She’s not a wife or a girlfriend. And if you’re going to have sex with a woman like this, I would not recommend raw dogging it because it’s obvious that you’re not the only dude.
So in this case, it’s like you can tell her why this is inappropriate, but it seems like he’s already had these conversations with her. And yet the behavior keeps happening. So he set healthy boundaries and it’s obvious that she’s violating them. So you can’t work with that. You just judge people by what they do. So I’m going to go through the. So this is this text exchange here is after he caught her lying. And it’s kind of comical what she says.
And I’ll do it in my girl voice. So she says, I’m really sorry for disappointing you. I have no good reason why I was still chatting with that guy. Sure, she still likes him, that’s why. And she’s not loyal. This hoe ain’t loyal. She’s got no good reason because she still likes him. She doesn’t see anything wrong with it because again, her view of the world is not the same view that you have.
Her view in relationships is not the same as yours. And if we look at our actions because that’s the only thing that really matters, it’s clear the lying and the deceiving and the talking of the exes and inviting attention from other men that want to get into her pants shows she is not suitable for exclusivity and monogamy with you or pretty much anybody. Hang out, have fun, hook up, wear a raincoat, and don’t get exclusive with her or anybody until they have the same goals and values as you.
So she continues on. I hope you can forgive me, but I also know I fucked up. You might feel that you have no reason to trust me and take my word for it when I say, I never saw this man in person since I’ve been seeing you. But the bottom line is she’s still talking to him. We met for drinks before our second date, and that was the last time. I never cheated, and yes, I understand that you might see me chatting with him as that.
Well, it’s still disloyal behavior. I wish that we can get past this, because I am in love with you, and I am not trying to walk over you or mislead you. He says, I don’t think you value or respect me, and I don’t know what else to do. You think it’s about the chatting?
He says, Yes, it is a little. But more than that is the fact that it is so easy for you to lie to me. She says. I’m sorry I lied. Bob, I value you, I do, but I disrespected you and I am sorry, but I respect you enough to accept your decision on where we go from here. Just know I do love you, and I don’t want to lose you.
Well, it’s pretty simple. If she doesn’t want to lose you, she’s got to cut out all the ratchet behavior and stop lying about it. And I haven’t seen any evidence from what he’s written here that she’s willing to do that. She doesn’t see anything wrong with that, probably because there was no man in her life that taught her how to act in a relationship. I didn’t have a good example.
Maybe, you know, she didn’t have a dad growing up or she has a bad relationship with her dad. The bottom line is, is if she can look you in the eye and lie about what’s going on, and then you later catch her in it, it’s who she is. You’re not going to change her. You’re not going to turn her into an honest person when she’s lying her ass off.
I really don’t feel like forgiving her or taking her back, as I think she loves validation and attention.
Well, that’s sure what it looks like. So definitely red flags.
Another problem is that she constantly flirts when we go out, and she thinks I don’t see it.
She probably doesn’t know any better. And again, that’s typically because she’s got daddy issues. Daddy wasn’t around. She doesn’t trust men, doesn’t know how to trust men, doesn’t know which men are trustworthy. She doesn’t understand about loyalty, family and monogamy or any of that. She just acts like a girl who’s going to sleep with whoever gives her the most attention or makes her feel something.
I confronted her once, and she says she don’t know why she does it, but I think she does not respect me.
I just think she doesn’t respect men in general or boundaries. It’s just who she is. She’s obviously a liar. And she doesn’t value commitment, loyalty, exclusivity, monogamy, just look at her actions.
Lastly, we are going into summer in South Africa, and she has these short dresses and see through clothes that she wants to wear.
It’s like, well, I would assume that’s for you to see. But I mean, summer dresses, it’s like that’s one of the beautiful things about summer or like yoga pants for that matter. Yoga pants reveal a lot. And there’s nothing sexier than a woman with a beautiful body and nice, tight fitting yoga pants. Girls wear em all the time. Another thing to be concerned about is, is she dresses very modestly for your dates and never dresses that way.
And then yet she goes out with her girlfriends or other people, and she’s wearing stripper boots and really revealing clothing and extra makeup and just never dresses that sexy for you, but dresses sexy for other people. That’s not a good sign.
I told her I don’t approve, but she says she don’t need my approval.
I’m really at the end of the line, and would really like your opinion, as I really love this girl.
Regards,
Bob
It’s like, well, from everything you’ve shared, Bob. You know, she may really love you and feel that, but if she’s in love with you and she’s still inviting attention from other men, it’s like, what does that tell you about your character? Character is destiny. You can’t make good wine from bad grapes if she’s lying to you and constantly inviting attention from other men. You’ve already had conversations about that, and yet she continues to violate the boundaries and she continues to lie. It’s like, well, then that’s who she is. And as Maya Angelou said, “When somebody shows you who they are, believe them the first time.”
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.