The importance of being unperturbable when you get ghosted, but she comes back later.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who met a girl through online dating that totally knocked his socks off. They had 4 great dates, but when she went on a trip out of town, she disappeared and left him on read for almost 2 months. Then she reached out at 3 am. She left him hanging again after he responded, almost like she forgot she even reached out the night before.
Now, he’s thinking about sending an angry message to let her know he didn’t appreciate being ghosted. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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This email brings up the importance of being unperterbable and not getting butt hurt, just having an unattached, take it or leave it kind of attitude. Because, as you’ll see when I go through this email, it’s a pretty common thing; that there’s obviously another dude. Maybe it’s an ex-boyfriend, because what happens a lot of the time is a girl breaks up with a guy she was dating, she gets on the dating apps, trying to get over it. She meets a new guy, probably like this guy here, things are going well and they progress for several weeks, and then the ex is back in the picture. Then, poof! They disappear because, emotionally, they’re anchored to the ex and they’re hoping that it’s going to work out. And then as soon as things go sideways with the ex again, they’re back.
I see some of the red pill community guys get upset about that, and they say, “Well, you weren’t her first choice.” If you just met her and she’d been out of a relationship for a matter of weeks, or maybe a month or two, with the guy she was with for several years, she’s emotionally anchored and bonded to him. The bottom line is you’ve got no leverage.
One of my closest friends, a guy I’ve learned a lot from over the decades, when he started dating his wife, she was dating an older, more successful guy. He was a doctor, he was very well established, and she had been seeing this other guy longer. And my friend was in his early twenties. We were partying, he wasn’t making a ton of money at the time. He even admits, “I wasn’t the greatest catch, to be honest, with where I was at.” And the guy she was dating was like ten years older, he was a doctor, very successful, had his act together, and she was just kind of further on down the line with him.
She ended up telling my friend, “Hey, I’m going to give things a chance with this other guy that I’ve been seeing,” and he wasn’t happy about that. He wasn’t used to those kinds of things happening to him. But he was like, “Hey, give me a call if it doesn’t work out.” And sure enough, I think it was like five or six weeks later, she got in touch because it didn’t work out with the other guy.
She called him up and was like, “Hey, let’s go out.” And he was like, “Awesome.” He was glad to hear from her. He didn’t take it personally, he didn’t get butt hurt. He was honest about it. He knew where he was at. Even to this day, almost thirty years later, he’s like, “I was kind of a screw-up at that time. And, quite frankly, if you’re going to compare me to the other dude, the other guy had his act together.” He was successful, he was well off at the time. He was further along, he was more mature, and my buddy was kind of like a party guy. And he wasn’t making a lot of money either.
But, because he’s a great guy, she came back, and they’ve always been together ever since. They’ve got a great marriage and they’re very happy. They’ve got beautiful children. Their kids are cool as fuck. So, it all worked out. At the end of the day, as a man, either way, if a fair maiden is showing you attention, “Well, of course a fair maiden is showing me attention, because I’m awesome.” You should have that attitude.
You shouldn’t get angry or mad or upset that a girl disappears and then comes back, because, quite frankly, he went out with her four times. He doesn’t really know what’s going on in her life. And love is allowing. It doesn’t mean you have to get into a relationship with her or choose to only be with her. The bottom line is, she reached out. You should always be like, “Hey! Great to hear from you.” Because whatever you make a woman feel when she’s with you is what she’s going to associate with being with you.
So, every time she reaches out, you should be like, “Oh, great to hear from you. Let’ do something fun together.” Versus, “Oh, you didn’t call me back fast enough! Why did you leave me on read for a couple of weeks? I can’t believe I haven’t heard from you. I can’t believe you texted me at 3:00 in the morning. What were you thinking?” Do you think she’s going to want to talk to you if that’s your attitude? If you’re giving her that attitude, guess what? You’re giving that angry, grumpy attitude to other women, which is a big problem that the guys in the red pill community have. They’re pissed off.
I’ve had countless guys over the years go, “Yeah, as soon as I got into the red pill community, my success with women stopped, because it made me angry and bitter. And then I came back and started following your stuff again, and everything returned.” So, it’s a good email that shows the importance of being unperturbed.
I met a girl that knocks my socks off online using your techniques, got her out on four dates, went out, had fun, and hooked up each time.
Well, as I talk about in “3% Man,” a man’s job in the courtship is just simply to create an opportunity for sex to happen — to hang out, to have fun and hook up. It’s not your job to cause a commitment to happen or create a relationship. The reality is, that should be the last thing on your mind. You just want to hang out, and have fun, and hook up and let the best girl win you over.
So, if you’re not trying to lock anybody down, and then a girl you go out with a few times and have some fun with disappears, if you know my work, you should assume, “Oh, well, maybe she got serious with some other guy. Or maybe an ex came back in the picture. The horses always return to the barn anyway, because I’m the best there is. Of course she’ll be back.” That should be your attitude towards it.
And then when she does come back, you’ll be like, “Well, of course she came back.” Kitty cats always return. They like to go where the fun is. And if you’re easygoing, easy to get along with, and you’re unperturbed, you don’t get butt hurt, you don’t get mad, you don’t get angry. Because if you’re angry and you’re butt hurt, what does that communicate? That communicates that you’re afraid? Because behind anger is always fear. And that’s the opposite of confidence.
Confidence is the number one most important thing that women find attractive in men. So, display confidence and competence, and never show you’re butt hurt. When you display butt hurt and you display anger like this, you’re being unattractive. It’s not helping your case. It’s not going to help you attract her or any other woman to you, for that matter.
So, do the things that are attractive and deal with your own insecurities, and fears, and doubts internally yourself. Don’t make her bear the burden of your problems, or your weaknesses, or your insecurities, or your butt hurt, or the things that set you off that you read in the red pill community. It’s just not necessary.
After the fourth date, she went out of town and I suggested we FaceTime and play a game we played, but this time over the phone as a date. After that she started acting wishy washy.
I would say also, probably because it only had been four times, it was just kind of a casual hookup. And if she’s going away with her friends and she feels like she’s got to have a FaceTime date with you, she’s probably starting to feel a little bit like, “Hey, this guy’s getting a little attached, moving a little too fast.” But if it was me, and it seems like he might be a good student, that’s the right move on his part.
At the end of the day, you’re going to bottom line her actions. And if you try to FaceTime and then she bounces, and especially when she disappears like this, you’ve got to assume that there was probably another guy in the picture — probably an ex, somebody that she was more into or has more time in with. So, you’re in a position of weak leverage anyway at that point, and there’s nothing you can do. You’ve just got to let the chips fall where they may, and remember, she’ll be back.
She proceeded to leave me on read, so I waited a week and texted, and she left me on read blatantly.
Well, that’s not what I teach. Because dating is like tennis. You hit the ball over the net, and she didn’t hit it back. And then you sent another ball over when she ignored you. That communicates that you’re giving up even more of your power. Because it’s tennis. If she doesn’t reciprocate, if she’s not like “Hell yeah, I’d love to see you! Hell, yeah. I’d love to FaceTime with you. Oh, I’m so glad to get a message from you. Let me text you back quickly,” if they’re not as excited to talk to you as you are to them, then match and mirror that. Don’t get mad, don’t get upset, because you just don’t know what you don’t know about this person. Really, despite the carnal knowledge that you have, you don’t know her well enough.
So, I backed off and didn’t reach out at all. A month and a half goes by, and she calls me at 3:00 am on a weekend.
Maybe she wanted a 3:00 a.m. booty call. Because that’s what it kind of sounds like. They were at that casual hookup stage, nothing really serious. But it stopped right after four dates.
I didn’t really know how to respond to this. On one hand, I felt disrespected that she would reach out like that.
So, he was butt hurt. You shouldn’t get butt hurt. You should be like, “Well, of course she called me at 3:00 a.m., because I’m easygoing, easy to get along with. I didn’t stress her out. I didn’t give her a hard time when she didn’t do what I expected. Of course, she’s reaching out to me at 3:00 in the morning. I’m glad that I’m the guy she thinks of at 3:00 in the morning, or 12:00 noon, or whatever.” The bottom line is, she’s contacting you. And, as the book says, if she’s contacting you, it’s probably because she wants to see you.
On the other, I thought about the whole “when she reaches out, make a date.” So, I sent a message the next day saying “Hey, what’s up?” to which she replied, “Oh hey.”
Obviously, probably because she’s sober then.
Like she forgot she called me. I couldn’t stomach replying to this message, so I left her on read.
Well, maybe. She probably had been drinking too much. Typically, people aren’t up at 3:00 a.m. and reaching out to people when they’re sober. You shouldn’t just ignore her. I know she did it to you, but at the end of the day, you’re emailing me about this girl, and I could tell that you’re bothered that she disappeared on you. And the reality is, you’d like to see her again. Otherwise, if you didn’t, you wouldn’t have bothered writing the email. So, I know you like the girl, I know you want to see her again, that’s what you really want.
What you want her to do is not treat you like this anymore. But you also have to understand that there’s probably other dudes in her life, maybe an ex-boyfriend. You just don’t know what you don’t know. So, the key is, what are you making her feel when she reaches out? Are you glad to hear from her, or are you going to give her a hard time? Because if you give her a hard time, she’s going to be less inclined to reach out to you in the future.
If you want to get together with her again and share your secret worlds once again, you’re not going to be a dick. You’re not going to get butt hurt. You’re not going to get perturbed, because it’s going to get in the way. You’re going to cock block yourself. It’s just totally unnecessary.
It’s been a few days and no word. Should I wait again to hear from her, or should I text her and call her out saying, “I didn’t appreciate being ghosted and getting a call from you at 3 am. I have had a lot of fun going out with you, but personally, I would prefer it if you were more respectful with your communication.”
Yeah, that’s such a loving message. That’s the kind of message that’s going to make her go, “Yeah, I’m really glad that I drunk texted him at 3:00 a.m. He really seems happy to hear from me.”
Is that needy, direct, none of the above? Any advice would be appreciated!
Thank you, Corey. Your work has made my life so much better in every aspect, you have no idea.
It just communicates you’re mad and you’re butt hurt, and so you’re using anger to try to get her to correct her behavior. And so, if she texts back saying, “Oh, hey,” I would have just responded, “Hey, we should get together. I’d love to see you and catch up,” and then invite her over to make dinner at your place. Hang out, have fun, hook up. But I wouldn’t have ignored her. That would be a mistake.
Give it a couple of weeks and see if she reaches out again, and then shoot her a text. She may or may not ignore you, but, like I said, it was a mistake to not message her, because now you’re showing you’re butt hurt. My impression, because I’ve been doing this a long time, more than likely, the reason she never replied to you is she knew you really liked her, and she knew you really wanted to see her again, but someone probably was in the way of her spending more time with you. And that’s why she just disappeared. Because in her mind, she can kind of leave it up in the air. And just like she did, a month and a half later she returned back to you when it potentially looked like she was going to get freed up.
So, I would say, more than likely, the fact that she reached out at 3:00 a.m. wasn’t just because she was buzzed. It’s probably because things with whoever has had her attention are looking like they’re in doubt. But the fact that she just replied, “Oh, hey,” shows that now that she’s sober, she’s probably still not at a place where she’s really ready to see you.
I had a phone session with a guy the other day who was in in that position. He had a girl he hadn’t heard from in a couple of years that just got mad. They had a bad breakup, and then she just showed right back up. But every time he tried to make a date, she was evasive, or would disappear for a few days, and then respond a few days after that and change the subject. So, it was the same thing. There was obviously somebody else that she had been seeing that she wasn’t completely done with.
The bottom line is, if you’re sending this email in, I know it’s because you want to see her again. And so, my job as a coach is to help you get what you want. Now, it’s up to you to decide whether you want to stay with her, have a relationship, friends with benefits, or whatever. We’re all adults here, and so it’s up to you decide what you want. The coach’s job is to help you get what you want, not be your judge. I mean, obviously, if somebody is toxic, or is not a good person, or they lack integrity, I’m going to point these things out in the emails. But in this case, we all know he wants to see her again.
So, what can we do to make it so he has the best possible chance to do that — to see her again and explore things and put him in control? Whether he can decide to continue seeing her or say, “Hey, it’s been great meeting you, but there’s no spark,” or “there’s not enough chemistry between us.” Or, “I like you, but I want to date other people. And I wish you all the best.” But the bottom line is he’s in the driver’s seat, versus the guy going, “What the hell happened? We had four great dates, and then she just disappeared.”
So, in this case, because you just ignored her, I would wait it out two weeks. And then text her again, see if you can get her out on a date. But it’s also possible she reaches back out. Like I said, the fact that all she said was, “Oh, hey,” sounds like now that she’s sober, she probably didn’t really want to reach out. But also, because she didn’t really say much, and the fact that you didn’t reply, just let it be and see what happens. See if she reaches out again in the future.