Ultimatum Or The No Contact Rule?
What you should do if your girl is giving you the silent treatment and ignoring you, and if you should give her an ultimatum or employ the no contact rule.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a guy whose girlfriend of four months has gone cold and ignored his last email. Once she started back to work after the lockdown ended in her city, she has continued to back away and become distant. Without realizing it, he continued to chase her and seek validation, which only made her less interested.
He sent an email several days ago saying he would give her space because she was busy and obviously overwhelmed with work, but the fact she is ignoring him is driving him nuts. He asks what he can do since he believes she is his dream girl and doesn’t want to mess it up, despite the fact it’s obviously already messed up. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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He’s wondering, “What do I do?” and he says, “This is my dream girl and I don’t want to mess it up,” but the reality is it’s obviously pretty messed up, because she’s ignoring him. So, you see this happen a lot, at least I do with a lot of guys that I have phone sessions with and plus guys that are new to my work. They come to me because something’s gone sideways or the woman they’re with has all sudden gone cold, kind of like this one has.
We should spend time only with people who appreciate in value your time and who are grateful to have you in their lives. That’s so important, but it’s so hard to do. Especially when we really care about somebody else and we’re emotionally invested, we may think, “Oh, that’s our that’s our dream girl,” and then they don’t match the level of effort. And then as guys, we always want to solve problems and fix things, and we think, “Well, what can we do to make her like us more?”
And so, what ends up happening is because your interest is so high in her, you just tend to ignore the fact that she’s not reciprocating. And it’s really powerful to match and mirror the other person’s actions. If they take longer to respond to your text messages, it just shows that you’re not as much of a priority to them as they are to you. And therefore, you want to match and mirror that behavior. Because the quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours.
And when somebody has waning attention, when they’re starting to disappear, become flaky, less interested, most men and women, for that matter, make the mistake of making additional effort, thinking that letting the other person know that you really, really super duper like them is going to somehow make them like you more. What’s happening is they’re taking you for granted and they’re not really valuing you. And so, it’s like with anything, scarcity creates value. If somebody is already not appreciating something that’s abundant in their life and then you give them more of it, they’re just naturally going to appreciate it less.
And that’s especially true when it comes to your attention, your validation, your interest, your contact, whatever it happens to be, whatever effort you’re putting into it. If the other person is not valuing it and then starting to take it for granted, if you give them more of what they’re already taking for granted, they’ll take it even more for granted. And when it comes to women, they’ll start being rude and disrespectful. Because the reality is, if you love yourself and value yourself and your time, you’re not going to put up with people that are going to jerk you around and waste it. That’s just the harsh reality.
Viewer’s Email:
Hi Corey,
I am a subscriber to your channel, and I have a something to share with you. I just got your book How To Be A 3% Man and started reading it.
Obviously he’s talking about my first book. You can read it for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com. All you’ve got to do is subscribe to the email newsletter.
My girlfriend and I have been together for about 4 months now and things were going great. Since Covid, I have been working mostly from home and she as well. So, we had lots of time to talk and text. We grew close and we have many shared interests, hobbies, likes and dislikes, etc. In fact, we are so much alike that even our education is literally the same as we both have a science education and background. We are happy and comfortable together. We share similar goals and values in most things.
On paper, it sounds wonderful, sounds great. But what are the actions of the other person like?
However, she started back to work, and her schedule has been pretty busy, but we still tried to talk and text as much as possible.
That’s part of your problem. You’re talking and texting instead of spending time together in person. A lot of guys make the mistake thinking, “Hey, I’ll get her to like me more through talk, text, through phone calls, through FaceTime,” and what ends up happening is they just basically become bored of you, because there’s no mystery there. They don’t have to work to get to know you. And for the average guy that doesn’t know any better, and I wrote about this in “How To Be A 3% Man,” they literally talk the woman out of liking and growing interest in them.
However, in the last few weeks her schedule has really gotten busy and we haven’t had the same level of conversation as before. However, 2 weeks ago I noticed her texting a lot less and the conversations were more one-line answers, etc.
So when that happened, you should have just matched and mirrored that behavior, because you have to recognize that you’re spending too much time talking and texting and not enough time actually getting together in person. And on top of that, she’s getting bored with the talking and texting. But most guys, they think, “I’ve got to fix this. Let me talk and text her more to make her like me more and get her back to where she was a few weeks earlier.”
Then last Tuesday she just stopped texting and talking. I know she has a lot on her plate right now, but she has never given me the silent treatment before.
Yeah, it just means that her interest is really super low. She totally doesn’t value you, and she takes everything for granted, and she just assumes you’ll keep talking and over-texting like you have before, because it’s obvious you’ve been over pursuing and not even realizing what you’re doing. And even though you’re watching my videos because you’re emotionally invested, you’re telling yourself, you’re BSing yourself, into believing that you’re not over pursuing her.
Because dating is like a game of tennis. And so, she stopped playing. She just literally ignored you. And you don’t keep chasing after somebody who ignores you. You just let them be. If they fade away, then you know where you stand. They weren’t that into you to begin with.
I honestly didn’t realize it was the silent treatment at first, and I sent her an email basically saying that I knew she had a lot going on in her life right now and she is busy with work, etc.
So, you’re making a lot of assumptions, and the reality is your email wasn’t so much to acknowledge that as it was basically to say, “Why aren’t you paying attention to me? Why don’t you want to talk to me?” And so, when you act like a mangina, you get ignored.
I should have seen the signs and given her some space and time so she could better manage her time.
That’s why, as I talk about in “How To Be A 3% Man,” the guy shouldn’t be doing more than 20–30% of the calling, texting and pursuing. This is the result. You overdo it to the point where she just loses interest, and she may be totally disinterested at this point. If this is your supposed girlfriend, and already a week’s gone by and she’s completely ignored your last messages, obviously in her mind she’s not in the relationship anymore, and she’s probably just looking for a reason to end things.
I told her to take some time and space as things were probably a bit overwhelming for her.
Again, you made more assumptions, and so you, in essence, made it easy. But I would have never written an email in the first place. I would have just waited to hear hear back from her. But instead you’re getting all emotional, because you’re hoping that a long email is going to prod her and make her interact with you. That’s the real reason why you sent it.
I apologized for putting her under additional stress that she didn’t need at this time. I told her I love her and will wait patiently, and we will fix this.
Well, you can’t really fix low interest. That’s your problem, you’re you’re falling under what I call the illusion of action. You’re thinking, “I have to do something to make this girl like me more.” And the problem is, you’ve done too much already to the point where she’s basically ignoring you.
I was expecting to hear back from her in a day or two at the latest. However, I realize she has been giving me the silent treatment as she read my email but never answered. I have watched your video on no contact, and I have not contacted her since that email.
Well, again, I can tell you’re cherry picking and you’re looking at this like, “Oh, the no contact rule is going to fix me. It’s going to save this relationship.” The reality is you don’t keep contacting somebody who’s ignoring you. That’s what the no contact rule is. You recognize that the other player, it’s like playing a video game and all of a sudden the other player stops moving and they just get killed because they’re not moving. Obviously, they left the game.
Well, if they left the game, then what does that mean? Go play with somebody else, because she’s not interested in playing. Or it’s like tennis, you hit the ball over the net and the person you’re playing with, she just picked up a racquet and walked off the court. Didn’t say anything, just left. Just left you hanging there. Now you don’t keep sitting there whipping tennis balls over the net, hoping she comes back. You’re just like, “Oh, I’ll go play with somebody else.”
She happens to be my dream girl, so I don’t want to mess it up.
Bro, come on, man. It’s already messed up. Now you’re ignoring that, you’ve been ignoring that, and now the reality is she’s totally ignoring you. That’s not a good sign.
But she was the one who started the silent treatment, and I am not going to break and wuss it out in my side. Even though I just don’t know whether I am coming or going right now and it’s frustrating as hell not knowing the situation.
Well, it’s obvious she’s really lost interest. And she doesn’t think enough of you after the four months and all of the interactions you guys have had. I don’t know how much time you actually spent together in person, because you talk a lot about texting, but how often did you actually get together in person? Were you somebody that just amused her and kept her busy while she was sitting at home not doing anything, and now that she’s back to work, she doesn’t care anymore? I mean, maybe this whole relationship was in your mind.
Should I continue with the no contact or what?
Again, dating is like like a game of tennis, and this girl’s ignoring you. If I were you, I would assume it’s over. Even if you had committed to her, I mean, she ignored you. You said, “I’m going to give you space, and we’ll work it out and we’ll fix it,” but she didn’t even think enough of you to say, “Hey, I appreciate that. It’s really sweet of you. Yeah, I really have been overwhelmed. Sorry, I haven’t been as attentive as I’ve been in the past. But yeah, you know, in couple of days or a week or two, we’ll definitely get back together.” You got none of that from her. You got completely ignored.
And the reason you are completely ignored is because she just doesn’t care. She’s not that into it. And if she didn’t think highly enough of you after four months to even respond to your email, then you may never hear from her again. That’s the other thing to consider. And why sit around and wait to never hear from her again?
If you start going out and dating and seeing other women, say two or three weeks go by or a month goes by and she reaches out, “Hey,” you make a date. Or if she’s like, “Oh, I saw you were on Instagram. There were other girls there. I saw you on a dating app,” or whatever, it’s like, “You never responded to my last message. As far as I knew, we weren’t seeing each other anymore, so I moved on. You didn’t make the effort. You didn’t even think enough of what we shared to respond to my email? If you’re going to be that rude and disrespectful, I’ll find somebody else. I don’t need this.” That should be your attitude. You don’t just lay down and go, “Thank you, may I have another? Please abuse me and ignore me some more.”
I don’t want to give her an ultimatum yet either, as it’s only been a week since the silent treatment started.
Dude, you don’t need to give her an ultimatum. She’s ignoring you and she completely blew you off. I would look at it as, hey, you’re a free agent to date and hang out with whomever you want, because if you’re in a loving relationship with somebody, they don’t ignore you for a week. That’s when a relationship is over.
Maybe she’s just hoping you’ll go away and disappear altogether. Maybe you don’t even have stuff to exchange. Maybe she has nothing at your place. I don’t know. Like I said, I don’t even know how often you guys really actually spent time together in person. There was a lot in the email about talking and texting, but nothing about getting together and hanging out, having fun and hooking up.
I also don’t want to seem unkind or insensitive by not being supportive in the event she is really stressed out and just can’t think of me right now either.
Dude, come on, man. Come on, man! How unkind and insensitive is it to ignore your boyfriend for a week and not even reply and not even acknowledge, “Hey, I got your email. Sorry, I’ve been jammed up. I’ll be in touch in a few days or a few hours”? Nothing. She thought nothing of you, bro. Have some self-respect.
You want to be with a girl who’s excited to be with you, who appreciates you, who values you, who makes the mutual effort. Somebody who wants to just blow you off, they don’t care. They just don’t care. I’m sorry, it’s harsh, but if it was me, I’d be like, “I’m a free agent. I’m going to get out there and play ball. May the best girl win.” Then you might hear from her in a month or two, and she might just be like, “Hey.” Wait a couple of days to respond to that.
I am not a strict Alpha or Beta male, but I can switch between both roles as the situations arise.
Keep safe and healthy my friend.
Cheers,
Bob
And how is that working out for you, vacillating between Alpha and Beta, as you seem to think you’re doing? Your supposed girlfriend is completely ignoring you, so acting like a Beta male, it’s not working for you, dude. You don’t keep chasing after somebody who ignores you.
But like I said, based on her actions and the fact over a week’s gone by, she’s not into it. And like I said, you didn’t mention anything about how much you got together in person, so maybe most of your “girlfriend” or your “relationship” was really just talking and texting to some stranger that you were entertaining and validating and making her laugh when she was bored. And now that she’s back at work, she’s looking for a guy who knows how to consistently act like an Alpha.
You’ve got to read the book 10–15 times, and you’ve got to apply it. You’ve got to apply it in your everyday life, because that’s what’s going to get you the results. Not acting like a Beta male half the time and an Alpha male half time. It just doesn’t work, dude. All of that feminist bullshit that you hear from Hollywood, that stuff doesn’t work. That’s not how natural sexual polarity works in the real world.
So you can get one of these sweet mugs on Teespring.com in the Coach Corey Wayne store. And if you’d like to get my help personally with a problem or situation you’re having in your personal or your professional life, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
“Reciprocation is essential in all good healthy balanced relationships. That means that the other person matches and mirrors your level of effort at nurturing the relationship, so it continues to flourish. The harsh reality in life is that only a handful of people you will come to know during the course of your journey will actually belong in your inner circle and appreciate being there. Therefore, spend time only with people who appreciate and value your time and who are grateful to have you in their lives.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
