Trouble Finding A Relationship After A Bad Breakup
What you should do if you are having trouble finding a new relationship after a bad breakup.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following my work for several years, but still has not read my book, How To Be A 3% Man, the required ten to fifteen times. So, he’s obviously not following the instructions in the book and is simply being lazy and cherry picking solutions in hopes of finding illusory quick fixes.
He had a nasty break up with his girlfriend only four months ago and is upset that he hasn’t found anyone new yet. Most of the women he has been dating, that he’s not really into, never seem to want to go on more than one or two dates or hookups before they lose interest and fade away. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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This guy says he’s been following my work for several years, but he says he hasn’t read my first book, How To Be A 3% Man, 10–15 times yet, even though he’s been following my work for several years. He says it’s helped him a lot, but it’s obvious that he’s not following instructions. Because if he’s been following my work for several years, he should have been through the book 10–15 times. And so what that tells me is that he’s cherry picking and looking for quick fixes.
He said he had a bad breakup about four months ago, and he’s upset the hasn’t found anybody new yet after four whole months. So, this is pretty common, that you see this with people when they have a breakup. They start dating and they want to find somebody else right away. The problem is the likelihood of you meeting somebody just as good, if not better, than the last person you met in four months is like, slim to none. It almost never happens.
And because of that, after several months of not meeting anybody new that they like as much and is as into them as they were into each other as the last person, they tend to become impatient. And oftentimes, that’s why people go back to what they had before, because they become fearful that they’re not going to meet anybody better. And if you’re trying to move on and improve yourself, typically, if it didn’t work the first time, it’s oftentimes not going to work the second time, unless you were just doing a lot of really unattractive things that you shouldn’t have been doing that turned her off and caused her to lose attraction and no longer want to be with you.
And those cases that you take care of solving the things that you were doing, and eliminating the unattractive behavior, and then displaying more attractive behavior, that woman will naturally start feeling attraction for you again and come back — whether it’s a marriage or a long term relationship that got stagnant and dull and boring because you weren’t doing the things necessary to date and court her properly and keep her excited, and in love, and happy with you.
But I like the email because it brings up something that a lot of guys struggle with, and this is the hard part after breakup. Several months have gone by, and you’re not having much luck. You’re still emotionally attached to the other person, especially if you’re the one that got dumped. Rejection tends to breed obsession.
And then you focus so much on what you had and the fact you haven’t met anybody new, and then you start telling yourself, “I lost the love of my life, I have to get her back.” And then, guys start chasing these women, especially guys that aren’t familiar with my work. And oftentimes they spend many months or even years stuck in friend zone hoping they’re going to get out of it and get another chance. And it’s just a bad way to go.
It’s really important, if you think about it, if you’re not excited about your own life, how are you going to get a woman excited about it when you’re not excited about it? It’s going to be next to impossible. If you’re enthusiastic and happy, you’re going to be much more attractive than somebody that has a frown on their face and is not having a good time.
Long time subscriber to your YouTube content but have yet to read your book 10–15 times.
Well, that’s part of your problem, dude. You’re cherry picking. You’re not following the instructions that are in the book. And that’s why I say 10–15 times, because you want to get to know this information so well, you don’t have to think about it. You just instinctively react and respond in the appropriate way.
There’s a lot of guys who are like this. They’re just lazy about everything. They’re lazy towards their own success, whether it’s lazy working out and going to the gym, and taking care of themselves, and eating healthy consistently, or improving their situation at work. If they’re not getting the promotion they want, they just simply go find somebody else who is willing to give them the promotion, or the money, or the job that they want. Then, they put in their two weeks notice in when they line up the new job, and they say, “See you later. I gave you guys a chance. You didn’t think I was worth it, but somebody else did. It’s been real. Peace.”
That’s what self-reliant men and women do. When they’re not getting compensated or they’re not getting the opportunities they want, they’re not going to sit around and wait for a handout or wait for people to change their mind. They’re just going to go out and make something happen for themselves. That’s the best way to be in life.
You have helped me a lot throughout the years and have given me motivation to better myself as a man.
Four months ago, I got out of a relationship that ended very ugly. She bad-mouthed me to my friends and family and ended up blocking me, even though we weren’t in contact. Since then, I have had very low self-esteem and questioned my worth.
So the other thing that, again, I go into detail in “How To Be A 3% Man” is that when you’re with somebody a long time in a relationship — and especially if you’re living together, you’re sleeping together, you’re showering together, you’re making love together, you’re eating breakfast, lunch and dinner together, oftentimes you spend your weekends together, you socialize together — everything revolves around the life that you built for yourselves.
And then, when the relationship ends and that person is gone for you from your life, your whole identity becomes wrapped up in who you were in that relationship. And now with that person gone from your life, you oftentimes look around and you don’t recognize yourself. You don’t recognize your life. You’ve got to take time to heal. You’ve got to take time to get back to that place where you were before, when you were single, before you met that last ex of yours.
I use the analogy, oftentimes, as guys being the driver of the fun bus. You want to get in the habit of being the driver of the fun bus. And whether it’s friends or family or women that you’re encountering and dating, if they’ve got a bad attitude or they don’t want to get on your fun bus, that’s okay. You’ll close the doors and you’ll just drive on to the next stop, because you’re looking for people that want to have fun with you, people that like the same kinds of things.
That’s why it’s so important to immerse yourself and lose yourself in the things you love and enjoy for fun socially, activities that you do on the weekends, social things that you do, getting together with friends or whatever. Because it’s in the process of doing that, where you’re laughing and having a good time, that you get noticed. And when you’re hanging out with other like minded people that like the same things, you make new friends that like the same things, because people who like the same things tend to like each other.
And oftentimes, there are women floating around, maybe they’re the single friends of one of the girlfriends of one of your buddies, or the single next door neighbor, or you go to a friend’s baby shower and they have single friends, maybe girls that were their sorority sisters back in college that are single and they’re hanging out. Everybody knows each other. You automatically get social proof, because you’re there and you’re part of this group.
It’s just easy and effortless to meet new people and click, because you have so much in common. You know the same people, you run in the same social circles, and it’s easy and effortless to talk to them, because you already have social proof. You’re already in this group, versus being out at a bar or a nightclub, or going someplace trying to meet women. Here, you’re just having fun, and just by the nature of your social life and what you do, you’re going to encounter other like minded people, and you just never know when it’s going to happen.
That’s why it’s so important to get to a place where you’re having a lot of fun, you’re smiling a lot, you’re laughing a lot, because that’s when you’re most attractive, because you appear like the guy that’s driving the fun bus. Who wouldn’t want to get on your fun bus? You’re having a blast. If you’re miserable, if you’re upset, if you’re sitting in a corner by yourself feeling sorry for yourself, you need to take time to heal.
Take time to be alone, get to a place where you can be alone in your house and have a blast. Maybe you’re doing errands, maybe you’re cleaning your house, you’re mowing the lawn, cleaning out your garage, working in your art room, whatever it happens to be — getting to a place where you have a blast by yourself or you don’t feel like you’re missing anything. You’d like to have somebody as a complement to your life, but it’s okay too. In other words, you can enjoy the silence.
And when you feel these feelings of loss and you start missing the ex — especially this guy’s case, it’s been four months — you want to be able to enjoy the silence, enjoy being alone. You’d love to have somebody as a complement to your life, but you’re infinitely patient, because you want to make sure you get the right person. Because also, when you’re desperate to find somebody new, you’ll tend to ignore all the red flags that come along.
And the way the universe tends to work is if you’ve got a weakness, or a blind spot, or something you need to transcend and overcome, you’ll keep meeting the same kind of people with the same kind of flaws until you recognize those red flags and become strong enough to interact with them for a short period of time. Maybe you go out on a few dates, maybe you hook up a few times, whatever, but you’ve got to have enough emotional self-control to recognize that maybe they’re displaying some of the same toxic type of behaviors that your ex did.
And you have to be strong enough, especially when you’re really attracted to them and they’re really attracted to you, to move on from that, because you’ve already seen that movie. You know how how it ends. You’ve been there, you’ve done that, you got the T-shirt. You want to be able to move on and transcend that. That’s why the old saying goes, haste makes waste. “Impatience never commanded success.” I think it was Edwin Chapman that said that.
So, the worst thing you can do is be four months out of a breakup and be desperate to find somebody else. Because nine times out of ten, you’re going to make a bad choice, and then you’re going to get burned again. And when you get burned again, now you’ve got another negative emotional event regarding your personal life, and you’ve got to work to overcome it.
I have been on all the dating apps and have been getting lots of dates and hookups, but nothing is turning into more than 1 or 2 hookups or dates. I’m 30 years old and consider myself good looking and charming, but have been questioning a lot lately, since even women I consider a bit below my standards are not putting in an effort or pursuing me like I’m used to.
What you’ve got to understand, dude, women aren’t stupid and they can tell when you’re not really that into them. And it’s hard to keep things going when you’re not really into somebody, because they can sense it. So, you’ve got to look at it as these women are doing you a favor. Because, like I said, people who like the same things tend to like each other.
And you’re getting upset that women that you’re not even that into, after a few dates lose enthusiasm for you, because women typically are better at this stuff than guys are. So, they can tell when you’re really into them, for the most part, and they can tell when you’re not. And if you’re not really displaying any enthusiasm, it’s harder to maintain a conversation with these women if you’re not excited. If you’re not excited about her, and her life, and what she’s all about, and curious about her, and interested in who she is as a human being, she’s going to sense it and feel it.
That’s why a part of what’s in “How To Be A 3% Man” is why women should be doing 70, 80, 90% of the talking on a date. If you’re fascinated by her, and you’re excited, and you want to get to know everything about her, you’re going to be asking a lot of questions. But if you really couldn’t care, if you’re not that into her, you’re not going to be asking a lot of questions about who she is, because you’re just not going to be into her. And when women can sense that. If you cared about them, you’d want to know.
And then oftentimes, because you’ve got dead spots in the conversation, you go back to talking about yourself instead of listening. And getting the other person to talk is what creates rapport, it’s what causes them to like you more. And if you’re not doing that, you shouldn’t be surprised that these women that you’re not even into, who had some enthusiasm for you in the beginning, they start to recognize you’re not that into them. Everybody wants to be loved, and they could sense it and they can feel it. So you shouldn’t be surprised that this is happening.
Is it just my age? I’ve been talking to women 5–8 years younger than me.
It’s like, bro, I’m fucking fifty-one years old and I still date women that are in their twenties. It’s like, come on, man. So, you’re feeling crappy, and whatever you focus on expands, so the quality of your life is in direct proportion of the quality of the questions that you consistently ask yourself. So, if you’re not feeling very good about yourself and your life and you have a negative mindset, this is what happens. “Oh, maybe the reason that these aren’t going anywhere is because now I’m too old. These women are five, eight years younger. I mean, there’s no way they would they would like me.” And so you tell yourself that.
But what’s happening is you’re going out with mediocre women that you’re not even into. I mean, it says “How To Be A 3% Man, Winning the Heart of the Woman of Your Dreams.” It doesn’t say “winning the heart of the mediocre women.” You want women to knock your socks off. That’s why you go on a few dates, hook up a few times and be like, “Hey, it’s been great,” and keep circulating until you find somebody else. It’s like, you’re attached to the fantasy of what you want in somebody, and you’re kind of ignoring the reality that these girls just aren’t it.
I was using an analogy yesterday with a client. You’ve got to think, if you’re familiar with NFL football, you’ve got 52 people, I think, a 53-man roster, or whatever it is, and then you’ve got 12, 15, 17 people that are on the practice squad. (I can’t remember how many off the top of my head right now.) But you’ve got to think of your dating pool as kind of like your practice squad. These are the women that are kind of in the bubble of making it onto your team, if you will.
And if you know anything about NFL football, over the course of the season, the practice squad is always changing. You’ve always got people getting cut, you get people getting poached by other teams, and you get new people coming in that you signed that maybe you’ve poached from other teams? And so, you constantly want to be churning your practice squad, if you will. Because some of those people that are on your practice squad, some of the women are going to make it to the team, meaning you actually want to spend time with them.
So, you always have to be prospecting, meeting new women. If you’re back in the dating world, you’ve got to keep it going until you find somebody that really knocks your socks off. And like I often say, the numbers are the numbers. I mean, how often do you meet a new best friend? You might meet some guy that you become close to, a new one for your pool of people, maybe once a decade, maybe twice a decade. Good people don’t come along very often.
It’s the same thing with women. Good women don’t come along very often. I’ve found over the course of my life, and I’ve seen it thousands of times in my clients’ lives, you get one to three of those unicorn style women, where the planets seem to align, it’s just easy and effortless to be with them. And you you can’t make that happen. All you can do is lose yourself in the process of keeping your practice squad rotating — constantly, getting fresh new talent in, and the other talent that doesn’t measure up and can’t make the team, you’ve got to cut them. Nothing personal, you want the best that you can get.
And eventually you find your Tom Brady. And once you find your Tom Brady in your practice squad, then they become your starting quarterback, to use the analogy. You’ve got to think of yourself that way. You’ve got to think of your dating pool of prospects is like your practice squad. You’re always trying to improve it and put players on there that jive better with you than the previous ones.
I feel like I’m doing everything right on these dates and keeping my text interactions short and to the point to set up dates. But lately, all I’ve been getting is “I’m busy this week, but maybe next week” replies after the first or second date.
Thanks for everything.
When you hear a response like that, it just means “I’m not that into you” for whatever reason. It doesn’t matter, don’t take it personally. From the practice squad perspective, it just says, because everybody’s got talent in the NFL, but most people don’t have up here what they need to win mentally in the NFL. And that’s why you get a guy like a Tom Brady. When you look at his combine and all the things that he competed in before he got it in the NFL, you see the picture of him without a shirt, he looks like a guy who didn’t even exercise.
And yet, he’s the best quarterback that ever lived. Why? What’s the difference? It’s what’s up here. He’s willing to prepare and outwork everybody. He’s willing to do things with pliability, and the alkaline diet, or actually it’s a version of the alkaline diet that I talk about “Mastering Yourself,” that most people simply aren’t willing to do. So, you’ve got to think of it from that perspective. You want somebody that’s exceptional, and you’ll never find that exceptional person unless you’re constantly churning your practice squad.
So, when you hear, “Hey, I’m not I’m busy this week, but maybe next week,” then you say, “Great, what’s your schedule like next week? When are you free?” Again, your job, as I talk about in “How To Be A 3% Man,” is to set the appointment, to set the date. But obviously, in that response there is a total lack of enthusiasm. She’s not willing to put you as a priority on her practice squad. In other words, you’re in the bubble of her practice squad, because she doesn’t like your level of enthusiasm. Or I should say, your lack of enthusiasm.
The interesting thing is, when Tom Brady got drafted, he told Bob Kraft, the owner of the Patriots, he said “Drafting me is the best decision you ever made.” I mean, that’s pretty cocky. And he lived up to that. He said it, he meant it. Just like Babe Ruth pointing to the stands and saying, I’m hitting a home run over there. Tom Brady, he walked the talk, he still walks the talk, that’s why he’s exceptional. So you’ve got to use a little analogy from football and apply it towards your dating and your personal life.
You’ve got to be patient, man. It may take you four or five years to find somebody you really jive with. But in the meantime, you can have a hell of a lot of fun building your life. Date and hook up and see what’s out there. Improve your skills, read “How To Be A 3% Man” 10–15 times and apply it, so you can get really good at it. Because when that Tom Brady comes along in your life, so to speak, you’ve got to have your act together, or else somebody else is going to poach him from your practice squad.
Also apply what’s in “Mastering Yourself” to optimize your professional life, and your purpose, and your mission, and your body health-wise, so you can set yourself apart, and then you can be fifty-one years old and still having women in their twenties hitting on you to date you. It’s not a bad life. I mean, Leo DiCaprio, he’s not suffering. I think he’s living a pretty damn good life. But to each his own, whatever you want. That’s the important thing, that you build a life and the lifestyle that you’re happy about.
“It’s always healthy to take several months off from dating after a breakup, and oftentimes even a year or more, if the previous relationship was a decade or longer. Why? You must take time to heal and learn to be happy again being alone by yourself. If you don’t enjoy your own company and aren’t having a blast living your life being single, it’s going to be really hard to get a woman to be excited about your life when you’re not even excited about it. Enthusiasm and happiness is contagious and attractive. The best way to meet new women is a side effect of having a great social life full of friends, events and activities that you love doing for fun. People who like the same things tend to like each other. Like attracts like. Make a great life for yourself, and high quality women will seek you out.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne