Too Many Red Flags Usually Means Her Father Did A Bad Job
Why women with too many red flags usually means their fathers did a bad job raising them.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who dated a woman he thought was the one. She’s hot, smart, an engineer and a true alpha female. However, he says that he ignored an impressive number of red flags she displayed. He goes over the list of flags and what was going on in her family dynamic that led to her behavior. In the end she dumped him doing him a favor, but he still is hurting over the breakup and shares his story in hopes to help other men avoid making the same mistakes he did. He tried to use 3% Man, to change and fix her, instead of bouncing her out of his life. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
*Disclosure: This article contains affiliate links. An affiliate link means I may earn referral fees if you make a purchase through my link, without any extra cost to you. Thank you for your support.
Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be, “Too Many Red Flags. Usually Means Her Father Did A Bad Job.”
Well, this particular email is from a guy who just broke up with a girl he was dating who he originally thought was “the one” for him. And so, he shares the email and hopes that you guys who are watching this video can learn something from it, because he made the mistake of taking everything he learned in 3% Man. Instead of bouncing this woman with more red flags than red China out of his life, he thought he’s going to fix her. He’s going to save her and use The Book to fix her and solve the problems.
And obviously in the end, he realized it was futile. But it just goes to show, despite the fact that he was very familiar with The Book, that he projected his high interest and his fantasy onto this woman, and then just completely ignored all of these red flags, that just made it very clear that she’s just not the kind of person that really has the same goals or values as him, and you’ll see why in a minute. So he’s hoping that you guys can learn something from this and not make the same mistakes he did. But this is what’s so hard.
Anybody that studied sales knows that us human beings, we tend to make our decisions based upon our emotions, and then we use logic and reason to justify our decisions. And so, when a guy is emotionally wrapped up and invested in a girl, especially when he gets into la la land so quickly and thinks, “oh, she’s the one for me.” Then you’ve completely suspended your ability to be rational and objective, and to vet the person properly to find out if they live up to these ideals that you have of what you’re looking for.
And what oftentimes happens, especially with guys have never dated a woman that knocks their socks off and makes them feel these things emotionally is when that happens, all the objectivity goes out the window. And then six, 12 months, a year and a half later, they realize that they’re in a relationship with somebody that’s just not a good person, and doesn’t share the same goals and values.
Viewer’s Email:
Dear Coach,
I’m Bob, 23, and last November, I met “the one.” We shared a lot in common. We are both from the same foreign country, now living in Texas, and both musicians in high school.
Well, it’s nice being with an alpha female or a courageous woman, a woman who’s successful, a woman who’s used to getting what she wants. But oftentimes, what is the problem with a lot of those women is they’re too in their masculine. They’re not feminine, they’re not soft. There’s too much boss girl energy. And oftentimes these alpha females are a little too difficult to be with. They are always kind of jockeying and fighting for control.
And if you’re soft and you’re weak, they’re going to walk all over you. It’s very rare to meet a woman who’s an alpha, who’s; so to me, what I and I always thought this was common sense, but now you got all these other ridiculous labels that people are coming up with. But alpha always meant that you were courageous, you were successful, that you went after the things that you want. If you were beta, you tended to be more cowardly or soft or weak and shrink from challenges in your life.
And it’s pretty common sense. But again, now you’ve got all these other, uh, sigma males and sigma females and all this other nomenclature. It just sounds like a bunch of coke. You either go for the things you want in life or you make excuses. It’s really boils down to that. That’s the difference between alpha and beta. You either go for what you want or you make excuses and you don’t. You shrink from the challenge. And you don’t reach your full potential. Women like guys that are trying to reach their full potential.
And it’s nice being with a woman who also has the same goals and values, but you want her to defer to your leadership. But a true alpha female is only going to defer to your leadership if you’re worthy. If you really, truly are a master of your soul, if you will. If you’re the captain of your ship, only then will she trust your leadership and submit to you. Because if you act like a bitch, she’s definitely going to treat you like a bitch.
She’s incredibly smart. Valedictorian, all that. I had only gone on a few dates in my life, so I knew that I did not want to fuck this up, which led me to your work.
So he wasn’t familiar with my work when he met this particular girl. So that makes it a lot harder to try to course correct, especially when I don’t know how far down the road he was. But usually guys come to me when things aren’t going well. So you probably started dating this girl, projecting his fantasy pedestalizing her a little bit. She probably started backing off and backing away, and he didn’t understand why. And so, that’s when he came across 3% Man and the videos, and started watching and recognizing what he was doing wrong.
But by that time he’s already in la la land. So vetting is not even on his radar. He’s not even thinking about that. His whole mindset is, as he says, “I don’t want to fuck this up.” So that tells me he’d already decided, well, as he said, “the one” without really knowing her. And as a man, you can’t really have that kind of attitude. You shouldn’t have that attitude with guys that you want to become friends with. Nor should you have that attitude with people you want to become business partners with. You got to see what their character is really like. Character is destiny.
I was so convinced she was “the one” that I made a commitment to myself to read your book once a week throughout our relationship, which I did over 10 times.
Yeah, but again, by the time you got into The Book, you had already decided mentally in your mind that she was the one for you. And what you wanted to do is use The Book to prevent from losing her. And when you have that attitude, you’re not even looking for red flags. You’re not even looking to be objective. You’ve already decided that she’s the one. She’s already won. She’s won the race.
You’re ready to give her the Stanley Cup, give her the MVP trophy, and she hasn’t even earned it. It’s kind of like Barack Obama getting the Nobel Peace Prize as soon as he gets in office. The dude ain’t done shit yet, and, I’m not even going to go into it. But you get the idea. It just cracks me up. Dude gets a Nobel Peace prize. Hadn’t done shit. Anyways, back to our regularly scheduled email.
With all that said, I was so hypnotized by her charm, beauty, resume, and incredible sex, that I shamefully admit that I ignored an impressive list of red flags.
Yeah, because by the time he came to my work, he was already in the weeds. He was already, “How can I get this girl to like me? How do I keep her? How do I get her to fall in love? How do I keep from losing her?” He wasn’t even thinking of, “Is she good for me? Does she share the same goals and values? Is she a good person?” And so, he basically created a mental scotoma. So the red flags are there. But mentally the story enabled his brain to completely ignore the red flags. And so, therefore he proceeded anyways.
Here is a list of some, but not all the red flags:
Her telling me…
- “I am afraid of love”
2. “I am really scared of how much I like you”
3. “I am afraid of commitment”
Here’s another one. This is.
4. “I’ve screwed up all of my relationships”
What did Maya Angelou say? “When somebody tells you who they are, believe them the first time.” Somebody that screws up all their relationships, that usually is a sign that they came from a dysfunctional, messed up family, and they’re probably emotionally hijacked in a Jack in the box.
5. “My parents have hated each other my whole life and cheat on each other, yet still live together. All my family does is argue and yell at each other. My mother doesn’t respect him nor does anyone in the house.”
So if none of the women in the family respect dad, and you’re dating one of the daughters raised in that environment. Do you think she’s going to respect you? Do you think she respects men in general? No. She’s used to not respecting men. And so, the other thing to keep in mind when you’re dating somebody who that was their reality in the household and you’re calm, cool, collected and stable, they’re not going to be able to deal with it because that doesn’t feel normal. Just like she said, “I screw up all my relationships.” That’s why.
When things are going well, that doesn’t feel normal to her, so she’ll fuck things up on purpose. Just because things being fucked up and full of drama and chaos that feels normal to her. It’s only if somebody has gone to therapy and done the work on themselves, which unfortunately, most human beings are just not willing to do. That’s why when you hear these things, you got to go, okay, she can be fun for a while, nice friends with benefits, but I’m not going to get too far down the line. I’m certainly not going to commit to her. And here she continues on.
6. “My last relationship ended because I kissed a guy when I got drunk and didn’t tell my ex this had happened until a month later.”
Oh, so she has no self control. So she goes out, she’s in a relationship, and she puts herself in a position where she drinks too much and then is playing kissy poo with some other guy when she’s in a relationship. So What did she say? “My parents hated each other her whole life. They cheated on each other and yet they’re still together.” So in her mind, cheating and fucking around is normal. But hey, you stay together because you’re family, right?
So her expectations are that, hey, if she cheats or kisses another guy, well, he should just stick around because he loves her because that’s what she saw her parents do. So to her, that’s normal behavior. Well, to us guys, with loyalty being the number one value that we like in women, this is not our value system. Her value system is hey, cheating is okay because you’re in a relationship, so you should just put up with it because that’s what her parents did. It would be absurd for her to think that a man would not put up with that behavior from her. Well, her parents did it. Why don’t you? Everybody cheats.
7. Her father was extremely controlling and a jack-in-the-box. He would check her phone constantly and blew up in rage when he found out about her high school boyfriend.
So right there, the fact that she can’t have a normal relationship with her dad without him freaking out, she becomes trained to lie and hide things from him. And so any time, because she got such, she became emotionally anchored to this behavior. So if there’s any time in her life something happens and she thinks somebody is not going to take it, well, she’s going to lie and cover it up. You can’t solve problems unless you can talk openly and honestly about them. And her father taught her to be a liar. And a cheater for that matter. That’s who she is.
8. When I could see that she went quiet, I used every single technique in the book to open her up. She would say “I don’t wanna talk about it, it’s not about you, I need time to think.”
In other words, she needs time to think her lies and get her story in order before she has a conversation, so she doesn’t trip over other lies she’s told in the past. Again, if you’re with somebody that is constantly holding back, constantly lying, constantly thinking, how can I phrase this so it doesn’t look bad? Because that’s what her father trained her to do. It’s going to be really hard to have a good relationship with her and communicate with her because, as she said, she wants to get all her ducks in a row in essence.
“I need time to think.” She needs to get her story straight and her alibi straight and her excuses straight. She’s been practicing this her whole life. And you showing up thinking, “hey, I’ll fix this.” Nope. She’s an adult now. She’s emotionally anchored to this behavior. People do more to avoid pain than they do to gain pleasure. And so for her, she associates more pleasure with lying and being devious, because that’s the easy thing to do.
That’s what her father taught her. And associates pain with actually being honest, because what happened when she was honest with her dad, he fucking blew his top. So she learned, she was taught, she was emotionally conditioned and anchored to not being honest.
Nothing worked and I felt like a failure for not being able to open her up.
Again, a normal, healthy woman is going to be that way. If you guys saw any of the videos with Katie, it’s like never once in 20 something years I’ve known her has she ever raised her voice, or gotten angry, or been nasty, or been rude or disrespectful to me. Because that’s what her parents dote on each other. They absolutely adore one another.
They would never speak that way to one another because it would be unloving and unkind. But a woman who grows up in that kind of environment like this girl did is like, that’s normal. And if you don’t provide that chaos, she’s going to create it that she can’t help but create it. It’s like you can’t make good wine from bad grapes. This is again, this is the vetting process. This should be common sense.
9. She had so many male orbiters that I could not even keep track of them by the end.
It’s like. Again, her family. It’s like, hey, if you’re down, if you’re into somebody, go fuck them. Because, hey, family sticks together, right? Even if you’re lying to each other and cheating on each other. Family sticks together no matter how bad you fuck each other over. You can’t work with that. Is that the kind of people?
I mean the other thing you got to consider is knowing what her parents are like. Would you want them to be grandparents to your kids? I certainly wouldn’t. I wouldn’t want grandparents teaching my kids to lie and cheat all the time, or to think that losing their shit and being emotionally hijacked is normal behavior. I wouldn’t put up with that.
I tried enforcing healthy boundaries, but at the end of the day, I was using my knowledge of your book to change her, instead of using it to bounce her out of my life.
Well, you did come to me after you were already too far down the road.
She broke things off and I am in a lot of pain. I realize she did me a massive favor as I was completely clouded with love, and it was just a matter of time before I dumped her myself. Now one month into No Contact, I’m realizing that she displayed traits of borderline personality disorder and an avoidant attachment style.
She’s just messed up. Dude, this is so. This should be so obvious that this is not somebody to get into a relationship with. This is why understanding or learning about the family dynamic early on can be really helpful to you in order to evaluate her character.
I would be honored if you featured this email to help other guys out there in my situation and show the importance of actually applying what you teach.
At the end of the day, I do view this as a success. I managed to lose my virginity and date the kind of woman I would only dream of once dating.
Best regards,
Bob
Well, I’m sure you had a great connection and you had a lot of fun together. And as he said, the sex was incredible. Obviously he, what does he really know? Because I guess that’s the only girl he’s been with yet. He did lose his virginity. But character is destiny. And her dad did a bad job. Her parents did a bad job. They’re still doing a bad job. And interacting and being around women like this it’s like, you’re not going to change her and the whole family. That’s just that’s an insane uphill battle. It’s just not going to work. Because no matter how much progress she makes, the family is going to be causing her to backslide. Again, it’s like you have to see this as it is and dip on out.
So if you guys haven’t already signed up for our Members Only Content on YouTube or Spotify or on my Website. In the video description underneath, if you’re watching this on YouTube, there are links to sign up for the paid Members Only Content. And so I’m doing six additional paid Members Only Video Newsletters per week, in addition to the five free ones that we normally release. Plus we have the 3% Man and the Mastering Yourself Podcasts Study Groups that I do with the Girls who’ve gone through The Book.
And so, we go page by page and discuss The Book at detail and at length. And this is an ongoing series. So when we get to the end of The Book, guess what? We’re going to go back to the beginning and then we’re going to do it again, just like you guys do 10 to 15 reads we’re going to go through The Book 10 to 15 times, and we’ll have different people come in and sit with us. Different guys, different girls sit in as we do this. It’s meant to be an additional teaching tool. Plus we have special Members Only Content like the one that we did.
People were asking my opinion or what’s going on with in the war with Israel and Hamas. And so we did kind of like a little mini documentary on that with lots of clips, lots of stuff from Arabs in the Middle East and leaders of Saudi Arabia, United Arab Emirates and stuff that most people haven’t seen before and don’t know about. I did write about that a lot in Mastering Yourself. And also you get the Members Only Podcast version of the Viewer Questions.
Because normally we film Viewer Questions 12 to 15 at a time and then we release those individual videos. But you guys been asking, “hey, where can we watch the whole podcast?” So we included that as well as part of the Members Only Content. And so, if you go to my Website, UnderstandingRelationships.com and click the “plans” tab, that’s going to be at the top of your screen on the navigation bar at the top, and you sign up for the annual plan and pay up front. You get a 25% discount, which is basically, I guess, about three months free.
So that’s pretty pretty awesome deal. And also if you sign up on the Website, you of course get the Email Analysis that goes with the Video Newsletters. If you’re just okay with just watching videos, only you can Subscribe on YouTube and watch the YouTube Video Members Only. Or you can Subscribe on Spotify and watch the Members Only Content there.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.