The Purpose Of The No Contact Rule & When To Apply It
The purpose of the no contact rule, when it’s proper to apply it and when it’s not.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss two different emails from two different viewers. The first email is from a viewer who asks if the no contact rule is BS, because he started applying it to women he hadn’t been out on dates with yet.
The second email is from a guy who got dumped and blocked on all social media by his girlfriend back in December. Recently, after his third date with a new girl he’s really starting to like, his ex got back in touch, but he still is in shock and hasn’t responded. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.
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So, we’ve got one email where really the no contact rule doesn’t even apply because the guy hadn’t even been out on dates with these girls yet. And then the second email is a guy, which is the perfect situation for the no contact rule, and it’s typically where most guys are when they’ve gotten dumped and they don’t want to be dumped, or they got stuck in friendzone, they don’t want to be in friendzone and they can’t get out of it. So, we’ve got two good contrasts, when to use it and when to not use it, when it applies and when it doesn’t really apply.
First Viewer’s Email:
Is the no contact rule BS? I met a girl online, a gorgeous red head, (I know you like them). I scheduled a date, and she cancelled a day before because she had a family emergency.
Typically, as I talk about in “3% Man,” it’s usually not a good sign when a woman cancels a date at the last minute, especially if it’s for a BS reason. I mean, at 52, I’ve been around the block and I’ve interacted with, who knows how many, people I’ve met over the course of my life, but most people do the opposite of what they say. In other words, their words and actions are not a match. And so, what you’re really looking for — and this includes with your peer group, your friends, the people you spend time with, as well as the women you date — you want somebody whose words and actions are a match. And me, personally, my go to is I assume when somebody tells me something, they’re probably full of crap until I see what their actions are. Just because the reality is, with most people, their words and their actions are just not a match.
And so, when you have a cancelled date at the last minute, especially if it sounds like a BS reason, typically you’re looking at it from the perspective of, if they really wanted to see you, if they really value you and your time, they’re going to keep that appointment. And if they just casually blow you off, then it just shows they don’t value you or your time. And if you continue to engage with people that don’t value you or your time, you’re inviting them to continue to abuse you. So, you want to set and enforce healthy boundaries.
Typically, if a woman’s cancelling a date at the last minute and she really does want to see you, she’ll bring up rescheduling in the conversation. And if she does, then you’ll make plans. If she doesn’t bring up rescheduling, then you just leave it. You say, “Alright, no problem. We’ll just do it some other time.” And the reason you throw the “some other time” out there is to see what she does with it. If she’s like, “Oh, I can’t make. It had a family emergency,” you’re like, “Oh, really sorry to hear that. That sucks. Give me a call when your schedule frees up,” or “We’ll just do it some other time, then.” Especially if it sounds like a BS reason. You just say, “Oh, no problem, we’ll do it some other time.” And if she really wanted to see you, she’d be like, “No, no!” If it’s a BS reason and she’s trying to cancel it, in other words, to see how committed you are to it, then she’ll back up and say, “Oh okay, I’ll make that time, or “Well, let me see if I can move some things around and then keep our date,” or whatever.
The point being is you do the takeaway in that particular case. Because, if she’s communicating that she really isn’t excited, I mean, why would you want to go spend time with and spend money on somebody that’s not excited to see you? I personally wouldn’t. When you’re younger and you don’t know any better, you typically will go along with those things, and the net effect with the overwhelming majority of them is you get your time wasted, and your money wasted for that matter.
And so, you’re trying to cut down on that, because you want to make sure you spend your time with people that really want to be there. Just like a salesman, when they make a sales appointment, they don’t want to be sitting down with a tire kicker — somebody that has no credit, has no income, doesn’t have the money to buy whatever they want to buy. Because if you’re wasting your time with a tire kicker, then that takes away from your ability to be selling to people that are ready, willing, able and open to buying what you’re selling. It’s important not to let other people waste your time, because your time is the greatest gift you can give anybody, and so, don’t let people waste it.
So, when she cancelled for a family emergency, it could be something that’s totally legit. It depends on how much information she gives you. But a good way to handle that, especially if there’s no mention of any kind of rescheduling, is “Oh, man, I’m really sorry to hear. That’s terrible. Well, I’d love to see you. Why don’t you get in touch when everything’s settled down, and we can get together then.” Because dating is like tennis. You want to make sure that she really wants to see you as well. And if she really is remorseful for breaking a date, and she keeps her word, she’ll get in touch with you.
Especially if you tell her to get in touch once things settle down and she says, “Oh, yeah, I will, definitely.” Well, she just told you she was going to do something. So, now you’ve given her the opportunity for her words and her actions to be a match. And if you never hear from her again, then obviously she didn’t miss you, she wasn’t sad or remorseful about not going out on a date with you. And number two, she didn’t keep her word, so it doesn’t matter. Why invite people into your life who casually tell you things that they don’t follow through on? You’re just inviting more of that behavior.
I told her to send me a message once things get under control. I haven’t heard from her in almost a week, so I thought that there is no way she would send me a message.
So, in other words, he couldn’t handle it. He couldn’t handle waiting until she did what she said she was going to do. He didn’t give her the space. Typically, you need about two weeks to really see, unless it’s some kind of catastrophic thing. If about two weeks have gone by and you never heard from her, you probably won’t hear from her again. But he didn’t wait.
I sent her a message asking how she’s doing. She said things are still messy, so I didn’t try setting up a date.
So, in that case, I would assume more likely, that family emergency excuse probably was legit. But he couldn’t hold out and wait, so he doesn’t really know. And the issue is, if you tell a woman to get in touch with you when things settle down and then you wait a few days, or in this case a week, and then you get back to her, you weren’t congruent with your words. You said one thing and you did another. And no one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do.
After we finished texting, I realized that this was BS because there is no way she didn’t go out in a week. She just didn’t want to go out with me bad enough.
There you go. And hence, why in this case, if you told her to get in touch when things settle down, you didn’t wait for her to do that so you could tell if something’s off.
After a few days, I said fuck it, I’ve got nothing to lose, so I set up another date with her.
So, enough time had passed and she made a date.
She agreed. I thought she would flake, so I didn’t expect her to show up. To my surprise, we ended up meeting and having amazing sex on the first date, and I’m meeting her again in two days.
This is the other thing that you’ll see happen in these situations, is that when you do that, when you’re saying things and then not being congruent with your words, and then you’re overeager to get together soon, what happens is this is where guys get themselves into trouble. They think, “Hey, everything’s going great,” and then they get two or three weeks in, the girl gets really comfortable. Because there’s little signs where she pushes on you and tests you, and you flail around. And then what happens is, then they start jerking you around just to see what you do, just to mess with you. Then that’s where the guys start chasing and pursuing, and then they get blown off.
So, the idea is we’re trying to create the conditions where you space these things out, where you’re taking your time. Because if you’re a busy professional and you have other choices and other options, you’re going to be in no rush to get together with anybody, because you know that people can hide who they really are for about the first 90 days of a relationship. And it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear, so we’re taking measured steps. We’re slowly moving into the courtship, here.
Because it worked with her, I tried breaking no contact on another girl, and we also ended up having sex on the first date, so basically great success with both of them. What the hell happened? Why did it work?
Well, at the end of the day, this is really not a situation for the no contact rule anyway. The no contact rule typically applies, and you’ll see that in the next email, when somebody was in a relationship, like the next guy. I mean, he got blocked on all social media. Not only did he get dumped and two weeks later she was with another guy, but she blocked him on all social media. So, it’s counterproductive to keep chasing somebody that’s literally blocking you from contacting them.
But in these particular cases, these women, for whatever reason, jerked them around. The first one had a family emergency. It seems like it was legit, but he didn’t hold out for a couple of weeks. And so, if he’s not that into this girl or not super into her, it might not really matter. But where it really does matter is when he does this with a girl he really likes, and then he starts doing the opposite of the things that I teach and being overly aggressive and pursuing too much. And then, what happens is he gets really emotionally invested, and then the woman starts to recognize that he’s way more into her than she is in him. And then when she starts to back off a little bit because she’s starting to feel smothered, he loses his shit.
Thanks for all the information, by the way, it really changed my dating life. Your book and videos are fantastic, and I’m not trying to claim you don’t know what you’re talking about, because obviously you do.
So, it’ll be interesting to see what happens down the road. But really, no contact doesn’t apply to somebody you haven’t even been out on a date with. And if a girl has high interest, you can get away with things like he did. But it will be interesting to see what happens several weeks later. We’re trying to create the conditions where you put yourself in the best possible position of leverage, because you don’t want to come off as needy and insecure and desperate. That’s how you get friendzoned and blown off and blue balls.
Second Viewer’s Email:
I’ve been a follower of your work since I was dumped in December. Long story short, we were together for 6 months; it was short but intense. I thought everything was perfect until I was suddenly dumped a few days before Christmas.
Yeah, most guys never see it coming. And then, obviously, getting dumped before the holidays, that really sucks.
She got with a new dude two weeks later and blocked me on all forms of contactable social media.
That’s what happens. You’re just going along in la-la land, you think everything’s great. Meanwhile, the girl is not that into you, and she’s lining up your replacement behind your back. You get dumped and you’re all torn up about it, and then she’s with a new guy two weeks later. That stings like hell.
She was the first relationship after my marriage, and I was an idiot for thinking everything was perfect. I went on a downward spiral and did some stupid things, but since then, I’ve read your book a couple times, (more to follow), and got my life back on track. I’m hitting the gym and my body looks good. I’m starting to get a lot more attention from girls than I ever have. I’m in the British Army, and I’m gregarious. I’ve slept with 8 women since January, compared to 10 in the entire previous decade, (which isn’t a brag, but merely to show how your work has changed how women view me).
I have a third date set up with someone else this week. We’ve already slept together, and she has hinted that she really likes me. Life seems to be on the up… then bang. The girl who dumped me messaged me saying, and I quote, “I know I’m the last person you want to hear from, but I hope you are doing well, x.”
That’s typically what happens. As soon as you start moving on, things are going great, you’re finally putting the other girl in the rear view mirror, you feel emotionally good, and then boom, she reaches out. That’s how it always tends to work. Right when you think you’ve got it all together.
It’s almost as if my life has just been put on pause since that moment. I haven’t opened or replied to the message, but it is taking every ounce of willpower. I don’t want to mess the other girl around who I’m dating, but I feel like I’ve finally kicked my addiction, for someone to come and dangle the drug back in front of my nose once more. My friends have all advised that I block the ex and kick her to the streets. Rationally, I know that is what I should do, but I find myself unable.
Well, the reality is women don’t just meet a new guy and two weeks later they’re in a relationship. She lined that dude up while you thought you were both exclusive. When her interest drops, that’s what she does. She has no problem talking to other guys. And so, if you’re on your game and your game is tight, she’ll probably be all over you. But as soon as you slip up and you display unattractive behavior, she’s going to be doing things out of integrity, because she has no integrity.
Despite the fact she has come back, and the power completely lies with me now, I feel powerless. No other girl in my life can get so far into my head with one simple message.
Would love to hear your thoughts on this,
Well, what is your outcome? Do you want a long term, exclusive, monogamous relationship? Because I wouldn’t do it with somebody that monkey branches from you to another guy while she’s in a relationship with you. Because, as soon as you slip up in the future, this is what she’s going to do again. And so, this particular girl, the ex of yours, will be a friends of benefits, fuck buddy, sex playmate. And it’s somebody that I would always wear a condom with, because they’re obviously promiscuous, and they don’t value loyalty, monogamy and exclusivity when you look at their actions.
But it’s your life, you do what you want. And you’ve got a new girl, too. But it depends on how much you like the new girl. So, if all of your friends are telling you to block the ex, there’s probably a lot more to the story and they don’t like her. The reality is, if you take her back, all the things that turned you off about her in the past are still there. She’s still the same person. But it’s your life. Put your big boy pants on and make a decision for you.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
“The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it and never look back. When someone is unwilling to treat you the way you want to be treated in a personal relationship or when someone is unwilling to compromise in a negotiation with terms that are acceptable to you, then you walk away and never look back. They will either contact you to meet your terms or let you go forever. You don’t get what you deserve in life, only what you negotiate.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne