The Art Of Romantic Negotiation When Trying To Get Her Back
How to win the art of romantic negotiation when trying to get her back.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who says he won his girlfriend back about six months ago after they took a few months break. Things have been rocky ever since, but he says he feels like he’s improved a lot. She just dumped him and left town out of state to live with family. He goes no contact, she reaches out, then he loses all his leverage in the romantic negotiations by caving and she still won’t come to see him.
He doesn’t see what he’s doing wrong. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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This particular email is from a viewer who says he won his girlfriend back about six months ago after they took a few months break, and he said things have been rocky ever since, but he feels that he’s improved a lot. So apparently he was thinking they were making progress and just recently, she dumped him and moved out of state to go live with family. He goes no contact. Then she reaches out. They have some negotiations about getting together.
Remember, the strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. His problem? He’s not really willing to stand up for himself and what he believes in. So he vacillates back and forth between saying one thing and doing one another. You have to be willing to stand your ground, especially in this case, because the only way you can repair a relationship and get another chance is if both people want to make it work. If the other person does not want to make it work, it’s not fixable. That’s just a fact of life.
In this particular case, if somebody dumped you and has moved across the country to go live with family, well they messed it up. They’re the one that unilaterally said, “This is the end of it. I’m not willing to make any effort.” Then your attitude should be, “Well, I don’t want to break up. I want to continue working on a relationship, but I’m not going to stop you if you want to leave and go.” That’s it. You let them go, you don’t call, you don’t text for any reason. You got to be congruent with that because again, the strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away. Most importantly, you have to mean it, and this guy doesn’t really mean what he says. So I would say that’s probably part of the problem. It looks like it’s pretty clear he got dumped because of a lot of really unattractive behavior. He’s improved, but at the end of the day, she’s still left for whatever the same reasons were, which she wasn’t real specific about, but let’s see what we can see here.
Viewer Email:
Corey the GOAT,
I need some help and advice.
I won my girlfriend back six months ago after we took a few month break from dating after a few years and it’s been rocky these last six. Same issues plaguing us as the past even though I feel like I’ve improved a bit.
He doesn’t elaborate on what the issues are.
Just recently, she packed up and left town. She moved back home out of state three weeks ago and has been stringing me along since.
Well, you should be following the script that’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. Plus, you got to read 3% Man. You cannot cherry pick stuff from videos and think you’re going to be successful. I suspect that’s probably what’s been going on. He started following me many months ago when he got dumped the first time. He’s just trying to cherry pick stuff in videos. He got some attainable success. He got her back. Since he really didn’t take the time to take this seriously and learn the material, now he’s right back where he started, because he probably reverted as soon as he got comfortable back to a lot of the same unattractive behavior that got him dumped in the first place. The fact he talks about her stringing him along, he’s got the mindset of he needs to get her attention, he needs another chance with her, when in reality she’s the one that left. If she left, she fucked it up. She’s got to fix it. You can’t fix anything unless the other person is willing to work with you.
She’s confused and does not know what she wants, one week she doesn’t want to move back, and the next she tells me she does.
Well, that’s how women are. They’re like cats. Typically, when a woman is confused, it’s probably because you’re smothering her, you’re calling or your texting her. If you got dumped, you should not be calling and texting her at all. Your attitude should be, “Well, I’m not going to stop you from leaving, but if you leave, you’re not going to hear from me again. If you want to work things out, I’d love to, but if you’re going to move three states away, I wish you all the best. I don’t want to hear from you unless you really want to make the effort to win me back or get another chance.” That should be your attitude. Instead, he’s groveling and begging. It’s like a supplicating beta male trying to get her to pay attention to him. If you’re acting that way, you’re acting weak, and of course, she’s not going to feel safe and comfortable enough to come see you.
Two weeks ago, she told me to let her go, and I did with no contact for a few days and she texted that she missed me and was thinking of me just a few days later.
That’s why you go no contact, so she can experience life without you.
I followed up with, “Well, get on a plane this week and come back,” in which she agreed to, but then had cold feet the night before her return, which really made me upset.
I would have just said, “Well, why don’t you just hop on a plane and come see me?” You don’t say, “Come back and let’s get back into a relationship.” Just say, “Hop on a plane and come see me for the weekend,” and then you hang out, have fun and hook up. As I discussed in 3% Man, your job in the courtship is to create an opportunity for sex to happen. Hang out, have fun while you’re hanging out and hook up when the signs are there that she’s ready to be touched, ready to be kissed, ready to be seduced.
You never try to keep somebody that doesn’t want to keep you. If she’s the one that left, she has to be the one to come back. If she fucked it up, she’s got to fix it. What this guy is trying to do is trying to fix it when he should be creating the conditions where she does all the calling, texting and pursuing and reaching out to him, but he’s not doing that. He’s not maintaining self-control. I would say that is partly why she left in the first place, because he’s not masculine consistently, he’s not the leader in the relationship consistently, and she just didn’t feel safe and comfortable with him. That’s why she left. She doesn’t trust his masculine core and doesn’t trust his leadership. You getting upset and madder when she changes her mind, that’s probably why she changed her mind, because you get mad, you get upset, you get butt-hurt and you get angry.
Masculinity is calm. Your attitude should be, “I’d love to see you. If you can’t make it, you change your mind, hey maybe next time.”
Her reasoning was that, “Nothing is going to change.”
Well, if you’re continuing to pursue her after she dumped you, and especially when a woman says she’s confused and you’re continuing to reach out to her, that tells me you’re smothering her and you’ve been over-pursuing. So the reason why she says nothing is going to change is because she gave you six months, and although you said you made some better changes overall, she doesn’t feel that your behavior has changed enough. That’s what happens when you half ass it and you don’t follow instructions. You just try to cherry pick a few videos and copy and paste something that I say in a video to fix things. It’s not going to work.
I groveled and tried to get her to change her mind, but she didn’t.
Yeah, it’s like you got no power. Again, you’re begging her to give you another chance when in reality your attitude should should be, “Hey, I’m going to move on with my life and find a girl who really does want to be with me and who will fight for us, who will fight to make an effort. Not a girl who’s just going to hop on a plane and fly to the other side of the country.”
Women vote with their feet. If she’s with you, it means she voted for you. Chasing after her and groveling, again this is not what I teach. You’re doing the opposite of it. Again, that tells me you’re a cherry picker, and this blew up in your face because you didn’t take it seriously when I say read the book 10 to 15 times and follow the script that’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, which you’re clearly not doing, so you’re being a really shitty negotiator.
If you guys have ever bought a car, what typically happens? “Well, I want to pay $25,000.” “Well, we want $30,000.” “I only got $25,000.” “Well, finance the $5,000.” “No, I got 25,000. That’s it. If you’re not willing to sell me the car for $25,000, I’ll go find somebody else that has a similar car, and I’ll spend the $25,000 there.” “Well, we can’t do it. Sorry. We can’t live on that. That’s below our invoice.” “OK, call me if you change your mind,” and you leave the dealership. You don’t call, you don’t say, “Hey, do you still got that car? I still want to make a deal.” You don’t do that. The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it, and this guy has never walked away and meant it. That tells me you’re a bitch. She knows you’re a bitch. That’s why she says nothing is going to change. You’re still a bitch. You’ve been a bitch. That’s why she dumped you six months ago. That’s why she dumped you again. That’s why she didn’t hop on the plane to come see you, because you’re still acting like a bitch. That’s just a fact of life.
I can tell from the words that she’s saying, and the fact that you’re admitting to groveling and chasing her when she dumped you is like, you’re not applying anything that you may have learned from me. You cherry picked enough in the beginning, but then as soon as you thought you were on easy street, you went right back to the same behavior that got you dumped in the first place. Now you’re still displaying the same behavior that got you dumped. She’s not going to come back when you act like this. It’s totally unattractive.
I went the weekend without contacting her and spoke to her briefly today on FaceTime…
Meaning he called her again. You’re not going to chase a woman back into your life when you chased her out of it. It does not work. If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’re going to continue to get what you’ve always got and doing more of the same behavior that got you blown off and dumped and cause your girlfriend to flee from you is not going to make her want to hop on a plane and come back. She doesn’t feel safe because you’re not strong enough. You’re not strong enough to just let her be.
…Inviting her to meet me somewhere fun for July 4th…
Now, instead of having her come to him, he’s like, “Oh, I’ll fly to you.” This is terrible negotiation. You’re giving up any leverage that you had.
…As I didn’t want to invite her back here as that hasn’t worked.
Again, if you’re not going to follow what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back and what’s in my book, I can’t help you. Nothing I say is going to matter because you’re not going to do it.
The ball is in her court, I told her I wanted to book something tonight and she’s yet to let me know if she’ll be joining me. Leave it at that and see if she gets back to me?
Yep!
Terrible idea hitting her up tomorrow with a follow up?
Thanks for the help,
Bob
Yep! Dude, you cannot pursue a woman who left you into coming back. It does not work. Again, you should see this. You got to let her be. You have to let her do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing. You wait to hear from her, then just invite her to come see you for the weekend. Now, instead of having her come to you, now you’re like, “Oh, I’ll fly to you.” This is why she dumped you in the first place, because you’re a fucking pussy. That’s why she wants a man, not a pussy.
The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it, and you don’t mean it. You’re not willing to stand up for yourself and what you want and let her be. When a woman says she’s confused and you keep reaching out, it’s just like when a woman says, “I need space.” You’re smothering her to the point where you literally chase this woman out of your life and you’re still running after her, and then you send me an email going, “Hey, should I text her again tomorrow?” You want a restraining order? Do you want her to block you? Because what you’re doing is going to lead to that. Eventually, she’ll block you or you’ll find out she’s fucking Chad Thundercock or somebody else, and then that’ll really blow up in your face. You’re not going to be successful with this approach, man. It just does not work.
You got to read the book 10 to 15 times, and you got to learn what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back and you got to have the balls to follow it. If you don’t have the balls to follow it, then you might as well go watch some cartoons or something, or watch the grass grow, or listen to the trees blow in the wind because it’s a waste of time. If you’re not willing to listen and implement what works, and if you’re happy with the results you’re getting, then by all means keep doing what you’re doing.
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