How to master the art of letting women earn your attention in long term relationships to increase attraction.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a 27 year old viewer who is coming out of the honeymoon phase with his girlfriend of six months. He said it all seemed to change once they got serious and he says he fell hard for her. They spend typically 5 days a week together and he can tell she is not as into him as she was in the past.
He’s obviously worried and wonders what to do to get her enthusiasm and butterflies back. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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This email is from a guy who’s been a long term follower. He says seven years he’s been following me and he’s currently 27. Like most guys that come to me, he came to me after an ex left him. So he remained single for about four and a half years and he since dated and slept with a bunch of women in those years while single. He’s read 3% Man five times or six times, which he knows is not enough.
He’s been dating this girl. He’s been in a relationship for about six months now, and he can tell she doesn’t have the same butterflies that she used to. In other words, he’s just coming out of the honeymoon period. I can also tell, because I’ve been through his email, that he said it wasn’t until things got really serious he probably got a little dopey and a little too available, a little too nice, a little too compliant, because he was really into her and he gave a bunch of his power away. Now he notices that she backs off and she’s not, even though they see each other five times a week.
Usually he can tell she’s not as excited in his love and his passion about him as she used to be. This is why I say you got to read the book 10–15 times. What’s super important? You can’t just read it, you have to apply it. The idea is you should be reading it while you are applying it and continually going through it. It’s not going to help you to read the book 20 years and then not even apply anything for a year or two, because you’re going to forget most of it. You read it, you apply it, you get feedback, things go well, things don’t go well, and each time you go through the book, you start to pick up on little errors you made. Maybe your mindset was off, or you just communicated things that really made you look weak, because you’ve got to remember, the most important thing that women find attractive in men is confidence. It is a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear.
As I’ve said many times, it’s in my book. The quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours. For a man that’s in a long term relationship, whether it’s just a girlfriend or a wife, and especially if you’ve given the power away to the wife or the girlfriend, and you made her the leader in the relationship, and she can feel and she thinks because you made it clear to her that you’re way more into her than she’s into you, typically, you’re going to get that kind of behavior where you can tell there’s just not as much enthusiasm.
This is why it’s so critically important as men that we focus on our mission and our purpose, as well as our relationships outside of our intimate relationship with our significant other. Whether it’s your relationship with your parents, your close friends or your clients, your hobbies, your interests you have to continue to be the well-rounded guy that you were when she fell in love with you.
I’ve been doing this for almost 20 years, and when I see guys that have problems, especially in long term relationships, it’s always the same two things that they do. They stop dating and courting her and they don’t make her feel heard and understood. Also, if the guy starts giving his power away and acting weak and reverting. If a guy doesn’t take the time to really read and learn the book and implement it while he’s dating and master it, then after a few years of being together, what’s going to typically happen is they backslide into the old behavior.
Especially those guys like myself used to be one of them. Where you act too beta. You act too soft. You act too compliant. You tolerate little tests or signs of disrespect without standing up for yourself. She starts to feel like you’re weak and she can push you around. Then she tries to push you around harder and you let her get away with it. She does it more, her attraction starts to drop, she starts to back away and she shows less enthusiasm.
The greatest gift you can give anybody is going to be the gift of your time, and if the person that you’re with is not valuing your time, then you go give your time to other people. If you’re in a relationship and you got kids and you want to do something and your wife is grumpy and she doesn’t really want to go and do anything with you, you don’t sit around the house with the kids. You’re like, “Hey, you’re the driver of the fun bus.” “All right, we’ll hang out and I’m going to take the kids. We’re going to go have fun,” and then you go have fun without her and laugh and joke.
Typically what happens is a few hours later, she’ll call you up. “What are you guys doing?” “We’re having a blast.” You put the kids on the phone, “Mommy, this is great. We’re having so much fun,” and she sees everybody’s having fun and she’s at home sulking and not having fun. Then what happens? She gets in her car and comes and meets you and joins the fun bus. That’s the way it’s supposed to be. The fun bus leaves and it goes on its roots and it goes on its journey no matter what.
She can come with you, or if she doesn’t seem to care, then you’re going to take other people on the fun bus with you, because you’re going to spend your time with people who are nice to you, who value you, who appreciate you when you’re taken for granted, when in this case, when you notice your girl is not paying as much attention to you and the power is flipped like it has in this relationship, where she definitely is too comfortable and she can tell that he’s more into her than she’s into him, that’s why absence makes the heart grow fonder. So you need to be doing more things without her.
You always see her five times a week. Well, maybe next week you should only see her two or three times because you’re going to be a dick, but just because you’re going to make plans to do other things without her or with. Go see your mother or whatever happens to be or your parents or other family members. Get your ass back in the gym if you’ve slacked off, which is typical. It’s easy when you’re in a long term relationship to just be like, “All right, I’ll go tomorrow.” Next thing you know, you haven’t been to the gym in three months and your clothes are shrinking and are loose fitting again.
You got to do the little things. This is what caused her to fall in love. It’s. Women are attracted to competence and confidence in men. Where guys go wrong in long term relationships is they go from being competent to displaying incompetence, and they often make the mistake of making the woman the mommy in their relationship instead of them continuing to be the leader. Then slowly, the woman loses respect and she loses attraction, and then she stops taking care of herself. She cuts all of her hair off because now she’s been forced into her masculine. She stops wearing makeup, she gains a bunch of weight, or she doesn’t lose the baby weight because she doesn’t feel any threat, especially if the husband is.
The husband is blown up as well, and he’s gotten big, and women don’t pay as much attention to him as they used to when he was fit and trim and shape when they were younger. Just something simple, like taking care of yourself and continuing to look fit because the reality as a man, as you get older, and especially if you’re in relationship with a woman that’s closer to your age and you stay fit and in shape, and maybe she puts on some weight as you stay fit and in shape, and you’re very active socially and you go out, what’s going to happen is you’re going to notice other women are going to pay attention to you. They’re going to look at you, they’re going to look at your wife or your girlfriend, and they’re going to think, “Why is he with her? I’m better looking than she is,” and they’ll communicate their interest to you. Then your wife or your girlfriend will see that.
The reality is, even though women complain about it and often will deny it, they like you more if other women are into you as well. So with that said, let’s go through his email.
I’ve been a long time follower, nearly seven years. I am currently 27. I discovered your work when my ex left me for another man.
That sucks, but hey, at least you found it, and you’re coming to me before things get bad with your girl, which is important, instead of waiting until she’s already left and with somebody else. Those are much, much harder problems to fix. Often times, especially if she’s cheated, you don’t want to take her back anyways.
I acted needy and insecure towards the end and basically drove her into another man’s arms. I since read your book six or so times (Weak number, I know)…
Well, that’s part of the problem. You’re right, because you’re having trouble maintaining attraction in your long term relationship. So you’ve been following me for seven years. So I would have to imagine you didn’t just read the book six times this year. You probably read it years ago.
So without realizing it, there’s a lot of things you’ve forgotten and you don’t didn’t even know because you stopped reading the book a long time ago. The videos are not a substitution. The videos are there to help you implement what’s in the book, but if you don’t take the time to learn what’s in the book, you’re sometimes going to misapply what’s in the videos to your situation because it’s not so copy and paste, which a lot of guys try to do because they’re lazy and they just want a shortcut.
“I’ve seen a magic pick up line. Corey, I just need a magic phrase to fix my relationship.” It doesn’t work that way. You have to be consistent and you have to be disciplined. If you don’t take the time to learn the book, then eventually you’re going to get rejected for these same exact reasons that other women rejected you.
This guy’s problem, which he’s already admitted, is that he’s needy and he tends to pursue too much when you’re needy, because when you’re needy, deep down, you don’t feel worthy of being with your girl. You worry that she’s going to want to stay with you, or she may choose somebody else. So you call too much, you text too much, you try too hard. I would say, because I’ve already been through this guy’s email, there’s probably a lot of that going on here as well as he’s giving his power away because he doesn’t know the book as well. So he’s still driven mostly by fear, and he’s still making the same mistakes that he’s always made.
So once she realized that he was more into her than she was in him, she backed off, which is predictable. When she backs off, more than likely he pursues more because again, he’s needy. He didn’t take the time to read the book 10–15 times and really master it. Now he’s behind the eight ball trying to catch up because he’s already noticed that she’s not as into him and doesn’t have the butterflies that she did in the beginning.
…And listen to your videos almost daily as its therapeutic. I remained single for 4.5 years and dated/slept with a bunch of women in those years while single and eventually found one I really clicked with who put in more than enough effort than I could ask for and it caused me to fall hard for her as she made me feel wanted on another level that no other girl could never achieve. I played it cool at first, and she couldn’t get enough of me.
When I hear ,”played it cool,” that’s that’s the kind of thing guys say. They don’t really know the book that well, and it’s like a game, and you’re coming off like a robot at times because you don’t know the book, and you’re cheating basically by trying to cheat the system, by just trying to cherry pick videos because it’s much easier to watch a 10, 15, 20 minute video, then go through a book that if you’re just going to read it normally, it’s going to take about seven, 7.5 hours on a normal audio book. Unless, of course, you put it on to speed, then you can get through it in about four hours.
The best way is to listen to the book and to speed while you follow along in a physical or a digital copy so you can get it in your head. So you’ve got to read the book, dude, there’s just no shortcuts to success. When I do these emails and the guys are struggling, it’s just there’s always they either haven’t read the book or only read it a few times, or they read it years ago. This guy’s following me seven years, and he’s only read the book six times, and I would venture to guess that it’s probably been a long time since he’s even been through the book. So we got into this relationship when it was a long time since he even read it. And that’s on him. Got to be disciplined. There’s no shortcuts to success.
The tables turned when things started to get serious, and at first I was seeing her once or twice a week and sometimes having sex as much as five times on the days I saw her (Made me feel 18 again lol), but now six months in, we are to the point where we see each other as much as 4–5 days a week, and though we are both seriously committed to each other, I notice she slightly pulled back due to how much we see each other.
I’d say probably that, and also she can tell that you’re a little needy. You’re more into her than she is to you.
I know the “art of pulling back” but I have basically programed her at this point to expect to see me as much as she does…
See? He’s afraid of her now. “I’m afraid to back off court, because what if she doesn’t like me as much?”
…And I feel that is a big reason the spark has died down.
Well, if you continue to over-pursue her, you’ll literally chase her out of your life. This is his pattern. This is what he’s always done in the past, which he’s admitted he tends to pursue too much. Since he hasn’t been through the book, he’s now over-pursuing and he probably doesn’t think he is at all.
Just the fact that he says he’s aware of the art of pulling back, but he’s like, “She expects to see me five times a week, and I’m scared to do,” is basically what he’s saying, because I’m afraid of losing her and the fact that you’re afraid of losing her, she can sense that she can feel it when she tests you. She can tell and women like you more, even though you get 100 women in a room and you ask them this, they like you more.
If they think they’re more into you than you are into them, and women go, “Oh, it’s got to be 50/50. Corey, that’s not true.” It’s like, what works is what works, even though they deny it and they don’t like it. The bottom line is they emotionally respond to it. So if you always see her four or five days a week and the next week you should only see her two or three times, just be busy with other things and see how that does, because you want a woman to try to earn your time and attention.
If you give somebody something and they don’t really have to earn it, they don’t appreciate it as much. What you’re doing is you’re giving her more of your time and attention. Not necessarily because you want to, but because you’re afraid of losing her. Remember, what you fear you will attract. So if you’re driven by fear of losing your girl, you’ll chase more, you’ll call more, you pursue more, and you’ll be prone to let her walk all over you and treat you like a doormat, and which will cause her to lose respect and back away even more, which for the needy guy causes him to pursue more and chase more.
That’s your problem, but your awareness is not where it needs to be. Your sensory acuity is not where it needs to be because you haven’t been going through the book. You’ve been half-assing it and cherry picking in the videos. That’s just a fact of life.
I know you probably don’t want to hear it, but I’m not going to blow sunshine up your ass because you need to turn this around. If you keep on your path, you’re this girl is going to leave you for the same reason that all previous other girlfriends left you. Besides, just dating and hooking up with women is one thing, but being in a relationship and keeping them attracted is something completely different. So the fact he’s afraid to back off, afraid to go do other things without her, shows that he’s completely put his balls in a box and giving them to her.
Women don’t want the power in the relationship. Women are designed to get our attention, because they know we’re visual to get our attention. If you’re always in her face, she doesn’t ever have time and space away from you, to wonder about you, to miss you, to wonder where she stands with you, because you’ve made it so easy for her.
Scarcity creates value and you’re too abundant. It’s just like buying a girl a dozen roses.The first day she’s like, “Oh, this is great.” You say, “Oh, I got you a dozen roses for a month,” so every day you get a dozen roses delivered to you. First couple of days, it’s cute, it’s beautiful. Then after about week two, she’s like, “Stop giving me roses,” she’ll get mad at you. She is not going to appreciate it. Plus, it’s going to be a waste of your money. So if you give her roses maybe on Valentine’s Day or your anniversary or something, or maybe a special occasion, not because you pissed her off and you’re trying to apologize, but once or twice a year giving her roses, she will love it. She will really value it.
Scarcity creates value and you’re too abundant in her life. On top of that, you already revealed in your email that you’re scared to back off a little bit because you’re afraid of losing her and what you fear you attract. What you look at disappears, and so you have to get to the point where when you back off, you realize she comes to you. When you do that enough and you see that enough consistently, that will help you over time overcome your needy tendencies to over pursue.
We still hang out, have fun, and hook up, and she still initiates sex and hand holding and everything…
Yeah, everything that’s in the book is designed to make a woman chase you in every way, including physically. That’s what you want, because it’s always her idea then. If it’s her idea, you don’t have to worry about getting rejected.
…But I noticed she has seemed to tone down the flirtatiousness and teasing attitude and vibe that she used to carry with her while I was around. Almost like the butterflies are gone on her end by now.
My main question is, is this expected?
Well, the honeymoon period always ends, but when you act needy, of course that’s as predictable as the sun coming up in the east and setting in the west, and not reading the book 10–15 times and learning the material guarantees that over time, the longer you’re in a relationship, you’ll go back to your old ways.
If you don’t get serious about reading the book and learning it, what will happen in six months time? You’ll be doing 90% of the pursuing and you’ll be getting friend zoned, or she’ll blow you off and ghost you, or break off and then be dating somebody a week or two later. You cannot the the path that you are on. You are on a path to the end of your relationship if you don’t change your approach.
Are my expectations too high?
Your approach is fucked. You’re not following the instructions in the book. That’s what’s going on here. You’re not learning the book. You probably read it six times years ago before you even met this girl. So you’re rusty and you don’t know the information, and the videos are not a substitution for reading the book.
Or is there anything I can do to bring this back out of her?
Yeah, I would say for the next few weeks only see her two to three times a week because you want her to get a little frustrated that you’re not available, “I miss you, I want to see you.” Women value you more when they have to work to get your attention. What this tells me is based on how she’s showing up. Plus, what you’ve already revealed is you’re giving too much of your time and attention away to her, and you’re ignoring the fact she’s not appreciating it.
The quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours. This is all laid out in the book, and so she’s taking your attention for granted, and you’re not backing off because you’re afraid to back off. So you have to do what you fear. Again, that’s what looking at it means. What you fear, you attract, and what you look at disappears.
What’s happening is you’re afraid to go and back off and go and only see her two to three days a week. So you’re not about being a dick or anything, it’s just you’re going to make plans with other people and do other things and just not be available as much for the next couple of weeks and see what happens. Then she starts complaining about it, because if she doesn’t complain, it shows she doesn’t care that much. Once she starts to complain that you’re not spending as much time together, that’s what you want. You want her complaining that you’re not spending enough time together, so then you can make more dates with her.
This is the ebb and flow of a relationship. Women are like cats. This is the way they are, kitty cats. They sit in your lap. They want to be petted for a while, but once they get bored, they’re going to dip and you can’t run after them, which is obviously what you’re doing here because you’re giving your power away and it’s turning her off.
You’re violating obvious principles that are in the book. The reason you’re not seeing it is because you just haven’t taken the time to really learn the book, because you’re trying to cheat the system and only watch a few videos so you can copy and paste the right line or the right phrase or the right actions. It’s just not how it works, dude.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.