When a man should stick to his principles and when he should be flexible to prevent from losing his woman.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who says that sticking to his principles cost him his relationship of six months with his girlfriend. He says his now ex-girlfriend got upset about other women commenting on his Instagram pictures and wanted to know who they were.
After several discussions on the topic, they ended their relationship because of some unreasonable demands she made of him. He later regretted the breakup and contacted her after a month, but it didn’t go the way he expected. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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If you’re going to date somebody else, you’re bringing your friends, your family, your life, your lifestyle, the things you’re into, your hobbies, your interests, and so are they. And you’re going to run into conflicts. So, he ran into a conflict in his relationship, he stuck to his principles and it ended, but a month later he started regretting things. But as I went through this email, it was obvious he was way more into her than she was into him, and he seems to be totally oblivious to this fact.
A lot of men marry women who aren’t even in love with them and they have no idea this is happening. But obviously, the guys that have read my first book How To Be A 3% Man usually know better. Your interest level will blind you often to everything about the other person that you should be noticing and paying attention to.
I have been a fan of yours since a few years ago, listened to the audio book 6 times.
Several years you’ve been following me, and you’ve only read the book six times. So already, I can tell you’re not following instructions, because it says to read it 10–15 times so you know it backwards and forwards. So, that’s the first critique.
And thanks to it I met a wonderful woman. She had everything I love, I loved her too much.
What is that statement, “I loved her too much”? Come on, man. That basically says, “I loved her way more than she loved me.”
But after 6 months, we have broken up. I will tell you the case.
One morning, she told me “Who are those women who comment on my Instagram pictures?” (I am an architecture photographer, no pictures of me, not my face 100%, and 100% only professional pictures of buildings).
Seems innocent enough.
I told her they are only friends I have met during my life, no ex-dates, no anyone to whom I had a crush, only friends and colleagues and people I met during my life who happen to be women. (By the way, my male friends also click like, not only women.) She told me I must mute them and never click like in any of their pictures because it makes her feel not safe.
So, she’s getting insecure about an Instagram profile. I mean, architectural pictures? That tells me she’s a little insecure about herself, and that’s unreasonable that she expects you to mute every woman on your Instagram feed who tends to like your posts. That’s just absurd.
I told her I only click like in certain pictures of women purely to show support, not in any moment did I click like to flirt with anyone, I swear it.
So that would tell me, somewhere in her past, maybe she had somebody cheat on her, she’s a little insecure about it. It seems like it’s not a big deal. You should be able to get past a disagreement like this. Remember, as I talk about in “How To Be A 3% Man,” it’s always better if a woman thinks she likes you more than you like her. Women don’t dump guys that they’re head over heels in love with.
This caused a lot of discussions and still she didn’t agree, and she put me in the position of either mute my female friends on Instagram or ending the relationship. I told her I don’t care about social media, but those people are my friends, and to hide them is against my principles, no matter what platform, because those are people I care about.
If some of them are women, who cares, I don’t. They could be a dog, I still will show support to them, they just happen to be women.So, we ended it.
This is not somebody who is head over heels in love you and can’t live without you. And this is part of the problem of not reading the book 10–15 times. You read it enough to cherry-pick and get into her pants and get into a relationship, but you really didn’t understand the fundamentals.
It sounds almost like she was picking a fight with you in order to come up with a reason to break up with you. Because, like I said, there’s not much here that really shows she’s feeling the same thing about you that you felt about her. We’ll go back to that line in the beginning, “I loved her too much.” In other words, “I was way more into her than she was into me.”
I am a bit frustrated since sticking to my principles made me lose her. We stayed 1.5 month away from each other, and just this week I contacted her and she told me she just started dating a new guy and wants to see where it leads.
Boy, she really sounds distraught over the breakup, like she’s losing sleep over it. You were together with this girl for six fucking months, and a month and a half later, she’s already with somebody else. I could be wrong, but my Spidey sense says she was probably already lining up this other dude, probably talking to him while you guys were still together.
So, being the Sherlock Holmes detective that you kind of have to be in these situations, what’s going on here? She’s getting upset with him because he’s liking pictures of women on Instagram. Now, I don’t know if they’re bikini pictures or whatever — he didn’t really say or elaborate — but obviously she’s getting jealous. Now, why would she get jealous of something like that?
He’s like, “These are friends of mine. I haven’t dated any of these girls. I’m just showing support. It could be my aunt or my best friends wife and we all grew up together. I’m not going to mute her. That’s ridiculous.” But it tells me she’s insecure about him potentially cheating on her. Now, why would that be?
The only reason she’s going to get insecure and upset about is, remember, nobody will ever do or say anything to you that isn’t a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves in a moment. So, what’s really going on is she’s probably projecting her own insecurity onto him, because deep down she’s probably a little disloyal. Because we’re talking six weeks after they broke up, when they were together for six months, and already she’s now dating some other guy and wants to see where it goes with him.
So, she was probably lining up this other guy and used this Instagram thing as a reason, because women will do that to break up with guys. They’ll create a fight out of nothing so that you’ll have a big blowup, and then break up and go their separate ways and they can date whomever it is they’re talking to on the side.
I would say, what this really shows is that his ex-girlfriend is probably disloyal. And because, as he said, “I loved her too much,” he was completely blind to this. He probably pursued too much and she never fell completely head over heels in love with him. Because six months together, and she’s already with somebody a few weeks later. Her interest was really low when they broke up — way lower than he thought it was.
I’m sure there will be some jerk who says, “It’s always the guy’s fault, Corey.” Well, the guy is the one who wrote me the email and he asked for my opinion, so I’m giving him the unvarnished truth. It may be shocking, it may be unpleasant, it might not be nice, but I’m not here to be nice and blow sunshine up your asses. I’m here to tell you the way it is, to shake you back to reality. Because he’s got this chick on a pedestal, and she doesn’t deserve to be there.
If I take the fact that she got jealous and upset about him liking posts, and these are nobody that he dated, it’s probably because she’s a cheater and a liar. Because cheaters and liars tend to accuse everybody else of cheating and lying, being disloyal, when the reality is, they’re the ones that are the disloyal ones. Because she doesn’t just go meet a guy right away after six weeks. And she’s already ready to see where this goes?
She lined that up before she broke up with him. That’s what really happened. She’ll never admit that probably, but that’s what was really going on. She was talking to this other guy, because that’s why she gets upset. If you’re potentially talking to other women and she’s getting upset about it, the reality is because she’s probably talking to other guys. That’s the only reason that happens.
People that are secure and confident and when their significant other is interacting with members of the opposite sex, they’re going to want to see what happens. They want to see, how loyal are they? In other words, they give that person enough room to hang themselves with their disloyalty. Because these are the things you want to find out before you get too far down the road and then find out that she’s cheating on you.
I’ve seen this thousands and thousands of times over the years. When you see this kind of behavior in a woman, it’s because she’s the one that’s disloyal. She’s the one that has the cheating thoughts. And she already knew this other guy. She probably had him all lined up before she broke up with you. A month and a half went by and you didn’t hear a peep from her. She wasn’t upset, she wasn’t distraught. She just didn’t care. She wasn’t really that into it. And it might be shocking for the guy that wrote the email, but that’s reality. All you’ve got to do is look at her actions.
People that are secure and confident, and when their significant other is interacting with other members of the opposite sex, they’re going to want to see what happens. I told her best of luck, that I still think about her, and if it doesn’t work out give me a call.
I decided to walk away and never look back unless she contacts me, but I still want her back.
You should have never contacted her after you broke up, because the strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and meant it. And you told her “I’m not giving up my Instagram friends,” and then a month and a half later, you go back on your word and you contact her. You bitched out, dude. No contact means no contact. It doesn’t say no contact for a few weeks and then you contact her again.
The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and meant it. She made some unreasonable demands, and you said no. You stood up for yourself for about six weeks, and then you reach out and find out she’s fucking some guy already? She did you a favor. You lucked out. Even though you didn’t learn the book, because you didn’t read it 10–15 times, you found out that this chick is probably a liar and a cheater.
This is how these women behave. When their interest is low, they line up the replacement and they don’t give a damn. If you’re ever dating somebody and they’re constantly getting jealous and insecure about who you’re talking to, you’ve got to nip that shit in the bud immediately. Put them in their place and say, “I’ve always been loyal, and I don’t appreciate you accusing me of being disloyal,” and then throw it back in their face.
The only time people do that and accuse others of being disloyal, it’s because they’re having disloyal thoughts. If you’re accusing me of cheating, more than likely, you’re projecting what’s inside of you, and that makes me question what you’re really doing when we’re not together. That makes me wonder, maybe you’re really not that trustworthy if you’re getting upset about things that are totally innocuous like Instagram pictures. It’s like, come on.
I will stick to the no contact rule as long as needed…
It’s not a technique dude. It’s a permanent state of negotiation.
…even if it is for forever, but still how it happened frustrated me.
Well, the reality is, I’d say you dodged a bullet there. You didn’t get too far down the road and find out you’re with a devious cheater. Like I said, if she’s a good woman who has integrity and she really cared about you, she wouldn’t be in a relationship with somebody else after six weeks. She lined that guy up before you guys broke up. And you never heard from her after that. She didn’t try to work it out. She was just like, have a nice life, dude. See you later.
And you loved her too much, as you said, so she had all the power. You gave all your power away, and she could tell that. That’s why it didn’t bother her at all when you guys broke up. She was totally content with moving on and dating somebody better. And then, she gaslit you by trying to make you feel like crap for your Instagram posts, when in reality she was just projecting the fact that she’s a liar, a devious person and a cheater.
Good fucking riddance, man. Fuck her. She can go on down the road and mess that guy’s life up. Because like I said, when she’s not happy, she’s going to be selfish, narcissistic, and she’s going to entertain advances, and validation and interest from other men. At the end of the day you learned something. I know it stings, but in the long run, this is a good thing.
So, read “How To Be A 3% Man” 10–15 times, and you can also read “Mastering Yourself,” which is my second book, totally for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com. All you’ve got to do is subscribe to the email newsletter.
And if you have a challenge or a problem, maybe you’re in a similar situation likes this and you’ve seen some red flags from your girlfriend, but you’re head over heels in love with her and you know your interest is kind of blinding you, but you don’t feel good about the situation and you’d like to get an unvarnished opinion from yours truly, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
“Love is freedom, allowing and acceptance. When you love others in a way that maintains their freedom to choose you or someone else, this gives you peace of mind that you were chosen over all other potential suitors. It’s the mindset of being their best option but creating the conditions that if their effort and interest is not mutual, you will find someone better. You deserve someone who loves, values, celebrates and cherishes you the way you are without having to change or bend yourself into a pretzel to please them. It’s the ultimate take it or leave it kind of non-attached attitude that helps to ensure you only date people who are really into you.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne