Should You Change Your Routine While In No Contact?
How to determine if you should change your routine while in no contact after a breakup.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following my work for about 3 weeks. He’s already read 3% Man, 7 times. He is trying to get his ex back. He asks if he should go to a different restaurant for lunch because he might see his ex there, but he feels that is childish. She lost attraction, interest and respect for him and he isn’t interested in being friends. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Members Only Newsletter is, “Should You Change Your Routine While In No Contact?”
That’s a good question. So this particular email is from a viewer. He’s brand new to my work, but I already like what he’s doing. He’s been following me for three whole weeks. And guess what? He’s already read 3% Man seven times. So what does that tell us? He’s a serious student. How many times have you seen me do a Video Newsletter with a guy that says, “I’ve been following you for six years, and I just got The Book last week, and I’m starting to go through it.” And then, you know, I roast the guy because, like, you wonder why you’re struggling.
Here’s a dude that got dumped unexpectedly. He’s participating in his own rescue, and he’s taking control of his destiny, and he’s trying to get as much of The Book into his head as quickly as possible, so he can improve and accentuate all the aspects of his personality that are very attractive and stop doing all the things that he was doing that turned his now ex-girlfriend off because he wants to get her back. And so one of the interesting things is they would used to go to the same restaurant. I guess 1 or 2 restaurants they would go to all the time for lunch.
And now he’s in No Contact because she’s like, “I don’t want anything to do with you.” And he’s like, “well, I’m not interested in just being friends.” And she’s like, “My feelings are gone. I don’t want you to wait for me and hope that my feelings come back.” And so he kind of doesn’t want to keep going to the same restaurants, the two restaurants that he would go to. There are only, like, five minutes away from his house because he worries about bumping into her.
And then he’s like, “Well, that feels kind of childish.” So he’s like, “What should I do?” So one thing to consider if you’re a No Contact, and your girl has tossed you aside and she knows you’re going to probably be in that restaurant, what’s more mysterious? Her going to that restaurant and not seeing you and wondering where you are, or seeing you there doing the same thing day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year that she’s known you.
What do kitty cats like? They like mystery and unpredictability. So not being there is being unpredictable. Plus, if you think about it, you want to change your routine. Go to a restaurant that you’re not used to going to. Maybe you find 2 or 3 other restaurants. Because who knows, maybe you go and you sit down for lunch by yourself, and then a really smoking hot girl sits down at the table next to you, and then you start chatting and boom! Next thing you know, a couple days later, you’re out on a date.
And she’s so beautiful and she’s so hot and you’re so prepared because you’re a maniac about reading The Book that she falls head over heels in love with you in a couple of months and you’re like, “This girl is hotter. She’s got a better attitude and way better than my ex.” And so you date for a month or two, and then your ex gets in touch with you. You think you’re going to want to get back together with the ex then? Are you going to be like, “Man, I got something even better.” Something to think about before we go into this email.
Viewer Email:
Hello Coach Corey,
I hope this email finds you well. I apologize in advance for the long mail. First of all, I wanted to thank you for your work, it helped me tremendously understanding the breakup and most importantly how to move forward and get my power back. I stumbled upon your work 3 weeks ago following a breakup with my girlfriend of 2 and a half years. I have read your book 7 times in the last 3 weeks.
Which is pretty awesome, Dude. I’m proud of you. That is really good.
And watched a ton of videos and plan on continuing to do so.
See the guys that do this are guys that are really serious. So when I hear a guy, “I will follow you for seven years. I just got your Book. I’ve just been so busy.” It’s like most people major in minor things, they just don’t care. They’re not really willing to lift a finger to help themselves, to shape and change their destiny. And this guy is. When I’ve read the best success stories, it’s always from dudes that have read The Book a lot, and took it seriously. You must participate in your own rescue. Nobody’s coming to save you or to fix you.
The breakup wasn’t a nasty one. Three weeks before the actual breakup my ex became distant and after 2 days I asked her what was wrong. She told me that everything seems so routine.
Boring, dull and predictable. Right? So if she left him because everything was boring, dull and repetitive, and you keep going to the same restaurant, do you think she’s going to look at him and go, “Oh. See, nothing’s changed. He’s still here. He goes to the same place all the time.” Even though she may be there, or, “Huh. He’s not here.” That’s unpredictable.
She expected to see you there, but you weren’t there. “Did he meet somebody else? Is he out on a date? Did he only come here because I liked coming here?” Unpredictability is attractive. Being dull and boring and routine is unattractive, and if you got dumped for being unattractive, then to continue to do the same routine is not going to really help your case.
And she thinks she doesn’t grow anymore.
Well, what if you decided, “You know what? I need a change of scenery. There’s other restaurants I should go to. Maybe I meet the bartender or the waitress.” And after you go there a few weeks, you get to know everybody. And then you know you’re going there for a couple of months, and all of a sudden, you know, every time you walk in there, you’re like the mayor that showed up. There’s cute girls sitting next to you.
And if everybody knows you, the girls come up and say hello to you. Now you’re safe. You got social proof. Other girls and other people talk to you like they know you. Versus it’s the first place you’ve gone. That’s helpful to your reputation, if you will, with other people observing you. And plus just going to a different place, change of scenery, it’s something new. And one of our six human needs is variety. So how about some variety in your life? Try something different.
Your girlfriend said you were boring and it was the same routine over and over, so, do something out of character for you. Don’t go where she expects you to be. Because she’ll think about you and wonder, “Why is he never here?” Might cause her to go, “Hey, I haven’t seen you at the restaurant you’ve been going.” I was like, “Oh, I’ve been hanging out with friends. I’ve been going to other places. And obviously you miss me. Why don’t we get together and make dinner at my place? Catch up?”
In hindsight I realized she lost attraction. And I wasn’t unpredictable enough and didn’t court her properly. I can safely say that for the most part of our relationship she was in the 9 to 10 range on the attraction scale. There was some testing here and there in moments of insecurity or jealousy.
I come from a broken childhood, but I passed them, although I didn’t realize it at the moment. So, we talked about it and gave it another try, unfortunately I did the wrong thing and pursued her more than she did. I didn’t actually chase her, but I definitely pursued her more than she did pursue me.
So you communicated that you were way more into her, than she was into you. Women like you more if they think they’re more into you, than you are into them. I didn’t make them that way. I’m just here to tell you how it is.
There was some testing in that phase, I think I didn’t fail the tests but I didn’t pass either. After two weeks she told me she wanted a break.
Well, obviously you failed the test because she dumped you.
There was some testing in that phase, I think I didn’t fail the tests but I didn’t pass either. After two weeks she told me she wanted a break for 2 weeks and I was fine with that. We didn’t see each other in those week and haven’t heard from each other. After two weeks we met up.
Who called who? Did she call you or did you call her?
After two weeks we met up and she told me she hasn’t enough feelings to continue the relationship and she doesn’t want to hold me back and wait for her to regain feelings. I agreed with that point and told her that I cannot be her friend, but I didn’t actually leave the door open and I didn’t say she can call me when she wants to get together, which in hindsight was a mistake. How can I make up for that mistake?
Don’t make up. You never try to keep somebody that doesn’t want to keep you. At this point, what’s done is done. There’s no reason to call her up and go, “Oh, hey, if you ever change your mind, get in touch.” That’s why the best thing would be for you to just disappear. For her to wonder, “What happened to that guy?” We want her to get used to life completely without you. You know, because there’s going to be days where she’s going to start to miss you.
And she thinks, “Oh, I’ll just go to that restaurant and probably bump into him at lunch and just act like, oh, I didn’t expect you here.” Instead, she goes in there and you’re not there. Then she’s going to wonder, “Where is he? Is he out on a date with another girl? What happened to him? He’s usually always here. This is so out of the ordinary for him. I wonder where’s he at? What’s he doing? Who’s he with?” That’s what you want.
Because No Contact means No Contact. She says, “Yeah. My feelings are never going to change. Just go. Move on with your life.” It’s like, “Okay.” You don’t try to keep somebody who doesn’t want to keep you. Begging, groveling. It’s not going to help you. She has to come to the decision in her own mind that she misses you. Because she messed the relationship up. Therefore, she’s got to fix it. So there’s nothing for you to do at this point.
Even though you didn’t say, “Hey, get in touch if you change your mind.” It’s like if a girl really likes you, she’ll get in touch. And this was a girl you were with for two and a half years. You have more time with her than anybody else that she’s going to meet. So at some point she’s going to start missing you, especially when she hasn’t heard from you, and especially when she goes into the same restaurant every day and you’re just no longer there. Then she’s going to start questioning it. She’s going to start missing you and thinking about you and her there. Because she’s there, but you’re not.
Since then I have been in No Contact and I have been working on myself, working on my purpose and improving on the things and principles you teach in your book. After reading your book I now realize that she isn’t my source of happiness and I can live and improve without her, but if there is a chance to rekindle our relationship I will take it.
Well, it’s got to be her idea. Because you waited around, you gave her space, her feelings didn’t change. And she’s like, “Yeah, I don’t feel enough for you, so I don’t want to date you anymore.” So I was like, “Okay.” You’re not going to try to force her to stay with you. You’re not going to beg. You’re not going to grovel. You’re gonna be like, “Well, I’m going to become even better. And I’m going to move on to find a girl who really wants to be with me. Who’s not going to just go, Oh, my feelings have changed. So I’m out.”
So my question is: How should I go about the No Contact?
No Contact means No Contact. It doesn’t mean do it for a few weeks, or a few days or a few months and then start chasing her again. It means you both got up from the negotiating table. So she said, “All I can offer you is friendship and blue balls.” And you said, “No thanks. I’m not interested in being friends.” And she also said, “Well, don’t wait around for me. Don’t wait around for my feelings to change.” Because basically what that means is she ain’t waiting around. She’s trying to find somebody else that stimulates her emotions.
And the longer the silence continues, the longer she doesn’t know where you’re at or what you’re doing. Then she’s going to start to second guess herself. But if you’re there all the time and you’re staring at her, or you look over at her and you wave, she’s going to think, “Oh, he’s coming there every day because he knows I’m going to be here.” You want to completely disappear and absolutely become a ghost. And the only time you should ever go back to that restaurant is if you got a cute girl with you. Why should you go anywhere else? Why shouldn’t you go there?
She works in a restaurant near my workplace, and we usually went there for lunch.
Yeah, if that’s her place of business and I definitely would not go there.
Since the breakup we have been going to another place, but it is very unnatural to do so given that the other restaurant is like 5 minutes further away and we have to skip by her restaurant so I see her almost every day.
Again. This is not No Contact. You’re going in there because you’re hoping things are going to change. That’s the only reason you’re there.
We greet each other but we haven’t had a conversation since the breakup. I can see that she is hurt.
Well, it doesn’t matter. It’s got to be her idea to rekindle things, and therefore she’s got to reach out to you. That’s what you need to disappear. No Contact means she’s dead to you. That means unless she reaches out to you, the two of you will never, ever speak as long as you live. And I mean, you shouldn’t be going to her place of business all the time. Because then that looks like you’re groveling and hoping that she’s going to change your mind. That’s why you need to do something that is unpredictable.
It just feels so unnatural and childish to skip her restaurant and go to the other place.
Well, again, go to the other place. Maybe you’ll meet a girl at the other restaurant. Maybe you meet a girl at a third or a fourth restaurant that you go to. What you need to do is you need to change your routine, because with a fresh change of scenery, you meet new people. You never know who you’re going to meet when you’re in a new place. I would not keep going to (that) restaurant. I didn’t realize when I read through this the first time that you were actually going to the restaurant where she worked.
If you’re constantly going into the restaurant where she works, then she thinks you’re there, hoping to get another chance. And that’s why you need to disappear and never, ever go there again unless you go there at a different time, or, even if you go there on a date, then she’s going to think you’re rubbing another girl in her face. But at the end of the day, if you meet a girl you really like, you don’t give a shit anymore. Then go have lunch there or whatever. And if she texts you and says, “Oh, you just brought her in to rub it my face.”
It’s like, “No, I didn’t. It’s a nice restaurant and I like eating there. And, you know, quite frankly, I’ve moved on and things are going great in our relationship. And, you know, I’m sorry you’re upset. But, you know, next time we come in there, I can always get somebody else to wait on us if it makes you uncomfortable.” Being totally indifferent and unbothered is attractive. Because the fact that you’re still going to the restaurant where she works, you’re going there because you’re making excuses to go there because you’re hoping to get another chance. So you’re not really in No Contact. You’re in her face all the time.
Given the situation I don’t know how to go about the No Contact to maximize my chance of her reaching out to me?
Thank you in advance and I would love to hear from you.
Best regards,
Bob
Well, definitely stop going to her place of work, because that’s just stupid. That tells me that you’re trying to talk yourself into continuing to pursue and you’re being predictable. Which is exactly why she dumped you in the first place. So continuing to do what got you rejected is kind of stupid when you’re trying to get her back. And a change of scenery will do you good, because again, it’s a different places, different vibe. You don’t know anybody, because if you’re going to a restaurant, then probably everybody that works there knows that two of you were together. “Oh, I saw your ex-boyfriend. He was in here again yesterday. I think he’s there hoping you’ll give him another chance.”
But if you just never go in there again and you never see anybody. Or maybe you go in there at night in a month or so, or in a few weeks when you’re out on a date with a girl you’re hooking up with or like, “Oh, I saw Bob. He was with a really cute girl the other night.” Maybe that makes her do something. Because in your mind, the way she’s behaved, she’s dead to you. She’s like, “I’m not interested. Have a nice life.” And you kept going back to her restaurant, and now you’re trying to say, “Oh, it’s childish.” It makes you look beta to keep going in there. It looks like you’re still clinging on and hanging on to the relationship by going into her place of business. So you need to knock it off. And I wouldn’t go back there unless it’s in the future and you have a hotter date with you.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.