She’s Single, But Not Ready To Mingle
How to determine if she’s a good dating prospect or someone you should completely avoid
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a guy who started dating a woman who was obviously a mess emotionally, but because of his high interest in her, he was blinded to her numerous flaws and the fact she is simply not a good dating prospect. She has an ex-boyfriend she can’t stop thinking and talking about and she is hot and cold.
He makes things worse by over pursuing and his attention and validation seeking behavior. She jerks him around, and he finds a reason to apologize for it. This email perfectly illustrates how a woman reveals what a bad dating prospect she is, but the guy can’t see it because he is blinded by his interest, desperation and low opinion of himself. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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We’ve got a kind of interesting email here for you. This guy, he writes a pretty detailed email of what was going on with this particular woman that he was dating, and there’s all kinds of red flags that she throws up right away. But what I liked about the email is it shows how when we have high interest in somebody, it’s like no matter what they say, no matter what they do, it just goes right over our heads and we completely ignore things that are right in front of us.
And so, I see this a lot. I see guys that get my book and they think, “I’m going to fix a bad dating prospect with Corey’s book.” But the reality is the book is designed to bring out the worst in the worst and the best in the best right away, as quickly as possible so you know what you’re dealing with. Because women who have a healthy self-esteem, who are good for you, good to you, good for your soul, they’re very rare and they don’t come along very often.
And when we’ve been waiting or we’ve been single for a long time without anybody to be exclusive with or we just haven’t met anybody we really like and felt like we jived with, everybody, men and women, tend to become a little desperate, a little impatient. They get tired of the pressure from friends or family, “When are you going to settle down with somebody? Aren’t you guys getting serious? When are you going to marry so-and-so?” And then they succumb to pressure. And what that does is it causes us to not really have self-respect. And so, we allow and we tolerate things that we shouldn’t just because we want the search to be over.
And so, that’s kind of where this guy is at. But it’s a good email because, again, you can see how he kind of BS’s himself and just smoothes over things that should be, you know, as soon as he hears, he should go, “Okay, check, please,” but he continues on.
I often use the analogy, how often do you meet a new best friend? That’s something that hardly ever happens. And so, if you take a step back and you look at the universe and how life tends to work, and then you look at what happens, it’s really great friends that are good to you, good for you, good for your soul, you hardly ever meet people like that. And when you do, you know it instantly. You feel it in your soul. You feel a connection. You feel like you’ve known this person forever.
And it’s the same thing when it comes to dating members of the opposite sex. You just know. It feels right, it feels good, it feels easy, it feels effortless. Sometimes you’re often completing each other’s sentences because you have so much in common, and you generally really enjoy listening to what they have to say, how their mind works, and you’re fascinated by them and they’re fascinated by you. You appreciate them. They appreciate you.
All of my closest friends, the girlfriends that I still stay in touch with, some of them that I wrote about my first book, How To Be A 3% Man, that’s the kind of relationship we have. That’s why they’ve been in my life for so many decades and we stay in touch. It’s cool to go through life and have people that you’ve known for many years and many decades and see all their ups and downs, what they’ve gone through, what you’ve gone through, and you love, and you support and you nurture each other throughout life. Because it’s great people that really make life worth living, because the world is full of shit birds.
Kind of like, I’m going to get political for one thing, but if you look at the results in the election in Georgia, it looks like the Republicans lost those seats. It’s like a Cocaine Mitch, he could have easily paid everybody the two thousand dollars. What did he do? Hey, here’s 600 bucks and we’re going to give trillions to other people. People are like, fuck you. Why would I vote for that? You know, it’s like you see how people really are, and it’s like, whatever. They deserved to lose. You don’t take care of your people, fuck off. It’s an abusive relationship. It’s good. It’s good to cleanse out the trash.
Viewer’s Email:
Hi Corey,
I could really use some insight on a situation. I started dating a woman in October, (my first time dating a woman). We both mentioned upon our initial meeting that we were looking to have fun and date. We talked about our dating past. She had recently ended a six-year relationship in the summer, and my last relationship was 2 years ago. She initiated and paid for everything and the conversations always flowed well.
We stayed in contact while she was in Florida taking care of her parents and arranged a date when she returned in November. I spent the night, and she cried that morning over breakfast and asked for space and time. I grabbed my things and she apologized for her emotions and kissed me before I left. She messaged later that day thanking me for how I handled her emotions.
So, you have one date and then the chick has a fucking meltdown. Big red flag there. Is that somebody that you really want to get serious with? Obviously, single, ready, willing and able and open to dating — it doesn’t sound like she’s really open to dating. And so, when you hear something like that, my response would be, “Well, just get in touch when you feel better,” and I would never call or text her again for any reason until I hear from her.
But that’s obviously a major red flag. That’s the kind of thing that when it happens, you’re like, “Yeah, do I really want to go out with somebody that on our first date, they have a meltdown? Probably not all there.” But he’s like, “Hey, let’s see where this goes.”
We arranged another time to meet that week. She came over and we hung out (no sex), and she cried again stating that she regretted what happened and that she was triggered and asked for space and time.
I’m waiting for it to get better.
I tried to walk her out and she declined my offer. I texted afterwards asking what she needed and wanted to clarify what had happened.
So obviously, he’s going, “What the hell?”
She said that she needed time to work through things on her own and for me to take care of myself in the best way possible.
Again, when a woman behaves this way, you delete her phone number. You don’t keep calling and trying to be her therapist or to fix her, which a lot of people unfortunately do that. They’re like, “I can work with this. I can fix this. I can use Corey’s book and it’ll solve all of our problems.” It doesn’t work that way. The goal is to find somebody good — good to you, good for you, good for your soul. And right away, it’s like, wow, it’s like the wheels just came right off the wagon out of the chute there.
She continued to text after that and called later that week explaining how sorry she was and asked to take me out to dinner on that Monday. She even called that Saturday to come over to my place to apologize. I told her that I wasn’t upset with her at all, but I was confused by everything.
Dinner went well on Monday and we had sex. We spent the day together that Saturday and it was awesome. In the midst of all of this, she asked me to meet her kids.
So, you have sex one time and she’s like, “Hey, you want to meet my kids?” A woman who has got her shit together is going to take time. Maybe after a couple of months of dating she’ll introduce you to her kids. She doesn’t introduce you like as soon as you sleep together. Not a good sign. That tells me that she gets attached really easy, moves too fast, probably because she’s needy and insecure herself.
We continued to contact each other daily and arranging times to meet both prior to, during and after Thanksgiving Break.
Come on man. So, he continued to over pursue. this is the kind of woman that you really should be letting her do most of the calling, texting and pursuing. But obviously, he couldn’t help himself because he was infatuated.
The night I came back from Thanksgiving, I told her I wanted to see her if there was time, she agreed. We hung out, talked and had sex, and then she proceeded to cry again telling me about her ex-boyfriend wanting to be friends and that this had nothing to do with me and how she felt.
She belongs to the streets, bro!
We were able to see each other that Monday on our scheduled time and we both stated that we felt anxious.
That’s really masculine, bro.
From my part, I had recently come out to my parents and had shared this with her.
So, I’m thinking that maybe this guy is intimating that maybe he’s bisexual or whatever. I don’t know, maybe he likes men and women. I don’t know.
Later in the week, she contacted me saying that things were moving too fast and that she needed to be sure that she was making kind and responsible decisions.
Maybe this email is from a woman. I don’t really know. Isn’t that interesting? We’ll just find this out in real time, here.
She proceeded to tell me that she couldn’t talk to me every day and needed to put her energy into herself and her kids and that those were her boundaries. (Her tone was direct and mean.) I didn’t think I had pressed the issue, but I was very offended since I was following her lead. She stated that she was toxic for me, she had abandonment issues, extra marital affairs…
She belongs to the streets! If you’re looking for a relationship, that’s what you’re looking for. That’s why you date. That’s why you test drive. The secrets come out — cheating, lying, abandonment issues, extramarital affairs.
And that my family would not approve of me dating someone like her. She also mentioned either being in love with someone else or seeing someone else and was not emotionally available to me. She said that I looked like I was ready to give my heart to someone and she wasn’t there. She said she wanted to continue to hang out and stuff. I agreed to meet on Saturday, but the more I thought about it, I brought up the conversation again and she stated she didn’t want a relationship.
Well, at the end of the day, when she told you about the affairs, she’s disqualified from even consideration for a relationship prospect. But it doesn’t matter. Like I said, I couldn’t really tell because the name is obviously kind of an unusual name. But I don’t know, maybe this is a lesbian, maybe this is a guy, I don’t know. Isn’t it interesting?
But the point being is any relationship, it doesn’t matter whether it’s straight, gay or lesbian, there’s always a masculine and a feminine essence if you’re going to have sexual polarity. And when one is missing, they end up being just friends.
I said okay, I didn’t ask for that, mostly because I thought things were going fine and I was happy.
Dude, things weren’t really going fine — or dudette, we don’t really know. This is like a mystery emailer.
I told her I really liked her and wanted to date her and continue getting to know her. I asked if I was going to see her again, and she told me she needed space and time and that she was doing this to be a better person for me. I didn’t understand any of that and ended up walking away. (I did contact later in the week apologizing for my actions because I wasn’t proud of that.)
Not masculine.
When I contacted later in the week, I told her that perhaps she was right in asking for space and that we needed to rethink meeting kids etc. at the moment for the purposes of slowing things down. I told her that some things that she had mentioned, I couldn’t compete with those things, (I was mainly referring to being in love with someone else, but I didn’t clarify that). She said she needed time to sort through her feelings.
Both of them are just getting way too mushy and gushy and overly emotional, and the masculine person should not be getting overly emotional like this.
Contact since then has drastically slowed down, and the Sunday before Christmas we spoke on the phone and her tone showed absolutely no emotion whatsoever.
So, more than likely, he continued, or she, over pursuing and reaching out. It’s like, again, this woman’s displaying no desirable behavior. You don’t pursue somebody that displays undesirable behavior.
She said that the situation was hopeless and that she would not be back to provide false hope when feelings were involved. She said that she had no feelings for me but liked and cared about me, and that we were not compatible.
What did Maya Angelou say? “When somebody tells you who they are, believe them the first time.”
She told me I needed to date other people. I didn’t beg or disagree with her, I just let her talk. I didn’t agree with anything she said and let her have the conversation. I did try to reach out after a week and outlined the events asking to start over and to let her know I missed her.
So, you don’t continue pursuing somebody that just vomited all their garbage onto the sidewalk in front of you, and going, “I can work with this. I can fix this.”
She agreed to meet and then rejected me two days later stating that she was not interested in pursuing anything right now and thanks for understanding.
Thank you for noticing.
I told her that I was sorry she wasn’t up for getting together and hoped that I wasn’t bothering her and that when she was ready, I’d like to see her. She basically said, I wasn’t bothering her.
Weak. Very, very weak and indecisive and unattractive. And if you’re trying to seduce a feminine woman acting like a feminine man, or a feminine lesbian for that matter, it is equally repulsive.
She wasn’t up for it right now, she wished me a good rest of the school year, and she hoped that I was able to find a wonderful partner. I merely reiterated the same and that I wanted to leave the lines of communication open, but if it wasn’t possible then I understood.
Currently in no contact, trying to figure out my shit and what the hell happened. She’s a great person and I do like her a lot, but I feel like this situation was completely blown out of proportion.
Bro, she’s a lunatic and she belongs in the streets.
I didn’t think it was that serious and maybe I had a hand it that. Thanks for your help.
Bob
Well, like I said, she definitely belongs to the streets. She’s not a good dating prospect. Maybe a friends with benefits, sex playmate. I wouldn’t do anything with her. I would never call or text her again for any reason. Let her do 100 percent of the calling, texting and pursuing. If you hear from her again soon, she wants to see, you invite her to your place to make dinner together. I would follow everything right out of “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.”
But, this chick is just messed up and it’s not your job to fix her or to save her. You’re looking for somebody that’s ready, willing and able and open to dating and somebody who has integrity, because obviously you’re looking for an exclusive, monogamous type of relationship, and you’re just not going to have it with somebody who lies and cheats and who’s mixed up and all over the ice. It just doesn’t end well. This is just the way things are going to be with this person.
And people that don’t know any better will continue to get involved with people like this. But the idea is, I want you to learn and understand this stuff so you don’t make the same mistakes. So obviously, if you haven’t read “How To Be A 3% Man,” go to UnderstandingRelationships.com. You can read for free by subscribing to the email newsletter. You can also read “Mastering Yourself” for free. And if you want to get one of these sweet, “She Belongs the Streets!” mugs from Teespring.com, go to the Coach Corey Wayne store.
And if you’d like to book a coaching session, you want my play by play analysis on whether or not you’re involved with somebody that is salvageable or even a good prospect for you, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
“Good dating prospects are ready, willing, able and open to dating. We all know people who are dating significant others that are not good for them, but they are blinded by infatuation, interest and desperation to be in a relationship. Great relationships, like all great things, take time to find, develop and grow. Most people make poor choices because they are extremely impatient and want everything to happen now, instead of having a curious attitude to see what will happen next. People who are good to you, good for you and good for your soul don’t come along very often, but when they do, you will know and feel it in your soul instantly. Choose wisely.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
