What it means and what you should do if your girl backed away and is ignoring you to put her own needs first.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss a classic case of a guy doing the 2 things most men do in long term relationships to cause their women to lose attraction and respect for them. Now his girlfriend is basically ignoring him after he became lazy, complacent, stopped dating and courting her and communicating with her effectively. On top of that, he was mean and rude.
Only now that she is ignoring him does he want to change or make things right. He recognizes that he sabotaged the relationship, knew he was doing it, but did it anyway. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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It’s just amazing to me how guys do the same two things. Once they get in a relationship, they stop dating and courting their girlfriend or wife, and they don’t communicate effectively. They don’t make the woman feel heard and understood. And, as you’ve heard me say before, when a woman feels heard and understood, the legs open, and when she doesn’t, the legs close. So, the legs are closing on our young Padawan, here, so let’s see what we can do to help him turn things around.
Another thing that’s interesting about this is he knew he was screwing things up, yet he continued to screw things up anyway. And it wasn’t until he was on the verge of getting dumped that he actually decided he was going to do something about it. Remember, people act consistently with how they view themselves to be. It doesn’t matter whether the view is accurate or not. So, he did everything right to get her to fall in love, but then he chose not to do what was necessary to keep it going long term.
He got angry, was mean to her, and top of that, he’s not dating and courting her or communicating. And a woman is only going to put up with that for so long, because he’s basically making her feel like he doesn’t care. The most important thing, if you’re going to be involved with a woman, is you’ve got to make her feel like you actually care for her. And when you make her feel like you don’t care, you’re communicating, “Hey, get the hell away from me. I don’t want you around.” And eventually she’ll be like, “Well, if he doesn’t want me there, buh-bye now.”
I’m a 27-year-old salesman who’s so grateful for your work!
Well, my work only helps if you actually follow it and do what it says. If you do the opposite, you’re going to get undesirable results. But that’s on you. Because nobody’s coming to save you. You’ve got to do that yourself.
My 21-year-old girlfriend broke up with me without saying the words yet. I haven’t heard from her in several days and she’s removed some pictures of us on Instagram, followed other men…
Sounds like replacements.
…and stopped sharing her location. We were together for 10 months. This was the best relationship I’ve ever had and her longest.
Well, she’s only 21.
She treated me like a total king, and she was clear about wanting marriage and kids. I was on the fence because I’m scared of making a wrong move so young, and the responsibilities and changes that follow suit.
Don’t get into a relationship with somebody if you’re not interested in having children or letting her think that you’re interested in that. If you know that she’s not somebody you want to have kids with, you’ve got to tell her. And I’m not calling the kettle black. I did a lot of stupid things when I was younger. It’s all in “3% Man.” You can read all about the Coach’s mess-ups.
The way I got here is textbook. I lost my center, becoming complacent, codependent, needy, weak, and rude!
Go big or go home, I guess.
I genuinely fell asleep in this relationship. I was so apathetic and ungrateful.
This brings up a point I often make. If you are lonely and unhappy and you’re thinking a woman is going to come along and make you happy, she will for a period of time. But then when you recognize that your happiness comes from within and that she’s not actually the source of your happiness — typically 6 to 12 months after you’ve been together, when the honeymoon period wears off — then you stop giving to her, because you realize that you’re just not happy.
Before you get into a relationship, you’ve got to get to a place where you love spending your time alone, where you really enjoy the single life. Because if you don’t enjoy your own company, you’re not going to be good company.
I had all the warning signs and just lacked the umph to do anything about it.
In other words, the “umph” is you didn’t have an emotionally compelling reason to turn things around in your relationship. You just didn’t care. Maybe, on some level, you didn’t think you were worth it. Or you recognized that the honeymoon period was over and you still were an unhappy guy. And so, you might as well just blow up your relationship, because why not?
You can’t give away what you don’t have for yourself. And if you’re not loving yourself and loving your life when you recognize your girl is not actually the one making you happy, or unhappy for that matter, the meanings that you give things that are going on, then you stop giving to her. And love is about giving. You go to a relationship to give. It’s the whole reason you’re there. This is your friendships, your relationship with your parents, your siblings, your kids, your friends, your customers. It’s all about giving. It’s an act.
I don’t know what got into me. It’s like I couldn’t turn off the auto pilot headed for destruction.
Well, maybe on some level, you felt you deserved it. And you also probably weren’t used to things going well. Maybe you grew up in an environment where things were just a mess all the time, and so you’re emotionally anchored to things being a mess. That feels normal to you. And things are messed up now, so, hey, things are normal in your world. That’s what happens when people are not used to normal and they get normal. They wreck it on purpose, because they don’t know how to deal with it. It doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t feel normal to them.
To make matters worse, my headspace and intense emotional attachment led me to handle the events leading up to this horribly. She said she needed to talk, she came over and I responded by saying, in her words, “everything I was supposed to.” We kissed, had sex, laughed and I thought all was well… Until the next day when she texted me saying she needed to come over again after work because she wasn’t feeling settled.
I would have said, “Sure, babe. I definitely want to hear what you have to say.”
Like a fool, I started texting her back and forth. This ended with her saying she didn’t need to come over anymore.
Because, why? She’s not going to feel heard and understood anyway. She’s giving up.
So, I acted desperate. I called and she didn’t pick up because, “I don’t think it’s a smart thing to do right now. I let how I feel about you come before my own needs. You haven’t put me first in a while.”
So, she cares, but she knows if she comes over, she’ll probably get soft and cave to you, so she’s staying away.
“I can’t do it again.” I responded with a voice memo of me groveling, asking for a fighting chance, which got no reply.
Well, it takes two people to make things work, and at that point, she is no longer making any effort to make it work. And so, you can’t fix anything if the other person just refuses to play with you. So, that is on her.
I delivered flowers and a card to her dad’s house immediately afterwards. She hasn’t said anything about it but stopped sharing her location with me.
Not a good sign. Never try to keep somebody who doesn’t want to keep you. And you obviously communicated you wanted to talk to her, but she’s obviously feeling hurt, because she didn’t feel heard and understood. And whatever you said in that text just pissed her off more.
Because eventually a woman is going to start to feel like, “It doesn’t matter. No matter what I say or how many times we talk about this, nothing’s going to change.” Especially if she’s like, “You never listen to me.” If she tells you over and over, you say you’re going to do something, and then you don’t, eventually, they’re going to give up. They’re not going to trust your masculine core.
You can’t tell a woman you’re going to do something and then continually flake out on it or not follow through. At some point, they’re just going to go, “He’s full of shit. I don’t believe him.”
A few days later, I sent a poem to her email and texted her asking to do dinner, to which she said, “I’m heartbroken, and seeing you will make it too easy to fold on what I need to do for myself.” I replied saying I was hurt too, “especially because this is my fault. I still visualize our future together and I’ll start fresh for you.” She left me on read.
So, she’s stonewalling you, which is not loving, and are not the actions of somebody that wants to work things out. You have to recognize that. You have to look at what the other person is doing. When somebody says, “I need space,” you have to give them space. You don’t keep barraging them like a needy, insecure, neurotic jackass. All it’s going to do is drive her away even more. And that’s what you’re doing at this point, is acting like a needy, insecure jackass, a guy who’s just totally losing his shit, basically.
I feel so lost. She was one of the few great ones, and I know there’s other fish in the sea, but she gave me everything I ever wanted to build a great life with, and I wasn’t prepared.
That’s why, as the late, great Jim Rohn always used to say, “I’ll take care of me for you, and you take care of you for me.” The part about you taking care of you for her, you didn’t do that. And so, if you really want to fix this and you really want to show her that you recognize what happened and what you did wrong, you’re going to get back in the gym. You’re going to reconnect with your friends. You’re going to get refocused back on your mission and your purpose in life.
And you should also be taking a physical copy or digital copy of “3% Man” and listening to the audio book on two speeds, so you can get through it in 3 1/2 hours, and really concentrate on the material. Because you don’t know what the hell you’re doing. So, I can tell you haven’t read the book 10 to 15 times. You maybe read it once or twice. Once you got in a relationship, you’re like, “I don’t need this. I don’t need to read this 10 to 15 times. I’m an expert.”
I want this. I feel like if I had got on a call it would be different.
It’s like, dude, this was long in coming. It’s not because you weren’t on a call with her. It was because you were consistently being a jerk, not making her feel heard and understood, not dating and courting her, neglecting her, and on top of that, being rude and abusive to her.
And I don’t know if no contact is my best bet yet. Please help.
Again, she’s pushing you away, saying, “I need time for myself.” When a woman wants space, you must give it to her. You don’t keep barraging her like a needy, insecure jackass trying to control things. You need to take care of you, so when she does reach out, you can be calm like, “Hey, babe. It’s really good to hear from you. It’s good to hear your voice. I miss you. I want to see you. Get your cute little ass over here. Let’s make dinner together and talk and catch up.”
And if she’s like, “Oh, I don’t know. It’s probably not a good time,” it’s like, “Babe, we can solve anything. I miss the sound of your voice. I miss your lips. I want to see you. I want you to feel heard and understood. I promise, when you come over, we will talk. And before you leave, you will be right as rain. You will finally feel like you are heard and understood and your man gets you. So, come on over.” Hang out, have fun, and hook up.
But you’ve got to make her feel heard and understood, because she came over and you hung out, had fun and hooked up. But the problem was, when she left, she really didn’t feel heard and understood. You didn’t really take the time. But where you made things worse was you kept pursuing and kept trying to force yourself into her life when she needs space. It’s the worst thing you can do, because you’re communicating, when you act needy, that you don’t have your act together. She can’t trust your masculine core if you’re losing your shit and acting neurotic and needy. It’s not attractive.
She needs you to be like, “Alright. No problem, babe. Call me when you feel better. Call me when you need to talk. Call me when you’re ready to talk. I’d love to see you.” You’re there with open arms, waiting for her when she’s ready. This is not some chick he just went out on two or three dates with. I’m sure the guys will go, “Let her go! Fuck her!” You don’t know what you don’t know.
This guy wants to have a chance to fix this. My job, as a coach, is to give that to him. It’s easy to just go, “Oh, yeah. Toss her aside, find somebody else.” It’s like, you don’t connect with people like this on a daily basis. It just doesn’t happen. The good ones that connect with you well are hard to come by. Therefore, you should put the time and effort in, to do your part. So, if it doesn’t work out, you say, “Hey, I gave I gave it my best effort. She wasn’t willing to participate. She didn’t want to play with me anymore, so I went and found a new partner to play with.”
That’s all you can do at this point. You’ve got to be disciplined. You’ve got to let the girl be. When she starts to think about you, and wonder about you, and miss you, and she’s ready to talk, she’ll reach out.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Also, “Quotes, Ruminations & Contemplations — Volume II” is out. The audiobook, paperback, hardcover, digital are all available. So, until next time, I we’ll talk to you soon.