She’s Argumentative & Difficult. I Woke Up To 100 Missed Calls From Her! Is This Salvageable?
How to know if your relationship is salvageable if she’s argumentative & difficult.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who is 23 and his girlfriend is 22. The relationship started off great, but several issues have surfaced since then. She claims to have “pretty privilege” but is argumentative and difficult and he often finds himself apologizing. She has a temper and has cheated on all previous boyfriends. He moved for college athletics and she thinks he is goofing around and partying when he is simply busy with his studies and training. He recently woke up one morning to 100 missed phone calls from her! He wonders if this is salvageable. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be, “She’s Argumentative & Difficult. I Woke Up To 100 Missed Calls From Her. Is This Salvageable?”
Can you imagine waking up to 100 missed calls from anybody? Whew! Well, this one should be fun. So this particular guy, he’s young, he’s 23, his girlfriend’s 22. He says the relationship started off great, but several issues have surfaced since then. She claims that she’s got pretty privilege, but she’s argumentative and difficult, and he often finds himself apologizing. That’s just kind of the mentality of the guy that’s got “happy wife, happy life” type of attitude.
Where you just allow women to walk all over you and browbeat you, and you just cry, uncle, so they’ll stop nagging you. You want easy going, easy to get along with and you’ll see it’s just, this girl is not being easygoing or easy to get along with. And so, on top of that, he moved away for college athletics. And so, he’s training a lot. He’s going to school a lot, and she thinks he’s goofing around and partying, and she doesn’t trust him, obviously. And on top of that, she apparently has cheated on all of her previous boyfriends. And so, he’s kind of getting sick of, you know, the attitude and the way she’s behaving.
And then there’s obviously some red flags here going on, because typically what you see with people that cheat and they lie is that they’re often very accusatory towards the people that they date. In other words, they project what’s inside. No one will ever do or say anything to you that isn’t a direct reflection of how they feel about themselves in a moment. So with that in mind, let’s go through his email and see what’s he dealing with. Is this somebody that’s salvageable, or is she just too much of a pain in the ass?
You hear me say all the time you want a girl who’s easy going, easy to get along with, who’s nice to you, typically really loves her father, really respects him, admires him and respects his authority. Not a woman who loves her father, but the father is a pushover and a pussy, and she browbeats him into submission to always get what it is that she wants. We want a guy that ideally is going to raise the perfect girl, if you will. He’s going to be a good father. He’s the man.
He’s the head of the household. His authority is the final authority, and the wife respects him and his authority. And if she doesn’t, well, the daughters aren’t going to do that either. And if they watch the mom just constantly nag and browbeat the father into submission, well, that’s normal to them. And so, they’re going to expect to operate the same way with you, because that’s what Mom and dad taught them is normal. So with that in mind, let’s go through his email.
Viewer’s Email:
Hello Coach,
My girlfriend and I have been together for three years now. I’m 23, and she’s 22. Initially, our relationship showed great promise.
Well, you remember it’s the honeymoon phase. People can hide who they are for about the first 90 days of a relationship. And plus, when your emotions are involved, you’ll see the red flags, but you’ll ignore them. You just go, “oh, it’s fine, I can work with this. She’s hot. She’s got a nice butt.”
However, over time, various issues have surfaced. She tends to have a temper and has grown accustomed to getting what she wants in life, which she refers to as “pretty privilege.”
Especially with all the soft guys in society that let her get away with it. It’s like, she becomes a tyrant. That’s what happens, especially if she doesn’t have a father that teaches her to chill. I mean, you see that on all those Twitter fights that you see these just big brawls happening. And what I see is just a lot of women that didn’t, and men, for that matter, didn’t have fathers in the home to teach them how to chill the fuck out.
And so, they go into public and they just lose their minds and lose their shit and just absolutely wreck shop on each other. I mean, it looks like Fight Club. Fight Club, Waffle House edition. Fight. I saw there was a um, there was a protest somewhere. It was like New York. And so, you’ve got a pride parade, mostly Democrats, obviously. And then you got the pro-Palestinian, uh, parade, if you will, blocking traffic. And so, then they started brawling and throwing down. And it’s like you know, a bunch of woke people fighting each other like it’s pretty crazy.
If you know something like that’s going to go down, it’s like, why would you go to it? Normal people would avoid that. They’d want to have a good time. But there are people that just like to mix it up in society. That’s what they’re used to. They’re used to the drama. You should pay attention to things like that. People, you attract, how you act. And so, if you got angry, upset woman probably wasn’t a strong father in the household.
And if she’s used to always getting her way, like I was saying earlier, if dad’s a pushover, then she’s not going to respect men, she’s going to not going to respect a male authority in any way. Always going to be seeking to countermand or undermine men. And it makes it difficult to be with. It’s like, why deal with somebody that’s constantly challenging you on your authority?
Around the two-year mark, serious problems began to arise, especially since we were living together. During arguments, she avoids space, communication, solutions, or even comfort. I find myself constantly apologizing, usually along the lines of “I’m sorry I upset you by doing x.”
Or I mean the right way to apologize. “Hey, I’m sorry if what I did made you feel a certain way. That was not my intention.” That’s a better way to apologize.
She often becomes defensive.
Well, if she’s overly criticized by the parents, or the dad, then yeah, at some point, what happens is you develop within you that just the need to never accept any kind of criticism. Because most of what you got from your parents was just critical behavior, constantly criticizing you for everything. So your natural go to reaction is automatically to defend yourself and never accept any blame.
It makes it really hard to recognize when you are in the wrong, especially if you’ve been constantly criticized. And any time anybody gives you any of the slightest bit of criticism or negative feedback, you just won’t handle it well. So it’s something to be aware of, especially if you grew up in that kind of an environment.
She often becomes defensive and resorts to verbal attacks during arguments, making it challenging to have constructive conversations.
Yeah, it’s hard to work things out with a hothead. Even when you’re calm. If again, if the environment back home was everybody yelling and screaming at each other, that’s going to be normal to her. It’s being calm and talking things out is going to be completely foreign because she’s never seen anything like that. She’s never experienced anything like that. And the only way you’re going to be able to work with a woman like this is if she’s willing to respect you and your authority.
This is part of setting and enforcing healthy boundaries. You gotta say, “look, if we’re going to be together, this is the way things have to be. We have to talk things out in a loving manner, yelling and screaming at me and being argumentative and difficult, I don’t want to deal with that. That’s immature. It’s dysfunctional and I’m just done. I’m not down with it. It doesn’t work for me. Maybe that’s what you’re used to, but that shit don’t fly in my household.”
Recently, due to my college athletics commitments, I moved away, leading to more arguments.
Yeah, because now you’re not spending time with her, especially if she’s insecure. And as you’ll see later on in the email, she’s cheated on everybody. And probably because she doesn’t trust you, because she’s, quite frankly, not very trustworthy.
I am a full time student, working part time and have some sort of activity 6 days a week. So I am not spending my time partying or anything like that. One night, during a heated exchange, I suggested we take time to cool off. Her response was simply, “Fine, I’m going to bed.”
Well, when a woman says, “fine”, it’s not fine. But if she’s being a hothead and not willing to be nice, not willing to talk to respectfully, you’re going to have to disengage. She’s going to have to learn that she’s violating your boundaries and yelling and screaming at you and calling you names. You’re like, “Look, I’m going to go to bed or I’m going to get off the phone and we can talk about this when you’re ready to apologize and be nice to me, because what you’re doing is abusive. It’s disrespectful. And this is not how adults work things out. We have to be able to talk things out in a calm manner.”
And so, she’ll learn that if she loses her shit, she’s going to get the silent treatment, not the silent treatment. You’re going to ignore her, but you’re just going to leave the conversation. If she won’t treat you with respect, then you have to leave the conversation, whether that’s physically leave and go off and do something.
Go for a drive, go for a walk, whatever it happens to be, and then come back when you both are in clear heads and talk things out. But if this is just her go to strategy, because this is what was modeled at home, man, it’s going to be really difficult to get her to communicate in the way that you want, just because she’s so used to chaos and drama.
I fell asleep pondering our situation and woke up to over 100 missed calls from her. She even contacted my roommate, who informed her I was asleep, yet she continued calling.
Jesus. 100 missed phone calls. That’s not normal. That sounds like someone that’s in a panic or in a rage. Answer your damn phone, you bastard! How dare you sleep on me? That’s not normal. That’s not normal. That tells me that there wasn’t a dad, or if the dad was around.
He was not in control of himself. He was a guy that was constantly losing his shit and yelling and screaming and causing chaos in the house. And all she’s doing is playing out the patterns that were modeled for her. So poor guy.
The following morning, she was furious about missing calls and accused me of neglect.
You were sleeping. Absolutely no respect at all for this guy. She doesn’t respect him one bit. She just doesn’t respect men.
I explained that my phone doesn’t vibrate at night, but her anger persisted. This incident, among others, has fueled serious doubts about our relationship. My roommates and friends have advised me to leave her.
Well again, you got to set the boundaries and then if she violates them unfortunately, you have to enforce them, and you got to give her distance and space. She has to learn that if she doesn’t interact with you in a calm, loving, adult manner, then she’s going to get the gift of missing you, and you’re not going to talk to her until she’s ready to calm down. And if she refuses to calm down, then there’s not much you can do about it. If she refuses to treat you the way you want to be treated, you either put up with it or you go find somebody else that’s going to treat you the way you want to be treated.
Because it’s like, how many times does this have to happen before you’re just. And she just won’t get the message, she won’t change. And the only thing that typically will change a woman like this behavior is, losing enough good men in her life to where she realizes every time she acts like a jack in the box she’s going to drive every guy away. But unfortunately, in this world, there’s lots of beta males that will put up with this shit.
And then that further validates that her behavior is okay and acceptable, because there’ll be guys that’ll put up with it. You want somebody who’s easy going, easy to get along with, a girl really loves and respects her father because typically, if she loves and respects and admires and looks up to her father and respects his authority, she’ll respect yours typically.
She claims to be “working on it” for a year now, but I haven’t seen any improvement.
Well, there you go. You’ve given her 12 months and nothing’s improved, and yet you still put up with it.
I moved out eight months ago because she frequently put me down and exhibited aggressive behavior.
A man wants to come home to a peaceful, calm environment full of feminine joy, feminine sexuality and softness and kindness, and a woman who’s a giver, who’s flexible, who admires you, who respects you, who looks up to you. Not a chick who’s just, every time you come home is looking for a fight.
Because again, if that was how she was raised, that is literally locked into her physiology, that’s all she knows. That’s normal to her. And you either put up with it or you don’t. I mean, you’ve given her a year to change. And what is she doing? Nothing. She claims to be working on it. But as you said, nothing’s changed.
While I acknowledge my imperfections, she sees me as the one she wants to marry.
It’s like, well, you should be letting her know that your standards are easy going, easy to get along with. Not a hothead. Not somebody that calls you names, not somebody that’s got anger issues, not somebody that’s difficult and argumentative. And as you said, it’s been a year and she hasn’t changed any of it. So why would you want to even considering or even talking about marriage is absurd when this behavior is the way it is.
Because if you go and you marry this girl, all you’re doing is communicating that this is fine. This is a standard because she has not driven you away yet with that behavior, and all she’s going to do is make you miserable. And if you guys have kids together, well, then your kid’s going to grow up and seek out the same kind of drama filled relationships. And if she doesn’t respect you and you have daughters, your daughters are not going to respect you.
However, considering she cheated on all her previous partners and has never been in a long-term relationship before me, I expected more introspection from her.
Well. It is what it is. You got to see her as she is. And it’s not good behavior when she’s very accused of. I mean, somebody that blows your phone up 100 times. And when she knows you’re sleeping, that’s abnormal behavior.
Should I listen to my friends’ advice and end things, or should I give her more time to change?
Your insights would be greatly appreciated.
Best regards,
Bob
Well, you give her 12 months. You moved out because you got so sick of it and you haven’t seen any change. What are you waiting for? I mean, how much more time do you want to give her? You gave her 12 months. She doesn’t respect you. She doesn’t respect your boundaries, and she keeps violating them. So the question is, at what point are you just like, that’s it, I’m out, I’m tapping out. I can’t deal with this. And if you do, if you do reject her, she’ll become even more aggressive. And maybe your attitude changes.
But, you know, people typically most of the time, not in all cases, but almost 100% of the cases, they don’t change who they are. They may become a better version, but they don’t change. She knows what your standards are. You’ve asked to repeatedly, and she just simply doesn’t respect you and your authority and your masculinity enough to change and treat you properly. So we have to assume, after 12 months of giving her time to change and her claiming she’s working on it, and as you said, it hasn’t changed in 12 months.
So how many more months of your life are you willing to waste waiting for her to change? I can’t make that decision for you. I’m not here to be your mommy or your daddy or your priest and make your decisions. But it’s pretty clear she ain’t changing. If you look at her actions and even your friends and people that know her are like, “time to Deep six or time to tap out, throw her ass back to the streets.” If it was me, I would have left a long time ago. I wouldn’t have put up with this. I mean, I like girls that are.
All you have to do is have one relationship with a woman who’s easy going, easy to get along with, really sweet, loves her mom and dad respects her father. And then you’re ruined, man. That’s your new standard. You’ll never, ever put up with this crap again from any woman. At least not for a very long period of time. You’ll just get sick of it and you will tap out. So if you guys haven’t already joined our Members Only Content if you’re watching this video on YouTube, in the video description below, you’ll see a link to where you can Subscribe to the Members Only Content on YouTube.
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