She Said She Needed A Break
What you should do if she says that she needs a break until things are calmer in her life.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who started seeing a woman after he got divorced two years ago. Things were going really well for about four months. She works two jobs, and her work got busier in December. She backed away, saying this always happens and she doesn’t date anyone longer than 4–6 months because of it. She says she needed a break until things in her life are calmer.
They haven’t spoken in over a month now. She says they will pick up where they left off. He doesn’t want to waste his time waiting and asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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Keep in mind, this woman was all over this guy, and now all of a sudden she can’t find the time to spend with him because she’s so busy. Her schedule is crazy. Crazy! It’s so funny, girls all say the same thing, “My schedule is just crazy. It’s crazy busy.” When you hear shit like that, you go, “Nah, it’s an exaggeration.” The point being is women don’t want to hurt your feelings when they dump you or they push you away. But she did leave the door open. She says, “Oh, we’ll just pick back up where we left off.”
So, I’ve got a quote that I wrote, and then we’ll go through this email, because this happens a lot to guys. Guys get the “I need a break” or “let’s take some space,” and then the guy just sits around in limbo, waiting on the woman to make up her mind on what they want to do to move forward, potentially, in the future or not. And so, it’s really important, as a man, how you handle this.
Obviously, you should be reading How To Be A 3% Man 10 to 15 times and learning the fundamentals and lining up other prospects, because you’re never going to sit around and wait. And it’s obvious this guy is probably new to my work. He just says he’s come across some YouTube videos, so I don’t think he’s probably even read the book yet. And so, his attraction and dating strategy is flawed, and he’s obviously now finding that out, like a lot of guys do, because he was married, probably for a long time. And a lot of guys get back into the dating world and they realize, “Wow, things are a little different.”
The quote says:
“When a woman asks for a break, says she needs space, she is too busy to date, needs to work on herself, etc., what she is really saying is that she’s no longer romantically attracted and wants to break things off to see if her feelings return.”
Women know, on some level, that absence makes the heart grow fonder. And sometimes when they get their distance, the feelings come back, but sometimes they don’t. And so, that’s why they kind of leave that caveat and give the guy the impression that it could potentially work out. But the important thing as a man is that you’re not going to stop your life and wait for her to figure it out. You’re going to continue moving on with the fun bus. If she gets off, “Hey, don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.”
“If they do not return, you will never hear from them again.”
Meaning her feelings don’t return. That’s why you don’t sit around and wait.
“Women don’t dump men they are in love with. They dump men they feel nothing for. When you get rejected or dumped, you should assume it’s over for good, walk away and never look back. Tell her to get in touch if she ever changes her mind.”
The worst thing you can do, as a man, is sit around and wait, or on top of that, keep pursuing a woman who’s asked for space or asked for a break. Because she’s basically saying, “I don’t want you in my life.” And your attitude should be, “Oh, you don’t want me in your life? Okay. Well, I guess I’m going to have to find somebody younger and hotter. Darn it. I’m going to really suffer through that.” You’ll move on. You’ll be unperturbed. You’re unbothered, you’re indifferent to it. “Your loss.”
But the reality is, unless the girl is a fruit loop — you’re assuming the girl’s normal and not a fruit loop — what typically happens is the guys keep pursuing. But if you’re a guy who loves and values yourself, you’re going to move forward and you’re not going to wait.
Viewer’s Email:
Coach,
I came across some of your videos on YouTube. Wanted to ask some advice. I was seeing this woman after my divorce of two years. We hit it off great and were seeing each other for 4 months. She came to my dad’s funeral and was really there for me through all of that. She was constantly coming over, going out on dates, having sex and really enjoying each other.
So that’s the important thing. She had plenty of time. When her interest is high, they make time and when it’s low, “Oh my schedule, it’s crazy, it’s busy. It’s just nuts. I can’t. It’s just crazy busy. Work’s crazy!”
She is a single mom and works two jobs, the second being on the weekend at a restaurant where she sometimes works until midnight. Her schedule really picked up in December, and we really were not getting to see each other as much.
Also, she could have purposely picked up more shifts just to be unavailable, because she wanted space from you. Typically what happens, the guys in this situation are pursuing too much and they’re starting to smother her. And when you smother a woman, you’re pursuing too much. You’re basically acting feminine and needy, and it’s a turnoff.
She had told me that her job has been like this before and she really was unable to date longer than 4/6 months due to this.
So, this is probably a recurring pattern. Guys get hooked, they want a relationship, they want more. They start pursuing too much, she pushes them away. Typically, she’s probably attracting guys that are a little weak, a little needy. And so, it predictably ends the same way. She keeps attracting the same kind of guy. Well, this particular guy that wrote the email recognized something’s off, and then he came across yours truly. And now, he’s recognizing, “I’ve got to fill in my knowledge gap.”
I told her many times if something was going on to just tell me, and she constantly says she wants to pick up where we left off when things settle down and does not want to say ‘fuck it’, however she said it could 6 months.
So, that’s basically her way of saying, “Yeah, once we have space and distance and you disappear, I might start missing you and get in touch.” But you don’t wait around for that to happen. You just say, “Hey, maybe I messed up, maybe I pursued too much, but I’m going to get better. I’m going to read this blue book with that shaved-headed dude on there, who’s pretty handsome, I must add, and improve my life and get better.” Because if she comes back, the idea is you want to get better. You want to clean up the unattractive behavior that led to her pushing you away. Because women don’t dump guys that they’re in love with. They dump guys that they don’t have any attraction for or they lost attraction for.
I haven’t texted her since 1/15 and basically have gone into no contact. She said we needed a break until things were calmer in her life. I do have feelings for this woman but want to know is this a waste of my time?
Thanks.
Bob
Yes, if you keep pursuing her, but you have to recognize that she was really into you and got turned off. Now, I’m assuming she’s a normal woman and she’s not a fruit loop. So, assuming she’s a normal woman, then we have to look at your behavior. Because at the end of the day, you’re the one writing the email, not this chick. So, I’m only able to help you anyway, and not her. Because she’s not interested in that, she’s pushing you away.
Women don’t push guys away that they’re really into. I mean, this girl was all over you having sex, everything was great. And now all of a sudden, “Aw shucks, gosh darn it, I might not be able to see you for six months.” In other words, she’s not willing to make time to see you, because she’s not into you. And that’s a hard pill to swallow. It’s not what you want to hear. Because, as he said, “I do have feelings for this woman but want to know, is this a waste of my time?” It’s nice that you have feelings, but no matter how much you like her, it does nothing for her interest in you.
You have to recognize that she’s gotten turned off. Most importantly, you’ve got to diagnose why? Why did that happen? And that’s why you should read “How To Be A 3% Man.” It’s free to read at UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just subscribe to the email newsletter. Because once you go through it, you’ll have the experience that most guys have, which is all the light bulbs go off and you’ll see where you went wrong. There will be things in there like, “Man, she said exactly what the book says,” and it makes it pretty easy to understand where you went wrong.
Because if you don’t read the book and you’re trying to cherry pick things from videos, you might get a little bit better, but the same thing will happen again. The idea is, if you don’t read the book and fill in your knowledge gap, then say she does return, you’ll go right back to the same behavior that turned her off, and the same thing will happen again.
The goal is, between now and potentially when you hear from her or you meet somebody better, that you fill in your knowledge gap and you get better. So, if she comes back, you’re prepared to do everything properly, so you reattract her like you want, or you attract somebody better. And if you get into a relationship with them, and then this girl shows up, you can be like, “Oh, sorry, I’m seeing somebody, but hey, wish you all the best. Good luck in all your future endeavors.”
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
“When a woman asks for a break, says she needs space, she is too busy to date, needs to work on herself, etc., what she is really saying is that she’s no longer romantically attracted and wants to break things off to see if her feelings return. If they do not return, you will never hear from her again. Women don’t dump men they are in love with. They dump men they feel nothing for. When you get rejected or dumped, you should assume it’s over for good, walk away and never look back. Tell her to get in touch if she ever changes her mind.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
