She Lost Attraction & Needs Space
What you should do if your girl has lost physical attraction to you, and she says she needs space and time away from you.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a guy who has come to realize that his girlfriend has backed away, wants to see him less, says she has lost physical attraction to him and is unsure if she wants to continue in the relationship, and needs space and time away from him to figure out her feelings.
He asks what he can do so her attraction for him starts to grow again and so she wants to stay in, fix and continue their relationship. He asks what he can do to turn things around and give their relationship the best possible chance to continue. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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Hello Coach,
I am new to your channel and have found your videos very helpful. My girlfriend and I are taking space from each other right now, and I would love to hear some words of advice and your opinion on our matter.
We have been together for a year and a half now, and we go to the same University. We see each other a lot, (after talking about it, I came to realize it was too much), and we were very loving, caring and affectionate until recently.
So in other words, you started displaying signs that you cared more about her than she did about you. You were behaving in a way that communicated you had more to lose if a breakup happened or things went sideways. Your woman wants you to be okay when you have not heard from her. She doesn’t want you fucking freaking out and thinking the world’s coming to an end when she hasn’t gotten back to you in a short period of time or hasn’t been seeing you as much as you would have liked.
You’re looking to your girlfriend to be the reason why you’re happy and your life is good. Your whole identity is wrapped up in your relationship with her. Therefore, if you’re potentially going to lose that relationship, “Oh my god, I have to do something about this to stop it” — the illusion of action. This is typically what guys do. They think they have to do something to fix things. And it’s your doing things, your overdoing things, your over-pursuing and acting needy and unworthy that caused her to doubt whether she wants to be with you.
She has completely lost attraction, and it’s just because you’re not acting masculine. You’re acting very feminine and unsure of yourself. She’s a feminine woman that was in a relationship with a masculine dude, and now that you’re not acting masculine, she’s not sure. So the quickest way for you to turn things around is for you to go back to acting like the dude you were before — focusing on your studies and hanging out with your friends.
When a woman tells you she needs space, you give it to her. “Get in touch with me when you get a chance,” “Get in touch with me when you miss me,” or “Call me when you get caught up on all those things, and we’ll get together then.” You have to be okay with her going off and doing things. The ideal situation, in a healthy relationship, when your girl gets wrapped up in other things, in your mind, you should be thinking, “That’s awesome. I can catch up with my buddies, I can have a guys night out, I can clean out the garage, I can work on my car, I can get caught up on my homework, I can go to the gym, I can go see my parents,” and you’re excited. Then you go about your business, and in a day or two when you haven’t heard from your girlfriend, it shouldn’t bother you.
Then all of a sudden, she’ll reach out to you and say, “Hey, I’ve been busy. I haven’t heard from you. It kind of seems like you don’t miss me at all.” Then you say, “Well, of course I miss you baby. Why don’t you come over here, bring some wine, and let’s hang out. I will show you how much I missed you.” Ideally, you want her wondering whether or not you missed her, but instead, you’re acting the opposite. The sexual polarity is completely reversed.
A month ago, she got very busy with her preparations for a competition she has now come back from. During this time, she asked for some time to focus and that we text less.
Women help you when they like you, so she’s telling you, “we need to be talking less, you’re texting me a little too much,” and you didn’t really get the hint. You took it as “oh, she doesn’t like me that much. I need to do something to make her like me more.“ You’re looking to her to validate you. In other words, “Do you still like me? Do you still care about me? Are you still happy with me as your boyfriend? Do you miss me?” This typically happens when you don’t get enough ‘atta boys’ when you’re a kid. You don’t get healthy reinforcement.
It became hard for me, and while I did my best to respect her wishes,
Obviously, you didn’t respect her wishes when she said, “I need space.”
it turns out I had put too much pressure on her during these weeks.
She told you what to do, but you didn’t really listen. You didn’t really know how to back off.
When she came back from her week-long competition abroad, she was different. She felt that we spend too much time together, and if she was busy, she would feel guilty that she couldn’t give me the attention I wanted, which also pressured her.
Remember, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free,” the quote by Thich Nhat Hanh I always talk about. So that’s part of your problem here. She no longer felt free and like an individual in this relationship. She felt like she was your human pacifier. She was there to soothe your insecure feelings, instead of being an equal and a teammate. It fucking turned her off, and she wanted to be around you less. How could a guy like that protect her when he’s coming unglued because he hadn’t had enough time with her?
She also said that during these weeks, her physical attraction towards me had faded significantly, and that she was rethinking the relationship.
When you act feminine like that, the attraction dissolves quickly. And as soon as you start acting masculine again, it’ll come right back.
She believes it’s in her nature to lose attraction suddenly, as it happened with her ex before.
More than likely, she had a previous boyfriend who was also needy. So in her mind, now she’s thinking it’s going to probably end up the same way with you that it did with him, because you’re acting the same way. And again, she’s still partially helping you here, because she’s saying this is what happened before. In other words, don’t be like my ex-boyfriend and chase me away.
However, I see that there is a correlation in my neediness and her losing attraction, (not until after a few days of me asking her too many questions).
You were constantly trying to find out where you stood with her, which is just communicating weakness and neediness and that you didn’t feel worthy. What woman wants to stay with a guy who doesn’t feel worthy to be with her? It’s not attractive, and it’s not helping your case.
She is confused with her current situation, but knows that apart from the physical attraction, all her feelings for me are the same. However, because she is confused, she doesn’t know if she still wants to be in the relationship.
“Oh honey, you’re just stressed out, and you’re going through a phase. In a couple of days, you’ll be missing me, kicking my door down and wanting to tear my clothes off because you miss me.” That’s the kind of attitude you want to have.
All her girlfriends tell her that once the feeling fades, it’ll never come back.
It sounds like she has some helpful girlfriends who are trying to sabotage it as well. The reality is, for most women, that’s their experience. When a guy starts behaving this way, it just keeps going that way until he completely turns them off. Now that you have my book, “How To Be A 3% Man” in your corner, and hopefully you’re reading it, you’ll be doing the opposite of all those other guys. Eventually, they’ll be gushing over you and thinking, “you’re so lucky to have him.”
She was going to decide on it in a very stressful time of hers and within a week. After talking about it, she agreed to wait until the end of this semester to see if she thinks differently. We have exams coming up, so we won’t actually see each other as much either.
When a woman asks you for space, give it to her. Don’t call her, don’t text her, do nothing. Let her text you. Remember, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. And in this particular case, she knows exactly where she stands with you. She’s bored, she’s tired of your neediness, she’s tired of constantly having to validate you, and she’s disgusted by it. So when you just let her be, and she hasn’t heard from you, then she’ll start to think, “Does he not like me? Does he not care about me? It doesn’t seem like he’s missing me as much.” And the reality is, it’s much better for the relationship if she’s more unsure than you.
I’ve understood that it would be best for us to get some space from each other to focus on ourselves and think about the relationship properly.
No, I would just say, “I know you’re busy and overwhelmed. Take some time to get caught up in your studies, and when things clear up, get in touch. Then we’ll hang out.”
Because of the limited time we have, we will be taking about 14 days off from each other. After this, we will only meet up once a week where we will spend lunch to talk and study together in our free period.
Now you’ve agreed to do things strictly in a platonic sense. Instead of planning ahead of time that in two weeks you’re going to go to lunch every day, because you’re kind of friend-zoning yourself here, when she finally reaches out, assume she wants to see you and make a date at your place to make dinner together. Hang out, have fun and hook up. That’s always the magic formula. At the end of the day, that’s what a date is.
I believe that this relationship of ours is worth saving and that this issue is something that we can resolve.
If you start acting like a man again, you’re in your masculine, and you let her come back to you at her own pace, instead of trying to force it, it will be her idea. And if it’s her idea, then you’re not going to have to worry about getting rejected. I would stop calling and texting her. Simply wait to hear from her, and when you do, assume she wants to see you, and make a date.
I am unsure whether there is anything else I can do after our time off to resolve the situation.
Don’t try to resolve it all. Just try to hang out, have fun and hook up. Let her come to you.
If we take the time off, and she comes back to realize she wants this relationship, then that is great. I also wonder what it is I can do if the space isn’t enough to have her attracted and committed again.
Hang out with your friends, get back in the gym, get back into your hobbies and your interests, and just assume she’ll get in touch when she misses you. Because the reality is, you only want to spend time with her when she really misses you. When she misses you, she’s going to be super affectionate and want to be together, and it’s going to be her idea.
In this particular case, since she’s pushed you way and she needs space, give her all the space she needs, even if you don’t hear from her for a week or two. You’ve got to let her fucking be, because you obviously chased too much, and more chasing is not going to make her want you more. All it’s going to do is turn her off completely and cause her to decide it’s best that you go your separate ways, which is the exact opposite of what you want.
I am looking forward to your opinion and advice in this matter. Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Bob
You’re in a simple place. The reality is, you do nothing. You wait to hear from her, assume she wants to see you, and make a date. Don’t be creating all these heavy topics and trying to find out where you stand with her. Just look at it for what it is. Her attraction level dropped because you didn’t act like a masculine man consistently. Now, by acting like a masculine man consistently and letting her come to you, it will be her idea, the attraction will grow, and as her attraction grows for you again, she will call and text you more to spend more time together.
“Love is about giving. You share your completeness with each other. You don’t complete one another. Needing another person to complete you is the result of seeking attention and validation from outside of yourself. When you depend upon external sources of attention and validation to make yourself feel whole and complete and content with your life, you deny yourself the ability to make yourself happy from within. Happiness is a conscious choice. You can either choose to assign positive and empowering meanings to the circumstances of your life and be happy as a result of where you are, or you can choose to be miserable and unhappy when people don’t match your unreasonable expectations. The effort is the same, no matter which way you choose to feel about yourself and your life.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
