She Doesn’t Act Like I’m Really That Important To Her. Why?
How to tell if your girl is really into you or if you are really not that important to her.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss 2 different emails from 2 different viewers. The 1st email is from a 26 year old viewer who has been with his girlfriend 2 years. He’s only read 3% Man twice. His girlfriend recently went to a club with her single girlfriends for the first time. She had such a good time, she wants to go again, but doesn’t want him to go.
The 2nd email is from a guy who says that he has read 3% Man 10 times. He’s been dating a woman for 2 months. He says she’s all over him on their dates, but she rarely reaches out in between dates. She also sometimes takes hours or even a few days to respond to his messages. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.
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I’ve got two different emails I’m going to go through with you today. One of these guys has read 3% Man ten times, but he’s still making mistakes, because he’s projecting his high interest onto his girl, or the girl he’s trying to date. It’s obvious he’s way more into her than she is in him, and he’s communicated that. And so you, can tell that she’s not reciprocating on a level that she should be after a couple of months of dating.
And the second email is from a guy that’s only been through my book twice. He’s been with this girlfriend for two years, and she’s always wanted to go to nightclubs and she’s never been before, so he finally relented, gave her permission, said okay. Because he’s like, people that are in relationships don’t go to nightclubs with their single girlfriends and not bring their husbands or boyfriends. And they especially don’t tell their husbands or boyfriends that they’re not welcome to join her and the girls. So, in essence, this girl, his girlfriend, now, she had such a good time, she wants to go again, but she still doesn’t want him to go.
And so, both of these guys, you can tell they’re both more into their girls than the girls are into them. And this is what happens when you project your fantasy of what you want, or who you believe or want the girl to be, while ignoring the reality. But both of them, their Spidey senses are tingling, and they know something is up. So, let’s see what we can do to help them clean up their game and critique their approach.
First Viewer’s Email:
Hey Coach,
Thank you for all you have done for clueless men like me. I am in a bit of an ordeal and I wish to seek your advice. I am 26 and attached for about 2 years with my girlfriend. We got together thanks to your book and coaching videos. (I read it only twice so far… my bad, Coach. I’ve picked it up again.)
So, he probably read it a couple of years ago, before he got into a relationship, and hasn’t picked it up since. He never bothered learning the dating and courtship and the relationship skills, and probably was just focused on pickup. And this is why I constantly say, you will get attainable success, but you can’t sustain it.
Initially she wasn’t quite sure about us and I only managed to get her to confess to me 8 months after we got to know each other, (really rocky and messy start).
It’s because you didn’t learn the book, you didn’t learn the fundamentals. You were trying to cherry pick in videos, and you often are going to come off as a robot. You’re trying to copy and paste things from videos that are based upon an understanding of the fundamentals, which obviously you lacked. And so, you’re oftentimes going to copy and paste the wrong thing for your particular situation, because you don’t know the cues to look for.
Both of the guys that I talked to in my phone sessions yesterday, the same thing. They have been following me a lot. One guy, five years, and just now started reading the book. He’s been going through a couple of dating scenarios. A couple of women that he really liked over the past few months, he screwed up with them. These were such obvious things that the guy should have known better. But he was a little arrogant and full of himself, stuck in his ego, and didn’t want to admit that he had a knowledge gap he needed to fill in. And so, he got burned by rejection pretty badly in both cases, and he’s still stinging from that.
And so, finally, after five years of following me, he decided to pick up the book for the first time and actually start reading it. But he’s still insisting, at least at first, that he really didn’t need to read it 10 to 15 times, because he was so smart and special, because he’s very successful in business. I was like, “Well, if you were so successful and so smart, you wouldn’t be on the phone with me.” The guy is talking to me, because he wasn’t following instructions.
So, sometimes, especially when you’re dealing with high income, high net worth people, they’re used to pushing people around, but then they get pushed around by a girl, and then they just start flailing. And oftentimes, when I’m doing my phone sessions with these guys, they’re getting push-back from me, and it makes them look at parts of themselves that they don’t like — parts of themselves or their behavior that they, deep down, know is inappropriate. But because us guys tend to be egocentric, especially when it comes to women, we don’t want to admit that we need help or that our approach is flawed.
That’s why, for those of you who have been following me for awhile, and you’re very familiar with the books, if you offer it to ten of your friends, “You should really read this book. It’ll help you,” you’re lucky if one of them actually picks it up and gets through it once. Meanwhile, these guys continue to flail, and they look at you and they see your success, and you’re like, “I told you what to do.” And they’re like, “Yeah, but I don’t have the time.”
One of the guys from yesterday, who has been following me five years, just picked up the book for the first time. It was only because he was in really bad, emotional pain because of rejection, because he really liked both of these girls. And initially, he was thinking things were going to go somewhere with them, and now he got ghosted by both of them. So, it was a nasty, tough pill for him to swallow, but he really appreciated it at the end of the phone session.
But that’s why I get paid the big bucks. I help people see what they can’t see or don’t want to see and get them moving in the right direction. Because, really, all this stuff is about mindset and displaying your most attractive self. And if you’re displaying the attractive parts of your personality, women are going to be naturally drawn to you like moths to a light bulb.
She went to a club recently for the first time and she wouldn’t stop asking me if she could go again after. I allowed initially, because she has never been to one, and I didn’t want to devoid her of the experience. While I can bring myself to trust that she’s really going for the fun with friends and music, like your many videos, I subscribe to the idea that the club isn’t a place for people in a committed relationship.
It’s true. Especially if they’re going out to the club, and they don’t want their boyfriends or their husbands to attend. It’s obvious, because they go out and they get all dressed up, and some guys are in a relationship and they see their girl getting dressed up and looking hotter than she ever looks for them on a date.
I have communicated to her this notion too. I told her in the past that I am ok with her going once in a while, and now I really regret saying that, because I no longer feel that way, given how obsessed (no kidding) she is with trying to convince me to let her go. I’m struggling to stay congruent with my old words, and I feel stopping her from going will only result in resentment. Additionally, she mentioned she would want to go with her single female friends and would prefer I don’t join, (red flag). I would really appreciate your advice and views on this.
Thanks, love and respect from Singapore.
Bob
Well, the reality is, if we take a step back and we just bottom line her actions, she’s saying, “I’m having so much fun.” Because what’s happening is, she’s probably going out and she’s getting attention from guys, and she likes the attention. And again, this guy has been with her for two years, and the last time he read the book was probably before they even met. So, he never took the time to learn it. So, as he said, the relationship was really rocky and messy from the start, because he didn’t know what the hell he was doing.
And it’s obvious, two years later, he still doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing. And so, if we look at her actions, her actions are of a girl who is thinking like she’s a single person, and when she doesn’t want him to go with her to the club to share in the great time with her and her great friends, it’s obvious she’s going to get attention from other men.
And so, this guy is in the danger zone in his relationship. So, if it was me, I’d say, “If you want to go out with your single girlfriends, and you’re adamant that you don’t want me there, it’s obvious in your mindset, and your thinking, and your actions, you want to go out and behave like you’re a single girl. And you’re obviously enjoying the attention that you’re getting from other men. So, why should I be in a relationship with a girlfriend that wants to go party at the clubs without her boyfriend?”
“That tells me I’m not a priority. You don’t value the relationship like you should. And quite frankly, I’m not interested in being with a party girl. I’m not interested in you going through a party phase or a hoe phase while you’re in a relationship with me. You’re either committed to the relationship, or you want to go and act like you’re single.” I mean, it’s as simple as that. It doesn’t matter what she says, but it’s obvious. I mean, he’s been over this with her. And the fact that she doesn’t want him there, that is not good.
What that tells me is, maybe she met a guy at the club. Or maybe she met several guys, and she’s hoping to see them again. It’s possible she’s looking to monkey branch. It’s possible that her romantic interest and attraction is so low that she’s looking to find somebody else, and that’s why she doesn’t want him there. And she doesn’t want him there, because obviously inappropriate things are happening. If she’s going out with a bunch of single girlfriends who are going home and hooking up with other guys, she probably wants to do the same thing.
So, again, this is what happens when you don’t take the time to learn the material, you have no idea what you’re doing. We don’t even know if he really made a good choice in the first place. We know it was messy in the beginning, and we know two years later, he just picked up the book for the third time, because he’s having problems, because he never took what I said seriously. He never learned the material. And so, now his girlfriend of two years wants to basically behave like she’s single again and invite attention from other men. That’s what’s really going on here.
And so, when she brings it up, you’re going to have to confront her with it and say, “The only reason you want to go without me is because you’re liking the attention you’re getting from other men, and you want to behave like you’re single. And I’m not going to have a girlfriend that wants to go to the club without me and behave like she’s single with her other single girlfriends, who are going home with, or hooking up, or making out with strange dudes in the club. That’s not what I want for my life.”
“So, if we’re going to stay in a relationship, no, you’re not going to a club with with them. If you want me to go, maybe I’ll go with you. We can go every once in a while. But I don’t want to spend my life, at 26-years-old, hanging out in a nightclub. And then, on top of that, having dudes coming over when I’m not looking or paying attention, grabbing your ass, or talking to you, or trying to rip you off from me.”
That’s just not what people in committed relationships typically do. They may go out every once in a while to have some fun together, but one is certainly not going without the other if they have intentions of remaining loyal. It just looks like she’s trying to see what she can get away with. And if you’re soft and she’s been able to push you around, it would make sense. But you need to get your shit together, dude.
Second Viewer’s Email:
Hi Corey,
I am 25 and a big fan who has read your book 10–12 times and I have been following your videos for some time now. I have recently been seeing this amazing girl for about 2 months.
He’s probably pedestalized her too much.
When we’re together things are great. The connection is electric, she can’t keep her hands off of me, and the bedroom cardio is phenomenal. I keep a schedule of reaching out once a week and scheduling a date and I try to take her on fun, romantic, and involved dates.
So, if you’ve been seeing a girl for two months and you’re still only seeing each other once a week, and she doesn’t have some crazy work schedule or something where you’re you’re just always in conflict, that tells me that her interest and her attraction is not going up. It has just kind of flatlined. In other words, she’s just kind of going along with it. He’s not displaying enough attractive behaviors for her attraction and her interest to go up.
And we’ll see in the next paragraph how glaringly obvious that is, and also that he’s way more into her than she is in him. Because the way he phrases it, like a lot of these guys do is, “Hey, I read your book. I’m doing everything right, but her behavior doesn’t make sense.”
You can read the book 100 times, but if you’re doing the opposite of what the book teaches, you can’t expect to get good results. Or maybe you read the book 10 to 15 times five years ago, and haven’t read it or been through it since, and then, he’s since met this girl.
You’ve got to read the book, learn it, and you’ve got to be applying it and having experiences of success and a woman’s interest going up. Whereas, like myself and most guys that come to the channel, we’re used to meeting a girl that really likes us and we like her. And instead of her interest going up, it takes a dip pretty quickly and we never know why. We’ll ask the women “why, what happened?” and they never give us a straight answer. Or they give us answers that just make absolutely no sense at all.
And the good news is all the answers are in “3% Man.” It’s free to read at UnderstandingRelationships.com. Just subscribe to the email newsletter, the first thing you’ll see when you get to the website is the email sign up box.
Things seem to be going well, although she almost never text me first.
Yeah, After two months of dating, that’s not a good sign. That shows that she’s got a ‘take it or leave it’ kind of attitude. Remember, this guy, in the first paragraph was talking about how amazing she is and the sex is great. But emotionally, you’re not pushing her buttons, because you’re not applying what’s in the book properly.
Even when we first started dating she was never much of a big texter.
That’s a sign of low interest or a structured woman. Structured women won’t reach out at all, because they’re following a set of rules, and they’re a pain in the ass to date. That’s why I avoid them at all costs, and you should too. But guys that don’t listen, they find out the hard way.
And so, here it’s really telling, because again, we’ve got to look at the actions if we’re really trying to decipher what’s going on. Because she’s probably saying all kinds of sweet things to him when they’re together in person, but when they’re not together, you really get a picture of her true feelings.
Her replies are never long, usually short, but almost always enthusiastic.
“Almost always.” So, in other words, she’s not really putting a lot of energy into it. When a woman’s really into you, her texts are long, she texts you a lot, and is constantly in contact with you and making it easy for you to create the next opportunity for sex to happen.
They are also often hours or even a day or two later.
That’s not good. You’ve been dating and hooking up with this girl for two months, and she’s responding to your texts a day or two later? That’s not a good sign. When you see that kind of behavior, the book instructs you to match and mirror that. But more than likely, because he has pedestalized her, he’s not doing that.
I have slipped up a few times and texted her two or three days after a date to let her know I was thinking about her.
In other words, you’re acting like a chick. You’re still acting like the nice guy that you were before you came across my work. You can’t do the opposite of what the book teaches and be surprised that a woman’s interest just is flatlining. It’s not going up. It’s not really going down. In other words, she’s likes you enough and she enjoys the sex enough to where when you do reach out, she’ll get together with you.
But the fact that she’s waiting two and three days to text you back, that is not good. That shows she doesn’t respect you, she doesn’t value you and couldn’t give a damn one way or another if you just dropped off the radar. Because she’s probably got other guys she’s talking to as well. So, when she’s really horny and really wants to get it on, that’s why she’s enthusiastic. But after she goes home, she’s like, “Eh.” And if you’re fangirling her, “Oh, I had such a good time. I’m thinking about you, girl,” that’s not what the book teaches.
Although after recalling the mindset obtained from your book, I have stopped such behavior and I have been trying to mirror her response time to not seem like I am over-pursuing.
Well, you already have been overpursuing, and you know that. You’ve admitted to it in your email already. And this is a big part of why her interest is just flat. It’s not going up, because you’re making all of the effort. You’re more into her than she is into you. And I would say, the pursuing is probably like 90–95%, almost 100% you, and it should be the opposite of that after two months of dating.
This has me having a hard time gauging her interest in between hangouts.
Well, it’s low. That’s what it is. Because you’re projecting your high interest onto her, and you’re ignoring that she’s not reciprocating.
Do I just need to stay focused on the fact that we’re having fun dates, be patient, and have her come to me?
I look forward to hearing from you,
Bob
Well, if you normally reach out once a week to make a date, then skip a week. Wait 13 days. Wait 12 days. Wait 9 days. If you just went out with her last week and you still haven’t heard from her, don’t call or text her at all this week, and then text her. Because, remember, she’s waiting three days. So, what’s happening is, this is the important thing, she can feel that you’re way more into her than she’s into you. And it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear.
There’s a short video that’s on Instagram, it’s got over 800,000 views at this point, on what happens when guys pursue too much. What happens when a guy over pursues, in essence. And if you look in the comments, most of the women are going, “Oh, it should be 50/50. This is ridiculous. Don’t listen to this guy. I want a guy that texts me all the time,” blah, blah, blah. You know, all this other nonsense. And yet, if you read all the comments of the guys, the guys are like, “This has totally been my experience. Women say they want a guy to text them all the time. And then when we do that, they blow us off, and they wait 2 or 3 days, if they even reply at all.”
And so, the guys are validating it, based on their experience with women, but women are going, “Oh, it shouldn’t be this way, Don’t listen to this guy.” That’s why Sigmund Freud, back in the day, could never figure out women, because they typically do not understand themselves and how attraction works. They’re just driven by their emotions. That’s their main operating system. And it’s required, because if they’re going to nurture the children, they have to be that way.
And so, for this particular guy, like I said, the best thing to do is, if she’s waiting two, three days to reply to you, and then you’re making a date and you’re hooking up, like I said, skip a week, see what happens. And then then do that for a couple of weeks. If you went out last week, and you’re tempted to call her or text her to make a date for this week or this weekend, don’t. Call her or text her next week and make a date, and then see what happens.
If you don’t hear from her for 4 or 5 days, I would skip the following week and then ask her out again. Because you don’t want a girl that’s just going along with it. Because she’s treating you like an occasional friends with benefits. That’s why she waits 2 or 3 days, because she’s just not that into it. Obviously, the sex must be good, because she’s enthusiastic when she’s with you and enjoys having sex with you. But the fact you never hear from her in between dates, again, the problem is you’re still pursuing her too much.
And, as this guy admitted in his email, he’s been over pursuing. And so predictably, the woman is acting exactly the way they’re supposed to act. You can’t do the opposite of the book and then be shocked that you’re getting undesirable results. You can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.