How you should handle dating rude, immature and difficult women who cause unnecessary drama.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss two different emails from two different viewers who are getting jerked around and being mistreated with rude and disrespectful behavior by the women they really want to date. The first email is from a guy who got the let’s just be friends speech after three weeks of dating a girl he met on Tinder. She displayed a lot of rude and disrespectful behavior towards him that he dismisses and excuses because he likes her so much.
The second email is from a guy who over pursued a woman he just met and had two dates with. Now she has backed away and is ignoring his messages. She has some of his stuff, and he has some of hers. He wonders what he can do to turn it around, despite her rude and disrespectful behavior. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.
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I’ve got two emails I’m going to go through with you today on this particular topic, because both these guys, they obviously really liked these women that they’re involved with, or I should say, were involved with, but they’re kind of ignoring the fact that they’re acting immature. They’re kind of being passive aggressive, they’re being rude, they’re being difficult. They’re ghosting them, leaving their texts on read.
What’s interesting is, as I learned way back in the day, as I talk about in my first book, “How To Be A 3% Man,” when I didn’t know any better, if I really liked a girl and I would see this kind of behavior, I would dismiss it because I liked her so much and thought, “Hey, well nobody’s perfect.” But the reality is, no one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do. And if you don’t perceive yourself as being valuable and a catch and bringing a lot to the table, then when you get this kind of behavior, you tend to dismiss it and ignore it.
And the thing that really makes it difficult when you stay involved with these kinds of women, or if you’re a woman, staying involved with these kinds of guys, is that it typically doesn’t get any better. And it’s just because this is how they learn to communicate and interact with other people, obviously in a dysfunctional way, in the families that they grew up in. And if you’re at a place in your life like I am, where I really like to have peace, ease, delight, effortlessness, people that are easygoing, easy to get along with, they don’t get butt hurt and expect me to deal with their neuroses, you just don’t want to put up with that kind of stuff.
Whereas, I used to put up with quite a bit of it when I was younger, even in my professional life, which I wrote about my second book, “Mastering Yourself.” I had a business partnership for the better part of a decade, and there was a lot of toxicity and a lot of bullshit that went on between myself and my old business partners that was just unnecessary. But because we were all making good money together, and we had a good business and a lot of people depending on us, we just kind of put up with it, and we kind of tolerated each other, I guess, if you will.
But the idea is that the more you allow this in any area of your life, the more you’re going to attract other people that are going to kind of treat you the same way. And it’s just not pleasant, because it creates unnecessary drama. Whereas, if you find somebody that comes from a good background… and it doesn’t mean in all cases, a hundred percent of the cases, if somebody comes from a dysfunctional background that they’re not going to be able to overcome that, that they’re not going to be able to do the work on themselves, whether it’s self-help or personal growth, or maybe some kind of therapy where they recognize they’ve got flaws, and they seek to become better people. It’s just the reality is, the majority of the people you’re going to encounter just simply won’t do the work necessary on themselves.
So, I have a quote that I wrote and then I want to jump into the first guy’s email, because there’s just some good things, the behavior that you spot, that he just shouldn’t be putting up with it at all. It’s just not worth it, because you put up with it and you tolerate it, and six months, a year down the road, it just continues to rear its ugly head. And you may have heard me say before, that people don’t change who they are, they may become a better version of themselves.
So it’s interesting, as I was going through these emails and coming up with what I wanted to discuss today, it just kind of brought back some memories. I had a guy that I used to hang out with a couple of years ago when I was living in South beach. He was a lot of fun to hang out with. He was in real estate, and if you made a business appointment with him, he was always on time. But if you were hanging out with him personally, he might show up two or three hours late, just a lot of flaky behavior. And sometimes he wouldn’t show up at all. Sometimes he would call and make plans and then not even show up to the plans that he made with some kind of last minute BS excuse. And when you’d call him out on it, he would get kind of pissed off at it.
And then about a little over a year ago, a buddy of mine, who I met through this same guy, who I’ve actually become good friends with over the last several years, we had plans to get together to watch football games. This was last football season. Same thing. It’s like, “where are you at dude? We’re here at the restaurant. You want us to order something for you?” “Ahhhh,” he was just giving us an excuse. And then he got pissed off, sent a nasty message, and then later on showed up that night. He was just in a dickhead mood and kind of pissy. And I broke his balls about it, and he got pissed off and fucking left. I was like, dude, this was your idea to get together. So, needless to say, we just stopped talking to that guy a year ago. It’s like, sometimes you have to do that.
It’s kind of funny. This past week, I had a couple of guys that I used to hang out with a lot when I was in high school. And it’s like every couple of years, every year, year and a half, we’re like, “Hey, let’s get together. Let’s do this, let’s do that.” Something always comes up at the last fucking minute. We were supposed to get together last week, and same thing, right at the last minute they kind of flaked out. I was like, this is your idea to get together. You know, after the second or third time that’s happened over the last several years, I just went ahead and blocked their numbers, because what’s the point? I won’t I put up with that bullshit. I gave him a chance. Drama free zone, baby.
You know somebody for multiple decades, and they just can’t get their shit together. Like I was saying earlier, people don’t change who they are. They may become a better version of themselves, but it’s just, some people are flakes. Same thing with women. Some of the women I’ve dated are just like this. They cause problems. They don’t call you back on purpose, they get mad at you, and then instead of calling you and telling you that they’re upset and they want to talk, they just give you the silent treatment. And when you haven’t heard from him in a couple of days, when they were used to calling and texting you two or three times a day, then you recognize, oh, okay. She’s upset about something. Let me give her a call, see what it is.
And you put up with that for several years, and it’s like, it never really gets any better. There’s always something new, some new ripple or wrinkle in the story, and it creates drama. It creates a problem. When you care about somebody, or like in the couple of examples I gave when you’re friends with people, and you known them for multiple decades, and they just keep dicking you around, and they think it’s okay, it’s like, hey, I gave you enough chances. Why would I want to keep an evening open when you’re going to pull that bullshit? That’s the second or third time. Three strikes, you’re fucking out of here.
It’s hard if some of these people are close to you or they’re family, or you grew up with them. Sometimes you’ve just got to cut people off. Sometimes people are just too toxic, and they can’t get their shit together. And when you tolerate this, you’re literally telling the universe, “Hey, send me more of this behavior. Send me more people that will treat me this way. Send me more girls to date that are like this” if you date these kinds of women like these guys are involved with. Because this kind of bad behavior should just disqualify them right away.
Why allow the drama in your life? People have to make the same level of effort that you do. That’s what you’re looking for. You want somebody who’s nice to you. You want friends that are nice to you. You want clients that are nice to you. You want people that work for you that are nice to you. And the women you date, you want women who are going to be nice to you, and sweet and assume and give you the benefit of the doubt, instead of flying off the handle, getting mad, displaying passive aggressive behavior and just causing unnecessary problems. Life’s just too short.
First Viewer’s Email:
I’ve just started your material, (3rd time through the book), and wanted your opinion on my recently ended relationship. I met a girl through Tinder a couple months ago, and we really hit it off fast. I was over at her place at her request almost half of every week. She was the kind of girl I thought liked to text every day, so I did text her basically all day every day, (mistake 1). Within three weeks, I got the “let’s just be friends.”
So, obviously you over pursued, you called, you texted too much. Obviously a younger guy thinking, “Hey Corey, you don’t understand us millennials. We communicate a little differently. We’re on our mobile devices all the time.” And my response to that is, yeah, when I date women and they’re in their twenties, I don’t have these problems.
Because I typically tend to date women that have their shit together, have a career and it can pay their bills, that are easy going, easy to get along with and say what they mean and mean what they say. Because I just don’t tolerate any other kind of bullshit.
But I see that comment a lot from guys. “Well, no, you don’t understand Corey. You’re 50. It’s different. It’s different for people my age.” It’s like, yeah. Okay. Well, not the women that I meet. Obviously, the women I meet and date that are their age wouldn’t give these guys the time of day because of their behavior.
I told her friends it was was hard, and I’d have to think about it.
Well, if you hear a woman referring to you with the F word, you’re like, “Hey, I’m not interested in being friends.” As soon as you hear that, that needs to come out of your mouth, because any time a woman uses the F word in relation to you, you’re like, “No, that’s not going to work. I’m not even going to consider that. That would be a waste of my time. That’s not what I’m looking for.” You can say it with a smile on your face, obviously.
You’ve got to set those healthy boundaries, because if you’re acting like a bitch, which obviously this guy was with over pursuing her and blowing up her phone and acting needy and insecure, part of the test is seeing if you’ll be compliant with being stuck in the platonic friends zone.
And if you agree to that, she’ll lose even more respect for you. Because deep down, she knows you don’t want to just be friends. She’s just testing you to see what you’re made of. And most guys just go, “I gotta think about it. It’s a really hard, it’s a really hard decision.” No, I’m not interested in that at all. You need to delete that F word from the vocabulary in reference to us.
The next day I told her I would start seeing other people soon if we were going to just be friends.
Well, just that response shows that you’re kind of agreeing to it.
To which she freaked out and told me to “just go see my other bitches.”
She sounds really immature, getting butt hurt and upset. Yeah, it’s just what I want to hear.
I did the usual awful move of begging, and then went no contact for 7 days. She then reached out with the text “My cat just got run over.” I said I was sorry it happened, but didn’t push anything.
Well, as I discuss in “Seven Principles, To Get An Ex Back,” you should have said, “Oh, that sucks. Well, let’s get together and you can tell me about it. I liked your cat. Let’s get together and catch up.” Hang out, have fun and hook up. Create an opportunity for sex to happen. But instead, you just kind of danced in a circle.
She texted me the next day, and I offered to meet. She declined and didn’t provide a new day, so I told her to reach out when she was able to make some time.
So far, so good. But you should have done that when she first reached out. And you’ll do that only on two separate consecutive occasions when she reaches out first.
She sent a couple of Snapchats the next day, to which I just kept it light with just one message. The next message was a baity one of her dog getting off the chain he was kept on outside. I left it on read.
So if you read a message, the other person knows you’ve read it, and then you just leave them on read, that’s fucking rude. That’s passive aggressive behavior. People typically do that on purpose just to let the other person be left hanging, and it’s rude, but it happens. So don’t do that. Don’t read the message and then leave them hanging, because you’re inviting them to treat you the same way.
And 30 minutes later got a text saying “You told me to reach out, but when I do you just ignore me, so I guess this is it then.”
So it sounds like she’s a little butt hurt and upset over the whole thing.
I told her I want to see her, I just don’t want to be a texting buddy. She then flipped out, saying we had to be ‘texting buddies’ to learn each other again, said all I wanted was to rush things and put a label on it, etc.
So obviously, just by that statement, it tells me that your behavior was a lot worse than you let on in your email. You obviously over-pursued, texted too much, called too much, tried to force her into a relationship, smothered her.
I told her “I do not want any labels. I just want to see you and have fun again.” She re-blocked me, which is where I made my final mistake.
So just getting pissed off and blocking you shows that if she was a normal girl, she’d be like, “Okay, I understand. Yeah, we can get together.” She would make plans. But she responds with passive aggressive behavior. That’s disqualifying. I wouldn’t put up with that, just young and immaturity. That’s what she learned in her family. You get mad at each other, you give each other the silent treatment until somebody caves.
I dated women, a woman that was like that, and then after two or three years, I got fucking sick of it, because it never really got any better. Even if it was good for several months, something would happen, she’d get mad, and she would just respond the same way without really even thinking about it. And she’s still that way. All these years later, she’s still like that. That’s another reason why we don’t talk very often.
I sent her a long text message, (she had left my phone number unblocked only), explaining how I wanted to try and work things out, but how I also don’t like how she shuts down, won’t communicate, blocks me, and says hurtful things.
Well, it was good because you stood up for yourself.
I told her I was unafraid to move on without her, but I was still willing to try. She told me to move on but was very hurtful and said she hated our time together.
Oh yeah, let me get back in line for more of that. “I hated my time with you.” Oh, that’s really going to win me over sister. Yeah. I really want to go back out with you.
I’m back in no-contact and blocked everywhere. She never properly communicated.
Well, it doesn’t sound like she’s capable of that.
But neither did I, and I did fall in love with her.
Well, you fell in love with the fantasy of who you wanted her to be, dude, but she’s kind of an ass. She’s a jackass. A jackass with a capital J .
Do you think there’s a chance she’ll come back again?
Flip a coin, it could go either way.
Or should I just forget her based on how she treats me?
Ding, ding! We have a winner.
I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes here too, but I can’t ignore the way I was treated either.
Now you’re talking, dude. Now you’re talking, padawan. You should have the attitude of, “Hey, she needs another chance to me.” I mean, if you’re a glutton for punishment and she eventually reaches out, invite her to your place to hang out, have fun and hook up. Invite her over to make dinner. Don’t go meet her out. Don’t go pick her up. If she won’t agree to get together in the evening at your place, then just follow exactly what I teach in“Seven Principles, To Get An Ex Back,” and leave it at that.
But like I said, this girl, she’s disqualified herself. I wouldn’t waste my time with her. But if you’re a glutton for punishment, and you want to give her another chance, maybe the sex was really good or whatever, it’s on you, bro. But in my case, I’ve got to take a sip from the glass of no drama allowed. You hear that? That’s the sound of no drama in my life.
Second Viewer’s Email:
Long-time fan. Thank you for solid advice. I have sent many men your way. I’m 27 and just got out of being engaged to a woman I dated for 9 years. I am a cop in the Bay area, and the job has taken a huge toll on my dating life.
Yeah. Can you imagine being a police officer in this day and age? “Hey, what do you do for a living?” “I’m a cop.” I’m sure that goes over like a lead balloon, especially if you live in a city. I mean the Bay area, Jesus Christ, all the leftists that live out there. I can just imagine.
Oh man, you probably had to keep that kind of on the down low. “I work in security, private security. I’m James Bond, babe. I can tell you what I do, but then I’d have to kill you, and you’re kind of cute. And you know, I’d like to get to know you a little better.”
I recently started dating again and found a girl who is also a cop. She’s perfect.
Easy. You don’t know that. You just met her. “Ah, she’s perfect. She’s a police officer. Hey, she wins. This the next future wife of mine.”
Too perfect, she’s me. We’ve been on two dates, and we almost hooked up the 2nd date at her house. She gave me all the signs of being on the hook, calling me “babe,” telling me I’m perfect, wanting to kiss nonstop, etc. She made me coffee in her favorite coffee cup before work, and I left my jacket at her house. But then the next 3 days she did no contact to me.
Well, if you’d been a really good student… I’m kind of suspect. I think you’re kind of embellishing a little bit. In your email, you’re making yourself look a little better than your actions show. Because you don’t sound like a guy that’s really familiar with what I teach.
For the first time I over pursued by texting and came off needy.
Yeah. If a girl just disappears on you for a couple of days, you just go back to once a week, one contact per week, and see what happens. But if you blow her phone up after two days or three days, because you’re kind of, maybe you’ve been stuck in a pussy embargo because of the coronavirus. And then the fact that not a lot of women are big fans of the fact that you’re in law enforcement, because obviously, if you listen to the media, all people in law enforcement are just horrible, awful people, which is nuts.
And by the way, I appreciate your service and the fact that you hold the line and keep us safe from these fucking animals in our society, especially these Antifa clowns and the… I’m just not going to get into it. I’m not going to get into it in this video.
Because she’s a cop, she is a whole different ballpark for me.
Well that tells me you’re putting her on a pedestal and kissing her ass, and that doesn’t work with any woman, dude. They want to be treated like a teammate and an equal. And you’re blinding yourself to what she’s really like, because you’re just assuming, because she’s a cop, she’s in the club. It doesn’t mean she’s not a lunatic.
When I set up a date, she told me that we weren’t ready for a relationship.
That tells me you were smothering her.
I needed time to be alone and learn what I need.
So I don’t know if she was saying that about you, or saying that about herself. But what that statement tells me is that you’re calling, you’re texting too much. You’re acting too dopey. You’re acting like this is going to be, you know, your next great long-term relationship. And she can feel that. So obviously she feels like she’s losing her freedom.
I replied by telling her “Thanks, but I am not interested in being just friends. Give me a call when you change your mind. Drinks and a good time on me. Stay safe.” No reply…. its been a week.
She has my jacket; I have her coffee cup. Where do I go from here?
Well, you have to be congruent with what you told her. You said, “Give me a call when you change your mind.” You can’t say that to a woman and then be not congruent with that, because basically, it sounds like she tried to friend zone you. But again, you’re trying to make yourself look a little better. You said you’re a big fan of the work, and you sent lots of guys my way, and that implies that you are really familiar with it. Maybe you’ve just been cherry picking videos, and now that you’ve got a girl that you like, you’re just coming unglued. So, the fact that it’s been a week, I wouldn’t do anything.
Obviously, it sounds like as far as the jacket versus mug, I mean, depending on your jacket, maybe she got the better end of that deal. But I wouldn’t do anything. That’s part of your problem. You’re like, “Where do I go from here?” You told her to get in touch when she changed her mind after trying to friend zone you. So, even if you never hear from her again, you know, hey, congratulations on the fact that you got a coffee mug out of it, supposedly her favorite coffee mug, and she got your jacket.
I would just leave it at that, because she may reach out in week or two. And if she does, invite her over for drinks at your place to make dinner or create another date. Hang out, have fun and hook up. Progress it. But you’ve got to read the book, man. You gotta read the fundamentals. Read “How To Be A 3% Man.”
Again, you can read both of my books at UnderstandingRelationships.com, “Mastering Yourself” and “How To Be A 3% Man.” All you’ve got to do is subscribe to the email newsletter. You’ve got to learn the fundamentals, you can’t cherry pick. And that’s what it looks like you’ve been doing is cherry picking, and so it’s kind of become a train wreck.
But I don’t like the fact that she tried to stick you in friend zone, and she’s kind of ignoring you on top of that. But like I said, after reading your email, it looks like you kind of tried to make yourself look a lot better. If I look at her actions, it sounds like you’ve really acted needy and neurotic and made a negative impression on her. And that’s not good. So, it’s the same thing I told the first guy.
Will you hear from her again? You could flip a coin. It could go either way, but I would just hang back and do nothing. Wait to hear from her. If you do, try to set the next date. And if you don’t, chalk it up to learning experience, recognize that you need to learn the fundamentals and the book, and go from there and start dating other women. You can’t be putting chicks on a pedestal just because you had two dates and you almost almost hooked up. You’re just not going to get anywhere by behaving that way.
“Good communication is essential for all healthy relationships. A person who grows up in a healthy family with parents who have a good relationship and who communicate like adults is extremely rare. They treat others with respect and won’t tolerate disrespect. The more drama and dysfunctional behavior they witness and experience growing up is what they become emotionally anchored to expect and dish out themselves. You must set and enforce healthy boundaries with all people you allow into your inner circle. This is how you create and maintain drama free and effortless relationships. Never tolerate toxic people or those who take you for granted, or you will attract even more of this behavior into your life.”~ Coach Corey Wayne