Relationship Doubts: Bitchy, Grumpy, Difficult Girlfriend
What you should do if you have relationship doubts about your bitchy, grumpy, difficult to be around girlfriend.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a 21 year old viewer who is living with his 26 year old girlfriend. He moved in with her a year ago after escaping from his controlling narcissistic parents who forbid him from dating and spending his own money. His girlfriend is quite bitchy, grumpy and difficult to get along with.
He wants to get his own place now, because he wants his independence and thinks it will help his relationship get better, but if it doesn’t, he will happily date other women who like him. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
He says last year when he was 21, he moved out from his parents place and into his girlfriend’s place where he’s been living with her for a year because, as he says, his parents were narcissistic, controlling and wouldn’t even let him spend his own money that he was earning himself. So, he had enough because he was tired of the controlling environment.
And I can relate to it, because my parents are very controlling when I was growing up. Up until I turned 18, then it was like a switch. “Okay, now you’re an adult, you’re 18. You do what you want.” Which was nice, but obviously 18 years of totally being dominated. I remember, most of my junior year I was grounded. I wasn’t even allowed to go and hang out with my friends or do anything. I could go to school and I could go to work and that was it. And it was terrible for my social life, because I couldn’t do anything. So, it was a barrel of monkeys, lots of fun.
This particular guy, it’s been a year of living with his girlfriend, and he told her the other day that he wants to move out, because she’s very bitchy, she’s very grumpy, and he’s kind of tired of it. He’s very familiar with my work, knows the video “How to Communicate With Women Effectively,” and does it. But the problem is his girlfriend just berates him, and she’s grumpy and generally in a foul mood. She blames it on PMS, but he’s like, “I don’t want to deal with this.”
Because the reality is, as men, and as I talk about in 3% Man, if our woman is happy, we take credit for it. If she’s unhappy, we blame ourselves for it. And, as men, after a while, eventually, if you’re unable to get your woman out of her grumpy moods and to be happy and joyful and fun to be around, you’re going to start to withdraw, and eventually give up, and then leave. And then, that just makes things worse. Because then you’re not even giving her the attention you were giving to before, and she had a bad attitude then. When you stop giving her the attention that you were giving her, then she really becomes unbearable to be around.
A lot of guys make the mistake of staying in relationships with women like that. I mean, right now just look at the what’s going on with the trial with Johnny Depp and Amber Heard. I mean, can you imagine putting up with a woman like that? Guys put up with that kind of stuff all the time. No one will ever do or say anything to you that you don’t invite them to do. And when you stay in those situations, you’re enabling their behavior. You’re literally inviting more of it, because there’s no consequences. Remember, the strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it.
He’s kind of afraid, he’s fearful. He wants to move out, but also, he’s got all these other women hitting on him now, because he’s done well with my work and he’s seeing the results. And, obviously, his girlfriend’s not happy about him wanting to move out, because deep down she knows what that means, he’s leaving her. He’s not getting closer to her, he’s moving away from her. When women are in love with you and they care about you, they want your attention all the time. And he’s basically going to withdraw some of his attention, so that’s why she’s not happy about it. But, hey, she’s bringing it on to herself, and unless her attitude changes, he’s out of there.
I had one girlfriend in my life that I’ve mentioned from time to time. She was on antidepressants and she was bitchy and grumpy, even on them. And then when she went off of them, it just became unbearable, to the point where I didn’t want to try anymore. The juice was not worth the squeeze. Sometimes that’s where you’re at. And women like this, they’re going to learn the hard way that if they’re going to just be bitchy and grumpy like that, they’re going to drive the guys away.
Guys aren’t going to want to put up with that, especially the liberated independent women that think men just have to tolerate the abuse. Again, look at Amber Heard, a smoking hot girl, and just absolutely berated Johnny Depp. She called him a wimp, which, obviously, he is. He’s a pussy, let’s face it, and especially with her. But he enabled it, because he kept putting up with it.
I hope you are doing well, and I would really appreciate your response. I have been a long time listener for the past 4 years and have read your book 9 times. I cannot thank you enough for all the work you do.
Here is my issue. I moved in with my girlfriend last April after being in an abusive household with narcissistic parents, forbidding relationships and not allowing me to socialize or spend my money that I earned at 21 years old.
Sounds like fun.
As a result, my girlfriend let me move in with her and I have been with her ever since. We have had the most amount of fun, sex 3 times a week, and I always try be my best self for myself and for her. I am a very positive person, obsessed with self-improvement through your work, Tony Robbins and Jordan Peterson.
Recently, we have been having little arguments here and there, (I know, I always try to understand where she is coming from and listen to her like you say in “How to Communicate With Women Effectively”).
He’s talking about an article and video I did years ago, titled “How to Communicate with Women Effectively.” It’s recommended in “3% Man,” and I highly suggest you guys learn that. But again, everything that’s in “3% Man” assumes you’re dealing with a normal, healthy woman who’s easygoing, easy to get along with and easy to communicate with. Some women just don’t have those skills and they’re determined to make everybody around them, especially the men in their lives, miserable, usually because that’s what they saw their mothers doing to their fathers.
It’s not your job to change or to fix somebody. You’re supposed to share your completeness with somebody that respects you, respects your time, and treats you the way you want to be treated. You want a woman that builds you up, not a woman that’s constantly tearing you down and making you feel like less of a man. You want somebody who is your greatest cheerleader and fan, not a chick who’s looking for every reason to pick at you, and needle you, and try to make you feel bad because she’s in a shit mood or she had a rough childhood. Again, these things are not our fault as men. Their parents are the ones that screwed them up, and you can only put up with so much. As Clint Eastwood said, “A man’s got to know his limitations.”
But these things still happen. She can be quite bitchy, and she hates it when I stand by my opinion and say my piece. She said that this is because of her PMS, but I don’t know if that is a valid excuse to talk to me the way she does?
Well, you’ve got to set and enforce healthy boundaries as well, but there are women that just simply will not respect him, like my ex girlfriend that I talked about. And, eventually, I had enough of her bullshit. Eventually, she found some soft beta male and he puts up with her crap. I’m not going to. That’s just me. Because I got spoiled. I’ve had so many great girlfriends over the course of my life, ones I wrote about in “3% Man.” They were a dream to be around, easygoing, easy to get along with, great communicators. So, I know how good it can be. And when you get somebody who’s just fucking rotten, you’re not going to put up with it. The juice is not worth the squeeze.
Again, an extreme example is Amber Heard and Johnny Depp. Even Will Smith and and Jada Pinkett. I mean, just the videos and stuff that keeps coming out, I was like, man, that dude is just torturing himself. Both those guys did. At least Johnny Depp’s out of the situation now. But, I mean, now they’re publicly airing all their dirty laundry for the world to see. They’ve got recordings. It’s just amazing what guys put up with. The thirst is real, though.
The guys stick around, they’re optimistic. They hope, “Hey, it’s going to change. It’ll get better.” But a hot woman like that, everybody enables her behavior. Everybody kisses her ass, so she thinks it’s normal. She needs a really strong man to put her in her place, but she’s probably too much of a lunatic for any guy that’s got his act together. He’s only gonna put up with it for so long. If she’s not going to change her attitude or ways, it’s like, “See ya, honey.” I can remember a comedian, it was a female comedian, if I’m not mistaken, she said, “No matter how hot the girl is, somewhere there’s a guy that’s sick of putting up with her crap.”
Granted, it’s not easy and I’ll never fully comprehend a women’s period, but still?
Yeah, a good woman who comes from a good family, who’s respectful, who’s sweet, who’s kind tries to make you happy. You know, the reality is, I’ve been talking about this for years, feminism, what you see on TV, it’s turned a lot of women into tyrants. And when you see all the movies and TV shows where the guy is the the soft, bumbling, moronic fool, and he has this strong, stoic woman who basically acts like a man and he acts like a little pussy, if you see that enough, you go, “Oh, that must be normal to put up with a woman that is just constantly berating you. This must be the way things are.” If you grow up in a family and that’s what you saw, it’s like, “Oh, I guess that’s the way it is.” What’s the old saying, “Life’s a bitch, then you marry one, then you die.”
I always take the blame for our bickering and am left drained and here we go again.
Well, again, you’ve got to set and enforce healthy boundaries. And I talk about that in “3%, Man.” You’ve got to say, “Honey, I’ve had a difficult day. I understand you’re hurting or you’re upset. If you want to work things out, let’s talk it out, but you’ve got to be loving, kind and sweet to me.” And if she refuses to do that, you hop in your car and you leave. You go for a walk around the block, go to the park. Take the dog to the park, take the kids to the park. Go hang out with your buddies, have some beers. Go out to the garage, rearrange the garage, turn some music on. Have a frothy beverage or a glass of wine or a little whiskey, whatever you do. Or a bong hit for Jesus. Whatever you use to unplug and relax.
Open a book, read a book, whatever. Go out to the tool shed. Do a project. You have to let her see that if she’s going to berate you like this, you’ll put up with it for a little bit, and then you’re gone. Not meaning you’re going to leave and break up with her, meaning you’re just going to leave her. You’re going to say, “Look, you’re in a crap mood and you’re being mentally, emotionally and verbally abusive, and I’m not going to put up with it. I’ve had a difficult enough day, and I want to come home to a house of joy and happiness, not a house where I come home and my queen has just been waiting all day to unload on me and use me as a punching bag.”
“If you try to use me as your punching bag, I call you out on it, and you want to continue doing it, I’m going to go have a beer with the boys. I’m going to go shoot some pool. Maybe I’ll go see my mom and dad and spend the night over there. I’m just not going to put up with this shit. And if you keep doing this, I’m eventually going to leave you and I will never come back.” These are things that you have to handle when you’re dating. And then, when you move in or you get married and you have kids together, it’s a lot harder to get out of it. And most people, especially guys, put more thought into the car they buy than the women they marry and choose to spend their life with. You see all the guys in the red pill community, that’s all they do is cry about women. It’s like, hey, that was their best thinking. Those women were their best thinking.
Is this just a poor mindset on my end?
Well, again, you’re kind of enabling her behavior because you put up with it. But in this next paragraph, you’ll see when we get to the end of it, he’s starting to take his power back, and that’s what needs to happen.
Anyway, I told her this morning that I am wanting to move out of our home and live on my own. I am now 22, she is 26, but I have always wanted to live on my own and have that independence, even though I still want the relationship. But she does not see it that way, which I do understand.
Yeah, deep down, she knows if you move out, instead of getting closer together and having a deeper relationship, now it’s on the verge of breaking up for good, and then she’ll be single again.
Since I have now finally been able to be exposed to people no longer in a controlling home, I can see other women that have a high level of attraction for me, which makes me second guess our relationship even more.
Again, what are the benefits? What are the pluses and what are the minuses, here?
I still want to move out but, honestly, I am in a state of fear. I don’t know what to do. I thought if I moved out, I can reconnect and discover myself and my passions, but she thinks, why can’t you do that here?
“Well, the reason I can’t do it here is because I come home to a bitchy, grumpy girlfriend who thinks that I just have to be her punching bag. She’s emotionally, mentally and verbally abusive, and I’m over it. If you’re not going to be kind and sweet to me and easygoing, easy to get along with, I’m happy to communicate, to understand what you’re going through. And if I did something to hurt you, we can resolve it, but I’m not going to be your punching bag. It stops today. And if it happens again, I am definitely going to move out. So, you’ve been warned. I love you, I think the world of you, but this shit’s going to come to an end today. If it doesn’t, I’m going to move out. And if you continue doing that, even after I move out, then I’m going to dump you and I’m going to find someone else.”
The reality is, from a leverage perspective, you’re 22 and she’s 26. And as the red pill community would tell you, she’s getting closer to “the wall,” meaning her looks are going to start to decline. And what she’s going to notice, especially over the next 5 to 7 years, is that men are going to be paying less attention to her and more attention to her hotter, younger friends. That’s just a fact of life.
And so, she’s going to have to realize that she better change her attitude, because she’s going to drive every man away, unless, of course, she runs into a beta male that she can totally dominate, which is going to make her absolutely miserable anyway.
But a man needs his space and I want us to be magical again, and if things didn’t work, explore relationships with other hot women that I can tell are interested in me.
Any help would be much appreciated.
Yeah, dude, you’ve got all the leverage here. So, you need to have what we call a “come to Jesus talk” with your girlfriend. I mean, you’re looking for another place already. You’ve got to tell her, “This bitchiness, this grumpiness, this stops. You’re driving me away, you’re causing me to fall out of love with you. And quite frankly, a lot of times I come home and I don’t know what mood you’re going to be in. Are you going to be in a good mood? Are you going to be happy to see me? Or have you been waiting for me all day so you can just unload on me and be an absolute truly foul bitch.”
“I don’t want that. That’s not adding value to my life. I’m not happy. I got out of this situation with my parents and moved in with you, which made things better. But still, you do things sometimes that are just as abusive and intolerable as my parents were. And so, if I move out, it’s your fault. You’re driving me away. If you want me to stay, you better be sweet and kind and learn to exercise some emotional self-control with your attitude. And blaming it on your PMS, that’s not my problem. I’m just not going to put up with it. I don’t have to.”
So, I’d give her one more chance, and if she blows up on you again, then I would go find another place. “I love you, but I’m moving out. I told you, one more time. That was it. You crossed the line again. I don’t care about apologies. You’ve been apologizing, and it doesn’t matter. You don’t change your behavior. If you won’t change your behavior, I’m going to change where I live. And if I move out and you still continue acting this way, then I’m going to break it off of you permanently, and I’m going to date other women.”
“I get hit on all the time. A lot of women are paying attention to me and trying to get attention, and they’re nice and sweet. So, I’ve got these nice and sweet girls and then I come home and deal with this bitchy girlfriend who’s just trying to make me miserable because she’s miserable. I’m not interested in that. It doesn’t work for me. It’s your choice. We can have a good, happy household, full love and joy, or you can live by yourself and I’ll move out and go find somebody else.”
You’re going to have to be harsh, dude, but that’s the reality. And you shouldn’t feel bad about it. Again, “Here’s the deal, here’s the terms. I will continue living with you as long as you never do this again. And if you slip up and you do it again, I’m moving out. And if I move out and you continue doing that, then I’m going to break it off with you and date other women. And you can find some other guy that you want to treat like a doormat, because I’m not putting up with it. It’s abusive, and it’s not loving and I don’t need it. You’re not adding value to my life by me coming home every night and putting up your shit attitude.”
That’s what I would do if I were you. I just simply would not put up with this. She’s got a bad attitude, treats you like shit. It’s like, no way in hell, dude. Your value as a man is continuing to increase, where hers as a woman, she’s kind of cresting now. You’ve got all the leverage, so remember that. Don’t feel bad about it. She’s the one driving you away. Again, set and enforce healthy boundaries. If she won’t respect them, then she can get the gift of missing you. And if she doesn’t stop, she’ll get the gift of missing you permanently.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
“Men want to feel successful at making their women happy. If they are unable to consistently make their women feel happy and fun to be with because they are constantly bitchy, grumpy and difficult to be around, eventually they will give up and want to withdraw and leave. Women should be their men’s joy and escape from a difficult world. They should be loyal, communicate like adults, easygoing and easy to get along with. If she isn’t a net positive in your life, but instead expects you to always deal with her bad moods, unpleasant demeanor and combativeness, then it’s time to find someone else who can. Life is hard enough without having a teammate who is emotionally draining, difficult to be around and makes you feel like less of a man.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne