Real or Fake Alpha?
The difference that makes the difference between real alpha males and unbalanced, fake alpha male poseurs.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss two different emails from two different female viewers. The first email is from a self-proclaimed alpha female who says she is dating an alpha male. She has doubts in her mind about who is the real alpha in the relationship, as her attraction for him is inconsistent.
The second email is also from a self-proclaimed alpha female. She is thirty-five and her boyfriend is in his fifties. They are both very successful, but she often needs time to be free to be alone and work on her career and other interests outside of their relationship. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.
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So, what’s interesting is I’ve seen in life, everything seems to kind of go in twos. It’s like you get a speeding ticket, and then a few weeks later you get a second one. You’re going through a dry spell in your dating life, there’s just nothing, nobody to click with, nobody really jibe with, and all of a sudden you meet one woman and then another one a few weeks later.
Same thing in business. The other day I was sitting down. And what’s interesting about coaching sessions is they tend to come in sporadically throughout the week. And then I literally had two people within a couple of minutes of each other purchase phone sessions from basically opposite sides of the globe. And in this particular case, I got two self-proclaimed alpha females sending me emails about their alpha male boyfriends. One’s a boyfriend-girlfriend, and the other one, they’re kind of seeing each other.
So, it’s just interesting how the universe tends to work. I don’t if that means that the simulation is winking at us or what. But it’s two interesting emails, because one of them you could tell her attraction is kind of ebbing and flowing and there’s a little bit of power struggle and power dynamics. So, I thought it’d be a good email to go through and compare, to point out, who’s the real alpha. Because one of them is questioning, “Am I the alpha, or is he the alpha? Who’s really in control of the relationship?”
First Viewer’s Email:
Hi Coach Corey,
I love watching your videos and I usually tune into coaching styles that have the most depth. I am an alpha woman who met an alpha guy while traveling. The only doubt in my mind is who is the most alpha. We were instantly attracted to each other, and since we don’t live in the same country we went with the flow and started hooking up.
Well, as I always say, hang out, have fun and hook up, and the rest will take care of itself.
The sex was insanely hot, and we fit perfectly into the roles of man/woman. We hung out for days and he would do things like place his hand around my neck when we were walking together on the street. I would let him know I wasn’t wearing panties.
You naughty girl.
There was no discussion about titles or a relationship, but a constant tension around who is more in control of whatever we had.
Well, just like the quote says, ideally, as long as he’s in his masculine energy and he’s displaying these alpha qualities, you should be deferring to his lead instead of causing a power struggle, because a guy who is an alpha male eventually is going to get tired of the constant back and forth of her trying to be in control, versus letting him have control.
Because at the end of the day, feminine energy, if you’re really in your feminine energy, is about submitting to and receiving his masculine strength. But if you’re constantly challenging an alpha, eventually he’s going to grow to resent it, get tired of it and just lose interest and move on.
As an alpha woman, I am very dynamic and comfortable being in my feminine energy. I never pursue a guy, but willingly respond to his desire towards me.
Well, making the guy do 100% of the pursuing is not feminine. You’re actually being masculine. And the fact is he’s continually doing all the pursuing and doesn’t recognize it, that would tell me he’s not as alpha as you think he is.
I love adoring a man who deserves it, showering him with affection and saying yes to sex every time he starts it. At the same time, an alpha guy can tell I’m an alpha too and I’m only playing a role for him. I think he enjoys being the one that can control me, (or the illusion that his appeal controls me).
So, I get the impression that you’re taking what’s in “How To Be A 3% Man,” because I do see women doing this. They read my book and they figure, “Ha! I’m going to outsmart the guy.” And so, what happens is they start acting like the man in the relationship, and then they’re perplexed as to why it spirals out of control and the guy disappears. Because if you’re acting masculine instead of feminine and submissive, it’s going to ruin the sexual polarity.
After some days together I had to return home and my alpha guy kept in touch with me, checking in daily and sending very brief and casual texts that felt like breadcrumbs. I tried to be upbeat and reciprocate his advances like I always do, but eventually I got emotionally exhausted. I want to live my life in the moment and not in the past. I don’t understand why he’s sending me these tiny texts to check in. I’m not a girl that needs that kind of emotional maintenance to remain interested. So, I decided to test him.
Women will fuck with you just to see what happened. And so, in this particular case, if this guy is checking in every day, he’s not as alpha as she thinks he is. And also, it shows that he’s more invested in the relationship than she is and she knows that, and so therefore, she’s gotten comfortable. And so, she’s backing away and seeing if she can screw with him.
I’ve pulled away and started taking longer to reply, and now I answer with only one-word texts or emojis.
So, if I was advising this guy, I would say match and mirror that behavior and back off. Because what it shows is that her attraction has dropped, she’s less interested, and you probably over pursued to the point where she kind of takes it for granted. And in this particular case, she comes right out and says, “I decided to test him.” In other words, she’s screwing with him on purpose to see what happens. And it’s very revealing how he responds.
I don’t want to disrespect him or insult him by going silent.
Well, if you went silent like that on a guy who’s familiar with my work, he would just let you disappear, because dating is like tennis, you’ve got to reciprocate.
I just want him to stop the micro tests because they are not maintaining my attraction for him alive.
So, it’s obvious he’s over pursuing, and he’s doing all of the pursuing. He’s not backing off enough for her to pursue. But at the same time, she says, “I never pursue a guy.” And so, she’s acting basically like a cold fish, which is very unattractive.
I would prefer that when he contacts me, it has actual substance. I can go very long without any contact and still be interested — weeks, months, or maybe even a year. I don’t know if he feels the same.
Well, obviously, from his actions, you have the power and he doesn’t. And that’s why you feel comfortable just backing off. And now you’re just sending emojis or one word answers back, and he doesn’t recognize what that means. It doesn’t sound like he’s read my book or is familiar with it. And if you really cared about him, I would encourage you to give him a copy and say, “Oh, it’s a great book. I really enjoy it. I’d like for you to read it and tell me what you think.”
This is a test to see who is more confident and more complete on their own.
Which it’s obvious he’s failing that.
I am observing to see if he will back off and come back in a month or two or forget me forever.
So, if he backs off because you’re not reciprocating, he should walk away forever. Because if you don’t talk for a few weeks and then he comes back, it’s obvious he’s way more into you than you are into him. Because as I say in my book, women have to know that if they push you too far, you’ll walk and never look back. If they don’t treat you the way you want to be treated, if they offering you friendship when you want romance, you’ve got to walk away from that. Because you’re not going to have a successful negotiation if you keep interacting with a woman who’s trying to keep you on friendzone or only reciprocating with a platonic vibe.
He would never be needy! He’s a true alpha.
Based on his actions here, I wouldn’t say he’s a true alpha.
Either way, I will be happy about the outcome. If he doesn’t come back, it means that he wasn’t really into me for real.
Actually, if he doesn’t come back, it would mean that he got tired of your bullshit and you acting like a man, and he was happy to let you go because he no longer had attraction for you. And you shouldn’t be jerking him around like this, especially if you have something good going with him. But the reality is, at least so far from his behavior, he doesn’t realize what he’s doing.
If you were pulling this with me, all you’d be getting is radio silence. Because dating is like tennis. You hit the ball over the net, and the other person’s got to hit it back. If you’re not reciprocating and not reaching out, you’re being controlling, you’re being structured and you’re not acting like an alpha female. You’re acting like a dude who has low interest. That is a reality.
Second Viewer’s Email:
Thank you for publishing so many great videos and helping people like me to answer so many things about ourselves and our relationships.
I am a woman who most of my life has been in the masculine energy, (engineer, immigrant, survivor of different economic crises all my life, etc.) I am a feminine lady but ambitious to explore the world and my potential which makes me more of a freedom lover. In order to reach my career success, I had to choose a Beta husband, someone who will not ruin my career plans.
How do you think that worked out?
I reached the point where I was satisfied in my career, but my marriage failed because I was not satisfied as a woman.
So, she married a beta male provider, had all the power and eventually got turned off, lost interest and left.
So, now I found an Alpha boyfriend. He is a very successful man, a former CFO of a corporation. He is in the masculine energy, although he is very attentive to me and a responsible guy. He is trying to project someone else’s character onto me to make me look and be like someone he wants in his head, and I am not sure if I am buying this.
He is very much set in his ways, probably so as I. He is 50’ish and I am 35.
When I have enough of his “lifestyle,” I need to go back home to recharge for a while and be with my lifestyle and my things.
Well, that’s natural. The idea is you want two happy, whole, complete people coming together to share their completeness, not trying to complete each other or have the other person fill up what you feel that you lack on the inside. But it’s natural and you’ve got to have your own friends, your own hobbies and your own interests, because that’s what attracts you to one another in the beginning.
A lot of people get into a long term relationship, and usually it’s the guy, he gives up all of his friends, his hobbies, his interests. He gets rid of his stamp collection, or Star Wars collection, or the muscle car that he’s been working on for 10 or 15 years and loves racing it or whatever. He gives up his motorcycles or whatever it happens to be in order to please her. And then, eventually she still leaves him, divorces him and goes and finds somebody else.
I am trying to convince him to keep dating but to live in separate homes, rather than as a couple that live together. I need my recharge time and to avoid all the trivial things and annoyances that a “married” couple has.
So right there, that tells me that, just like the first guy, he’s more into you than you are into him and therefore you have all the power, because he’s putting up with your B.S.
I am afraid that if I conform with him, I will immediately lose myself in this relationship, something I have done before many times.
So, it’s obvious he’s got the same problem. He’s doing too much pursuing. And you’re not doing enough, obviously, because he’s over pursuing. And so, this guy may be alpha in his career, but when it comes to sex and intimacy, he’s not.
He has a hard time seeing things from my perspective, because again, he is set in his ways.
More than likely, he’s like, “I want you to move in with me. I want to live happily ever after,” whatever that happens to be in his mind. So, he’s trying to convince her to move in with him, which is the exact opposite of everything that I teach in my first book, “How To Be A 3% Man.” You should definitely give him a copy of it and say, “I’ve been reading this book and it’s really great, really informative. I’d love for you to read it and give me your opinion on it. Tell me what you think.”
Because if you say, “You need to read this because you’re fucked up,” he’s going to be like, “Fuck you, bitch.” So if you do it in a way like, “I want to know what your opinion is. This is a fascinating book, it’s so interesting. I read so many things in here, and I just see us in so many of the pages.”
I am not really a woman who showers him with texts and calls.
Because you have lower interest than he does.
There are some days when we skip calling each other, but this is how I feel better and centered.
Because what that does, it shows that he’s okay with not talking to you.
Sometimes I am afraid that I am not giving him enough attention, (as much as he used to receive from his ex-wife, who was bombarding him with love and texts to a point of annoyance).
Yeah, it sounds like his ex-wife was very needy and insecure, probably because she sensed that he wasn’t that into her. And she was probably needy and insecure on her own anyway, and that just caused him to not be that into her, which drove her nuts. She needed his attention and validation constantly, because she didn’t get enough strokes as a kid from her dad.
So, my question is: How should I handle an Alpha guy as an Alpha woman? I am trying to shape myself according to him, but at the same time avoid losing myself.
Thank you coach Corey! I hope to hear from you.
Well, part of the problem is you don’t trust his masculine core. And it’s understandable that you feel like you’re losing yourself. In other words, he’s asking you to do something and to submit, basically using logic and reason, instead of just hanging out, having fun and hooking up and then allowing you to arrive at those conclusions, especially when you don’t talk for a couple of days, and he doesn’t seem to be bothered by that. And then when you do reach out to him, he’s happy to hear from you.
So, your your relationship, your sexual polarity, is unbalanced in a similar way to the first email. And so, like I said, you should probably rewind the video and watch where I just explained how I would go about tactfully suggesting to read my book. Get him a copy of it, because you’ve got to remember, guys are very egocentric. And if you phrase it in a way that makes it sound like he’s an idiot or he doesn’t know something and the book will fix him, he’s going to resent it.
It’s just like in the old days before we had had the apps on our phone, the Google Maps app. When you say, “Why don’t you stop and ask for directions,” guys are like, “I can figure this out,” because you’re basically saying, “You’re not good enough,” just like a coach would in sports. The coach says, “Go sit on the bench!” It’s like, “I can do it coach!”
So, you don’t want to challenge his masculinity. You want to phrase it from the perspective of, “I really love his book. There are so many things in here. This describes us perfectly. But I want to see what you think. I want to know what your opinion is.” And obviously, I would encourage both of you to read “Mastering Yourself,” my second book, which you can also read for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com. All you have to do subscribe to the email newsletter.
“Being an alpha embodies self-confidence, self-love, independence, freedom and reaching your full potential in every area of life that is important to you. When it comes to intimate relationships between two people who consider themselves to be an alpha, the feminine alpha needs to trust the male alpha’s masculine core in order to feel safe enough to relax into her feminine essence and let him lead. If he displays weakness and is unsure of himself, she will feel unsafe and move into her masculine energy, which often causes power struggles in the relationship and a loss of attraction. Conversely, if an alpha female is too masculine and controlling, the alpha male will eventually grow to resent her challenging his leadership, lose attraction and pull away from her. Two alphas that are balanced and happy make a great team. Two unbalanced alphas will eventually repel each other and go their separate ways.”
~ Coach Corey Wayne