The importance of properly vetting women you are dating for exclusivity in a relationship.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who was dating a woman via online dating about 1–2 times per week for about eight weeks. Things were going well, or so he thought. He was expecting her to bring up the exclusivity talk, but she never did. He went out of town and she asked him if he was dating anyone else. He told her no. Then on Monday, she says she got drunk and slept with someone else that weekend.
Now, he doesn’t want to be with her and doesn’t trust her anymore and asks if it was his mistake that she slept with someone else. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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The thing that’s interesting is that it’s so important to vet, because we get all caught up in our emotions and the Disney love story that we see on TV and all the movies from the time we’re growing up, and we meet somebody and they stimulate us in that way, we just think, “Hey, it’s meant to be. The universe is smiled upon me. Life is going to be all rainbows and unicorns from here on out.” And the reality is, the way the universe tends to work, it’s like the saying, “Life is what happens to you when you’re busy making other plans,” or “Tell God your plans, and God will laugh at you.”
Well, we have blind spots, we have weaknesses, we have things that we need to overcome. And I believe, in my personal experience of 51 years now, that life happens for us, not to us. And too often we get all excited about our emotions. Remember, whenever it comes to buying decisions, we make purchasing decisions based upon our emotions, and then we use logic and reason to justify it.
He’s thinking, “Did I screw up by not getting exclusive with her?” Because he’s thinking, “If I’d had gotten exclusive with her, then she wouldn’t have done this,” so it brings up an interesting point. This is a good email to look at for these things, because we all need to do this. When I was younger, I didn’t know about narcissists, I didn’t know about screwed up people. I mean, I knew there were women that came from broken homes and stuff, but I generally thought, “You know, all people are good, and things will work out.”
And as I went through life, I started to recognize that there’s people out there that are train wrecks, there’s women that are candidates for relationship, and there’s a lot of women that are one night stands or hookup girls or party girls — the type of women that are friends with benefits, but you don’t ever get into a relationship with them.
And obviously, in our modern age, there’s a lot of screwed up families out there. And every time I bring this up, people always get butthurt in the comments that came from screwed up families and say I’m judging everybody. The likelihood of somebody that came from a broken home being a good relationship candidate is a lot lower than somebody who came from a good, healthy family. But even people that come from healthy families sometimes, just because of their belief systems and the way they see the world, they’re not good people to be in a relationship with.
It’s just, what’s the likelihood that their particular background has a good or bad influence on whether or not they’re are good romantic prospect for a relationship or dating? So your background, your past, does not equal your future, but it has a big influence on it. And the reality is when it comes to self-help, most people just simply aren’t willing to do the work to improve themselves, to overcome the situation they came from growing up.
I love your work and it has changed my life. I have read your book five times after discovering you 3–4 months ago.
Obviously, he’s talking about the first book, “How To Be A 3% Man.” You can read it for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com, and it’s available everywhere in paperback, audiobook, digital and hardcover.
I met a girl via online dating and have been going on dates with her 1–2 times a week for about 8 weeks. It was going really well. We had been having a lot of fun and sleeping together. I was into her but was taking it slowly, waiting for her to bring up the idea of being exclusive.
So, what’s interesting about that, as I talk about in the book, if you do everything right and the girl is really into you, by week seven she’ll be in love and wanting to be exclusive, bringing up things like, “Hey, where’s this going?” So, he’s eight weeks in now and still only seeing her one or two days per week.
It’s either she’s not really super into him, or he hasn’t been properly applying what’s in the book. Because by this point she should be head over heels in love with him, and obviously, that’s not happening. So, that should be a red flag that something is amiss. Something is amiss in the land of unicorns.
She called one night when she was drunk with friends and asked whether I was dating anyone else, and I told her I was not, though we hadn’t had a serious conversation about it.
Yeah, eight weeks in, and a woman never brings anything up about that, she’s either a party girl, or not that into you, or you’re not doing things that cause her to be head over heels in love with you. Because, again, it’s typically week seven, if you follow what’s in the book, and there’s a lot of chemistry and a lot of mutual attraction, that a woman will be in love with you. That’s just a fact.
I have had thousands, and thousands, and thousands of men all over the world, in every cultural background, it doesn’t matter where you are, women respond to what they respond to. They respond to attractive male behavior. So, this is where things start to go off the rails.
I came home for a weekend as my close family member is not well. I had been texting her every day but not as often as usual, as I was spending time with my family.
Well, it sounds like you were texting a lot more, instead of getting together. Again, the phone is for setting dates. It sounds like you spent more time texting on the phone than you did in person, and that is part of your problem. Because she gets too familiar with you, there’s no mystery, there’s no “Where do I stand with this guy? Is he dating anybody else? What’s going on?”
And because you don’t spend enough time away, she never wonders about you. She never really gets to miss you. And that’s where the strong emotional connection and bonding happens. But it’s not all for naught.
We speak on the phone on Sunday night for an hour and then on Monday she texts me saying she feels awful, but she slept with someone when she was drunk on Saturday.
So, you were talking to her for an hour on the phone Sunday, literally the day, or the morning or afternoon, after she was fucking somebody else.
I don’t have grounds to be upset about it.
Come on, man! Not necessarily upset about it, but you should be like, “Hmm, I guess she’s not the girl I thought she was.” This is why you date and you don’t get into la-la land based upon your feelings. But like I said, the first thing I noticed right away is it’s eight weeks and they’re only seeing each other one to two times a week.
If she’s in love with you, she’s going to be all over your ass like white on rice, wanting to come over, wanting to stop by, wanting to see what you’re up to, calling and texting you throughout the day. It just sounds like he was calling and texting too much. And there are probably other things, because honestly, he’s still new to the work.
But felt perhaps I should have been clearer with her beforehand about my intentions to be serious with her.
The reality is, based on where she was at, she just wasn’t there. As far as you trying to get her to be exclusive with you, it should be the other way around. So, you’re not quite there. You need to learn the book more. But this is good practice. These are the kinds of things that make you go, “Ahh, this is why you don’t go ga-ga over a girl when everything seems to be going well.”
You probably spent lots of time with her on the phone, which obviously got in the way of her emotionally bonding to you and falling in love. But if you look at her actions, she goes and sleeps with another guy after two months of dating and sleeping together one or two times a week, and she just randomly has sex with some other dude? What does that tell you about her? She’s not that into it. She’s not worried about losing you. She doesn’t think there’s any consequences for it. You’re really not that important to her.
Whatever the reason, it kind of doesn’t matter at this point. You’re thinking relationship, and she’s just thinking, “Hey, do you want to go out and get laid?” She sounds like a party girl. Now, from my perspective, the women that I typically date and that I wrote about in “How To Be A 3% Man,” they don’t come along very often.
I remember one of my girlfriends, she had been married for 10 years, and she’d been single for two or three years I think at that point, and she had one guy that was a boyfriend for about a year, I think. And other than that, she only dated one dude at a time, because she likes families. She’s into having relationships. She’s not going to just date anybody, because she’s a smokeshow. She’s got dudes throwing dicks at her constantly. Whenever we would go out, it was just constant attention from men.
It was just amazing how much attention this particular old girlfriend of mine would get, but she was family oriented. These things are important. Relationships were important to her, and a person’s actions show you how important they are. If somebody is just like, “Hey, I had a few drinks. Whoops, you know, it just happened. His dick ended up inside me. Whoops!” this is not somebody whose focus is a relationship.
This is something that’s just a party girl hanging out, having fun, hooking up, getting laid by whoever, and it doesn’t really mean anything to her. It’s not somebody you want to consider for a relationship. The party girls are the girls you hook up with, give the hot beef injection to, “wham, bam, thank you, ma’am,” (as we used to say back in the Gen-X days), and you move on. You don’t get attached. You don’t date those kinds of women seriously if you’re looking for a relationship.
You just go and you high five your friends and your buddies like, “Yeah, I hooked up with that girl the other night.” They’re like, “Are you going to go out with her again?” And you’re like, “Of course not. She’s getting reamed out by somebody different every weekend. I don’t want a fucking cum dumpster.” That’s the reality. I’m sure I’m going to get a bunch of women going, “Ugh!” I don’t care, it’s reality.
Now I don’t want to be with her, as I do not trust her, but was it my mistake?
Not at all, dude. I mean, I think it’s a great victory for you and a great win because you got experience. Yeah, it stings a little bit, but you’re still new to “How To Be A 3% Man.” And you were hanging out, you were having fun, you were hooking up. Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free? This is why you date. You’re properly vetting her. And now, she’s done something to cause you to go, “Hmm, I guess she’s not relationship or girlfriend material, but I can have some fun with her.”
I am also considering trying to move forward with her but feel I wouldn’t be able to move on.
So, if it was me, how I would handle this particular situation, I wouldn’t call or text her for any reason. I would go, “Okay, she’s fuck buddy material.” I would always wear a condom with a woman like this, because you don’t know who she’s fucking, but she can be one of the girls in your rotation until you replace her with somebody that you really like.
When you don’t have a lot of experience having a woman like this or one, or two or three girls like this, it’ll build your confidence, it’ll give you swagger, and it’ll make you more attractive to women. And then when somebody you really click with comes along, you can feel it, she can feel it, and you can slowly stop hanging out with these party type girls.
But like I said, always make sure you wear a raincoat with women like this. Because the other thing you’ve got to consider is women get a gift that keeps on giving, it pisses them off, and then they just keep sleeping around because they want to give it to other people, because they want to get revenge, because they feel pissed off about it. There are people out there like this. That’s the danger with sleeping around. I know a lot of you dudes like to raw dog it, but you’ve got to wear your raincoat.
So, I would not consider moving forward with her. She’s revealed her character. She wasn’t that into you, for whatever reason. Maybe you screwed up, which obviously, I pointed out some things that you did wrong. But at the end of the day, she’s revealed her character through her actions.
She gets drunk one night and fucked somebody else after two months of dating? “Yeah, no. You don’t qualify as girlfriend or wife material, babe. But we can have a lot of fun together until I find my unicorn, or my future wife or girlfriend,” or whatever you want to call it.” But you don’t get serious with women like this. I know it’s harsh, but hey, she made that bed, now she gets to lie in it.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
“The purpose of dating is to properly vet and “test drive” those you seek to have a relationship with. People can hide who they are for about the first ninety days of courtship until you spend so much time together, the real version of who they really are can no longer be hidden. If you get caught up in your emotions and feelings of infatuation and project your fantasy of who you want them to be onto them, then you will render yourself blind to their reality and become unable to be objective in vetting them properly. Long-term relationships only work when your goals and values are properly aligned. You can ignore reality, but you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.”
~ Coach Corey Wayne