People Who Violate Your Boundaries
What you should do when people close to you constantly violate your boundaries.
The first email is from a viewer who has been dating a hot, fiery Latina single mom for almost a year. On Valentine’s Day he had reservations at a restaurant she always wanted to go to which was very difficult to get reservations at. The problem? She’s always late. He even told her to be at his place a half hour before she needed to be there, but she showed up two hours late! You’ll never believe what he did when she finally arrived and gave ridiculous outrageous excuses as to why.
The second email is from a guy who has lost two lifelong guy friends due to the women they are married to interfering in their relationship. One of them just came back into his life after not speaking for over twenty years. He had an uneasy feeling about getting together and asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.
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I’ve got two emails I’m going to go through with you today. The first one I really like, because this actually happened on Valentine’s Day. I love what this guy did. So he’s been dating this very fiery, hot, sexy Latina girl for about a year. She’s a single mom. And the big issue, his pet peeve, one of the things that’s most important to him in life is people being on time. And she’s pretty much always late for everything.
They had dinner reservations. He’s like, “Be here at 3:30,” because there’s this place he got reservations to finally that she’s always wanted to go, and she shows up two hours late. I mean, he planned out the day and everything. And I just love what he did. I’m not going to spoil it or give it away.
But then I got a second email from a guy who’s probably my age, or maybe older, but he’s got two really good lifelong friends he’s had, and one them he stopped talking to about 20 years ago because of that guy’s particular wife. And then, more recently, his friend and his friend’s wife had rented a house that he owns, and obviously they had a falling out, or him and his friend’s wife did, and this friend, who was a lifelong friend, just ghosted him.
And so, what’s interesting is the one from 20 years ago that basically ghosted him, they ended up getting together recently through a mutual friend to hang out, and he felt very uneasy about the whole thing. Because he’s like, “We were like the best of friends, and then you just disappear for two decades, and now you want to hang out like nothing happened.”
We all encounter this. Every single person watching this has somebody that’s just unreliable and not dependable. They jerk you around, whether it’s guy friends, people you work for, people you work with or women that you date. There’s some people that just can’t get their act together.
First Viewer’s Email:
Hey Corey,
Been watching and reading for years, and I’ve improved the quality of women I’m dating immensely. Was dating a hot 26-yr-old Hispanic single mom for almost a year — perfect body, caring, would go out of her way for me, but very jealous and immature. Her biggest problem is she’s always late, which is my pet peeve — to work, to dates, probably to her own funeral. I made Valentine’s Day arrangements. Got her a thoughtful gift, flowers, made reservations at a restaurant she’d been dying to try, reserved a cabana for drinks and to watch the sunset on the beach in Paradise Cove, Malibu.
Good boyfriend. Obviously, they’ve been together almost a year, of course, you’re going to do something nice like this for your girl. This is right out of “How To Be A 3% Man.” You don’t do this for somebody you just started dating or have been on a couple of dates with, obviously, but it’s a girlfriend. They’ve been together for almost a year and there’s a lot of good qualities, but she’s just flaky and never on time. And what does that tell you? She’s flaky, she’s unreliable and just doesn’t plan ahead. It’s like some people just can’t get their act together.
It reminds me, I had a guy that I used to hang out with when I was living down in South Beach a few years ago. He was actually was my realtor and got me my place that I leased down there. Whenever I had something that was business related and we’re going to look at a property, he was usually pretty much spot on on time. But when it would come to hanging out, the dude was late. Sometimes he wouldn’t show at all.
And then, eventually, I just I got sick of it and I booted him and some of his other friends out of my life, just blocked their numbers. Because I don’t have time for that BS. It’s like, are you kidding me? It’s just some people can’t get their act together, and so, on a personal level, when we’re just hanging out for fun, he was a total flake. I’m not going to put up with that from nobody.
I told her a hundred times that she needed to be here by 3:30 at the latest — I thought I was smart giving her a time 30 mins before she actually had to be here. What time did she show? 5:08 p.m., providing several unbelievable excuses. Needless to say, I lost my reservations.
Yeah, Valentine’s Day, you can’t show up two hours late. That’s just not going to work.
I didn’t lose my cool, but I value my time and found this extremely rude and unacceptable.
I love what he did. I love this so much, because, quite frankly, it’s obvious after almost a year this, she deserved it. And at the end of the day, you’ve got to set and enforce healthy boundaries. And she was great in a lot of other areas, but she’s just flaky and unreliable.
I gave her flowers, her gift and told her since she doesn’t value my time, I think it’s time for her leave. Think I was too harsh? V-day or not, I couldn’t respect myself if I let a woman get away with that. Thanks so much, coach!
Sincerely,
Not Bob
P.S. Trump was the best President in history, and he still would be if our system wasn’t absolute dog shit. Have a good one, bud.
Trump 2020! Remember, keep your life an asshole free zone. Here’s to you, dude, for putting your, I assume, probably soon to be ex-girlfriend (if she’s not already your ex-girlfriend) in her place, because she’s going to have to learn at some point in life that you can’t treat people like that, that you can’t perpetually be late. And if you are, people who are reliable and dependable are just not going to be in your life. She’ll end up with some other dude that’s flaky and unreliable, just like her.
I personally wouldn’t have put up with it for a full year. I would have gotten rid of her a long time ago. I have high standards, and I’m just not going to put up with that crap. Whether it’s women I date or people I hang out with, whether it’s clients or friends, if you’re flaky, you’re out of here. I am just not going to put up with it. I don’t need to. Life’s too short.
Second Viewer’s Email:
Corey,
I have read your book (many times) and have donated to you in the past, so I thought I’d send you a question.
So, if you are so inclined to donate, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the toolbar, and just click the donate button. Donate whatever you feel is the value of the information, obviously “How To Be A 3% Man,” and “Mastering Yourself,” which you can both read for free. All you’ve got to do is subscribe to the email newsletter.
I have been fortunate in my life to develop very good friendships both male and female in my life. I hold my friendships to be very important to me, if not one of the most important things to me. I am single, (my relationship status). Recently, I have had a lifelong friend, (one of my best friends), ghost me because his wife created an issue with me after renting a house I owned. He was one of my best friends and a trusted friend.
The same thing happened to me 20 years earlier with another very good friend after he got caught cheating on his girlfriend on a trip we were on together. (In that case I wasn’t even out with him the same evening as this cheating happened.)
It’s like guilt by association.
In both circumstances, I believe their respective wives gave them ultimatums to drop me. Even though in both circumstances I wasn’t even involved in the boundary violation. (I wasn’t there!)
So, you know, what’s interesting is I had I had a couple of friends that were like this when we were in our 20s. They were great, they were fun to hang out with, they were usually reliable, but as soon as they got a girlfriend, they became flaky and unreliable. And these guys were good looking dudes and they were dating very attractive women, but the women just led them around by the nose.
As soon as these guys got girlfriends, it’s like they disappeared. They’d make plans, not show up, and then the next time you saw them, you’d call them out on the fact that he didn’t show up, and he would act like we didn’t have plans. He would literally lie about it and make up BS excuses when we would call him out on his bullshit. And so, what was interesting is that eventually one of them got married and we just lost touch, and I haven’t spoken to him since. Hey, you know, he became flaky and unreliable.
Remember, you’ve probably heard me say before, people don’t change who they are. They may become a better version, but they don’t really change who they are. And these couple of friends that I’m thinking of in my mind, eventually as we got older, they didn’t stand the test of time. Obviously, they didn’t value the friendship on the same level that I did, and therefore they didn’t put in the same level of effort. And when you noticed the other party, whether it’s somebody you’re dating or somebody that’s a lifelong friend, is not putting in the same level of effort to keep you in their life, then see you later, because they don’t deserve to be there.
So, do I just attribute this behavior as female jealousy?
I would say your friends, they’re probably a bitch. That’s what they are. They are a couple of weak ass bitches who don’t have the balls to stand up to the women in their lives. Whatever she says goes. They don’t want to make her upset because they don’t want access to the box being blocked, which women in marriage tend to do that. And guys that don’t know any better are just like, “Okay.”
What would you call this phenomenon?
Guys that put their balls in a box and give it to their girlfriends or their wives. It just shows you their character. It shows you that you valued the relationship, the friendship, more than they did. You look at what people do, not what they say. Obviously, in your mind, they were a great lifelong friend, but in their mind they weren’t.
I’ve got a couple of old high school buddies that got in touch with me that I hadn’t heard from in a long time. They’re always like, “We’ve got to get together, we’ve got to get together.” And then every time we would make plans, they would just flake out on it. And then a few months back, they were literally down the street from where I lived at a restaurant, and I was like, “Well, come by after you guys get done,” because I had already eaten that night, “We’ll have some drinks or whatever,” and they just totally flaked out and just never called, never texted.
I just blocked both of their numbers, because after the third or fourth time over the last few years, it’s like, you guys got in touch with me, you wanted to get together and then you fucking flake out. I’m not going to give them the opportunity to waste any more of my time, and you shouldn’t either. It’s just not worth it. People don’t change who they are. They may become a better version, but who they are tends to be who they remain over the course of their life. That’s just the way it is. You’ve got to judge people by what they do.
I understand the concept of codependency, (which perhaps my friends are to their respective wives), but is there anything I can do about it?
It’s not your job to fix or to save them, bro. You’re obviously a high character, high integrity guy, and they’re not, so they disqualified themselves from being in your life. It’s not your fault. They fucked up, you didn’t. If they don’t have the balls to stand up to their wives, why would you want to have a man in your inner circle along with his wife when they’ve got an unbalanced, unhealthy relationship?
Because if you allow that vibe into your life, whether you realize it or not, it’s going to affect you and your relationships. Don’t bring in low character people into your life. They might come up to your level a little bit, but if they’re totally unreliable and flaky and they don’t follow through on what they say, that’s not your problem.
To date, I’ve just accepted this as fate, and I can’t control other people’s behavior. I also don’t know the dynamics of somebody’s marriage. So, I have moved on and try to concentrate on being positive with my other friends.
Well, you separate the men from the boys. As you get older, and I’m fifty one now, you realize who’s really on your team after several decades and who’s not. And all the flaky people just kind of disappear and go by the wayside. It is what it is. The people who make the effort to stay in touch deserve to be in your life, and the others that don’t, they can go on down the road.
I guess I’m just perplexed that I could spend so much time and energy with my good friends and then be dropped like a hat! (If there was something I could attribute to my behavior I could understand, but there isn’t in these cases.)
Again, I would say in this case, you overrated their interest and integrity in a friendship, and obviously you had a higher character than they did and they didn’t make the cut. It’s not your problem. Remember, asshole free zone. My life is an asshole free zone, my life is an asshole free zone, say the mantra over and over and get a sweet mug at the Teespring Coach Corey Wayne store.
About a year ago I was asked to reunite and see my old friend and his wife by another mutual friend. So I did. It was fine, but I had an uneasiness that I felt. I don’t want to contribute my valuable time and energy to someone who doesn’t value it. Does that seem wrong?
Absolutely not, dude. And it was nice that you gave him the time to to catch up and see you again. But obviously, things aren’t ever going to go back to the way they were 20 years ago, because if he really cared about you and really valued your friendship and was actually a man, he would have stood up to his wife, but he didn’t. So he’s out of here, gone like the wind.
I suppose I know the answer to my own question, “keep on keeping on,” but I just wanted to get your perspective on this.
Thanks again for your time. You are a great service to society!
Cheers
Bob
I think he did the right thing, dude. Don’t feel bad. No amount of you feeling bad is going to do anything to help these flaky ass friends of yours. All you really need to do is focus on giving your valuable time to people that actually reciprocate it and value and are excited to see you and spend time with you. Because other people that want something from you or that are just trying to use you — maybe they want business, maybe they want clients, maybe they want significance, whatever it happens to be — if they’re not willing to give fully in all areas that are important to you, they can go on down the fucking road. It’s just not worth it.
“Some people are just a mess and can’t get their act together. They are perpetually late, always have drama in their personal and professional lives and are generally unreliable. Others are selfish and narcissistic and treat other people like dirt. Honorable people say what they mean and mean what they say. You can set your watch to how reliable and dependable they are. Good people are rare, hard to come by and the exception to the rule. Whatever you tolerate, you invite more of into your life. People who refuse or who are simply incapable of treating you like you want and deserve should be given the gift of missing you permanently when they repeatedly demonstrate that they don’t value you or your time. Life is simply too short to put up with people who have low standards, otherwise you’ll eventually lower your standards to their level and never reach your full potential.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne
