Overcoming Needy Behavior
What you should do if you struggle to overcome needy behavior that turns women off.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who struggles with overcoming needy behavior. He says he’s been following my work for several years and has read How To Be A 3% Man seven times. He says the woman he has been dating for about a month does all of the pursuing, but recently he hasn’t heard from her in about four days.
He’s wondering if he should pursue her more, because he feels his needy feelings and emotions creeping up on him. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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I’ve got an email from a guy who is struggling to overcome his previous needy behavior. And if you’re familiar with How To Be A 3% Man, this is something that most guys tend to struggle with, especially if they’ve been driven by fear in the past. Because if deep down, you have a limiting belief to tells yourself you’re not worthy, you’re not deserving of the love that you want, you’ll tend to do things or try to force things to make things happen. And so, when you start applying what you learn in a book like mine, what happens is all those fears, those doubts come to the surface and then you have to deal with them.
And so, this particular guy, he’s been following me for several years and he’s been dating a woman for the past month. Things are going great, she’s doing all the pursuing, and then all of a sudden he hadn’t heard from her in three or four days. He’s going, “What the hell do I do now?” This typically happens weeks in, or a month or so in, when you start dating somebody, and women just all of a sudden do something unexpected like that.
If she’s calling and texting you every day, and all of a sudden she stops and you don’t hear from her for a few days, is she mad at you? Did you do something to upset her? Or is she just doing it to see what happens? Is she just purposely backing off to see what you’re going to do? Or maybe her interest has dropped. And so, in those moments, if you’re not sure of yourself, or like in this case, this guy was totally sure of where things were going, and now he’s unsure, how do you deal with it when those particular things happen? How do you determine what the correct response should be?
Everybody’s got to push past this particular kind of fear, because otherwise it will totally run your life, you’ll be driven by fear, and you’ll never feel comfortable in your relationship, because you’re always going to be doing something that’s unnatural. In other words, you’re doing things that are not really aligned with your own masculine energy. But when you relax and you can hang back, and the woman behaves like I discuss in my book, that’s what really builds your confidence. And so, we’re trying to get this guy from where he’s at, still unsure of himself, to that place of conscious competence, where he can just relax, focus on his mission and purpose, and things tend to go quite well in his relationship.
The idea is we want him to be displaying confidence throughout this, instead of becoming totally perturbed and doing something that he’s going to regret. Because, especially guys in this situation, like I once was, things never work out the way you want them to. And you’re hoping that finally things are going to turn around and you’ll start seeing things move in that direction. You’re applying what’s in How To Be A 3% Man, you’re getting the results, like “This is pretty easy,” and then all of a sudden you don’t hear from the girl for three or four days, when she had been reaching out to you just about every day, sometimes multiple times a day.
I’ve been following your work for several years, I have read the book about 7–8 times, and I also skim through it sometimes and watch your videos religiously. You have helped me tremendously these past few years, and I have a lot of love for you and what you do, so thank you!
About a month ago, I started dating a girl that is pretty much everything on my list, she showed really high interest in me from the start and has done ALL of the pursuing. We hooked up on the first date and have been on 5 dates so far. They all went well and we hooked up on every single one. The only slip up I’ve had was one time I made a date while on another date, but that was on the 2nd date and I recognized the mistake right away and it didn’t seem to lower her attraction for me.
What’s in the book is not set in stone. These are not iron rules that you can’t break. It’s to understand the philosophy, the ebb and flow, so you do the most attractive type of behavior which continues to raise her interest in you, which is the idea. So, if their interest is really high, you can make mistakes. If it drops down a little bit, it just goes right back up.
The key is to do more things right than wrong, and that’s the important thing. And what I like is that he recognized that he’d screwed up, because you’ve got to be able to self-regulate in these situations. That’s why I say to read the book 10 to 15 times, because you get a good understanding of the philosophy, the ebb and flow. It’s not just any one particular thing.
Her birthday was last weekend and she suggested that we go on a trip out of town for 2 days. We had a great time and were having a lot of great sex, she also expresses a lot of affection and constantly tells me things she likes about me, and she mentioned to me during the trip that she isn’t sleeping with anyone else at the moment, all good signs!
The problem I’m having is I do have trouble meeting new women in my area, so this is the only girl I’m dating right now, and I can feel that I’m getting oneitis and start feeling a lot of my old needy behaviors and insecurities creeping up on me.
Yeah, because things are going well. He’s gotten further along with this girl than he has with all the others that he’s liked on this level. But when you take a step back, up until this point in his life, he never got to see it through. Things started off well in the past. Maybe he got a handful of dates, and then he was out. And so, now he’s like, “Well, I got a month in on this. Things are going well. It’s probably not going to work out. Something’s probably going to go sideways.”
I mean, how could you not think that when your track record has been nothing but failure, and now you’ve gotten further than you’ve ever gotten, you’re still worried, and then you get a curveball? This is why you read the book 10 to 15 times, so when these curveballs happen, you know what to do. But if you had only just kind of skimmed through the book, there’s a good chance you’ll do the wrong thing. That’s why it’s so great, especially with women like this, that he feels this way about it, because these girls don’t come along every day.
Women that you click with, they don’t come along every day. And I often say, “Well, how often do you meet a new best friend?” It’s the same thing with women. Great women that you click with, where it’s just easygoing, effortless, easy to be with them, they don’t come along very often. And so, when they do and then you screw it up, and you realize after you screwed it up that you screwed it up, why you screwed it up, how you screw it up, and you don’t know when it’s going to happen again, when you’re going to meet the next person that feels that way, that sucks. It might be years. And those are not pleasant thoughts to have.
On a few occasions, she texted me the day after a date, but sometimes she waits a couple of days, (2 or 3) .
That’s where the analogy from the book that “women are like cats” comes in, because they’re not going to always do what you expect. Remember, they’re going off of their feelings and their emotions. And they typically only reach out when they really start to miss you, and they’re thinking about you a lot, and they’re feeling good feelings about you.
This is kind of the moment where I use the analogy that it’s like baking a cake in the oven. You put the cake in the oven, and you’ve just got to kind of let it bake. And what guys do is they get impatient and they keep opening the oven door, trying to see if the cake is done yet — in other words, if her sexual anticipation and attraction has gone up, her interest has gone up — and what happens is they start to come off as needy and neurotic.
The women can sense that, they can feel that the guy is not sure himself. He’s displaying a lack of confidence, which obviously is a turnoff. So, we’re trying to keep these displays of a lack of confidence to a minimum, because they’re not going to help your case. You want her thinking that you’re the most amazing man she’s ever met, so her interest continues to go up as quickly as possible, so you can get to the promised land.
I haven’t heard from her in 2 days and I’m already getting anxious, but I know better than to chase, so I’m being patient. This is the first time I’m having this experience with someone I really like so I wanted to get your perspective on it and ask you some questions:
1) How do I overcome the anxiety that comes from resisting needy behavior? I feel like I’m doing a good job, but I’m so fixated on things happening a certain way and in a certain time frame.
Well, when you want reality to be other than it is, you’re going to suffer. So, you’ve got to knock that off.
I can’t seem to relax and let go, so I start thinking at some point this might cause me to fuck up.
It’s understandable. Anything that’s going to really change this in the long run is time and repetition, having more time with her, getting past the first two or three months, getting six months down the road, a year down the road, two years down the road. And if things go well for the next year or two and you continue to do things right, and then when you run into little hiccups later on — I mean, this is more like a dating type of thing — but when you’re in a relationship, then you’re going to be dealing with communication issues. You might not always communicate and get her to open up and to make her feel heard and understood. That’s an art, and those things are going to come up in the future.
That’s why the relationship skills are towards the back of the book in “How To Be A 3% Man,” because they really don’t come into play until several months in, when you’re in an exclusive relationship. And that’s why you’ve got to learn all of these things, because a lot of guys where he’s at right now learn the pickup and dating things and things go well for several months, and they’re like, “I don’t really need to read this 10 to 15 times. I don’t need that relationship stuff, everything’s going great.”
And then what happens is they get into the phase where they actually need those tools, and they didn’t learn them. They start screwing up, her interest starts dropping and then they run into problems. So, to answer your question, it’s just going to be more time doing things right than wrong, and seeing her stick around, and seeing her interest high and remaining high, and knowing that you’re able to influence that. Because you’re in control of yourself, your relationship stays on easy street, if you will. Easygoing, easy to get along with, that’s what you want. That’s the sweet spot.
2) And just in case, I wanted to ask you this. If I girl has been doing all of the chasing, but you don’t hear from her in 3–4 days, should you pursue her? Should I wait longer than that to hear from her?
I’d be honored if you chose my email for a newsletter and If you do I hope it’s helpful to your viewers and supporters. Thank you for all that you do Coach!
Well, as I talk about in the book, in situations like this, if you’ve been dating for a month like he has, and normally within two to three days she reaches out, and maybe three or four days go by and she hasn’t, the fallback position is always a week. So, if you haven’t heard from her in a week, she’s either doing it on purpose, she’s lost interest, maybe you did something wrong or turned her off, or maybe you weren’t really listening when you were together, so she didn’t feel heard and understood. You don’t know.
When you get into friction, when you get into her getting upset with you, then you learn what kind of a communicator she is. Some women get mad and angry, and they give you the silent treatment. And the only way you know something is wrong or they’re mad at you is when you’re used to hearing from her every day, or a couple of times a day, then several days go by and you haven’t heard from them. And so, these are things you learn along the way.
Women that are good communicators and have a good attitude, good, healthy self-esteem, they’ll bring it up right away. They’ll bring up something that’s bothering them, and then you can talk about it and work it out. So, the healthier a woman is, the better her skills are when it comes to communication, the easier it’s going to be to get over bumps in the road. The more she has drama or family problems or grew up in a broken home, the more it’s going to be harder to resolve these things in most cases. You’ll typically start getting passive aggressive behavior, or she starts getting angry, picking fights, arguing, those kinds of things.
It really makes a big deal at this point what kind of home she grew up in, because that’s where she’s going to learn her skills. It’s like, when things get under pressure in the relationship, especially with her, her emotions are involved, and she feels hurt or feels like you don’t understand her, or maybe you didn’t take the time, how she reacts will tell you a lot about her behavior and your ability to work things out and communicate easily and effortlessly.
So, again, I’d wait a full week, wait a full seven days, and then reach out. But more than likely, if she’s used to reaching out every two or three days, she might mix it up and all of a sudden you might not hear from her for three or four days, especially if you spent a whole weekend together. And it sounds like they spent several days together because of her birthday.
So, it would be understandable if normally you hear from her in two to three days after a date, then you spend a whole weekend where you’re together with each other for three days or four days, then all of a sudden you might not hear from her for three or four days. And so, I’d be patient. Like I said, the fallback position, as I discuss in “How To Be A 3% Man,” is a week. Just wait a full week. That’s what I would do if I were you.
So, if you’ve got a question or challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
“People who didn’t get enough strokes as kids, tend to be prone to displaying needy and neurotic behavior in dating and relationships. Because they didn’t feel loved in childhood, they often become more attracted to people who have little to no interest in them, or turn off those who are really interested. They become fearful that they won’t be loved, and in order to gain certainty of where they stand, they call, text and contact them more, seeking validation and reassurance. This communicates a lack of confidence, which is a turn off for women whose number one male strength characteristic that grows attraction is confidence.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne