How to know if you are suffering from oneitis, thinking you have met the one perfect girl, but she’s not interested.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who is obviously suffering from oneitis and thinking that he has met the one perfect girl, when in reality, her actions and words seem to reflect that she’s simply not interested. He shares how they met, their interactions and their text exchange when he tried setting a date.
He’s definitely projecting his high interest onto her while ignoring the fact that she’s not making it easy to spend time with her. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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This is pretty common, because we tend to project our fantasy of what we want onto other people, and we often ignore the fact that it’s just simply not mutual. Where this can become a problem is when we project this fantasy and we ignore the fact that they’re not reciprocating interest. They’re not doing anything to make it easy to get together on a date, and people can get hung up.
The key is when you see the romantic interest is not reciprocated — and I go into detail in How To Be A 3% Man on what to look for — when it’s not there, don’t take it personally. Just move on to your next prospect. Because if you do what this guy does, you can literally waste years of your life. I’ve spoken to people who wasted seven, ten, fifteen, twenty years being hung up on one woman who’s just simply not reciprocating interest. They stay stuck in freindzone and this woman is always in the back of their mind, but she’s always unavailable and tells them she’s just interested in being a friend.
And typically, she’s got a boyfriend, or if she is single, she keeps him at arm’s length. But the guys just seem undeterred, because they’ve seen too many movies where if you just pursue enough and tell her how much you really super duper like her, eventually she’ll fall in love with you and you’ll live happily ever after. And it’s like, the geeky guy who wrote the screenplay fantasized about the woman that he liked in high school and had no interest in him, so he writes a movie where the geeky guy actually gets that girl that had no interest.
And when you see that over and over as you’re growing up and every day as you become an adult, that propaganda reinforces a fairy tale that’s simply delusional and nonexistent. As a self-respecting, self-loving human being, you want somebody who’s excited to be with you, that’s grateful for the opportunity, that wants to talk to you and engage with you.
If somebody doesn’t simply have that same vibe that you do, it should be taken as demeaning to your self to continue staying engaged trying to convert that person or hoping that they’re going to change their mind, instead of seeing yourself and acting like a high-value person who just moves on to the next prospect.
I’m a 32-year old criminal defense lawyer. I’ve read your book at least a dozen times along with the videos to supplement for over 3 years. I met a new prosecutor who started right during the pandemic in March 2020 while all our cases were virtual. She lasted as a prosecutor until the end of 2020. I had a case with her December 2020 where she told me she was leaving and going back to private practice. I find out from her she is moving to an office half block from where I practice.
Fast forward, we were still in major lockdown through first quarter of 2021. I reached out once to her during lockdown asking, “Neighbor, how is the practice of law down your block?” She responded and then I tried to initiate a date, but she was waiting for the post pandemic world. No Biggie! She responded back instantly though!
It depends on where you were. I know some places in Europe come and beat the crap out of you, force a mask on you and take you to jail if you’re not wearing a mask. But here in the free state of Florida, things were fairly normal, even though you had to deal with mask nazis.
Move forward to now, Summer 2021, out of lockdown, I finally met her in person 4th of July weekend, because we have mutual lawyer friends, and we went out to a bar. (I met her because my buddy texted me saying, “She’s coming out with us, and I know you want to meet her,” so I went out).
So, now that he’s involving all of his friends and letting them know he’s interested in this woman, they’ll be like, “He’s a really great guy.” When people are over-selling you on somebody, it’s the same thing as when one of your female friends goes, “Oh, I have the perfect girl for you. You guys would be amazing together.” Oh, so is she pretty? “Well, she’s really nice!” Then you’re like, “I think I’m going to pass on that.”
So, if you hear that enough from people who are well meaning and well intentioned, they start to make you look like a guy who’s just undesirable. Besides, you tried to set a date and she was just like, “Aw shucks, those darn lockdowns. We’re just going to have to wait.”
Her friends loved me, and I told them I came out because I wanted to meet her “in person.”
To which they loved, (she didn’t know!).
Bro, she knows. They told her, and it didn’t help your case. It didn’t make you look confident and masculine. It looked like you were scheming and plotting together with people to put some peer pressure on her to get her to go out with you.
That wasn’t my intent, but whatever, positive vibes!
I would never involve other people in your romantic interests, because you never know. There could be one of the guys in this mutual group who also wants to date her, and without realizing it, he’s trying to sandbag you behind the scenes. As the old Indian proverb goes, “If tribe not to know, keep mouth shut.”
She is definitely shy compared to her friends, whom I meshed with instantly. She was just shy in general!
Or maybe she’s just not that into you, bro. You can tell he’s very enthusiastic about her all throughout the email. But if you look at her reaction, she’s kind of like, “Eh.”
This girl is very similar to me, which we both found out about each other, meaning both only children and first lawyers in our family.
So, he’s probably been talking to a lot of people about her, and all of this shit’s going to get back to her, dude. Especially if you’re telling other women. Women can keep a secret for a matter of seconds. I think the study was like 42 seconds was the average time a woman could keep a secret.
She is drop dead gorgeous but probably doesn’t think she’s that gorgeous, (I can’t believe she’s single).
Maybe she’s crazy. You don’t know.
Anyway, she struck me in a way that not all women strike me. You know the feeling brother, amazing feeling!
See, we all make our decisions based upon our emotions, and we use logic and reason to justify our decisions. In this case, this guy is an attorney. He’s used to making arguments. So, he’s gotten carried away with his oneitis and his emotions and he’s going out of the way to build up and puff up their limited interactions. But the reality is, if a woman likes you, she’s going to help you get to her front door. And so far in our little story, she hasn’t been willing to do that.
Fast forward to the present week, post 4th of July weekend. I waited 4 days to text her, and here is the text exchange verbatim:
Me: “Hey Jessica! I’m glad we finally got to meet in the non-virtual world. It doesn’t happen every day where I meet someone who is like me, meaning the first Esquire in their family who also happens to be an only child too! I want to see you when you’re free to grab a drink soon and get to know you more! What’s your schedule like?”
Come on, Bob. Can you drool more on your phone as you’re writing this? It’s too nice. It’s too much flowery of language.
Her: “Hey Bob, it was nice to see you as well! I’m actually going away this weekend to the beach. I’m so sorry!”
Notice she doesn’t say, “Oh, I can’t this weekend, but next week definitely. Let’s do it!” And you’ll notice her messages are much shorter than his.
Me: “No need to apologize! Sounds like a fun weekend! How about we plan something some other time soon when your schedule is a little more open!”
Her: She “liked” my message.
So, when somebody just likes your message when you’re in a text exchange, it shows there is a lack of interest. In other words, that’s the end of the conversation. That’s what she wants. She wants the conversation to end.
Question: If I do not hear from her within the next few weeks, do I try one more time to schedule a definite date with her and see what her response is? Maybe she’s the one!
Come on, man. Do you really think after taking a step back and looking at her interactions, looking at this text exchange that she’s really going, “Bob is the one for me! I can’t wait to get together for our very first date, and then it’s going to be matrimonial bliss forever and ever.” I would say she’s just trying to hopefully communicate in a way that you recognize she’s not interested and you just go away.
I would say, your texts are just way too long, way too flowery language and way too much drooling all over the phone. I’m sorry, but here’s just too much soy in your responses. The important thing, from the beginning there’s just no mutual enthusiasm. She’s making no effort to make it easy.
If she really liked you and was really glad that you reached out, she wouldn’t have just said, “Aw shucks, I’m going away this weekend. Gosh darn it, we’re not going to be able to get together.” She would have been like, “Well, I can’t this weekend, but I’m free Tuesday,” or “My schedule’s open next week.” She would tell you something like that. So, her response shows that she’s like, “Eh.”
So, the other thing I want to critique here is what you said, “How about we plan something some other time soon when your schedule is a little more open.” My response wouldn’t have been, “No need to apologize! Sounds like a fun weekend,” which just sounds phony and fake. It sounds like somebody on a game show, something a game show host would say like, “Better luck next time, Bob!”
So, the way I would have handled this, I would have just said, “Hey, no problem. What’s your schedule like next week? What days are you free next week?” and see what she would have said. When you try to make a date with somebody and you use the takeaway, it seems like he’s misusing the takeaway strategy. He was saying “some other time soon.”
In other words, if you have a date set and she tries to waffle or change the time, or she’s not being really open, you’re going to say, “Well, we can do it some other time when your schedule’s more open.” Because if she’s like, “Oh yeah, sounds good,” she didn’t offer any time.
I wouldn’t have handled it this way, but the reality is there’s just no enthusiasm at all. So, you could reach out in maybe two or three weeks and just say, “Hey! I wanted to see what your schedule looked like, if you’re free to get together,” because she might be in another headspace. She might have a different attitude then. But if I take the totality of everything here, I’d be like, bro, she’s just not that into you.
I would wait two or three weeks, maybe a month, and see if she reaches out. Stop talking about her to everybody. Stop drooling all over yourself about her to your friends and your mutual contacts hoping that’s going to help your case, because it’s not. It’s just simply not going to help. Give it one more shot.
But like I said, the odds of her being in a different headspace are maybe 10%. I’d say, the odds aren’t in your favor. If I was in Vegas and I was placing a bet, I’d be betting on you not getting a date with her. It’s below a 50/50 shot. But hey, you might as well take another run at it in few weeks and see what happens. Be more direct and decisive. Cut out all of the BS and flowery language. Just be brief and get to the point. Be nice but brief, and see what happens.
There’s just a lack of enthusiasm here. If a woman had really high interest, a 7 or 8 on a scale of 1–10, she would have still made a date with you. That’s the reality. This one, her interest is really low. My goal is to critique you to help you get better, because when you’ve got women that you’re just barely attractive enough in their eyes that they would go out with you, text exchanges like this will be enough where she goes, “Oh, this guy’s a fucking beta male. Another nice guy.” She’s been out with tons of guys who behave this way, and she knows how it ends. So, she’s just nipping it in the bud.
It’s important to be as perfect as you can. That’s why I go through and I critique these things, so you can be better next time. Because there might be a woman and her interest is only a five and your texting is better than what you posted here, and it’s enough to get a date.
If you’ve got a question or a challenge in your personal or your professional life and you’d like to get my help with it, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
“People tend to project their dating fantasy onto potential lovers, but often overlook and ignore the fact the objects of their affections have little to no romantic interest in them. The harsh reality is that most people you want to date won’t have mutual high interest in you. Approaching potential romantic partners should be seen as an opportunity to gauge their interest and compatibility, not as a major life event. People who like you will be enthusiastic to talk to you, curious about you and excited to spend time with you. When they aren’t, don’t take it personally. You simply have to get through the no’s in order to get to the yes’s. You will fail more than you succeed, but you only need one good one for magic to happen.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne