Obsessive Thinking & Being Perturbed Because of Insecurity
What you should do if you are obsessively thinking and being perturbed about your woman because of insecurity.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who broke up with his girlfriend a few weeks ago. She recently bought a new house and has been very distant, even checking business emails while they were on a date together. They broke up because he was not happy with her level of effort in the relationship.
Now, he is obsessively thinking about her and being perturbed, instead of being calm and letting her come to him at her own pace. He’s chased her right out of his life without realizing it. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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He’s like, “How do I stop this obsessive thinking,” and it’s interesting because it brings up something that I talk about often. How we show up in life, typically, is a result of what happened to us in childhood — especially when we feel like love has been withheld unfairly. This is something that’s really important and a lot of people deal with it, especially like the family I grew up in. My aunts, my uncles, my grandparents, my parents, nobody showed affection, nobody said, “I love you,” they didn’t touch each other. I thought it was normal growing up.
When I was real little and my brother was real little, and once we got a little older, my parents didn’t know what to do with this. They were just weird and awkward around us. When you don’t get enough hugs, and you don’t hear enough attaboys and “I love you,” and “I’m proud of you,” and things of that nature, it’s going to affect how you perceive yourself.
And then you grow up, and you go out into the world, and you interact with other people, you’re just simply not going to know how to interact in a way that’s normal and healthy, because you don’t know what that feels like. Definitely in my case, not only did I not know what that felt like, I didn’t know what it looked like because I just didn’t see it. It didn’t exist.
The other thing to consider is if you didn’t get that love and attention, it feels normal not to get it. And so, that’s why, like what I wrote about in How To Be A 3% Man and plus in a lot of these videos, you see guys staying engaged with people who don’t reciprocate love and affection and attention, or the same level of it, and putting up with it because, to them, it’s normal.
They don’t know what normal is like. And so, they constantly stay involved with people who just don’t feel the same way and aren’t reciprocating it. To them, it’s normal. It’s obviously very frustrating, because they want love, they want affection, they want attention. You know, it’s really important to think about your childhood and where you came from and how your parents and your family influenced you, because you’ll see as we go through this email, I mean, the title of the guy’s email was, “How do I stop obsessively thinking about this girl?”
My girlfriend and I broke up few weeks ago, and here’s why. Recently, she bought a new house and ever since she shifted to her new place, I noticed a shift in her. She became overly busy with her business and spent less and less time with me.
So, you can tell already he’s irritated and he’s perturbed. She’s withholding her love unfairly in his mind. And more than likely, he grew up in a family where this was his reality. But he’s not seeing how his behavior is actually driving her away.
If you’re familiar with “How To Be A 3% Man,” as the woman backs away like this, typically because of over-pursuing or neediness, you’re going to match and mirror that behavior. But for a guy that doesn’t know any better, when the woman backs away, he tries to do more. I refer to this as The Illusion of Action in “How To Be A 3% Man.” He has to do something, because us guys are driven to do something.
She had been talking about needing space and I respected that.
When a woman says “I need space,” they feel smothered. It means you’re calling too much, you’re texting too much, you’re too overbearing, you’re all over them. And as I talk about “How To Be A 3% Man,” especially this far down the road, the guy should never be doing more than 20–30% of the calling, texting and pursuing, but it’s obvious he’s probably doing way more than that. And so, she’s needing space because he’s not acting like a man. He’s acting like an insecure little girl, which is a turnoff.
How is she supposed to respect his masculine core if she’s doesn’t text or call him back and in the way or the time that he expects and he gets upset with her? So, every time he interacts with her, he’s getting upset and butt-hurt and takes it as a personal violation. It’s just going to cause her to back away and want to have less to do with him, because he’s totally perturbed. He’s not acting masculine.
But one evening while talking, she told me, “I am not going to see you” the next day. It almost felt like she said, “I don’t want to see you.”
Well, quite frankly, she probably was communicating that she didn’t want to see you, because again, she’s asked for space and that tells me that you were smothering her and not even realizing you were doing it. Because what’s really going on is you’re looking for that attention and validation and love that you didn’t get from mommy and daddy growing up, and so now you react the same way to your girlfriend.
I didn’t say anything. Things got worse when one week, she would text me late in the evening only to tell how busy she is.
Men should not be getting perturbed about this. You just take it as constructive criticism and feedback for where she’s at emotionally, like I talk about in “How To Be A 3% Man“ — the chapter, “It’s All In The Numbers,” where I go through the attraction table. And when you’re hearing how busy she is, she’s not missing you enough. So, that should be the cue that “I need to back off,” because you want a woman who’s excited to spend time with you.
The same thing with your friends. If you’ve got friends that are like, “Oh yeah, I’m busy, I can’t do this, I can’t do that,” you just say, “Hey, when things free up, get in touch. I’d love and hang out and have some beers, catch up, whatever,” and you just leave them alone. And eventually, a week or two, or whatever, will go by and then they’ll get in touch. But if you blow your friend’s phone up like, “Hey, do you want to get together? Hey, do you want to get together? Why don’t you want to get together? What’s wrong? Did I do something?” No, you’re just a lunatic. You don’t act that way.
I got really frustrated and stopped responding to her message. She finally asked and I told her everything — that I didn’t like the way she told me that she was not going to see me…
You’re communicating that you’re totally perturbed and butt-hurt, which is totally unattractive. And the reality is she’s reacting to how you were showing up. If you were acting needy and insecure and she wants space, and then you get butt-hurt that she actually takes the space and you give her a hard time, you’re causing her to associate negative feelings with being with you. And therefore, that’s what she associates with being with you.
And so, if being around you or talking to you is a negative experience, she’s going to want to do less of that. That’s common sense. Getting mad at her and upset, you should be looking at yourself, “What did I do to cause her to feel this way, to go from being excited to seeing me to not being able to fit me in her schedule and telling me how busy she is?” When a woman is telling you how busy she is and how crazy her schedule is, she’s basically saying, “I don’t really want to spend time around you,” so you let her be. No problem.
…that she wasn’t giving time, and that she checked her business email when we were out at dinner.
Granted, if you were out to dinner and she was on her phone, it’s like,”Babe, we’re on a date. Put the phone away.” But at the end of the day, if she’s gotten to that point where she’d rather check her emails than talk to you on a date, things have been going sideways for a long time and you weren’t paying attention.
That is the man’s responsibility. You’re the leader. If you’re the leader, the buck stops with you, everything stops with you. And the way a woman shows up, she’s showing up and responding to how you’re showing up, or not showing up, for that matter.
She finally opened up that she had been stressed about her health and growing her business. And more so because of added expenses due to the new house. She told me that physically, she is not able to do all — health, business, and relationship — and that physically she is not there.
It’s not that she has no time for a relationship. She doesn’t have time for a relationship with you, because again, you’re not fun. You’re not making her feel good when you interact with her. And so, therefore, of course she wants some peace in her life. You’re not bringing peace. You’re not the escape from her tough life. You’re just like another attention seeking child. She wants a teammate and an equal, not a little butt-hurt boy that didn’t get enough strokes as a kid.
To which I responded, then there’s no reason for us to be together if she is physically not there. Now, this is a recurring pattern because it happened at least 4 times in the last year.
Well, again, you’re constantly driving her away with your needy, insecure jackassery. That’s the reality. You need to read “How To Be A 3% Man” and apply it, dude. If a woman pushes you away, you walk away and never look back. And then when she does reach out, create an opportunity for sex to happen. Hang out, have fun and hook up, just like I talk about in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.”
Even the whole tone of your email is like, “How can I control this girl and make her do what I want?” That’s the problem. Women are like cats. Have you ever been around a cat? You cannot control a cat. It does not like it.
The pattern goes like this, everything will be okay for 1–2 months, then her health would start getting impacted, and finally she would call off the relationship.
Again, if she was having health problems and you were her rock and her mountain, she would want you to be there, you would be the one that she’d be leaning on. But instead, she can’t deal with her health problems and deal with a “man baby” who loses his shit when she doesn’t return a phone call or a text in a timely manner.
Get some hobbies, go spend time with your family, go hang out with some friends. Go to the gym, get involved in your purpose and your mission in life, dude. You can’t make the woman the center of your life. She should be a complement to it.
I also want to note that she has a tendency to overwork.
It doesn’t matter, dude. That’s irrelevant. The bottom line is her interest is low because you’ve chased her out of your life.
Now, this time, we didn’t see each other for 3 weeks. In these 3 weeks, we have exchanged messages, but she appears closed.
That tells me, even after she wanted space, you kept barraging her with messages looking for attention and validation, again, acting like an insecure little girl instead of a man.
If I ask how she has been or how life’s been, she says she is good. That’s it. Under normal circumstances, she would go at length to explain things with full of emojis. It’s clear that she has stepped into her masculine core.
No, dude. It’s clear that she’s lost interest for you. You’re trying to go, “Oh, there’s something wrong with her,” but in reality, it’s how you’re showing up. You’re turning her off, and you’re not even seeing that, you’re not even noticing it.
Today, we were having an exchange and when she asked me how I was doing, I gave her little details but told her that I would love to talk over dinner. Right there and then, she stopped responding.
So, more than likely, he probably reached out again. You should not be chasing a woman ever or reaching out to a woman ever that says she needs space. When a woman says she needs space, you give her all the space she needs, even if it’s permanent space. Besides, you’re not together anymore. You don’t chase after somebody that breaks it off with you. It’s like he did the breakup thinking that’s going to make her want me more, but he didn’t really change anything. He’s continued chasing her.
This has put me in an overthinking state, and I am not sure what to do about it.
You’re not going to do anything about it. You should be reading “How To Be A 3% Man” and actually following what it teaches.
Part of me thinks that she doesn’t want to do anything with me.
Hey, dude, guess what? You’re right, she doesn’t because her interest is low, and you did that by acting like a bitch. I know it’s harsh, but somebody needs to tell you, because you ain’t getting the message.
I would like to have her in my life, but only if she desires me.
You have to let women come to you at their pace. You’re trying to force everything.
Otherwise, it won’t work. I also want to acknowledge that during this separation, I recognized that I have attachment issues that I need to work on and need to find a way to keep focused on my mission and purpose.
You always have to be focused on your mission and purpose, as a man. It doesn’t matter what your woman is or isn’t doing, and whether you’re in a relationship or single. Your mission comes first and foremost, as a man, and when it doesn’t, women are going to lose attraction for you. That’s what masculinity is. No matter what, masculinity pursues the purpose and mission.
When such an event takes place, relationship becomes the most dominant thought on my mind.
It can’t. Your purpose has to be the most dominant thought.
And this is counterproductive.
Obviously. You keep chasing her out of your life.
I would really appreciate some guidance from your side.
PS: Apologies, if I don’t sound coherent. I am writing it out of deep sense of pain.
Well, you should take some time and focus on your issues and work through them, instead of trying to make this girl your mommy or your therapist. She’s supposed to be a complement to your life, and instead you’re trying to treat her like your mommy, and you’re getting butt-hurt because she’s not spending enough time with you. And in reality, you’re chasing her right out of your life.
Dude, this is such a simple problem or situation to solve. Wait to hear from her, assume she wants to see you, make a date. Let her do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing. Stop chasing, stop reaching out, stop checking in on her. Stop trying to see how she’s doing, and quite frankly, go out on some dates with some other women.
Get out there and circulate, because more than likely, she’s probably not the best girl that’s out there anyway. You probably settled, because you’re new to “How To Be A 3% Man.” It’s all about the woman of your dreams, not somebody that’s average and mediocre.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
“People who feel like love was withheld from them unfairly tend to be unsure of themselves and can often behave needy and insecure around those they love or want to have a relationship with. When a child doesn’t get the love and attention they need in childhood, they look for reasons to explain this and create a mental story that makes sense for why love is being withheld unfairly; usually that they are unlovable and that there is something wrong with them. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy that affects all of their actions and relationships. It’s essential to your emotional and mental well-being to make sure the people who you spend your time with reciprocate a similar level of effort, love and attention.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne