No Contact Worked, But Am I Being Too Much Of A Cold Fish?
How to know if you’re being too much of a cold fish when she comes back after no contact works.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who got dumped by his girlfriend of 5 years for acting needy, insecure, trying to lock her down and not being fun. He moved out and she started contacting him, coming over and hooking up. However, she is standoffish when she first comes over and is unsure of where she stands. She wants to pursue more, but is unsure if he really wants her to. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my Video Coaching Newsletter. And the topic of today’s Newsletter is going to be, “No Contact Worked. But Am I Being Too Much Of A Cold Fish?”
Well, this particular email, this viewer got dumped by his girlfriend of five years for as he said, he was acting needy, he was acting insecure, he was trying to lock her down and he just wasn’t fun. So she dumped him. He moved out. And then he went in No Contact. She started contacting him, coming over, hooking up. However, he said when she first comes over, she’s kind of standoffish and cold, and she’s made it known that she’s unsure of where she stands.
She wants to call and text him more, but she often says that she’s unsure if he actually wants her to. And so it brings up a good point. Especially you guys are trying to re-attract a girl, whether it’s an ex or it could have been a girl you were dating and things are moving along, but you displayed too much unattractive behavior and got rejected, or interest dropped off, and you’re trying to get it back to where it was. So the idea is that most guys experience when they turn a woman off to the point where they get dumped, or they get broken up, or they get the “Let’s just be friends speech.”
No Contact is not a tool. It’s not a technique. It’s simply a state of being in the relationship where you got to think of it in terms of you’re in a negotiating table, you want sex and romance, she wants platonic friendship or nothing at all. And so therefore, what you want and what she wants, the other party, doesn’t match. Your goals are no longer aligned. And so the strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it.
And so if the other person is only offering you friendship blue balls, be the gay male girlfriend or a breakup, then you’re not going to stand around and try to convince her mind or try to get her to give you what you want. You’re just simply, as a man, going to go find what you want somewhere else. You’re going to look for new opportunities, new horizons, and you’re going to ride off into the sunset. And if she ever changes her mind or gets to a place where she feels remorse or thinks that maybe she reacted too harshly or she overreacted, she’ll get in touch.
And if she doesn’t, well, then you know where you stand. Because if there is any kind of interest left, any kind of romantic interest, she’s going to get used to what it’s like not having you in her life really quickly. And if there’s any kind of interest there, she’s not going to like that idea. She’s not going to like that experience, and therefore she’s going to come back. Because it’s pointless to try to keep chasing after somebody who’s made it clear they don’t want to keep you.
They don’t want to be in a relationship. They don’t want to date you. They just want to be friends. And the self-respecting, self-loving thing to do as a man is just simply go find somebody who does want to give you what you want. You don’t wait around for them to change their mind. It’s nice if they do, but life’s too short to try to change somebody’s mind. You don’t want somebody that’s sitting on a fence about you. You want somebody that would jump fences to be with you.
And so when there’s no enthusiasm, there’s no excitement, there’s no flexibility, there’s no interest, and there’s no effort to be with you or to reciprocate or to fix whatever problems you may have had in your previous relationship. Then there’s nothing you can do because it takes two to tango. And if the other person doesn’t want to tango with you, doesn’t want to dance with you, then you’ll simply go find another partner.
And sometimes that’s enough for them to come back after you. Because if they screwed the relationship up, as I discussed in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, well, they got to fix it. They messed it up. They decided unilaterally that they were out, that it was over, that they weren’t going to make any more effort towards sex and romance. And so you’re not going to grovel. You’re not going to beg. You’re not going to plead.
You’re just going to simply take your medicine and you’re going to say, “Hey, sorry you feel that way. If you change your mind, get in touch. And if I’m still available, we can go out on a date.” And then you move on with your life. You ride off into the sunset, you assume it’s over, and you’ll probably never hear from her again. And that’s the end of it. But then, if she does come back, if she does reach out, if she calls or she texts, she’s not going to say, “Hey, let’s get back together. Hey, let’s go out on a date.”
They may say something along the lines of, “I miss you or I’ve been thinking about you. How have you been?” Or the all time favorite of lazy women everywhere. “Heyyy.” And you assume that if they’re reaching out after you went No Contact and you walked away, and told me you weren’t interested in being friends, that they’re probably open to a different type of negotiating. In other words, they’re open to re-examining their reasoning for ending things because their feelings have kind of crept back up on them.
And so you’re not going to be a cold fish when they reach out. You’re going to be happy to hear from them. “Hey, it’s great to hear from you. I’d love to see you. When are you free to get together? It’s great to hear from you.” Be excited. Be excited that she came back. Don’t jump. Don’t go be overly excited. But also don’t be a cold fish to where you act like they’re an irritation. You go No Contact because they’re like, “Hey, I don’t want you. Screw you. I wouldn’t sleep with you or the last guy on earth. There’s no way I’m getting back together with you. There’s no chemistry, there’s no spark.”
And then all of a sudden, a few weeks or a few months later, they reach back out and they say, “Hey, hey, it’s awesome to hear from you. I’d love to see you. Let’s get together.” Then you invite them over to your place to make dinner together in the evening. Why? Because if you invite somebody over to make dinner at your place in the evening, sex and romance is on the table. And a girl that’s trying to jerk you around. Or she just wants to dangle the carrot.
Maybe because some other guy she’s dating, it’s not going well, and she wants to see if you’re still available, but she’s not ready to do anything. She won’t come over to your house in the evening. She’ll try to get you to meet out for coffee or for lunch or group dates, or in group settings or on neutral ground. And your attitude should be, not that you’re trying to get another chance with her, but that you’re open to giving her another chance to win you back. In other words, “We can go on a date. I’ll give you an opportunity. Maybe you’re remorseful. Maybe you had some time to think about it. You thought you overreacted. Or maybe you judge me too harshly.”
Or whatever it happens to be. You’re glad she got in touch. You’re going to make a date, but it has to be on your terms. And the reason why you follow what’s in 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back is it prevents you from having your time wasted by women that are just feeling you out, or they’re trying to see if you’re still around as a backup plan, or a chick that still thinks you’re weak, but is testing you to see if you’re man enough to stand up to her and not agree to do anything that’s platonic, or could be construed as being platonic.
So when she does come back again, it’s not, you’re trying to get another chance with her, she has to earn another chance with you. If she screwed it up, she’s got to fix it. That’s why when she does come back, she’s got to do 100% of the calling, texting and pursuing because she’s the one that pushed you away. And most of the time, the guy got to the point where he pursued the girl, to the point where she ghosted him or blocked him, or just wasn’t interested in getting together at all.
In other words, she made it clear she didn’t want anything to do with you romantically. And so therefore, she’s got to do all the contact initiation. You’ll make dates when you hear from her. You’ll be glad to hear from her. But you want to see an effort from her. Because remember, in the past she didn’t want to make any effort. No sex and romance, friendship only. Or she wanted to stay broken up and that’s it. So therefore a 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back says as long as she comes over three dates in a row and you hang out, you have fun.
You hook up all three times, then you can meet her out. Then you can pick her up. You can go on normal dates, but you got to let her do all the calling, texting and pursuing. And so with all that in mind, this guy that wrote this email is kind of in that place. He got dumped after five years. Again, he was acting needy. He was insecure. He was trying to lock her down. Not being fun, just all the reasons that most guys that don’t know any better turn women off to the point where they don’t even want to date and sleep with them, or even be around them anymore.
And so she started coming back, and they’ve been hanging out, having fun and hooking up, but it kind of looks like he’s been a little bit too much of a cold fish. So we want him to kind of tweak and fine tune his approach because it’s he’s being a little too cold. In other words, he’s kind of gone back the other way from pursuing too much to not enough. He’s being too indifferent and too much of a cold fish. So we want to find the sweet spot so she feels free to really come at him based upon how strong her feelings are, because right now she’s holding back and it’s kind of confusing him a little bit.
Viewer Email:
Hi Corey,
I was curious if I could get your opinion on my situation. Need some help here. Not sure what to do. Was with this girl for 5 years. We lived together, etc. few weeks ago she broke it off and during the break up, as well in the months prior I was acting needy, insecure, trying to lock her down.
I mean, you were living with her.
Not having fun, etc. classic. I moved out the day after our breakup and started the 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back. Told her to reach out if she changes her mind.
Well, if it was your place and she moved in with you, she should have been the one to leave. But I don’t know. Maybe you moved into her apartment. He doesn’t really go into that.
On the first date, she came over, we had a great time, hung out, hooked up that night and next morning she slept over and next morning was talking about how much she missed me. loved me, etc.
And so if she’s saying that and say, “Yeah, I missed you too. But the last time we were together, you just didn’t want to make any bit of an effort. But obviously, last night you were making a hell of an effort.” It’s like you could be warm. You don’t have to be. Because she’s there with you. Because you go No Contact because she, in essence, is a cold fish. She’s like, “No way in hell.” You’re like, “Okay.” But if you have the attitude of, “She’ll be back. You’ll be back. You know you will. You won’t be able to stay away that long.”
And then she comes back. You want to be glad that she’s there. So you kind of want to think of it as like the analogy I talk about in 3% Man or my ex girlfriend’s daughter when she was little, how I was just, one day I just noticed I kind of made the connection of how little girls act with their fathers and how they come to their dad for safety. They sit in his lap, and I was talking about how we were all in the pool, and my ex girlfriend’s daughter kept getting out of the pool and jumping and jumping into my arms, and then swinging back to the side and then jumping back into my arms.
And then she just kept doing that. And then I remember a couple of weeks after that, we were sitting in our parents garage. We were all having some drinks. Kids are all playing out in the front yard, and maybe every ten minutes or so she’d come and sit in my lap and ask me some questions and talk to me. And then after a while, she’d get up and go play with her cousins again. Ten minutes later, she’d come back and sit in my lap, and she’d have something else she’d want to talk about. And so the point, the thing that I connected the dots that made sense to how women behave when they’re adults with their romantic partner, their masculine romantic partner, is they do the same thing.
Is they kind of go off, just like as Thích Nhất Hạnh said, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” They go off, they live their life, they do their things. They haven’t heard from you. They’re not talking to you. They start to wonder about you. They think about you. They miss you. And then they reach back out, either with a phone call or a text or a FaceTime. And then you assume they want to see you. And then they eventually come over and sit in your lap.
You hang out, you have fun, you hook up, you spend a lot of time together. It almost looks like they kind of get a little bit bored after a few days or a lot of time together. And then you just let them go. And then you might not hear from them for a day or two. And then when they do reach out, they’re excited to talk to you. They’re more excited to talk to you than when they left the last time. And yet you didn’t really do anything about that.
That’s why women are kind of like cats in that behavior. They kind of behave like a cat. The cat loves being around you and purring and sit in your lap, but after a while it decides to get up and go do something else. And then sometime later, it may come back and sit in your lap again and purr. And then it kind of always leaves. “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.” And so as a man, you’re trying to facilitate that. You don’t want to smother her too much, you don’t want to act needy because that’s acting effeminate and girly and unsure of yourself.
And women love us guys being confident. So acting needy is the opposite of confident. Neediness comes from typically not getting enough strokes from Mommy and Daddy, telling you that they love you, that they’re proud of you when you were a kid. And so you grow up desperate for that kind of approval. And unfortunately, most guys seek that from the women that they want to be with, which is a turnoff because she doesn’t want to be your mommy. She wants to be your teammate, and your lover.
She doesn’t want to teach you how to be a man. They want you to know these things. And the less you know, the quicker they get turned off. All they know is that it has a negative effect on their feelings and their emotions towards you. And women don’t care what a great guy you are or how handsome you are, or are. How much money you have. They really only care about how they feel about you. And so you must act in ways that are attractive if you want to attract and keep women around.
On the first date, she came over, we had a great time, hung out, hooked up that night and next morning she slept over and next morning was talking about how much she missed me. loved me, etc.
And you say, “Of course I missed you. I was like, you couldn’t tell last night. Well, maybe you should have another round of the Indoor Olympics if you are doubting whether I missed you.” We’ll see what pops up.
I’ve been allowing her to do 100% of the calling/texting and pursuing and in between our dates I have not been very communicative through text , I’m nice but I only send a few messages like you say and I usually dip until our date.
Well, the other thing is, you were together five years. And so if she reaches out, you assume she wants to see you. And so in this initial stage, at least for the first three dates, just invite her over. So she could have spent the last night with you. And then two days later, she’s texting you, calling you. Especially if it’s 9:00, 10:00 at night.
You just say, “come over.” It doesn’t have to be an official date, because if she’s texting you, calling you 9:00, 10:00 at night, she probably wants to see you. Probably is down for a booty call. Just invite her over, hang out, have fun, hook up. That’s it. Your job is just to create that opportunity for sex to happen.
Second date, we hung out, had fun, hooked up. Same thing, she’s into me, telling me she misses me etc. but said, she “doesn’t want to get her hopes up” about us etc.
Well, she says, “I don’t want to get my hopes up.” I’d say, “Well we were together five years and you unilaterally and pretty abruptly just said, I don’t want to be in a relationship. See you later. And so I’m just taking things day by day. It’s been really wonderful these past few weeks that we’ve been seeing each other again, and I’m excited. I want to see where it goes. But, you know, I’m looking at your effort.”
“I want to see that you make the effort because I remember how things were in the past. You weren’t really willing to make an effort to save our relationship. You were just ready to tap out and say, hey, see you later. Have a nice life. So if I’m not as enthusiastic as I used to be, you got to understand. It’s like I’m excited about how things are going, but I’m just taking it day by day and seeing how you show up.”
“Because again, I remember how quickly you changed your mind and how quickly you were willing to throw away five years. So if I’m a little gun shy, well, that’s on you, babe. That means you’re going to have to try extra harder to win yours truly over. Show me that you’ve truly changed, and you’re remorseful, and you’re regretful about the way you treated me and threw away our five year relationship.”
The third date was last night. We hung out, had great sex etc. Again, she mentioned she didn’t want to be single, and mentioned being with me and wanting to be with me etc.
“Are you saying you want to get back together?” It’s like, “You want to be exclusive boyfriend girlfriend?” And if she says, “Yes.” I say, “Well, that’s pretty quick because just a few weeks ago you’re like, hey, get out of my life. See you later. Now you want to get back together. So I’m just taking my time, that’s all. I appreciate the effort, and I just want to see that you maintain things, that you maintain the effort, that you really, truly are remorseful for what you did, and you’re regretful and you’re never going to do anything so silly again because obviously it was hurtful. I didn’t enjoy you ending our five year relationship unilaterally.”
“So, you got to be patient with me. You got to be patient. You got to give me some time.” Cause by also saying that now she has to work for it. It’s not like you’re just, okay, let’s get back together. It’s, well, “I’m taking it day by day. I just want to see that you make consistent effort and your words and your actions match.” So that will force her to be on her best behavior. And it will put her in the mindset of and keep her there. “I got to win my boyfriend back.” That’s what you want her to be thinking and doing.
If you make it too easy before she’s Goo Goo Gaga, head over heels in love with you, and then you make a few mistakes, you might be right back to where you started. So if you had other choices and other options, you’re going to be skeptical. It’s only been a few weeks and already she’s ready to get back together. It’s like, “Well, let’s just take our time. I want to be sure it’s right this time around, because I was pretty shocked that after five years, you were so callous and you were so cold and you were so heartless towards me and our relationship.” I mean, these are words, things that you can say and you can do to let her understand. Hey, she fucked up without browbeating her with it.
Questions: each time we hung out especially on the third date, she has been stand offish and cold towards the beginning of the night. I usually have to get her to open up.
Well, that’s another thing, “You say, quite frankly. You say you want to get back together, but the last three times we’ve gotten together, every time you come over, you’re like a cold fish. You treat me like I’m some kind of stranger. And yet by the end of the evening, you’re like, I want to get back together. It’s like you didn’t used to treat me that way.
So if you really that warm towards me, then come over and show it. Don’t hold back. So coming over and acting like a cold fish, quite frankly, is not the kind of behavior I would expect to see from my ex-girlfriend who wants to get back together. That just shows me you’re holding back still. So don’t hold back. Act and think from your heart. Show me that you really do care. You really are remorseful and you really have changed.”
I usually have to get her to open up and it’s like she’s looking for reassurance that I want her, and I’m not just using her. She says she’s not sure if I really want her and she’s questioning my intentions. After I reassure her I do want her, and I’m interested in her, it’s like her mood /attitude/changes.
Remember, it’s like the little girl sitting in your lap. “Does daddy love me?” I’d say, “Hey, baby, of course I love you. I’m glad you’re here.” It’s just a little bit of reassurance that’s all you got to do. Remember, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. You give her reassurance that you love her, and then what happens? She jumps up, goes and runs around the yard, and a little while later comes back, just like my ex girlfriend’s little daughter did.
Metaphorically. So that’s what happens. She goes, she plays. Maybe she stumbles, her knee gets a little boo boo comes back in. “Oh, Corey, I stubbed my knee.” It’s like, “You’re okay, baby, I love you. You’re fine.” “Yay!” And then she goes skipping in the front yard, dancing, laughing, having a good time. Comes back a little while later for more reassurance. It’s just what they do there. I didn’t make them this way, but that’s how they are.
Last night she said she wants to text and call me more but she’s not sure if I want that etc.
I would say, “Well, yeah, text me and call me and then come over and make me dinner. Or come see me. Bring me some soup. Bring me a glazed donut. Bring me a chocolate frosted donut. Bring me a piece of red velvet cake. Bring me a piece of carrot cake. Bring me some vanilla pudding.” Whatever. Say something like that. Have fun with it.
I want to be with her. But I don’t know how to communicate that because it doesn’t feel like she’s all in on me.
Just take your time, bro. Remember, it takes time to fall in love. It took time for her to fall out of love with all of your unattractive behavior. And it’s going to take time for her to fall back in love.
She talks about being together but doesn’t mention exclusivity etc and it’s just starting to confuse me.
Don’t pay attention to the words. Pay attention to what she does. And if she complains that you’re not moving fast enough or you’re not doing this, you’re not doing that. Just remind her. “Hey, we live together and we were together for five years, and you unilaterally ended our relationship out of the blue. You were unwilling to fix it. And that was only a few weeks ago. So you can’t expect me to be doing backflips and act just like I did when we were in a relationship, because I just need to see consistent action from you.
I need to see that your words and your actions match. I need to see that you really mean the things you say. Because I thought our relationship was pretty strong. And then you broke it off after five years and kicked me out, basically. So again, if I’m a little gun shy or I’m not moving as fast as you think I should be. It’s like that’s on you. It’s up to you to reassure me that you’ve changed, that you’re remorseful and you’re never, ever going to do anything silly like that again.”
It feels like she’s waiting for me to initiate things and pursue her.
Definitely do not.
But that goes against what you say and ultimately she ended it.
Yeah. She’s got to fix it.
I do not want to go back to the needy guy that she broke up with and it feels like that’s what she’s expecting and almost hoping for?
No it’s not. All she’s really communicating, and she doesn’t know where she stands with you. You’re holding your cards a little too close to your vest, so it’s like you’re playing poker and she’s unsure of where she stands. And remember, it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. So strategically, you can let her know that you care and reassure her when she’s unsure. But at the end of the day, you got to let her come to you.
Because what’s going on right now is The Illusion Of Action is trying to creep back in. Because you’ve always been needy. You’ve always been clingy, and now you’re doing the opposite of it. And what you’re also starting to see is that your girlfriend doesn’t have the level of self-confidence that you thought, because you displayed so much weakness and neediness in the past that you covered it up. And now that you’re kind of holding your cards a little closer to the vest than when you were together, it’s kind of driving her nuts, but in a good way.
Because at the end of the day, she’s coming over, she’s hanging out, she’s having fun, she’s hooking up, and she’s talking about getting back together. And so you got to understand, it takes time to fall in love. It takes time to fall out of love. And it will take time to fall back in love. So take your time. Give it a couple of months. Let her come back to you. I should say, assume that it’s going to take a couple of months, but already she’s hinting at potentially getting back together because what that tells us about her feelings and her emotions is they’re going up.
She’s slowly starting to fall for you. And the more she falls for you, the more she’s going to call. The more emotional she’ll be. The more she’ll talk about the future. The more she’ll talk about her feelings, the more she’ll try to gain clarity about where she stands. And it’s okay to reassure her. Just don’t overdo it. Let her come to you at her pace.
I want to open up to her but I’m struggling with being vulnerable for fear that she is just testing me. Any advice?
Bob
Again. You telling her how much you like her and care is not going to make her love you more. There are strategic times, as I’ve mentioned throughout the video, where she comes to you and you reassure her that you care and that should be all you have to display. But feeling like you got to have some grand gesture where you vomit your feelings all over her, that’s just not going to work. You’ve got to let her come to you and take your time.
And you should be reading The Book, because the more you read The Book, especially when you get to ten, 15, 20 times, you know, it’s so well you don’t have to think about it. All stuff becomes instinctual because right now you’re probably just cherry picking and following 7 Principles To Get An Ex Back, but you don’t really understand the philosophy in The Book. And so you’re missing subtle signs and her body language, the tone of her voice.
And you really are having a hard time determining where you stand. Even though I can look at your email and know exactly what’s going on. This is why I tell you guys all the time, read The Book 10 to 15 times. You got to get to know it so well. You could teach it. You could teach a class on it. Because if you don’t know it that well, you’re going to make unnecessary mistakes and you’re going to make it harder, and it’s going to take longer for her to fall back in love with you and want to get back together again.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge, maybe you got a similar situation in your past or previous relationship and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page, and book a coaching session with yours truly.
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