No Contact: She Tried To Come Back. Is It A Good Idea?
What you should do if your ex tries to come back after no contact, but you don’t trust her.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who is new to my work. His now ex-girlfriend accused him of cheating and dumped him. A male “friend” of hers convinced her that her boyfriend was cheating on her. She listened to the “friend” over her boyfriend. The “friend” was trying to hook up with her and sabotage her relationship.
Now she is in a relationship with the “friend” but is contacting him again after he went no contact. She now appears to be trying to monkey branch back to him because she can’t stand being alone and her new boyfriend doesn’t listen to her. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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Typically somebody that’s insecure and accuses you of cheating, I mean, you’ll see as we go through the email, it has all the hallmarks of somebody who’s disloyal and dishonest. She’s hanging out with this friend who basically is trying to get into her pants, convinces her that her boyfriend’s lying and cheating to her. She accuses him of it, dumps him, gets together with this new guy, and then he becomes her boyfriend.
A few months go by, and she starts reaching out to this guy again. This is a great email, because it’s what you’re really looking for. Especially in the vetting process, if you’re looking for a long term exclusive monogamous relationship, you’ve got to make sure the person you’re with values it. They don’t have male orbiters that they’re hanging out with that are trying to get into their pants when you’re not around. Exactly like what happened in this particular situation. But I mean, at the end of the day, this other “friend” actually did this guy who wrote the email a favor, because now he knows that his chick belongs to the streets.
Hi Coach Corey,
I discovered your videos and book in August right after I went through a breakup. To make a long story short, my ex began starting fights with me over the summer…
That’s typically what women do to try to cause a breakup. They try to make things so unpleasant to be with them that you end up dumping them. And then when you don’t, they end up dumping you. But by the time that happens, usually their feelings are totally gone. Like the email that I did just recently, “Women Breakup With Men When Their Feelings Are Gone.” So, you can see, obviously, the influence of this male orbiter that she’s hanging out with is not being helpful. He’s filling her head full of all these ideas, because he’s trying to get her to break up with her boyfriend, which he was able to successfully do.
…and this concluded with her accusing me of cheating and she left me. Come to find out, she had a male “friend” she knew from high school who was hitting on her and giving her advice.
“But you say he’s just a friend”… a totally harmless “friend” from high school. We’ve had some spirited debates with the girls, especially Erica, about this topic, because she’s got several male “friends,” and she adamantly believed that, “Oh, they don’t want to just sleep with me. That’s not why they’re still friends with me.” I was like, “Uh-huh, pick up the phone and call one of these dudes. He’ll drop what he’s doing and haul ass to be with you if you tell him you’re ready to sleep with him.” She’s coming around to reality, slowly but surely. We’re getting her there.
She mentioned him to me during these fights and told me he was making sexual comments and asking her to hook up.
One of the things the late, great Doc Love used to say was that “women don’t lie and men don’t listen.” And so, when she says things like this, she’s basically telling you, “Hey, here’s your replacement,” rubbing it in, just letting you know. Full disclosure, but kind of like, “Oh, he’s just a friend. He’s a helpful friend, gives me good advice.”
She ended up going through my phone based on his advice and she found messages on TikTok when I was being sent videos. Her “friend” told her that is me talking to other girls.
Well, I don’t really know the context of these videos. He doesn’t really elaborate. The friend just goes, “See? Ah-ha! I told you, he’s cheating on you.”
During this time, I told her what he was trying to do, and she didn’t believe me.
The fact that she believes this “friend” over her boyfriend, not a good way to go. I would say, probably at that time her interest was low anyway, and so she was looking for a way out. She wasn’t happy. Because if she was head over heels in love with this guy, that wouldn’t happen. But, at the end of the day, it’s a good thing for the guy who wrote the email, because now he knows what he’s dealing with. And plus, he gets to see firsthand how a liar and a cheater and a girl who monkey branches operates.
After we broke up, he made his move on her and didn’t take no for an answer, if you know what I mean. That was in the first week of August.
So, in other words, he got to the promised land.
After the breakup, I went into no contact. I began watching your videos, and I have read you book 8 times since then.
After I cut her out of my life, she began to creep on my Facebook.
Typically, what you see in these situations where the ex is starting to come back is they’re watching your Instagram stories, they start liking your posts. They may even comment. And as I talk about in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” if they say something nice to you or about you on one of your posts, just like it. Don’t get in a conversation, just like it.
Because the reality is, if she’s really into you or wants a chance, she’s going to call or text you or DM you — however she normally messages you. Typically, the watching your stories and liking your posts is just kind of seeing how you’ll react — if you’re cool with it, if you get upset — because she doesn’t want to look like a fool if she comes back. She’s trying to reduce her risk of getting rejected.
I began to see a random account like and then unlike my post. I looked at the account and noticed it had been created a week prior. This account was looking at my story and would like and unlike my post over a dozen times a day.
Well, that’s kind of unusual.
This took place so much that the account showed up as number 1 on the people I may know. This took place for weeks until I finally blocked that account. Then she showed up on my Instagram with her real account doing the same thing.
Interesting. This is where it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. And so, you can imagine what this does, because he’s not talking to her and she’s created a fake account. He blocks the fake account, then she does it with Instagram. So, when she realizes what she’s doing, watching the posts and the stories and liking things, gets no response from him, she becomes a little bolder.
This time she began to send friend requests to my family members and comment on my posts.
So, she’s fishing for information, trying to see if it’s possible to come back.
I stayed in no contact until last week when she finally reached out.
The strongest negotiating position is being able to walk away and mean it. And so, in this case, she lined up a replacement and started hanging out with this replacement, who was interfering in their relationship and giving her bad advice because he was trying to sabotage it. He’s a dirtbag, a backstabbing scumbag who deserves our scorn. But it was helpful to this guy, because it revealed the character flaws in his girlfriend. It’s much better to learn this now than to go and get married or get in a relationship and then have her do this when you’re married and have kids and you live in a blue state. That’s a bad, bad, bad way to go.
She contacted a mutual friend and told her she missed me and wanted to talk to me.
So, what she’s doing here is just feeling it out to see if he’s open to talk to her, or whatever, because she doesn’t she’s trying to avoid getting rejected and looking like an idiot. I mean, she already looks like an idiot for what she did, but that’s on her.
She told the friend that she is now in a relationship, but he doesn’t listen to her.
Oh, that’s just too bad for her. “Well, you say he’s just a friend.”
At the advice of our mutual friend, she finally texted me. The text exchange was short, and I ultimately told her that I didn’t think it was right for her to be contacting me while she was in a relationship, and if things don’t work out with her current boyfriend and I’m still single, then maybe we can talk.
Perfect answer. Right out of “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.”
Well, she wasn’t happy about that and proceeded to tell our mutual friend that she was a bitch for suggesting she contact me and that I’m an asshole. That was this past Sunday.
She just sounds like a lovely human being. Such a lovely woman.
I spent my time during no contact going to the gym and I went on a few dates, but they didn’t really excite me.
This is why a lot of guys give up when they dump a girl they’re not that into and go back to her because “I couldn’t find anybody else.” People that you really connect with, man, they don’t come along very often. And I’ve been telling you guys this for years. You get 1 to 3 of those really deep, soulful connections per decade. That’s not a lot. I mean, when was the last time you met a new, really close friend? I mean, that’s something that almost never happens.
I really did and still do love my ex, however, I am at the point where I don’t feel the need to give her a second chance.
Nice job, dude, because she doesn’t. She belongs to streets. She’s a liar and a cheater. She did exactly what she accused you of, and she allowed this moron that she’s hanging out with to fill her head full of nonsense. But I would have to say, you’re reading the book. There is obviously some some behaviors or things you were doing, because she wasn’t as attracted to you because of what was going on. It sounds like she was kind of forming a Frankenstein boyfriend project, where when she wasn’t happy with you, she’s talking to the “friend.” So, obviously, you have some work there to clean up your game.
But everything in life happens for a reason. The way I look at it is what happened happened, and it couldn’t have happened any other way. It was supposed to be this way. Because if it hadn’t happened like this, you could have continued on, eventually got married, maybe had kids, and then she does this with your next door neighbor, or maybe this guy or somebody else. And that’s a much worse situation. That’s way more downside than where you’re at now. Here, it’s just, hey, she’s an ex. On to the next.
She hates to be alone.
That’s why women like this always have a guy and always have male orbiters. And if they’re not happy with their current guy, she’s in touch with the male orbiters. That’s just how these girls operate. They’re too insecure to be alone.
And she is trying to monkey branch back to me. I just want to let everyone know that no contact works and women do not like to be told no.
Thanks, Coach Corey.
Well, at the end of the day, she blew the relationship up and now she’s getting to experience, firsthand, her creation. She got into a relationship with a guy that’s a dirtbag, and she’s complaining that he doesn’t listen to her. Aww, poor baby. Well, you know what? She deserves it. She brought it upon herself. She made that bed, she gets to lie in it now.
So, to the guy that wrote the email, good job for turning your life around. Good job for reading the book. Again, you’ve got to read it 10 to 15 times, and you have to be patient, man. It might take you two, three, four years before you really meet somebody that you jive with. That’s why you want to get really good at this stuff, because if you don’t and you meet somebody that knocks your socks off and you’re not prepared, you’ll mess it up, and chase her away, and chase her out of your life. And that really stinks.
Those take a long time to get over, about a year, a year and a half. Because when you meet somebody that stirs your soul like that, you never forget it. It hardly ever happens. And when that slips through your fingers, that’s good fuel to motivate you to make changes that you know you need to make. And no contact works, but obviously in this case, based upon everything we know about this girl and how she operates, this is what she does when she’s not happy, she talks to other guys. And no dude wants to sleep with one eye open for the rest of his life, simple as that.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge, maybe you’ve got a situation that’s similar, because I know it’s hard when you’re in these situations and your emotions are getting the best to you, and then you’re listening to friends, family telling you what to do, it’s really hard. And I can be that light in the darkness to lead you back to the promised land, to help you make an informed and intelligent decision.
I was having a phone session with a guy last night that I’ve done a few phone sessions with. He’s been with his girlfriend about a year, and there’s just a lot of suspect behavior going on. You know, she’s basically behaving like a single girl, wanting to go out to nightclubs with the girls only, not wanting to take her boyfriend, just things like that. Going on trips with people that supposedly she’s known for a long time, and come to find out, when he asks her about these, the “friend” that she’s known for a long time, she can’t tell him anything about him. It’s like, “Well, that doesn’t sound right.”
And so, you’ve got to look at what people do, not what they say. And some women are naive. Just like when I was talking about Erica. She’s pretty naive when it comes to these things about the male orbiters, that they’re not there just because they want to be your friend and they’re okay with it. They’re hoping to get another chance. And so, women that entertain that, like this girl that always has these guys around, you’re constantly going to be wondering what she’s doing, what she’s up to.
Love cannot exist where there is no trust. And if you’ve got somebody, and you set and enforce healthy boundaries, if you’re in a relationship with a chick and you tell her it’s not appropriate to be doing these things, it’s not appropriate when you’re in a relationship to be giving out your phone number to other guys that are hitting on you and saying, “Oh, he’s just a friend. He’s just a nice guy from my from my work. We’re just friends. It’s just friendly. He’s married anyway,” it doesn’t matter. He’s trying to get in your pants.
And so, when you have women that do that, that give out their number, that invite attention from other guys, those are just girls to have fun with. Those are like sex playmates, maybe occasional friends with benefits. You definitely want to wear a raincoat, just because you ain’t the first one, and you certainly ain’t gonna to be the last one in that hallway. It’s like throwing a hot dog down the hallway!
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.