Needing Constant Reassurance & Attention Turns Women Off

Coach Corey Wayne
16 min readJun 7, 2024

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Photo by iStock/nd3000

Why needing constant reassurance & attention from women turns them off.

In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a needy insecure guy who needs constant reassurance and attention from his girlfriend that she likes him and cares or he gets butt-hurt and mad at her. He is really struggling with the fact women are like cats and takes it personally. He gets upset and worried every time she appears to back away and lose enthusiasm for him. He takes her mood swings as a rejection and signal that he needs to “fix” something.

His needy and neurotic behavior now has her asking for space and pushing him away because it’s disgusting and repulsive to her. He asks my opinion on why this is happening. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.

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This particular email is from a guy who’s needy, he’s insecure, he’s one of those guys that needs constant attention and reassurance from a woman of where he stands or that she still loves him, she still cares about him. Typically, the guys that react this way and think this way are guys that basically didn’t get enough strokes as a kid. They didn’t get enough hugs or “I love you’s,” from mom and dad, so they’re incredibly insecure, especially when it comes to a woman that they care about.

What’s really messing this guy up and screwing with his head is the fact that women are like cats. I detail this in my book, but he really has a hard time with it. Doesn’t seem like it really clicks with him yet. So he gets into fights and arguments with his girlfriend over her attitude or her lack of interest, her lack of enthusiasm. Then he tries to fix things. He’s like, “What’s wrong?” When she backs away because she just spends too much time with him. He takes it as a personal rejection, and then he goes into “I gotta fix it,” type of mode, which just makes things even worse after the fact. So he’s like, “I don’t understand why this is happening.”

It’s a good email, because this is something that most guys tend to struggle with. So what he’s doing is he’s getting upset, he’s getting butt-hurt and mad at her behavior because he takes it as a rejection. She doesn’t spend enough time with him, doesn’t pay enough attention to him, that kind of thing. It just exhausts her to the point where it’s like, no matter what she does, he’s getting upset. And so now she pushes him away. She wants a little space and she doesn’t want any expectations and he’s just having a hard time with it because again, he is needy, he needs constant reassurance that he’s a good boy, that she cares because he didn’t get enough of that from mom and dad.

This is understandable. I had the same problem as well when I was younger. As men, this is something you have to learn to understand the ebb and flow of dating and relationships and not get butt-hurt, not take it personally when a woman wants to do things other than hang out with you. That should be something that’s actually exciting to you.

Photo by iStock/bluecinema

Viewer’s Email:

Hi Coach Corey Wayne,

I met a girl a little over seven months ago online. She is a free spirit and loves to go and do things.

So you could tell she loves to go and do things without him and he gets upset about that.

We’ve hit it off great. We go on vacations together, we’ve met each other‘s kids and I hang out with her and the kids. Meeting the kids was a big deal to her. We’ve had a few spats here and there about spending time together and some other things.

The spats are basically he gets mad and upset at her because she’s unavailable, or she wants to do things and doesn’t want to include him, or is just too busy to see him, and he takes it as there’s something wrong and he’s got to fix it.

Yes, I was the one wanting more time but I haven’t said anything about that in a while.

So what that communicates is you’re way more into her than she is into you. The reality is, women like you more if they think that they’re more into you than you are into them. So in essence, what you’re doing is you’re acting like a girl and that ruins a sexual polarity, and it causes her to lose respect and attraction for you. This is not acceptable behavior for a man to display around a woman, because you’re acting like a needy, little insecure boy and coming off as neurotic as well.

I know you have to let them come and go like a cat. She’s does probably 95% of the calling and texting. Our biggest problem…

Which is really his problem, because he’s the one that has an issue with it, because if you’re doing everything right that’s in 3% Man, your girl is going to be all over your ass. You’re going to be seeing her pretty much every day. She’s going to be stuck to you like a sucker fish and be wanting more sex than you do. If the opposite is true, it’s because you care more about her than she does about you, and she knows that and she feels that. Especially when you’re getting butt-hurt and upset. Even if you haven’t mentioned it in a while, she could tell you’re perturbed, your butt-hurt and you take it as a rejection. Women are only going to put up with that for so long, that needy, insecure act.

Women want you to be more masculine than they are. When you’re constantly getting upset that she doesn’t spend enough time with you, that makes you look needy, insecure and undesirable, and you take it as a personal rejection and as if you’re not worthy of being around her and eventually the woman agrees with that.

…Is when something comes up we need to talk about, she says, “Let’s talk about another time,” and then we never do.

So she might be a little bit of a stonewaller and doesn’t want to communicate and work things out. Probably if it’s always the same issue, which is what he just alluded to, it’s always the same issue. She’s not giving him enough time and attention. So he’s constantly seeking her attention and validation, which is feminine. That’s what a girl does. I mean, he might as well start painting his nails, grow his hair out, put makeup on and start wearing a dress if he wants to behave this way. This is not how men are supposed to act.

So she does 95% of the calling and texting, it’s like that’s fine, but if every time you’re around her you’re acting needy and neurotic, it’s still going to turn her off, despite the fact she’s doing 95% of the reaching out.

Photo by iStock/Vuk Saric

I also feel like her friends come way before me though she says they don’t and I am very important to her.

Again, if she goes off and does something without him, he takes it as, “She doesn’t like me. She doesn’t care about me.” As a man, you should be glad that she has a life and has friends outside of you, versus having to deal with a woman who’s nagging and complaining when you hang out with your friends and your family, or you do things without her. Again, you’re acting like a needy, insecure, neurotic woman. This is not attractive.

I really messed up a couple days ago. Last week she was out of town and we FaceTimed about every night.

Probably him reaching out to her.

This week on Monday and Tuesday we hardly spoke much.

That really bothered him. This is how they act like a cat. You spend a lot of time, you FaceTime a lot, she’s just going to get bored and not really want to talk to you that much. You don’t take that as personal. It’s just about as productive as getting upset at the weather when it doesn’t behave like you want it to. It is what it is.

If she doesn’t really want to see you, you want to match and mirror the level of effort and enthusiasm. If she loses some enthusiasm, mirror that lack of enthusiasm to her and go be busy. Go see your mom, go hang out with your friends, go hang out with your family, go to the gym, go do some sports, go do some hobbies, go travel yourself. It seems like this woman is the total center of your life, and you can’t do anything without checking in with her. She doesn’t want to be your fucking mommy, dude.

I felt the change but I know she had a lot going on. I text her Tuesday night…

I would say that 95% ratio of her reaching out first, I’d say it’s probably bullshit. He’s probably doing a lot more. He just doesn’t want to admit it.

…And made a comment about the difference last week to this week…

So now he’s complaining, “Oh, you’re not making as much of an effort.” It’s just the way she feels. It’s like being pissed off that the cat doesn’t want to come over and sit in your lap and let you pet it. Who fucking cares? Cats do what they want, when they want, with who they want, and getting mad and complaining just makes you look weak, pathetic and unattractive, and it’s going to turn or it’ll turn all women off.

…And she read as sarcastic but I didn’t mean it that way. She ignored the text.

Yeah, because basically you’ve done this enough times and you’re basically going, “Mommy won’t spend any time with me. She won’t give me any attaboys. She doesn’t love me no more.

The next day, I still haven’t heard back and she has never not responded.

So now he gets upset and mad. “I gotta fix this.” Instead of just letting her be and seeing the fact that he hit the ball over the net and she never replied, he cannot stand the tension of not hearing from her. He’s like, “I gotta fix it. I gotta get back to the way it was.” You’re trying to force a woman to feel the way you want her to feel. It’s like you’re trying to impose your will on the weather. It’s impossible. It’s not going to work. It’s going to blow up in your face. It has been blowing up in your face, and you’re not getting the message.

I called her to see if everything is OK and she said yes.

“Is everything okay, mommy? Am I still a good boy? Do you still like me?” I mean, think about how pathetic that looks and sounds.

Photo by iStock/LightFieldStudios

She said she got my text and ignored it cause she thought it was sarcastic and didn’t want to get into a text war.

Because this is obviously not the first time this has happened, and she knew where he was coming from, which is a place of neediness, acting neurotic and acting like a little boy that needs mommy to pat him on the head and tell him he’s a good little boy.

I told her she could have just text back talk to you tomorrow about it and good night.

Again, he’s like, “You won’t pay attention to me. Mommy doesn’t care.”

She agreed and said she wouldn’t ignore my text anymore. She thought everything was good till she got that text.

You created a problem when there was none. Again, it’s like you’re getting upset with the weather. You’re getting upset that your girl is moody. Feminine energy is chaos. This is the way they are. Sometimes they’re really hot and heavy to see, and other times they’re not. It has nothing to do with you. It’s just their emotions, the way they feel inside. You’re getting all butt-hurt, upset and offended at her emotions. It’s fucking ridiculous and absurd. Dude, this is not how men are supposed to act.

We also had a conversation about the past things that happened that was bothering me. I know, big mistake. We also talked about spending time together.

In other words, he complained about not spending enough time with her. This is not going to make a woman want to spend more time with you. It’s going to make her pussy drier than the Sahara desert because you’re acting like a bitch. This is not how men act, dude. I know I’m being harsh, but you need to fucking hear it, because if you don’t stop this, she’s going to reject you, and the next girl is going to reject you for exactly the same reasons.

I said, “I feel you are OK seeing me one weekend and not seeing me for a week,” and she said yeah that she was OK with that.

That’s how a woman is. The fact that you’re getting upset about it and mad makes the time between you seeing her become even further out, because again, you’re not acting masculine, you’re acting insecure and you’re acting the opposite of a confident man. You’re literally acting like the woman in the relationship here, and it’s disgusting and repulsive to all women.

She said she was very comfortable with our relationship and knew we would talk and see each other.

She’s calm and stoic because masculinity is calm, and you’re the neurotic one that’s full of emotions and chaos and freaking out.

She said she likes the anticipation.

In other words, she likes waiting to see each other, because what’s happening is you keep opening up the oven. “Is it done? Is she ready to see me yet? Oh my God, I need attaboys from mommy,” and you’re dissipating all the sexual anticipation when you act this way.

It’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear. So when you’re constantly in her face complaining that she doesn’t pay enough attention to you, that’s the opposite of being unclear. It’s disgusting, repulsive and totally not masculine at all. It’s like you basically are acting like the woman and she’s acting like a stoic man. You keep doing that, you’re ruining the sexual polarity. You’re going to literally chase and push her right out of your life.

I told her that I was surprised that she didn’t want to see me more but OK.

Photo by iStock/Deepak Sethi

Again, it’s there’s a chapter right in the book, “Women Are Like Cats, Men Are Like Dogs.” This is this is how it looks like. This is how it manifests itself, and you’re getting upset and mad and you’re trying to change your behavior by bitching about it. It’s like you’re fucking nagging her about it. Jesus Christ, dude!

She said she feels like she is going to keep disappointing me.

Yeah, because it never stops. He’s always getting upset about the same thing. She’s not your emotional support human. She’s not your mommy. She’s supposed to be your teammate and your lover, and you’re making her deal with all of your trauma and your baggage from childhood. You cannot turn your girlfriend into your emotional support human. It’s the quickest way to dry your pussy up and get friend-zoned and dumped.

She said she could put all her effort into this and that would make her exhausted.

Yeah, you’re making her exhausted because every time she talks to you, instead of being something to look forward to and someone that’s bringing joy, fun and happiness into her life, you’re always bitching that she doesn’t pay enough attention to you like a little insecure boy that needs mommy to give him some hugs and “I love you’s” to reassure him that he’s a good little boy.

She basically laid it out what needs to be done for her in a relationship. She’s helping me. She said she would work on bringing up our problems we put on hold. she asked me if I need time or want a date to just ask and she would make time. I left the conversation feeling good about us. the next day she text me this, “After yesterday’s conversation, I’m feeling conflicted and maybe you are too. I need some time to sort out my thoughts without expectations. You asked for a date night soon, right now I need some space. Are you free Sunday to meet up? I’m having a BBQ with the kids and and my daughter’s boyfriend and dad.”

So all she’s just saying is, “Slow your fucking roll, dude. You’re fucking smothering me.”

What happened was she felt how she felt after your last conversation, and it made her disgusted and sick to her stomach. She wanted space, because every time you’re around her, you’re complaining and you’re bitching, “You don’t pay enough attention. I want my mommy. Mommy, pay attention to me. Mommy, mommy!” That’s annoying. That’s what you sound like to her. That’s the way you make her feel. This is not how a man is supposed to act. You’ve gotten to the point where you smother her and she’s just like, “I need some time away, dude. Give me a break. Serenity now. I need some serenity.”

I will give her the space and not contact her till Sunday. Last weekend she was telling me I was stuck with her. How did it get here, cause that caught me off guard when I thought things were good?

You did it. You made her feel this way. You’ve been constantly communicating that you’re unworthy and you don’t feel good enough to be with her and that you don’t think she’s going to love you. That is the opposite of confidence. What’s the number one strength characteristic that women love in men? It’s confidence. Every time you communicate with her, you’re communicating that you got no confidence and you got balls the size of bees. This is not attractive. It’s not going to make her want to be around you. This is going to make her flee from you. This is the kind of behavior that makes a woman not feel safe.

Not sure the conflict she is having and not sure what “no expectation” means.

Thank you for your help,

Bob

Photo by iStock/ProfessionalStudioImages

What she means by no expectation is to stop fucking trying to control everything. In other words, you expect her to behave a certain way. You have these unreasonable expectations that you’re projecting onto her, which really are just your feelings of inadequacy, insecurity and probably childhood trauma. Maybe a therapist could help you out with that, but you’re making her deal with your neediness and your neuroticism in a way that she feels smothered, and you’ve got these ridiculous expectations. When she doesn’t match them, you blow your top at her and you get upset. You’re like a fucking jack-in-the-box. “Pay attention to me, mommy! Hug me, love me, I need you.”

Women don’t want that, bro. Let her be. You got a date for Sunday. Don’t call. Don’t text. Stop pressuring her about this. Don’t ever fucking bring this up again because it’s fucking disgusting. It’s unbecoming of a man. This is just the way they are. They’re like cats. They come, they go, they come, they go. Just let them be. She’ll come back when she’s ready.

Get some hobbies, go hang out with your mom, go hang out with your friends, get a fucking life, dude, go to the gym, do something productive with your life. Join a social club, join a country club, join a yacht club, join some kind of club where you can go and meet other like-minded people and have things going on in your life outside of this girl because you’re going to chase and turn her off right out of your life to the point where she has no respect and no attraction for you and is going to. When a woman is saying, “I need space,” it’s like you’re getting in the danger zone where she’s just going to want to take take a break from you, maybe even break up with you.

You got to knock it off. It’s not helping you. It’s just making things worse. Do whatever you need to do to deal with your neediness and your neuroticism, your childhood trauma, whatever it happens to be, and stop making her your mommy and your therapist because it’s fucking disgusting. There’s enough men in the Western world who behave this way, and it’s repulsive. It’s repulsive to us guys, and it’s definitely repulsive to women because they’re not going to want to be with you.

You got to check yourself before you wreck yourself. As the late, great Jim Rohn used to say, “I’ll take care of me for you, and you take care of you for me,” and you’re not taking care of you for her. So you need to start doing that.

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Coach Corey Wayne

Life & Peak Performance Coach. I Teach Self-Reliance. Subscribe To My Newsletter To Read My eBooks “3% Man” & “Mastering Yourself” Free: http://bit.ly/CCWeBooks