My Needs Aren’t Being Met. I’m Giving More Than I’m Receiving.
What to do if your woman is not meeting your needs in the bedroom and she’s not making much of an effort.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss 2 different emails from 2 different viewers. The 1st email is from a viewer who claims to have read 3% Man 10 times. Now, after things went sideways, he’s reading it again. His girlfriend is not putting out. He complains about it and nothing changes. He says he’s opening her up, but the bottom line is her actions communicate otherwise.
The 2nd email is from a guy who got involved with a woman he met in Thailand, which they’re now long-distance. However, he’s obviously doing most if not all of the pursuing, and she is making little effort in return. Both men feel like they are giving more than they are receiving and are contemplating moving on. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.
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Both these guys have similar issues here. It’s just, the women that they’re with are not making the same kind of effort. And both of them seem to be using logic and reason to try to reason with these women, to get them interested and to do the things that they want them to do that they’re not.
So, with that said, let’s go through the first guy’s email, because this is a complaint that a lot of guys in long-term relationships have, is that they’re the ones that are interested in sex more than the women. And for guys that actually apply what’s in the book properly, you typically have the opposite problem, which is your girl is way more interested in sex than you are. And that’s a good thing. It’s a good place to be from a position of leverage, because most guys have the opposite experience.
When a woman feels open to you, she’s in love with you, she feels heard and understood, you’re dating and courting her properly, she’s going to be stuck to you like a sucker fish. And if she’s repulsed by you, it’s obvious she’s lost attraction, and something needs to be done to either stop displaying the unattractive sides of yourself that are turning her off or start doing more of the things that turn her on.
And us guys tend to be egocentric, so it’s really hard for guys to admit what they’re doing wrong. I see this a lot in the emails. I usually break guys balls about the fact that they’re kind of BSing themselves and they’re trying to BS me. But if I know what the woman is saying and doing, because they all say the same things — it’s amazing to me, it doesn’t matter where they are in the world or what cultural or religious background — women respond the same exact way.
First Viewer’s Email:
First of all, thank you for everything I have learned from you.
I have read your book about 10 times. (I lost count in the past few years.) I have put it aside for a while, but since I am with my current girlfriend, I have picked it up again and have read it about 7 times since.
I am struggling with this: our relationship is not what it used to be. We used to have sex a few times a week.
Well, statistically, relationships that stand the test of time — in other words, they’ve been together 10, 15, 20 years or more — they’re typically having sex at least 2 to 3 times a week. And when it’s less than that, the relationships don’t work out. You’ve got to have intimacy. You’ve got to care for your woman, and you’ve got to give her attention. When a woman’s in love with you, she wants your attention all the fucking time, like a sucker fish. And guys that apply what’s in my book know that sometimes it can be tiring. Because they always want your attention, and when they don’t get enough of it, they tend to get cranky. I know mine does.
Now, we mostly have it once, if at all.
That’s not ideal.
I have expressed this to her, but things don’t change. My girlfriend has been sexually abused in the past, and I can understand that it is a sensitive subject for her, but even though I am really careful with her, she doesn’t seem to be that into it anymore.
Well, you’ve got to remember how she was in the beginning. Women will say things like this to a guy, and he’ll go, “Oh, okay. Well, it wasn’t an issue in the past, when we were having sex three times a day. But after we’ve been together five years, now the trauma that happened before, that is an issue, and that’s why she doesn’t want to have sex.” No, it’s because she’s lost attraction. That’s why, whatever you’ve done, you’ve made her pussy drier than a bucket of sand. She doesn’t feel safe and comfortable, she doesn’t feel heard and understood, and she just doesn’t feel like you actually sincerely care about her.
One of the things that guys should always be doing that are in long-term relationships is, when you get home from work slaying the dragon is, the first thing out of your mouth should be like, “Hey babe, how was your day?” Just get her to talk. Get her to open up. That shows you that you care. And intently listen to her. Don’t try to solve her problems unless, of course, she wants your advice. Just listen. “What else? Tell me more. Oh, really?” Just get her to talk.
There was an Instagram reel that we did with Katie when she was here, my English girlfriend from the book that you guys are familiar with, and she talked about that — about how a woman just wants a guy to ask her what’s going on, how she’s feeling, and to show that he cares for her. And it does wonders. And so, she shares an example back from almost 20 years ago when we were together and dating. She was in a grumpy, cranky mood.
And it’s kind of funny; all of the red pill guys are bitching and complaining about having to talk to her, “Oh, you’re not going to be her therapist.” It’s like, if you’re in a relationship, what you’ve got to realize is women say about 8,000 words a day. Guys say about 2,000 words. Women just talk more. If you’re not facilitating that talking, she’s not going to feel open, and safe, and comfortable with you, and that’s going to create intimacy problems.
It’s easy for the red pill dunces in the red pill community that typically don’t have relationships to have the attitude, “Oh, just pump and dump! I don’t want to listen to her.” If you’re going to be in a relationship with a girl, you’re going to have to listen to her. And if you don’t like listening to women, because they talk about anything and everything, and often a bunch of mundane nonsense you don’t really want to listen to, your relationship is not going to last very long. It’s not going to be very good, and she’s not going to like you and respect you very much. That’s a big reason why a lot of these red pill guys are so bitter and so angry.
And so, you can see if you go to my Instagram @CoachCoreyWayne and look at some of the recent videos with Katie, especially the shorts. Just read the comments. The women are like, “This is great.” Some of the guys that understand are like, “I totally get it. This works wonders with my girlfriend when she’s cranky.” And then the red pill guys are bitching and complaining about it.
You can tell who’s having relationships, and who’s not, and who’s just dating and it never really goes beyond that, which tends to be a problem in that community. I’m sure there will be a bunch of red pill dunces that will be bitching and complaining and telling me I don’t understand Red Pill and all this other stuff like they normally do, because they’ve got to defend their cult and their cult leaders.
She tells me she loves me a lot of times, and she is pursuing me.
Well, at this point in the relationship, she should be doing 95%. And if you can get away with it, 100% or 99% of the pursuing. It’s always better if a woman thinks that she likes you more than you like her. It’s just a fact of life.
She texts me almost every day, telling me she loves me and sending me things that are happening throughout the day. I work a lot, so I don’t have time to text back, but when we are together in person, I take the time to open her up and listen to her every day.
For the past few weeks, she isn’t kissing me on the lips often anymore.
Well, that’s because she’s lost attraction for you. And you can claim in your email that you’re opening her up every day and everything’s great, but if she won’t kiss you on the lips, she doesn’t feel heard and understood. Something’s going on there. Women don’t just go, “Oh, I’m not going to kiss you.” She’s not kissing you because she’s turned off. That’s a fact. No matter how you try to deny it or tell me that you’re doing everything great, if everything was great, and you were following the textbook, and you’re with a normal, healthy woman, these things would not be happening.
And it feels like she is kind of evading it. She kisses me on my face and the rest of my body a lot, but not on the lips, and as I said, the sex is not what it used to be.
Well, if she’s doing that, I’d be like, “Why are you kissing me everywhere but the lips? What’s going on? Do I have bad breath or something? It’s like you’ve been kind of distant cold lately. What’s going on?” Then is she’s like, “Oh, nothing. Everything’s fine,” you’re like, “Don’t tell me everything’s fine. You’re distant, you’re cold, you’re not affectionate like you used to be. You’ve got to be honest with me. You can’t just sit here and be a mute and tell me everything’s great. I can see it in your body language and your physiology.” And this is what Katie and I were talking about in the video. Because women often will say, “I don’t want to talk about it” or “everything’s fine. If you hear, “everything’s fine,” it’s not fine.
The reason why women do this is because they’ve gotten to the point where they just don’t feel like you care and they don’t believe you. Therefore, why bother telling you? You’re not going to listen anyway, and nothing’s going to change. In essence, they’ve kind of given up, and so they’re saying “everything’s fine” or “nothing is wrong” when you ask them, basically saying, “If he really cared, he’s just not going to let me get away with that. He’s not going to let me get away with telling him everything’s fine. He’s not going to let me get away with just saying nothing’s wrong, when it’s all over my face, and in my body language, and my physiology.”
And a man who cares is going to want to get to the bottom of it. A man who doesn’t is just going to be like, “Okay.” He’s going to take that explanation and roll on. That’s one of the things that the red pill guys get so pissed off about.
But at the end of the day, there has been a lack of intimacy. She doesn’t feel safe and comfortable. She doesn’t feel like you care. And so, women do this oftentimes just to test to see, “If he really cares, he’s going to dig. He’s not going to let me get away with bullshitting him.” Because she knows and you know that she’s bullshitting you with her “I don’t want to talk about it” answer. And as a man, that’s part of setting and enforcing healthy boundaries and holding women accountable in a loving, playful way.
When she says, “I don’t want to talk about it,” she just doesn’t believe that you care enough to do it. And she’s hoping, deep down, that you do call her out on it and do hold her feet to the fire. And so, when she says everything’s great, and yet she’s kissing you on the cheek and everywhere else but your lips, it’s not fine. “I don’t want to talk about it” is not going to work. It’s like, “I can see it in your body language. I can see it in your physiology. You’re like a cold fish. You tell me that you love me all the time, but when I come home, you kiss me on the cheek and not on the lips. Something is up. Something is bothering you. And so you have to tell me what it is. We’ll stay in here all night if I have to.”
Like one of the things I said to Katie was like, “I’ll stay in there for 3 or 4 hours until we get to the bottom of it. It’s like, something is bothering you, and don’t tell me that everything is fine.” This is what men do. Beta males, like a lot of the red pill dudes, they think, “Oh, this is ridiculous. You’re not her therapist.” It’s like, your sex and intimacy is going to end if you don’t communicate with your woman and make her feel heard and understood. That’s a fact of life. You can bitch about it, and you can complain about “women’s true nature” and all this other nonsense, but the reality is, if your girl doesn’t feel heard and understood, the legs are going to close. That’s a fact. If you can’t deal with it, don’t date women.
Today we had sex, and afterwards, it felt like she closed down from me. I tried to talk to her about what happened, but she doesn’t say a lot. I told her that we had a conversation about this, but that nothing has really changed since. She doesn’t really respond to this, but instead she tells me that she is afraid that she is not enough for me, and that she needs more comfort when she closes down from me like that after sex.
You’ve got to say, “What do you mean? What do you mean you ‘need more comfort’? What specifically, explicitly am I not doing that you feel you need from me?” You have to get to the bottom of this. You have to ask her what’s going on. And what it tells me here is she’s kind of dismissive of your attempts to solve it, and you’re buying her explanation, instead of holding her feet to the fire. It’s not about being a dick, but, you know something is off here. And a man who cares is not going to accept”it’s fine.” He’s not going to accept “I don’t want to talk about it.” That’s just not going to work.
You can’t resolve anything unless you can talk openly and honestly about it. That’s why people on the left have such a problem with being open and honest in things. It’s like, they only want to hear their side of the conversation. I think it was Anderson Cooper, just after the Trump town hall, the CNN viewers were freaking out, “How dare you let him come speak?” It’s like, you can’t be in an echo chamber. You’ve got to listen to the other side, even if you don’t like him. Try to understand where they’re coming from. Try to walk in their shoes, try to look through their eyes and get where they’re coming from.
I don’t feel fulfilled in this relationship anymore and she knows this, but she doesn’t do things to fulfill it, although she knows what it is that I want. I love her, I talk to her, we communicate, but a lot of times when I express my needs, it feels like they are evaded by her, and instead she makes excuses and expresses her needs to me, which I listen to and comfort her with what she needs.
Yeah, but are you taking any action? Are you providing her what she says she needs that you’re lacking? Or are you just dismissing it? A lot of guys go, “Oh, I didn’t think she was serious. I didn’t think she meant it. I thought she was just complaining.” You have to get to the bottom of it. What she’s doing is bullshitting you, because deep down she doesn’t think you care anyway. And you’re kind of acquiescing to it, you’re failing the test, and you’re going along with it. Like I said, go to my Instagram @CoachCoreyWayne and watch the short with Katie. She’s the really pretty blonde girl with the funny accent.
I want to make this relationship good and like it was, and everything is good except for the sex and I am missing it, and it makes me want to quit the relationship if it doesn’t change. What do I need to do? Is this because her abuse in the past, or am I not caring for her enough? I would appreciate your response, and I love what you are doing for the world.
Well, that attitude is not going to fix it. You’ve got to make her feel heard and understood, and you’re not doing that. You’re not holding her feet to the fire. Something’s off, and she needs to tell you explicitly what that is. You can’t get butt-hurt, you can’t get angry with her. You’ve got to take it as constructive criticism and feedback, bite your tongue and bite your lip, put a tack in your shoe, whatever you’ve got to do when you want to respond and argue. Because when you argue with a woman and, in essence, try to tell her you’re doing everything and everything is fine, all you’re communicating to her is, “Yeah, nothing’s going to change. I’m not going to do anything. This is why it’s going to stay the same.”
When a woman bitches that you don’t spend enough time with her, or you don’t show her enough attention, or you never take her anywhere, or you never take her out to dinner, or whatever, “When was the last time you took me out to dinner? When was the last time you took me out on a date?” what most guys do is say, “I took you out three weeks ago.” When you hear that, you’ve got to hear, “take me out and date me.” That’s it. Instead of getting butt-hurt and trying to rationalize what you did a few weeks ago, or four nights ago, all she’s really complaining about is, “Hey, I don’t feel like you care enough to take me out on a date. Show me that you care. Do something that shows you care.” That’s it. Just say, “Alright.” Boom! Make a date and handle it, instead of trying to argue with her. That’s what you need to do, dude.
This is a simple problem to solve. And if we were doing a phone session, I could get to the bottom line with what’s really going on here. But you guys have got to ask better questions, and you can’t just be willing to walk away. You don’t walk away until this is resolved. Because what happens, after you really communicate and she’s like, “Ah, I feel so much better. I’m so glad we talked,” then you’re going to have great makeup sex. But bitching and complaining about her not putting out, you’ve got to get to the bottom of what the issue is, and you’re not doing that. Even though you like to claim you do it, you’re not. I can tell from your actions. So, you’re bullshitting yourself, dude. You’ve got to do better. And if you don’t know what to do, you still don’t know what to do. I’d suggest booking a coaching session with me.
Second Viewer’s Email:
Hi Coach Corey Wayne,
I have been following you on and off for a few years now. Many years ago, I was in a one-way relationship, meaning I was giving and not receiving,
You’ve got to understand that like attracts like. This is your wound, if you will. This is your shortcoming, and the universe is going to continue to send you women that are, in essence, there to help you overcome and transcend that. So, in other words, you’re going to be predisposed to be attracted to, be in relationship with, and continue to operate and be in a place where you’re giving and you’re not receiving. That tells me you’re pursuing too much, typically.
And if you’re complaining about what you’re not getting in return, you’re not going to get anything, you’ll get worse. Because, again, a woman’s got to feel heard and understood, and you’ve got a date and court her.
So, a friend of mine suggested I watch a few of your videos. After doing so, I got my balls back! LOL. Thank you for that! I have not been in a relationship for over 3 years, but after a recent trip to Thailand in March 2023, I met someone, fell in love…
In other words, “I got all dopey and projected my irrational Disney fantasy onto her, and didn’t have enough time to properly vet her, and just assumed that everything was great and hunky dory, like the movies.” Plus, he hadn’t read the book, so he didn’t know what to look for. He’s flying blind. It’s like throwing darts in a blizzard, trying to figure out women, if you don’t know the book.
…and did the stupid thing of committing myself to her and publicly putting it on Facebook.
Yeah, something like that, you’re only going to begrudgingly do it after many months and maybe after she complains about it a few times that you haven’t put it on Facebook.
To my surprise and confusion, she didn’t like or love my post as I would expect.
Yeah, because you’re way more into her than she is into you. It should be the opposite. But, again, he hasn’t read and doesn’t know the book. There are some updates at the end, here. He just got the book. I think he’s on page 150 now.
She tells me she loves and misses me in a private chat using LINE, but never posts anything on Facebook. I uploaded a few pictures and video from my trip and time I spent with her, including pictures and videos of her, but she never liked, loved, or commented on them. We chat using LINE, but do not talk much on it. I try to video chat with her, but she seems reluctant to do so.
It’s because she’s not into it. Stop trying to get somebody else’s attention. You know, the quickest way to get somebody else’s attention is to remove yours. You’ve got to match and mirror those actions. And a woman should be doing most of the pursuing. As it talks about in the book, 20 -30% max should be done by the guy. But, more than likely, this dude’s doing all of it because, again, he hasn’t read the book and he doesn’t know any better. So, he’s literally overpursuing her and chasing her out of his life.
But the other thing to keep in mind, she’s in Thailand. He was in la-la land, and he got carried away in his emotions, wasn’t really paying attention to reality. There’s no way this guy vetted this girl properly.
This past Sunday, I contacted her as I usually do in the morning, (14 hours ahead there).
Yeah, I wouldn’t be doing ‘good morning’ and ‘good evening’ texts every night either. That gets boring, dull and predictable. Women like mystery.
She replied saying she was not feeling well. I told her I was going to my parents’ today and would like to see her, as I had not seen her in a few days.
“Mommy, please pay attention to me.” That’s your vibe that you’re giving off. “Mommy, do you still like me? Do you still care about me? Am I still your number one? Oh, Mommy, Pat me on the head, please. Please pay attention to me.” There’s nothing masculine about this vibe.
She sent me a few audio recordings saying she was out getting food and going to 7/11, then to sleep. In the background of the recordings, I could hear other people talking, and it sounded like she was on the BTS elevated train in Bangkok, (9:46 pm Sunday night for her). This just further made me feel more distant from her, as I have been giving so much since I left Thailand in March, giving my time, my attention and money to help her.
Yeah, you’ve got to pay attention if you’re making all of this effort and nothing’s hardly coming back. If you’re sending paragraphs and texts, on your WhatsApp or whatever messaging app you might be using, and you get a one-liner back from her, you should pay attention to that. If she’s taking hours to respond to you, you should take hours to respond. If she’s sending you a one-line sentence back then, if that’s the end of the conversation thread, I wouldn’t keep trying to keep her engaged in conversation.
Scarcity creates value. Too much of anything causes other people to take it for granted. And your time is being taken for granted, because you’re wasting it, you’re allowing her to waste it, and you’re not noticing that she’s wasting it and not valuing it. Bitching and complaining is not going to fix that. You just withdraw your attention, so you can match and mirror her level of effort.
But she goes out during the week and only on Friday’s that I know of. She is missing for several hours when she goes out, and only at my request will she tell me what she is doing or maybe send me an audio recording.
So, he’s just sitting there, probably freaking out over his computer, trying to find out where his girlfriend’s at, what she’s doing, who she’s with, because again, he didn’t vet her properly, she’s in another country, and he committed to a girl he should have never committed to.
Last Friday night she went out, and I gave her some space. After 4 hours, and when it was 12:20 pm here in California, 2:20 am in Thailand, I messaged her saying, “Its late, how are you?”
“Mommy, please pay attention to me. Do you still like me? Oh, my God. I don’t know what to do. Oh, I don’t think you like me as much anymore.” This is terrible. This is an awful way to go, dude. This is not how a man acts.
After about 15 minutes, she said she was looking for a taxi. She claims she got home around 3:00 am and was alone.
Sounds like you’re kind of in a relationship with a party girl.
The only problem now is that I am right back in a similar situation like a few years ago, where I feel I’m giving more than receiving.
It’s like, you’ve got to back off, dude. Read the book. I know he’s reading the book, but we haven’t got to that part in his email. I know, this is a long one.
Since Sunday morning, I have been pulling back. I have kept my messages short, no more ‘I love you’ or ‘I miss you.’ Monday morning, I woke up after a sleepless night thinking that I made a mistake getting involved with this person. I messaged her a short message…
He just can’t help himself. “I can message her again. I sent her a message trying to figure out where I stand, constantly, like a nerdy, neurotic, insecure, needy jackass.”
…just stating I am leaving for work and wish her a good day.
What a waste. This is so pointless to be sending this. This is going to do nothing to make her feel attraction for you. It’s always better if she thinks she likes you more than you like her. And this girl totally knows that you’re dopey and in la-la land, and she can do whatever she wants. This is the kind of shit that causes her to lose respect for you, especially when you’re getting butt-hurt and texting her at 3:00 in the morning, demanding to know where she’s at. It’s like, come on dude.
She did reply, but mirrored what I sent. Monday night when I got home, I waited until 7:00 pm PST, 9:00 am Bangkok, for her to message me but she never did.
“Oh, no. I can’t handle her not messaging. I’ve got to send another message to find out where I stand.”
I sent her a message stating, “I am home after a long day, ate some food, sleep now and will go to bed. Have a good day.” Within less than 5 minutes, she texted me saying she just woke up. I did not respond to her. It just sounds so fishy to me, Corey. This morning, Tuesday, I did not send her any messages. A little bit ago, it’s 9:54 am PST now, she sent me 5 quick messages. I have not opened LINE, but I could see it was her.
Good. Now you’re starting to finally back off. That’s what you need to do, dude.
I know what I need in a relationship and have been unhappy in this one.
It’s not really a relationship, dude. You weren’t with her enough to really get to know this girl. And you’re naive and gullible for committing to it when you barely know her. And then you ignore the fact that she doesn’t like your posts on Facebook. It’s obvious she’s still behaving as if she’s single and a free agent. And you behaving like a neurotic, needy, insecure jackass is just going to drive her away and drive her into somebody else’s arms, if she’s not there already anyway.
I gave so much of my time, money, etc. for 6 weeks since I left Thailand.
I hope you’re not supporting this girl and sending her money, dude. That would be really stupid.
But she has not met me halfway.
So, if you’re sending this girl money, you need to cut that shit out immediately. That’s just stupid. Only a dunce does that.
I can only do so much before feeling like she is pulling me down, versus lifting me up.
Well, you’re doing it all to yourself, because you’re the one that has no emotional self control.
I believe a healthy relationship requires both parties to give and take and compromise.
And you can’t complain about it and use logic and reason to get her to do that. She has to do it because she feels it. And that’s why you’ve got to apply what’s in the book.
I have never been in a long-distance relationship like one, and because I like to go to Thailand, will probably end up in a few more.
Just date and have fun, dude. And why date women in Thailand? This guy’s in California, I think. It’s like, why not date somebody here in the States that’s closer to you.
So that I do not end up in the same situation again, and again, what do you suggest I should do? I am likely to meet someone else during my next trip in August, or maybe I will run into her again too. My thought if I did run into her would be to keep it very simple. Maybe have a drink, but no trips or hanging out together like before.
Your job is just simply to create an opportunity for sex to happen, to hang out, to have fun, to hook up.
I would rather meet someone else at this point anyway. But to avoid the same mistake, do you have any suggestions on what I can do to avoid making this mistake over and over again? I would be interested in setting up a session with you too.
To update from my previous email. Your 3% Man book arrived yesterday. I’m on page 37 already! LOL. I’m connecting the dots already. I appreciate what you have done here, and I will continue reading to the end and definitely read it a few more times a year.
Well, 10 to 15 times dude, not a half ass effort.
I see value here and have already started sharing this with my friends.
I would like to set up a session with you to talk about long distance relationships. Especially with girls from Thailand. Let me know when you are free.
You’ve got to go to my website and click the Products tab — it’ll be at the top or bottom of your screen on any page — and book a coaching session. Once you do that, one of my assistants will get you on my schedule. You don’t get on my schedule until, obviously, you purchase a session.
I’m up to page 151 now. I applied some things you talked about, and guess what? I have a date tonight. I also, in a bold way, scheduled a date for tomorrow night with an old friend from years ago.
There you go. I would take her off Facebook, and I would remove the relationship status. Just show nothing. And stop posting pictures of her all over your Facebook, as well.
I ran into her last weekend, and she gave me her contact info and invited me to her birthday party next month. We chatted back and forth a few times, and I decided to just for it. I scheduled a table at BJ’s and sent her the info that I have a table for us to watch the Warriors game. Is that not being a man or what? LOL.
Cool. It sounds like you’re moving in the right direction. But like I said, it really is super important, especially the for the first guy, you’ve got to make your girl feel heard and understood.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.