Loyalty & Respecting Boundaries In Relationships
Basic respect and protocol in relationships regarding hanging out with members of the opposite sex.
In this video coaching newsletter I discuss an email from a viewer who has been with his girlfriend for a year and a half. He used to coach her in soccer and her team at practice, but eventually she no longer wanted him to so she could have something to herself. He probably became a little overbearing. Then a female friend of his invited him to attend her game. His girlfriend got really upset so he didn’t go. Then she started inviting a male friend to her games and didn’t tell him. Now he wonders what he should do about it. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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Hi, I’m Coach Corey Wayne and this is my video coaching newsletter. And the topic of today’s newsletter is going to be, Loyalty & Respecting Boundaries In Relationships.
Well I’ve got an interesting case here. This particular guy, he says he’s been with his girlfriend for about a year and a half. And he says one of the things that he always loved doing was he’s, I guess, a big soccer fan, and he’s also a coach to some degree. And so, what he used to do is he used to practice with his girlfriend and coach her.
And I guess he was also kind of coaching the team that she was involved in. And then at some point, she basically said that she didn’t want him coming to her games anymore and didn’t want to be coached by him so she could have her own activity.
And so, he’s like, “Okay.” So, in other words, she didn’t want him there. And that’s, I would say more than likely, he probably became a little overbearing. And her and maybe some of the other girls in the team just didn’t want him around. And so, she told him not to come around.
And so, he loves soccer, and where he made the mistake and put his foot in his mouth, was that he has a female “friend” of his, and she invited him to go to her game. And so, he’s going to go, and he tells his girlfriend and she gets all upset. She starts crying like, “Oh, okay.”
Because if you’re in a relationship, and then you’re going to go hang out and watch a female friend’s game when your girlfriend doesn’t even want you to come into hers. What that looks like is that you’re lining up a replacement, or that now you’re giving your romantic attention to somebody else.
And that’s why she would get upset, which is understandable. And so, he shouldn’t have done that in the first place. What you should have done was say, hey, you know, unless your girlfriend has a game at the same time and it’s a different league or something. But, “Hey, my friend so-and-so invited us to come to her game and I said I’d check with you,” because you’re a team, you’re supposed to be doing things together.
And you’ve got to have some commonsense dude. As a man, when you go and you have female friends that invite you to do activities and you go without your significant other, it doesn’t look good. If your girlfriend goes and does that, that doesn’t look good. And that’s exactly what happened in this case.
After she cries and gets upset and displays a bunch of waterworks. He says, “All right, I won’t go then.” So, he doesn’t go. And then what happens? Because remember, he’s no longer allowed to go to her games, and she doesn’t want him there. She starts inviting one of her male friends to go to her games and said nothing to him about it.
So, he’s like, “What is this?” It’s like a double standard here. He knows about this because another friend of his, I guess, was at the game and noticed that she had some male friend there. So, she tells her boyfriend he’s not welcome at her games anymore. Doesn’t want to be coached by him.
And then she invites another guy who’s obviously a male orbiter, probably some dude who definitely wants to get into her pants. And that’s what it looks like. So, it looks like he was potentially lining up her replacement. She didn’t like that. And what happens?
She turns right around and does exactly the same thing, and then doesn’t tell him about it. So that’s not good. So, he’s like he knows about this. But he hasn’t confronted her yet. And he’s like, “What do I do about this?” So part of it is both of them are violating mutual respect and boundaries in their relationships.
Viewer’s Email:
Hello Coach,
I am very confused by mu girlfriend of 1.5 years behavior. My girlfriend has stopped doing an activity that we used to do a lot together and enjoyed doing (not an intimate activity, I am good at soccer, and I coached her and watched her play on her team.)
And I made it clear I would like to do it with her because it is something I enjoy and something I enjoy doing with her. She made it clear she wanted space.
So, that tells me he’s probably smothering her and pursuing too much. And there were other things going on in the relationship. Because if this is the love of your life, she should want you in the stands being her champion and cheering her on. Instead, she’s like, “Yeah, I want some space. I don’t want you at my games. I don’t want you coaching. I don’t want you interacting with the team.
Get lost,” basically. That’s not a good sign. That shows a loss of attraction, but again, more than likely he probably became overbearing and maybe kind of obnoxious. And maybe some of the other girls on the team were like, “I don’t want your boyfriend telling me what to do or how to play soccer.”
Or maybe the coach, the actual coach. He was like, “Hey, I appreciate your boyfriend’s help, but he’s not the coach, and he should refrain from coming out in the field and telling us how to do things.”
She made it clear she wanted space and to not have me involved with her or her team anymore so she could have “something to herself.” And I said that was ok.
So that’s not a good sign. So that shows that there’s already a loss of attraction there.
So, one of my female friends also plays and I wanted to go watch her game. And I mentioned I planned to go to her game and my girlfriend was beyond upset. She was nearly crying and said how, “intimate” the activity was to her and how it was, “something special between us.”
Well, I would have said, “Well, you told me you don’t want me at your games anymore.” So, it’s like, I love soccer. And this friend, like, wants me to go to her game. It’s like, “Do you want me to come to your games now?
Would you like to go to this girl’s game with me? It’s like you got to communicate effectively. You can’t just sweep things under the rug and change the subject real quickly.” You got to get to the bottom of things.
So I told her I wouldn’t go. I thought everything was fine, and we moved on. Two months later I find out that one of her guy friends (who I know as well and am friendly with) she invited to her game.
She doesn’t want her boyfriend there, but she invites some other male dude. That’s definitely something I’ve been like, “What? You don’t want me coming to your games or involved in your team? You get upset if I’m going to go to some other female friend’s game.
But yet here you are inviting some male friend to go to your games, but your own boyfriend’s not allowed to go to your games.” It’s like, “How in any world does that look good or okay? Why would you do that?” I would have been asking that question right away.
She has explained he is just a friend and a “nice guy”, so it seems like no romantic feelings.
Until accidentally he ends up with his penis inside of her because it just happened. That’s not okay. She tells you, you can’t go to another girl’s game. You say, “I won’t go,” and then she turns right around and invites one of her male orbiters, but bans you from her games. It’s like, that’s not good.
She isn’t the type to cheat.
Well, that’s what you think.
And she claims she will do anything for me and our relationship. But that does fall flat on certain things I want.
So, she says one thing and she does another. I would say probably be a good bet to get back into The Book. I don’t know how many times did he even say how many times he’d read it. No, he did not.
So, I would say more than likely, maybe he’s a dude cherry picking videos, because there are some things that are sailing way over his head, and he doesn’t realize. That he’s doing and saying things that are unattractive.
She’s basically told you that she doesn’t want you participating in soccer. Or at least her team and her soccer activity. But now she’s invited another man to do that. That’s not good.
I don’t know how long she has been inviting him, but I do know he went that one time, I heard through a mutual friend. She didn’t tell me she invited him.
I am confused on how she can get so upset at me about doing this “intimate” and “our special thing” with another man after she got upset at me for doing it with anything girl. Should I start going to my female friends’ games? Should I confront her?
Well, I wouldn’t start going to your female friends’ games. Again, you shouldn’t be doing stuff like that without your girl, and vice versa. She shouldn’t be doing activities like that, going to other guys events, that you’re not even invited to.
And that’s totally inappropriate and disrespectful as hell for her to invite another man to her games when she’s told you she doesn’t want you there because she needs space. She needs space because her attraction is dropping, and you’re not recognizing that.
So, there’s obviously some more problems going on in your relationship than you realize, probably because you’re one of those guys that’s just cherry picking videos. And you’ve got some things going on here that you don’t even see because you haven’t been able to connect the dots because you didn’t take the time to learn the information.
Should I confront her?
Absolutely.
I don’t tolerate lying and not sticking to your word. So, I am not sure if it is just how she is, or a onetime thing.
Bob
Well, I’d say there’s multiple things going on. Number one is that her interest is dropped to the point where she doesn’t even want you participating in soccer with her. Like I said, more than likely. Maybe you became an overbearing pain in the ass at practice and pissed off the other girls in the team, and they’re like, I don’t want your boyfriend bossing me around or bossing us around.
Maybe your actual coach said something to you as well? I don’t know, but the bottom line is you’ve been banned from soccer practice, and yet she’s inviting other men. So, I would be saying to her, “I’m your boyfriend, and you’re telling me I can’t come to watch you at soccer, which I love doing, and I love supporting you doing that.”
And so, instead of having your boyfriend there, you’re inviting some male friend. So no matter what you say that guy is thinking he has a chance to fuck you. That’s why he’s there. He’s not there because he’s your pal. He’s there because he’s hoping to get into your pants. And it looks bad for our relationship. If he knows that you don’t even allow your own boyfriend to go.
But you’re inviting him there. So, to him, you’re giving him the green light to try to seduce you. And I would like to know why my supposed girlfriend is giving a green light to some other man who is not me, to attend her games when it’s something so important, it’s so intimate, and it’s supposed to be between you and I.
And now you’re including another guy in there. And then you absolutely flipped out when I mentioned that I was going to go watch another female friend’s game because I love soccer. So, I could support her because my own girlfriend doesn’t want me coming to her practices, or her games.
So, it’s like, “That’s not okay.” It’s like, “It’s not okay for you to be inviting men to things like that, especially when you don’t even want me there. So, you got some explaining to do. I want to know what’s going on, because that can’t be happening.”
It’s like, “If we’re going to be in a relationship together, there’s got to be mutual respect. I don’t go and do things with single girls, and you don’t go and do things with single men. And if you’re not going to invite your boyfriend to your soccer practices, there’s no fucking way in hell you’re going to invite other men there that are trying to get into your pants. That guy ain’t your friend. He’s hoping to get into your pants at some point. That’s the only reason why he’s still hanging out in the background.”
“And if you want me to be your boyfriend, then you do be displaying behaviors that show you’re loyal. Not telling me I can’t go to your soccer games. And then yet behind my back, invite some other dude there because that looks like you’re lining some other guy up, or you’re maybe seeing some dude behind my back.”
“And maybe that’s why you reacted so poorly when I told you I was just going to go watch this female friend’s game. Because maybe you’re talking to this guy and other guys. Maybe you’re not happy. I don’t know, that looks like you’re lining up a replacement. That looks like you’re trying to monkey branch to a new guy. And so, you’ve got some explaining to do.”
It’s like, “That’s pretty disloyal behavior on your part. And the fact that you covered it up and you didn’t even tell me. I’m honest. And I just told you, hey, I’m going to go watch so-and-so’s game, and you lost your shit about it as if I was doing some.”
And you’re like, “Oh, this is our intimate activity, but yet you’re inviting some other guy to our intimate activity. That I’m not even allowed to participate anymore. So, what’s your explanation for that? Because I can tell you that dude thinks that he’s now got a chance to fuck you.” And so, “why are you giving some other man the green light to try to seduce you? I don’t understand why you would do that, and why you would think I would be okay with that.”
So you need to have some discussions with her about this. This is not something you just sweep under the rug. And so, from my perspective, from what you shared here, it looks like you’ve pursued too much. You become overbearing. You’re probably doing other things to display unattractive behavior.
And she’s lost attraction for you, to the point where she’s like, “I need space.” In other words, she doesn’t even want you involved in this supposed activity that was really important to both of you. And on top of that, now she’s inviting other men there. So what that looks like is it looks like she’s preparing to monkey branch, or in the process of monkey branching to line up a replacement because their attraction is dropping.
And in the back of her mind, the future of your relationship is in doubt. So remember, liars and cheaters tend to always accuse you of what they’re guilty of. And that’s why when you noticed her reaction, she got so upset. And you’re like, “I was just going to go watch your game. Like, what’s the big deal?”
She got upset because she’s obviously talking to other dudes. Other guys that are just friends. And so, and giving them the green light to attempt to seduce, and sleep with her, and date her, and spend time with her. Especially when she doesn’t even want you there.
And she’s doing this behind your back and not telling you. And you’re having to find out about it second hand through other people going, “Oh yeah, I saw your girlfriend and some other dude that wasn’t you. He was there cheering her on and giving her hugs before, during and after the game.”
Was like, “Are you guys not together anymore?” You know, maybe you could say something like that. Like, “My friend thought that maybe you were with this other guy because he knows that you didn’t want me at practice anymore, and yet you now you’ve got some other guy. Maybe that’s why you didn’t want me in practice.
Because you wanted to invite some other dude. That’s what it looks like. It looks like you may be cheating on me. Or in the process of starting to cheat on me. So that doesn’t look good. I want you got to explain yourself.” And so, there may be some things that come up that you might not like, but that doesn’t look good, dude.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly. Until next time, I will talk to you soon.