Low Enthusiasm & Effort Means Low Romantic Interest
Why low enthusiasm and effort from women means they have low romantic interest in you.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who got set up with a woman by mutual friends at a bar outing. He wasn’t expecting it, so he froze up at first and then excused himself. Later that night, they ended up kissing and fooling around. The same thing happened a few days later. Then he tried setting a date and she started jerking him around and canceling the date at the last minute.
He’s trying to set another date, but she gives him vague answers. He asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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The idea is you don’t want to waste your time with people. Especially when it comes to women, they don’t want to hurt a guy’s feelings and they’ll say things that make you think, “Wow! She really does like me. She really is interested.” And then, she’ll give you some kind of rational excuse as to why she can’t get together, and you’ll think, “Oh, okay.” Yet, you can’t ever get together, or you see things like what this guy is going through. You have to bottom line the actions, because the actions tell you everything.
What you’re looking for is enthusiasm, somebody who’s excited to be with you. Think about it. When you call up your best friend, and you’re like, “Hey, let’s get together and hang out.” What happens? They’re excited to see you. They’re excited to hear from you. They’re excited to catch up. They appreciate the opportunity to get together. And you should have the same standards for your romantic life, as well. If there’s a lack of enthusiasm, I wouldn’t waste my time.
I want to start with I love your book and have gotten both the hard copy and the audio. It’s been a super helpful tool that has worked wonders for me in the past. I’ve also referred your material to several friends.
Well, I appreciate the referrals. The highest compliment you can give me is to refer my work to your friends and family, so I definitely appreciate that.
A girl I met this past Friday has me stumped.
Well, here’s the other thing. If you’re confused about a woman’s interest, chances are she’s not into you, so keep that in mind. When a woman’s doing things and you’re hoping to get together with her and you’re confused, typically it’s not looking good.
I was going out to meet friends and just have a guys night of drinking beer and shooting pool. Everyone in this group is older than me and are wifed up. A single friend of one of the wives ended up coming to the bar and my buddy wanted to set us up. I wasn’t really in the mental space for that but was like cool. I’m not going to turn down a chance to meet someone and he played her up. I’ve gotta say, the first intro was awkward as hell. He did the hand off and it was was like a deer in headlights.
Yeah, you’re not in the headspace to talk to anybody and then, all of a sudden, “Hey, I want to introduce you to so-and-so,” and you’ve got to be like a performing seal, basically. Sometimes you’re just not in the mood. I totally get how that feels. We’ve all had awkward moments like that in life where someone introduces you to their friend and they they’re figuring, “Hey, you’ll be good friends, too,” and you’re like, “I’m not really in the mood to talk to this person.”
It didn’t help that both him and his wife just sat there staring at us, ha.
Well, that’s awkward.
I have little problem meeting random girls at bars, going on planned dates off apps, etc. but something about being set up by friends made me freeze up.
Well, yeah. You got three people. She’s they’re like, “entertain me.” And then you’ve got the couple that set you up, like, “well, well… is it going to happen?” People are obnoxious.
I fumbled through an introduction, felt I bombed it, bowed out gracefully and went back to playing pool with the other guys.
It’s the best thing to do because, quite frankly, it’s going to kind of communicate that you’re really not that into it. And then she’s going to start thinking, “Why doesn’t he like me?” Because to sit there and try to have an awkward conversation when you’re not in the mood, you’re not feeling it, and she’s not giving you any help, and then the friends are standing there going, “Well, well, well?” it’s like, “Check, please. I’ll be back later.”
To make this long story a bit shorter, we ended up meeting back up at another bar, talked a bit and I took her to my place. No sex. Lots of making out and intimate touching. I did go down on her.
What about her going down on you, bruh? She’s a one way J. What’s up with that?
The next morning I drove her to her car, and later in the day I texted her saying I enjoyed meeting her and worked on setting up an actual dinner date for that Sunday. My buddy texted me saying “good job” with the girl and that I should join them all out that night. I agreed. At this point, she had responded saying she thought she would be free, so I texted back saying I was probably going to meet them out and that we could firm up plans there.
Probably should have made a definite date, because you got a little sloppy. You’re not really following the book. Remember, direct, decisive, get to the point, just like a salesperson is going to make a definite plan — a definite day, definite time, definite place to get together with a hot prospect. It’s the same thing with a date. Because when you get somebody to commit to a definite day and time — and obviously, in this case, going to go pick her up, having her address — then, you know you’re on and the chances of breaking the date are very slim. It causes them to commit to you, and if they don’t really want to commit to you, they’ll wiggle out of it. And that’s what you’re looking for, how serious of a buyer are they? Meaning, buying what you’re selling, which is you.
Went out. It was kind of a cold start. As the drinks flowed, she warmed back up to me and we began talking/flirting to the point it was like we were the only ones there. She brought up the dinner date and we made plans. We ended up going to her place after. Still no sex but a lot of making out, touching, cuddling, etc.
I would highly encourage you to read this book 10 to 15 times, especially the part on two steps forward, one step back.
The next morning I took her back to her car. She still seemed interested. She was making very relational talk with phrases like, “we have a good time no matter what we are doing, right?” and things like that.
It doesn’t sound very confident if she’s asking the question.
I played things cool but didn’t drool over the things she was saying. Fast forward to 5pm and I shoot her a text: “Pick you up at 6:30?” (Dinner plans were for 7).
Well, why would you be sending a question mark? Just say, “Hey, I’ll be at your place at 6:30.” That’s all I would have said. But you should have had definite plans, no matter what.
She came back with an excuse of wanting to stay in to get ready for the week and if we could reschedule for later in the week.
Yeah, whatever. She just didn’t want to see you, that’s the bottom line. Does that sound like somebody who’s like, “Oh, I can’t wait to see them!” “Yeah, I’ve got to organize my sock drawer tonight. I can’t make it. Something just came up. My closet’s out of order. I’ve got to really spend some time working on that for the week.”
It’s just rude to blow somebody off at the last minute like that. But he kind of opened himself up for it with “I’ll pick you up at 6:30” with a question mark. It makes it easy for her to go, “Aw, shucks! You know, my closet, I’ve got to really pay some attention to it. It’s getting kind of messy in there. I’ve got lots of shoes, and I’ve got to do some organization around here. I’ve got to get ready for the week. I’ve got to line up all my pairs of shoes that I’m going to wear throughout the week.”
I was a little put off with that but just responded with yes and gave her a couple days (Tuesday/Thursday) I would be free. She then proceeded to wait 24 hours to respond with she was busy Thursday, but could do Tuesday, or there is next week.
So, when a woman waits a whole 24 hours to text you back, that shows low interest, low respect. You’re not really a priority to her.
At this point I’m wondering if it’s worth responding and salvageable. I do really like her and want to explore this, but I’m not down for mind games and whatever this BS is.
Thanks for your help. I really value your opinion and expertise.
So the point being is you’ve got to look at her enthusiasm. She waits 24 hours to get back to you. They were supposed to get together Sunday. But the point being, is if you’re going to do Thursday or the Tuesday of the following week, it’s up to you to be the guy making the definite plans. But the really important thing to look at is she ditched you literally an hour or so before you were supposed to go out on a date. So, even if you had made a date for the Tuesday, the day you were both available, what’s the likelihood that she would have kept it or come up with an excuse at the last minute why she couldn’t make it? So that’s that’s the important thing to look at.
And if it was me, I would do the takeaway. If she waited 24 hours to reply, I would say, “Oh, sorry. I didn’t hear back, so I made plans for Tuesday, but what’s your availability next week?” I would put the date off further in the future, because you want to match and mirror her actions. Her actions are showing you that you’re really not a priority to her, and your time’s not very valuable, and she doesn’t respect you or your time. Therefore, set a date a week and a half out in advance. But you’ve got to do a definite day, definite time, definite place to get together, and pick her up.
I’d make one more attempt to make a definite date and see if she keeps it. But if she texts you a few hours before with some BS excuse about having to cancel, or reorganize her tool shed, or whatever, I wouldn’t even bother replying to it. I’d just delete the number, move on to the next. But, at the end of the day, if you think about your first meeting, it didn’t go well. And even the second time you saw her wasn’t like sparks. It took a while for her to warm up to you. And so, that’s telling.
The women that I wrote about in the book here, that never happened on those dates. There was always enthusiasm. They were always excited to see me. And that’s the important thing with putting those examples in there, so you could see the difference between women that really like you and women like this who are like, “Eh.” Do you really want to spend your time with somebody that’s like, “Eh… Well, I’ve got to get ready for the week.” If it was Brad Pitt or Justin Bieber, she’d be all over that. She would she quit her job just to go out on a date with one of those guys.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
“When people really care about and are interested in you romantically, they make plans that they keep and are excited to make them with you. When people have low romantic interest, they take a long time to respond to messages, are vague in their replies, lack enthusiasm and their words and actions often don’t match. Don’t waste your time with fence sitters or indecisive people. Only spend your time with people who would jump fences to be with you.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne