Loving Without Attachments
The importance of learning to love without attachments and how this grows attraction.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer who has been following my work for about two years, but only read my book, How To Be A 3% Man, six times. He and his wife got divorced, but during the divorce while he was in a relationship with another woman, he and his soon to be ex-wife grew closer. The past year they have been seeing one another, but they recently went their separate ways because she no longer has romantic feelings for him. They agreed to go their separate ways but will co-parent their daughter together.
He is hopeful that she will redevelop her feelings for him and asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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It really is about mindset. It’s about applying what’s in How To Be A 3% Man and acting like you have self-worth, you believe in your self-worth, and your actions are going to reflect that. And it’s really about how love is allowing and freedom, like the Thich Nhat Hanh quote, “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.”
This is a kind of a tricky type of situation. He obviously wants to get his now ex-wife back because, as he says, what turned her off and drove her away was his beta male ways. And now he’s been reading my book, he’s been following me for the past two years, but he admits he’s only on his sixth read of my book, How To Be A 3% Man, now. Which, from a coaching perspective, if you’ve been following me for two years and you’re just now starting your sixth read, to me, this is where guys have the most problems, especially when I’m doing phone sessions with them.
Because for most people, if they just read the book 10 to 15 times and supplement it with these different videos, they don’t need my coaching, they don’t need my help. I’m all about teaching self-reliance. I want people to get to the point where they don’t need me. I’m not interested in having a big coaching package with dozens and dozens of phone sessions with clients.
Most of the people I talk to, they only do one phone session with me and then they’re they’re good to go. And from a coaching perspective, I like that. I like when people don’t need me anymore. Because if I’m a successful coach and teaching self-reliance, I get people to the point where they just simply don’t need me anymore, and they can do it on their own. Not only can they do it on their own, but then they’re able to help and influence the people in their lives.
At the end of the day, I’m just one dude. I can’t coach everybody. And so, by creating millions of guys who understand this philosophy and mindset, they can go and impact their communities in whichever part of the world they happen to live in, and that’s how I accomplish my mission and purpose in life.
When you think of masculinity, it’s like masculinity creates the environment or provides a container for femininity to flourish. Masculinity shows up to serve. It doesn’t need anything, it doesn’t require anything. Now, it doesn’t mean you continually give to somebody who’s not giving back, but it means you give without attachments. And with the right person, whose goals and values are aligned with your own and whose soul and life path is aligned with your own, they will reciprocate because they also want to make you happy and they want to contribute to your happiness. That’s the healthy way to love people.
Thanks for all you do, hope you’re having a kick ass day! I’m a first-time emailer, been following your work since my marriage imploded 2 years ago and on read six of the book, (I know, I read a shit ton of other books too).
I was a classic beta not living my purpose, and your work and the works of others have helped me become the man I was meant to be. I’m an active duty Air Force officer who also owns/manages a small real estate empire here in the Redneck Riviera of Florida, and I’m finally happy on my own living my purpose, growing my business, getting shredded, investing in myself and spending time with my daughter, (split custody from our marriage).
After I ended a one-year rebound post-divorce relationship, my ex-wife and I revisited our relationship over much of this year spending time together, doing date nights and some therapy and talking regularly about our goals, purpose and desires for the future.
We remained close while going through the divorce and even while I was in my rebound relationship. She is the total package, a true ten! But, despite the work we’ve done and growing closer at a spiritual level, my ex has not been able to redevelop her romantic feelings for me.
From a mindset perspective, obviously you want to be loved back, in this particular case, by your ex-wife. And as a man, masculinity is about serving. But that also includes self-love, which means you notice whether or not the other person is reciprocating.
And so, he’s let her know how he feels, what he wants, what he’s open to, but she says the chemistry is not there, the feeling’s not there. And when you love and value and respect yourself, you appreciate the honesty, but at the end of the day, you want what you want and you’re not going to settle. So, you’ve extended your invitation, and she has basically said, “I’m not feeling it,” so you don’t take it personally.
You have to recognize that the other person is not feeling it and you can’t make them feel it. Therefore you move on with your life and start meeting and dating other women, because you want somebody who will reciprocate equally and freely on their own without coercion or force in any way.
As men, we’re always outcome focused and mission and purpose focused, and in this case, part of his mission is he wants to love somebody who loves him back. The ex wife is not willing to love him back in the way that he loves her, and so by having a healthy self-esteem he says, “Hey, no problem. Better will come, and I am going to endeavor to find this person and become the kind of person I want to attract.”
Because it’s not necessarily about finding the right person, it’s about becoming the right person. Creating the conditions in your life for the right person will just be magnetically drawn to you. And when you meet, you’ll know it, you’ll feel it in your soul, and it will be easy and effortless, provided you’ve done the work on yourself like I talk about in “How To Be A 3% Man.”
She told me she has been very stressed lately about her lack of feelings, talking to therapists and trying everything she could to reignite the spark.
Well, you can’t make your heart feel something it doesn’t feel. But as a man, you have to recognize, like in this particular case, he’s involved with his ex-wife and she ain’t feeling it. And the worst thing you can do is stick around waiting or hoping that things are going to change with her. You just recognize, “Hey, no harm, no foul. She ain’t feeling it. We are divorced, after all. And so, I’m going to go find what I want.”
Now, she may change her mind in the future, especially as he starts dating and meeting other women, but she may not. It may have never been there. It’s also possible that she never really loved him, because a lot of women marry guys that they’re not in love with. They just kind of go along with it. Especially as they get older and they start to recognize, “If I don’t settle down with somebody, I’m not going to be able to have a family or have kids.”
I told her that love should be fun, playful and easy and that putting pressure and stress on herself is the opposite of what’s needed to put herself in a romantic mindset.
We are truly two souls that are incredibly connected, but without intimacy, it is simply a relationship that doesn’t meet either of our needs.
As hard as that is to admit to himself, that’s the reality. You have to see reality as it is, not better than it is or worse than it is, but as it is. And a lot of guys in this situation see it as better than it is. So, I like the fact that he seems to have his head about himself, and it also helps that he had a relationship with somebody else after the split.
So, two days ago we had a long talk. She was extremely emotional, she told me I’ve become the (3%) man she always wanted me to be, but the romantic feelings simply aren’t there, so we mutually decided to go our separate ways and I’m lovingly letting her go.
When you really love somebody, you want them to be happy, even if it’s not with you. A lot of people really struggle with that, and I wrote about this in “How To Be A 3% Man.” But when you are mature and you’re self-reliant and you love yourself, you can see things objectively and rationally as they are. And in this particular case, she isn’t feeling the same thing he is, so he’s going to move on to find somebody who does.
That is the self loving thing to do, because you want to meet your own needs. You want to find somebody that meets your needs and you have to create the space. And so, for him to continue to be involved with her, and hang out, and have date nights and all these things, where it’s not going anywhere and she says she isn’t feeling a spark, it’s demeaning to yourself to stick around in those situations. Because you can’t force somebody to feel something they aren’t feeling. You just have to go find it elsewhere.
I told her when she gets to the point where she can’t imagine another day without me that she should reach out.
That is the right way. This is the way.
My thought is that she has never had the time apart from me to truly miss and appreciate me. I was simply too available.
It’s obvious he was probably pursuing too much and trying too hard to rekindle things, as opposed to letting her come to him. And that’s part of the problem is that he was cherry picking the videos, he only read the book five times, and he’s now on his sixth read.
By letting her go in a loving way where she feels free, I’m increasing the potential for her to reignite the spark on her own, let the FOMO build, and as you say, “She’ll be back.”
Yeah, you’re going to have the attitude of, “She’ll be back. She ain’t going to find anybody better than me.” That’s the attitude you have. And if she does, if she finds somebody that she clicks with better, you should be happy for her. Because if she’s happy, then she’ll be a good mother and a good example for your daughter. And that’s what you want. You both want to be able to present a good example to your child, so they can follow it. Because your kids are going to follow what you do. They’re not going to do what you say.
My plan now is to continue on my path to badass-ness, considering launching a coaching business of my own, (focused on finance, investing, relationships and personal growth…the best way to become the master is to teach)…
Before you can teach, you must know. I didn’t start teaching this stuff until I actually had experienced that it worked, and I was able to teach that to other people that were close to me in my life and see them get the same results. You don’t start teaching something when you don’t really understand it. But once you understand it, the more you teach it and the more you continue to study other books, other work, the better you get at teaching it.
You learn from other people and their experiences, and you get more tools for your toolbox that you can help other people with by studying other people. But reading the book five times and going, “Okay, now I’m going to start coaching people in relationships,” dude, you’re not ready. And that would not be serving your potential clients down the road if you haven’t mastered this stuff yourself.
Again, before you can teach, you must know. You have to be able to get these results repeatedly in your own life and be able to sustain them as long as you want to sustain those particular relationships. I see lots of people coming out of college going, “Hey, I’m going to be a life coach.” At twenty-one, twenty-two, you’ve got no life experience, and being a life coach means you’ve got life experience and you’ve overcome challenges in your own life.
Somebody that’s fifty years old is not going to listen to somebody that’s twenty-two, that’s never had a relationship or had problems that they’ve solved. They just don’t have the qualifications or the life experience to do it. You’ve got to learn this stuff first, and you’ve got to apply it in your own life, and be a good example, and be able to help the people in your own life. And then when you see the people in your own life getting the results, then you’re ready to start teaching these things.
A lot of people go, “Wow, Corey makes a lot of money.” Well, I get paid well because I have the expertise and the background and the experience. At this point, I’ve done tens of thousands of phone sessions over the years. So, people pay for the life experience, because I can point to exactly what they need to know and what they need to do. That’s why with most of my clients, all I have to do is one phone session with them and they get it.
…volunteering locally in the arts and living my best life. After taking a little time to heal, I’ll get back out dating again. Most importantly, I’m going to execute the “7 Principles to Get An Ex Back.” Thoughts? Am I on the right track?
Absolutely. Everything I read, that’s what you’re doing. But you’ve got to let her do all of the calling, texting and pursuing, and it’s obvious that you have not been doing that for the past year. So, as far as coaching other people, you’re still not applying what’s in the book properly. And so, quite frankly, you’re not qualified to be teaching other people yet, because you’re not doing it yourself yet.
So, get some life experience, get some success. Have at least one good relationship that you’re happy with, whether you stay together or not, or you end it with love. You’ve got to be able to live these principles, because otherwise you’re just simply not going to be able to understand, when somebody else is going through these things, how to help them effectively. That’s just reality.
So, if you haven’t read “How To Be A 3% Man,” you can read it for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com. You can also read my second book, “Mastering Yourself “ for free there, and you can also read my third book, “Quotes, Ruminations & Contemplations.” They’re all available in audio book format and the links are on my website.
And if you would like to get my help personally, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen on any page and book a coaching session with yours, truly.
“Love is an act. Love is giving. Love is allowing. Love is freedom. True love is loving without an attachment to being loved back or in a specific way, giving the other person the freedom to give back in the way you want, but being okay if they do not. Self-love is loving freely so the right person whose goals and values are aligned with your own will find you and love you the way you want to be loved without coercion, force or obligation, but because they love making you happy. Love is about meeting each other’s needs, helping each other grow and become more.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne