Why love cannot exist in a relationship where there is no trust.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a viewer from India who just broke up with his girlfriend of five years. This is the third breakup and potentially the last as he has repeatedly violated the trust in their relationship.
All the previous breakups were a result of him talking to and flirting with other women. The current breakup is the result of him meeting with a woman he once had a fling with before he met his now ex-girlfriend. He wants to get her back and asks my opinion. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
*Disclosure: This article contains affiliate links. An affiliate link means I may earn referral fees if you make a purchase through my link, without any extra cost to you. Thank you for your support.
He said he used what was in my book, How To Be A 3% Man, to get her back the first couple of times. All of their breakups involve other women, apparently, whether he was flirting with them, or the most recent one where he was hanging out with a girl that he had a fling with before he even got together with his now ex-girlfriend. So obviously, he told her about this or she found out, wasn’t happy, and broke up with him again. And now he’s like, “I’ve got to get her back.” It’s the third time that this guy has done that, so I’m probably going to light him up in this video.
We all encounter people that lie to us and deceive us, and one of the things we’ve got to understand is that this is just what they learned in life. And the likelihood that they’re going to change or become a good, honest person… I mean, this is how they survive. Especially by the time somebody is an adult, the chances of them changing, they just they don’t value it, and so they don’t have a track record of it. It’s just too easy when you have a life of living a certain way.
And so, for me personally, statistically, whether it’s a woman that’s cheated on all of her boyfriends, or the guy she’s dated, or somebody that you habitually catch in lies, it could be a guy, it could be customers, sales reps– it’s just people that habitually lie to you — you can’t trust anything that they say.
I mean, just look at our politicians. Pretty much almost everything that comes out of their their mouths is B.S. And we all kind of know this, but yet we keep voting for same people. Ninety-six percent of all incumbents get re-elected, so we’ve got nobody to blame but ourselves. We’ll keep complaining about things and how they never get any better, but then we’ll vote for the same person and be surprised that nothing’s changed.
And by the way, the my new book, Quotes, Ruminations & Contemplations, the paperback and hardcover is out on Amazon. The audiobook has been submitted to Audible, so it takes a week or two for that to go through, get approved and filter down. So, hopefully in the next week or two the audiobook will be available as well.
“Noodle Arms” from your comment section.
I guess he’s got spaghetti arms.
I am 24 years old. If it wasn’t for you, I would have never understood women as much as I do, understand life and relationships as much as I do. Thank you for getting me through my worst times by clearing out the fog by sharing enlightening experiences. You are the internet cool dad for many people, giving us advice about relationships our parents never gave.
My incident and problem…
Well, I think there’s a series of incidences here. It’s not just a one off thing, you just slipped up, said the wrong thing or did the wrong thing. This is a habitual character flaw, obviously. Or maybe, more than likely, you were dating a woman you just weren’t really super into.
Because here’s the reality, most people are just dating people that they have average interest in. They settle and they make all kinds of excuses for settling, but they look around the world as they’re going through life and I think, “Wow, she’s hot. Why am I more attracted to her than the person I’m with? I never felt that way for this person. Why is that? What does that all mean?”
These are the questions that started me on my journey of self discovery and wondering, how can I get better? How can I be better? What can I do? What do I have to change? What do I have to display? How do I have to modify my approach in order to be with somebody that sets my soul on fire, where internally it feels like we were supposed to be together? You have that feeling when you meet a really good friend and you just always hang out. It’s like you’re best friends from the day that you meet.
And it’s the same thing with relationships. The best relationships, they just seem to kind of come out of left field when you least expect it. And it’s just easy and effortless to be with that person. You have similar goals, similar values, a lot of things in common. You never run out of things to talk about, and you can enjoy the silence together. It doesn’t mean you’ve got to be chit-chatting every single minute of the day. It’s nice to be with somebody who you can sit with in silence and maybe you’re both reading a book, or watching the television program, or just watching the birds fly by over the ocean or the lake or wherever you happen to be.
Great things don’t come along very often, but if you’re always tied up with average and mediocre, then when somebody’s spectacular or a spectacular opportunity comes along in your career or your business — because you settled, and you probably told yourself you don’t deserve it — you won’t really take advantage of that great opportunity. And unfortunately, that’s most people’s reality.
This girl broke up with me two weeks back. We had been dating for 5 years now. We had broken up twice before this. Once before I found your work, and your book helped me get her back, and a second time, when I was caught flirting with another girl on Instagram.
Okay, so he didn’t really elaborate why the first time was. Maybe he was just being a beta male and got dumped, but the second time he was flirting with another girl.
I later apologized for being a jerk, but also told her that I felt she didn’t show enough affection towards me and also the fact she was holding back, which I hated. Still, that doesn’t justify my actions.
Well, part of the reason why she was probably going back is she just wasn’t that into you. You can’t make somebody feel something that they don’t feel. Now, it’s also possible that she’s structured and just not a very affectionate person. Some people are like that. If you’re an affectionate person, I wouldn’t recommend getting into a relationship with somebody that’s a cold fish. It’s not going to go well. And you trying to change them or fix them or get them to be more like you want them to be just simply doesn’t work out. Go find somebody that has what you want. It’s like too many people just settle. They make excuses like, “Well… this is fine.”
After which I saw a few changes in her. She would hold back, as she felt chances of us getting married or having a future was lower due to cultural differences, as in India families get married and not only two individuals, figuratively obviously. She would call me 80% to 100% of the time but not show verbal or physical affection until and unless I initiated it.
That’s either she’s a cold fish and not an affectionate person, and there are people that are like that, but more than likely, she dumped you because you turned her off. She probably just wasn’t that into you. And on top of that, you’ve lied to and deceived her now, I guess, a second time.
Which I hated, but went along with it as I really loved spending time with her.
Yeah, but who wants to hang out with that? It’s like being with a really hot girl who’s terrible in bed. That’s just the worst. I mean, it sucks. Everything’s great, but she’s got no body awareness and she sucks in bed. She doesn’t get any better, and she’s not coachable. She just doesn’t get it. What do you do then?
She was very much in love with me before she recently broke up with me because I met one of the girls who I had a fling with years ago before I met my girlfriend. Let’s call her “S.”
Come on, man. You’ve broken up with this girl twice already, and you thought it’s a good idea to go hang out with some girl you hooked up with. So, why are you going to hang out with a girl that she used to hook up with? Because you’re not that into your girlfriend, you’re not happy with her.
A lot of people do this. People that tend to be liars and cheaters, especially a lot of women, they do these Frankenstein boyfriends. They’ve got the one guy that they’re having sex with, and they’ve got the one guy that’s their emotional tampon that they call whenever they have a problem, because he listens, he’s attentive. And the guy that she’s sleeping with just doesn’t do those things, doesn’t want to do those things, or he’s not capable of those things. And maybe she’s got another guy, the Harry Honda, that comes over and fixes her toilet when it breaks, when the guy she’s sleeping with drops a giant deuce in there and clogs up the plumbing.
I told her that I was meeting this “S,” but when I later brought up the topic about what happened when I met “S,” she said I had never informed her.
So, maybe she was deceiving you. Another thing you’ve got to keep mind is women will blow a little thing up into a big thing so they can create a big break up fight. And they do that when they’re looking for a reason or an opportunity to dump you. And so, something that’s seemingly innocuous, they blow up. I mean, obviously in this case, if you were flirting with another girl, it’s a sign of disloyalty. And if you’re flirting with other girls, there’s probably plenty of other things over the course of five years that you lied to her about, she caught you in those little lies, and this just happens to be the latest.
You can’t trust somebody who’s constantly deceiving you and lying to you. “Oh, I won’t flirt with girls again,” and then not only did he flirt with her, he actually went and met with a girl that he had slept with. It would have been different if he and his girlfriend had gone and met this ex-fling of his for lunch or something. But the fact that he went and did it when he’s supposedly in a relationship, that’s just disloyal. It’s like, you don’t do stuff like that. That’s just stupid. It’s like, come on, man. And maybe on some level you were trying to blow it up, because you weren’t that happy with her.
She was very hurt and pissed by this fact and doubted me.
It doesn’t sound like you have much of a track record of being trustworthy, bro.
I acted defensive and logical in that moment. She got up and left, but later the next day, I understood what I did wrong.
You should have never met with this girl to begin with. On some level, you were sandbagging the relationship. You’d been with her five years, she’s not going to change who she is. She is who she is at this point. You either love her and accept her the way she is, or you go find somebody that has all those things. Obviously, you want an affectionate woman, and she’s a zombie. Probably a part of it’s because of low interest, and part of it, maybe she’s just structured and not very affectionate.
I mean, my grandparents were like that on my dad’s side. My grandfather wouldn’t come up like, “I love you.” He’d reach out his fucking hand and shake my hand. And then my grandmother just acted like I was some stranger off the street. They were just weird people. They didn’t say “I love you,” they didn’t hug anybody. They were weirdos. It was like, that’s not normal. They grew up in very fucked up, dysfunctional families. I wrote about that in “Mastering Yourself,” which you can also read for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com.
My grandmother, her mother died when I think she was twelve. And then my great grandfather was in the army. Everybody called him “The Colonel.” And so, when she was twelve years old, she had to work a part-time job. She had to pay rent to her dad at twelve. But you can understand, back then in the early 1900s, if anything had happened to him, she would’ve had to have been able to have to go out and get her own job, and pay her bills and provide for herself. So, probably in his mind, he was teaching her to be self-reliant.
But she grew up without a mother, in essence, and the father was in the army. He was busy, and so she had to clean, she had to cook, she had to do the laundry. She had to pay him rent, she had to hold down a part-time job, all of this at twelve years old. So, you can understand, okay, well now it makes sense why my grandmother was such a cold, emotionless zombie.
I asked her to meet me as I would want to listen to how I made her feel. When we met, she spoke about what she felt, and I tried opening her up. After which I apologized saying it was a stupid Idea to meet “S” but there was also miscommunication. She asked for a break anyway, after which she broke up with me over a call after two days. She sounded very firm about it and as if it was the last time.
Yeah, she’s probably given you umpteen chances by now. You’re just not a trustworthy guy. What have you done to to be a trustworthy person? So, you shouldn’t be going, “Oh gee, I’m really shocked that I’m in this position.” You should be asking yourself why you stayed in this relationship so long when you weren’t that into it. You can’t make somebody be affectionate who’s a zombie and a cold fish.
I responded that I was sad that she felt that way, but I understand, and asked her to call me if she would like to get some piri piri fries again, (her favorite food).
Well, I have no idea what it is. I’m sure it’s delicious.
I haven’t contacted her since. I am feeling numb and anxious.
Well, that’s reality, my friend. You did it to yourself.
1. Do I stand a chance of getting her back?
It’s slim. Probably not, because this is the second time you violated trust that you told us about. We don’t know about all the other possibilities. But the other thing you’ve got to ask yourself is, your actions are not the actions of a guy who’s really into his girlfriend. Your actions are a guy who’s staying with her because he’s afraid he’s not going to find anybody else, and so he puts up with a lot of things he’s not happy about.
You’re still trying to get your needs met. You’re still trying to find that affection that you’re missing in your current relationship with somebody else, because you’ve obviously had many conversations about this over the last five years, and nothing’s changed.
2. Is it okay to talk about a future together when you are 5 years into the relationship?
3. Where did I go wrong?
Well, number one, you shouldn’t lie and deceive people, and that’s kind of a dumb question. Hello! But also, the other thing is, at some point you recognize that you’re not going to be able to fully get your needs met with this particular woman. And your choice is to either accept that she’s an emotionless zombie, or you go find somebody who isn’t, who’s very affectionate and very touchy-feely.
Me personally, I like affectionate women, because there was literally no affection in my house. So, I really appreciate a woman that’s touchy-feely, likes to hug, kiss, be close to me, spoon, wake up with her in my arms. That’s just me though. And so, I wouldn’t be with a zombie, or a cold fish, or a woman who doesn’t like to touch me or she keeps her arms or hands to herself. It’s like, no, thanks.
4. Should I start dating again, or heal first?
Well, it kind of sounds like you were already acting like you were a free agent, so that’s up to you. You should take the time to get back to, you know, you should go work out, get rid of those spaghetti arms, optimize your body so you look better. You’ll get more interest from other women. And when you feel ready, go out and start dating.
5. How to stop obsessing over getting her back?
Well, rejection breeds obsession. And the reality is, if you take a step back and you think about how things were in your relationship a week or two before you went out with this other girl, that’s your true indication of how you really feel about your girlfriend. And obviously, it doesn’t sound like you’re that into her. So, it’s better for you and better for her, to be honest with you, if you just let her be.
Your help is most appreciated!
I would be following what’s in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back.” I wouldn’t call or text her again for any reason. You apologized because you fucked up, and she didn’t want to give you another chance, because you’ve obviously done this multiple times. So, you should look at this as an opportunity to finally break free and go find somebody whose goals and values match up and align with your own. Maybe you’re more meant to be a perpetual free agent, and you’re just not into being exclusive and monogamous with a woman. You’ve got to consider that possibility.
You shouldn’t agree to get serious with anybody unless you’re 100% convinced that eventually it leads to marriage or living together or having a family, if that’s what you want. Or you just like being single, everybody’s different. I coach all kinds of different people, guys that are ultra religious and believe that divorce is not allowed. I’ve got other guys that just are perpetual bachelors and they don’t want to be serious with anybody.
I’ve got guys in the Middle East, a lot of Muslim guys I coach have two or three wives. And guys in the West bitch and complain about one woman. Hey, try being a Muslim man and have two or three wives. You think you’ve got problems, try to keep two or three women happy and have kids with each other. That’s a real challenge.
I also have gay and lesbian clients that I coach as well. It’s like different strokes for different folks. My job as a coach is to help people get what they want in life, not to be their judge. Because, quite frankly, I’m not qualified to be anybody else’s judge. I’m just here to help you achieve your outcomes.
And so, if you’ve got some outcomes for your personal life or your professional life and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book coaching session with yours truly.
“Love cannot exist where there is no trust. In all relationships, trust is the hardest thing to earn and the easiest thing to lose. Habitual liars incorrectly learned early on in life that in order to survive, they must lie to and deceive others. The only way they feel safe is to lie. This is obviously a problem for most normal people who simply won’t put up with being lied to and deceived. Great teammates are loyal and honest with one another. They’re in it to win it, together. The likelihood that a dishonest person becomes an honest and loyal person is simply not a good statistical probability. People don’t change who they are, but they may become a better version of themselves.” ~ Coach Corey Wayne