Keeping Secrets: Why Gentlemen Don’t Kiss & Tell
Why men should keep some secrets and not treat their women like their priest or therapist.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss an email from a guy who is afraid that he will lose the woman of his dreams if she finds out that he has a secret. A woman he was seeing for a brief time 7 years ago got pregnant. He didn’t want to have a child with her because she was very manipulative. She kept the child anyway and they signed a legal agreement where he claimed paternity, but had no obligation financially to the child. He hasn’t spoken to her in 6 years.
He and his new girlfriend are very close and he’s becoming paranoid that if she finds out, she will leave him for another guy because she is beautiful and gets hit on a lot. He wants to know how and when to tell her. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the body of his email.
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So obviously, he’s not in a good place. He’s driven by fear and quite frankly, it’s a bunch of irrational fears. As I talk about in 3% Man, gentlemen don’t kiss and tell. You shouldn’t sit there and talk about every girl you’ve ever slept with, every girl you’ve dated, every girlfriend you’ve ever had, everything that’s bad that happened in your life, especially when you first start dating somebody. The idea is if it’s not going to make you look more attractive and masculine and awesome in her eyes, she doesn’t need to know it. Plus, if you get into an argument or she gets pissed at you, then she’s going to throw some of that stuff back in your face.
So why give ammunition to somebody who potentially will turn around and use it on you? Whether it’s talking about body counts, obviously you want to know a little bit of background about the girl that you’re dating, but the idea is you don’t want to turn your girl into your priest or your therapist. She’s supposed to be your teammate and your lover.
If you’ve got problems, if you’ve got issues, it’s much better to go share those with your guy friends and have a few beers or talk to your therapist or whatever, but don’t dump all of your problems onto your girl and tell her that you don’t know how you’re going to get out of it, or you’re terrified or you don’t think you’re going to figure it out. It’s just not going to help you.
I’ve been doing this for a long time and I’ve had countless sessions over the years. Sometimes guys that have been with their wives multiple decades, they’ve raised kids together. Both he and his wife are great. They’re in great shape. They both have really good, successful careers. Their kids turned out amazing. They went off to college, did amazing in college. They’re living amazing lives themselves. Then the husband goes through some kind of a health challenge or he goes through some kind of major business upheaval in his life and he mistakenly thinks, “Hey, let me just lean on my wife because we’ve been together for 30–40 years, whatever happens to be, and I can lean on her.”
In essence, they’re going through a tough time. They end up turning their wife into their therapist, their mommy or their priest. You can go through a difficult time for a period of months, but once it gets beyond that, once it gets beyond six months or a year or whatever, and you’re still treating her that way, she’s going to lose attraction for you and lose interest.
I’ve done plenty of sessions with guys where the wife has lost interest. She served him with divorce papers. She’s moved out and the guy is just devastated. He’s just thinking, “I’ve always been the alpha in my relationship. Things have always been great and I go through a period of six months, and she dips on me.” It’s like, you can’t turn your girl into your therapist and your mom. If you’ve always been the head of the household, you can’t be flailing around and start treating her like your mommy. You got to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, because you’re supposed to be the strong one.
The bottom line is these things, if you try to make the woman in your life the man of the relationship, it’s not her natural essence. It’s not what she’s designed for. Eventually, deep down, she’s going to resent it and it’s going to ruin and lower her attraction level for you, so it’s best not to do it. That’s why guys should have a good group of guy friends that they trust, guy friends they can keep a secret and keep their mouths shut.
So when you are struggling and going through a difficult time, you got a good group of peers that you can go through, because most women are just simply not set up to handle the difficulty, the trauma, the hard things that you go through. They’re just not designed and built that way. Of course, the feminists would go, “No, share your feelings.”
Like I said, I’ve been doing this almost 20 years at this point. When you see the same patterns over and over, whether it’s a young guy who’s been with his girlfriend a couple of years, he goes through a difficult time, loses his job, has a period where he’s depressed and he lost somebody close to him, his life totally comes off the rails.
Then within a matter of months, he goes from being the strong mountain, masculine type of man that she goes to for everything. Then now the roles flipped, and he’s expecting her to be the mountain and the strong masculine person in the relationship. It’s not our natural essence, and naturally she loses attraction and oftentimes leaves. That’s when the guys come to me with these particular issues.
This particular guy has got something that happened in his past that has been resolved. The woman’s out of the picture that he was involved with. He hasn’t even spoken to her in six years, but he feels like he’s got to confess this secret to her. Bottom line is, you can just tell his whole mindset around it is not a good mindset. It’s not a masculine mindset, and he’s going to go dump this on her and he’s terrified that she’s not going to react too well to it. That’s already going to put him in a weak place, because he’s already driven by fear and assuming the worst. Quite frankly, because of this, I’ll get into it in a minute, it’s really none of this girl’s business.
She doesn’t need to know. It doesn’t affect his current life in any way. It’s just a relationship that he had in the past. The woman’s not even in his life anymore, and he feels like, “I got to confess this to her because if she finds out, I don’t know, she may leave me for another guy.”
You can tell he doesn’t have a high perception of himself. He’s not thinking like a guy who deserves the girl. He’s thinking, “Man, I pulled one over on her, but if she really finds out what I’m really like, she’ll probably leave me.” It’s the wrong mindset. Some things are just better kept to yourself. Women typically just do not react well to hearing about your exes or your exes being in your life or when you’ve had a good experience with an ex and you’re on good terms with them.
These things are not helpful to your current relationship, especially if there’s negative things. How is your girlfriend going to become more attracted to you by telling her this secret? She’s not. Why throw an unnecessary hand grenade into your relationship and risk causing problems, especially when your mindset is already screwed up around the issue? Then she doesn’t react too well to that and you’re already terrified of what happened. Now you’re driven by fear. It’s like going into a flat spin in a plane. It’s like, almost impossible to get out of and the guy will just literally drive the relationship right into the ground because he’s totally driven by fear.
Don’t make your girlfriend your therapist, your mommy or your priest. She’s supposed to be your teammate, your lover, your joy, your fun, the nurturer and mother to your children, if you guys are going to have kids together. Don’t try to make her the man in the relationship, and if you do, you can’t do it for very long, because it’s not our natural essence. She’s going to resent it and she’s going to get turned off fairly quickly.
Like I said, I’ve got guys that have been with their wives and raised their kids. The kids are adults and they’ve gone off and started families of their own and they go through a period of six months or a year, and they just are having a really hard time. Maybe it’s a health issue or a business failure or some some calamity that’s going on in their life. Then the girl moves out and it’s like, “I thought I could lean on her, too. That’s what everybody always told me. It’s my turn to go through a tough time and lean on her.”
You can do it for a short period of time, but when it’s an extended period of time, six to 12 months or more, it’s just not going to end well. So keep it to yourself. It’s a need-to-know basis. If she don’t need to know and it’s not going to help your relationship, it’s not going to cause her to think even more highly of you, then don’t say it. Keep the secret. Gentlemen don’t kiss and tell. It’s a good policy, because why give somebody things that they can use, fears or weaknesses to exploit? It’s just unnecessary, and quite frankly, it’s stupid.
Viewer’s Email:
Hey Master Wayne,
Thank you for your incredible work over the years. It has had a tremendous impact on my dating life, and I’m truly grateful for coming across your work.
I’ve been following your teachings closely, although I haven’t manage to read your book more than twice (I know, not even close).
Well in the long run, you’re going to have a hard time sustaining your success if you don’t learn the book. I talk to guys pretty much every day. I do phone sessions and guys like you, they learn the pick up skills, some of the dating skills. They never bother for the relationship stuff because they typically don’t really need it until you’re six, 12 months, a year or two in the relationship. Then the wheels just come right off the wagon. Then they’re trying to put things back together. Then they’re trying to cherry pick the videos.
I mean, it’s great for the coaching business, but people still don’t listen. That’s why I harp on it all the time and people bitch in the comments, “You’re always talking about reading your book 10–15 times.” You got to learn the fundamentals. When Tom Brady was playing football, you didn’t see him showing up at football practice the first day of training camp and going, “I don’t need the damn playbook. I know all these plays. I’ve been doing this shit for 20 years.”
He’s constantly in the playbook. He’s constantly watching film. He’s constantly trying to get better. The fundamentals are the fundamentals. Repetition is the mother of skill. You have to get to the point where you know this book backwards and forwards to where you could teach a class on it. That’s part of the reason why this guy is so scared and full of fear, is because he doesn’t really own the material. The fears are creeping in.
Like I said, the longer this relationship goes on, the harder it’s going to become for him to maintain it, and he’s already having a hard time keeping his composure together, because in his mind, he’s built it up to be this big deal. It’s quite frankly not really that big of a deal.
Nevertheless, I’ve been watching your videos regularly while managing my busy life as a professional musician, a part-time trader and working at a music college.
I wanted to discuss a personal situation with you. Despite being 36 years old, I have been fortunate to maintain a youthful appearance, I exercise regularly, am a good communicator and have always had success with women.
About a 9 months ago…
So keep in mind, he’s only nine months in and you can tell he’s like on the verge of losing it, coming unglued here, because something happened in his past. When in reality, if he had the confidence that the book gives you, when you read it 10–15 times, because you can read women like a book, these issues don’t creep in.
You can tell he’s worried about her approval. He’s worried about losing her. He’s totally driven by fear, and it’s because things are happening in his relationship and his interactions with his girl that he doesn’t understand and he doesn’t know what to do. Yet the dunce, the guy that wrote the email and, yeah, I’m calling you a dunce because I’m tweaking your balls a little bit because masculinity grows through challenge, didn’t read the book because he doesn’t think it applies to him and he doesn’t need to.
I’ve done countless phone sessions with guys like you over the years. When your relationship progresses to the point where she’s dumping you or blowing you off. Then what? Typically guys do is they start over pursuing when the woman backs off and they chase her right out of their lives.
In essence, this guy, if things get a little bit more pressure put on him, he’ll revert back to his old ways that he used to be before he ever came across my work, which will just drive this girl right out of his life even quicker.
I’m trying to help this guy save his relationship before he really screws it up, but it’s obvious by the time he’s written this email, he’s not following instructions. All I can do, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink.
…I met a much younger girl who started working with me. Initially, I wasn’t particularly interested, but I noticed her growing attraction towards me. I played hard to get due to past experiences with colleagues but eventually succumbed to her pursuit.
I can relate. Women are very persistent, and especially women that you’re working with and you’re putting them off, you don’t want to get involved. All it ends up doing is making them want you more. If they’re hot and they’re persistent, they’re relentless and they don’t stop, like I said, eventually you succumb to it. It happens. I’m an innocent child of God, of course.
We have been together for five months now, and her attraction level is at a 10. She tells me she loves me daily, and I make sure to maintain a good vibe in our relationship and to remain mysterious.
Now, here’s the difficult part. We both live abroad, but in 2016 I had a distressing experience with a manipulative woman before leaving my country. We engaged in a brief sexual relationship, always practicing safe sex. However, there was one instance where the condom broke (she maybe poked a hole), and I promptly took her to get the morning-after pill.
Although she claimed to have taken it, I cannot be certain looking back. I made it clear that I wasn’t interested in a committed relationship before leaving the country. We kept in touch, and she even reassured me that she wouldn’t mind if I saw other girls as long as she was on my mind. Naively, I didn’t recognize the signs.
Some time later, she informed me that she was pregnant.
That sucks, but how do you even know if it was yours? Just because the condom broke? She could have been sleeping with some other guy. You don’t really know.
Panicked, I pleaded with her not to have the child, as I had never wanted it and had been clear about it.
Well, if she got the morning after pill, told you she took it when she really didn’t, what can you do in that case? Or some time later, I don’t know how much later, how many months later or how many weeks later after the event, she becomes pregnant and you don’t really know if it’s actually yours or it was some other guy she was sleeping with. Hopefully, I assume or I would have hoped, that he was smart enough to do a paternity test to even make sure it was his, but I don’t know. He doesn’t mention it.
I even went to meet her in person, begging her to reconsider. However, she decided to keep the child. I sought legal advice, and an agreement was drafted where I renounced financial responsibility in exchange for assuming paternity. I involved my parents in the decision, and they advised me to follow through. I did not give the child my surname, but since then, the woman has had no contact with me for six years.
Out of sight. Out of mind.
I have been dealing with depression and taking daily medication to cope with the trauma.
I mean, it’s six years ago. At some point, you got to let go of that. Quite frankly, you did everything you could. It’s the woman’s body, and if she’s going to go through with it, well, that’s on her.
The fact that you’re not financially responsible, maybe someday when the kids 18, 20 years old, he’ll reach out to you. If he’s raised by the ex, is he going to be, you know, a guy that you even want to get to know or they even like? You might not even like who your child grows up to be? That’s assuming he’s actually your child. I don’t know again, if he actually did a paternity test after the child was born to make sure it was his, but he signed in a legal agreement, so he’s legally obligated wherever country it is that he’s at.
My current girlfriend, whom I consider to be the girl of my dreams, is unaware of this situation. She is 23 and has been very protected by her parents making her extremely naïve and innocent.
Well, let’s keep her that way. This information is a need-to-know basis, and it’s between you and your parents and the ex girlfriend. If you don’t think it’s a big deal, your girlfriend is not going to think it’s a big deal. That’s why you just don’t ever mention it to her. It’s none of her business. It doesn’t concern her.
You’re not involved in the child’s life, and that’s assuming the kid’s even yours. Like I said, I don’t know if he ever did a paternity test. If you didn’t do a paternity test, you can’t even be sure it’s even your child.
She is blond, petite, gorgeous and a singer pursuing a pop career. I am always witnessing guys who constantly hit on her. I fear that revealing the truth may overwhelm her and jeopardize our relationship.
Again, this is not information that’s going to add any value or any benefit to her or you or your relationship, and you’re already worried about how it may look. Again, this is the kind of thing that you just take to your grave. You just don’t share it. It’s none of her business.
We share a loving and caring bond, the kind I didn’t believe existed until I came across your book. However, as time passes and we grow closer, it becomes increasingly difficult for me to keep this secret.
Well, keep your mouth shut, dude. If you can’t keep your mouth shut, that’s on you.
I’m unsure when or how to approach the topic.
I would never, ever approach it. It’s none of her business. Gentlemen don’t kiss and tell. It’s in the book. Again, this is not information that’s going to be of any benefit to you and her relationship. You don’t talk to the girl anymore. You’re not involved in the child’s life. You don’t even know anything about the kid. You don’t even know where they are, or maybe she’s gotten married to somebody else and had kids with them. You just have no idea. Who cares? It doesn’t matter.
I apologize for the lengthy email, but this is a delicate matter, and I would greatly appreciate your guidance in navigating this challenging situation.
Thank you once again for everything you have done. I am forever grateful to you.
Bob
Well Bob, I’d keep your mouth shut. I wouldn’t say anything to anybody. She doesn’t need to know anything about it and just hang out, have fun, hook up, enjoy your life and read the damn book.
I mean seriously dude. You got to read this thing 10–15 times because a big reason why you’re in a state of fear constantly, you’re seeking her approval, you’re worried about losing her, and that mindset is toxic. If you don’t learn the material, at some point you’re going to screw up and you’re going to drive this girl out of your life, because you’ll revert back to exactly your beta male ways that you used to be before her.
I implore you to take the time to learn the material, get a physical or digital copy of this book, and listen to the audio book on two speed and you can get through it in under four hours. You have to commit this information to memory because if you don’t, then you’ll be one of those panicked dudes blowing up my assistant’s emails trying to get an early phone session because you’ve got like, days to turn things around.
I’m always at least a week or two out, scheduling wise. If you need to book a phone session, if maybe you’re in a similar situation, make sure you’ve read the book at least once before we talk on the phone.
If you’re calling about something about purpose and mission, I want you to at least read Mastering Yourself one time before we have a phone session, because there’s a lot of information in the books that is much better that you can learn on your own because the books are free to read on my website by subscribing to the email newsletter. That way when we have a phone session, we can really focus on the things we need to without me trying to teach you something that’s in a book that you can read for free over the phone. We want to be efficient when we have a phone call.
P.S. Could you provide more information about the smoothies you make? I’m interested in learning more.
The smoothies are also in the book Mastering Yourself. There’s videos that we’ve done on the green juice and the smoothies. If you just Google How To Make Corey’s Green Juice With Gracie, How To Make Corey’s Green Juice, Corey’s Green Alkaline Smoothie, or How To Make Corey’s Green Alkaline Smoothies With Gracie, the videos are on my YouTube channel. The articles are on the website. The ingredients are there. You can watch her make it, see how it’s done. I highly recommend it. It’s life changing. It makes you feel incredible.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.