Why men who are impatient, controlling and overly emotional turn women off.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss 2 different emails from 2 different viewers. The 1st email is from a viewer in France who started seeing a woman, and he gets so angry and overly emotional at the fact she doesn’t call or initiate texts like he wants, but instead texts him.
The 2nd email is from a guy who turned into a jack-in-the-box with his now ex-girlfriend every time she spent time with male co-workers one on one. He did the same with female co-workers, but his girlfriend wasn’t bothered. He failed to set healthy boundaries and instead blew his top. Eventually, she got tired of this and said she wanted space and a break. Both emailers have difficulty controlling their emotions and are quick to anger, which is a huge turnoff and attraction killer for women. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.
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If you’re going to be involved with a woman in any way, shape or form, most of the time, they’re not going to do what you expect, because feminine energy is chaos. And if you’re a man that can’t deal with the chaos and the constant changing of the mind or the opinions that women tend to be like, you’re going to have problems with them.
First Viewer’s Email:
I was dating a younger woman for 3 years, (first serious relationship), and I will say, when we first met I wasn’t acting like I wanted her or cared about getting a girl. I just relaxed and was myself, playing my music and joking with her. I didn’t care and was confident, which attracted her.
Well, the difference that makes the difference is in difference. You’re happy if she’s there, but you’re just as happy if she’s not. In other words, you’re not perturbed, you don’t get emotional. You don’t get upset, you don’t get butthurt. You’re just calm and stoic, if you will.
Same with the following 6 months after meeting, (honeymoon phase). She adored me and would drive 2 1/2 hours every other week to see me for the weekend. I was on top of the world at that point. I attracted a beautiful young lady, and I knew she wasn’t going anywhere. I was the man.
It was around the 6–9 month period that I felt myself slipping out of my frame into an insecure, fear-based, almost paranoid one.
That’s a bad way to go. Because the reality is, you could be the best boyfriend, best husband in the world, and if you didn’t vet properly and you got involved with a woman who has no integrity, because character is destiny, she’s going to cheat on you if that’s her nature. Because every guy slips up. No guy is perfect forever and ever. You’re going to get busy. You’re going to get caught up at work. You’re going to get complacent. You’re not going to do the things that you used to do.
And if you’re with a woman who has integrity, she’s going to communicate, and work with you, and resolve your differences. But an insecure woman who belongs to the streets, the kind of girl that you should have only just hooked up with and have a friends with benefits, if you try to turn a hoe into a housewife, then you’re going to have problems. Because again, character is destiny. So, the best thing to be is to be calm. Be what masculine energy is, and continue to vet and make sure the girl keeps her word, she says what she means, and she means what she says.
I remember a small fight I had with her when she let me know that she was invited to go get a smoothie with a male co-worker, because she was quitting her job at this ramen place soon. A freaking casual little trip down the block to get a smoothie with a co-worker made my blood boil, simply because it was another MAN.
Well, the reality is, good women that are family oriented, that are loyal and faithful are just simply not going to go hang out-on-one with a dude that they work with. Even if they get along with them, great. The reason being is that most guys just typically don’t care. If they like the girl, they’re going to make a move. And that’s why us guys get irritated if our woman goes out and spends time one-on-one with another guy.
Now, if it’s a group thing and everybody from work is there, that’s one thing. But when everybody leaves, she’s not going to hang out one-on-one with the dude, because it just simply looks bad. Even if nothing happens, it looks bad when a married woman or a woman who’s in a exclusive relationship hangs out one-on-one with a dude. You can imagine, maybe your parents are out and your parents see your girlfriend there, or your wife, one-on-one with some guy that they don’t know. What are they going to think? They’re automatically going to think something is going on. That’s just not a good look.
A woman who really values her man, loves her man, and is loyal is just not going to put herself in a position to do these things. It’s just simply not going to happen, out of respect for the relationship. This is just normal protocol. And the same thing with the guy. The guy is not going to go out one-on-one with his hot female coworker, because it looks bad. And if you care about your relationship, you’re just simply not going to do these things.
If you want to hang out with somebody, you’re going to have your significant other there, or there will be other people there. There will be cock blockers there. You’ll bring cock blockers with you. A good woman will go and hang out with a male co-worker that she gets along with, as long as other people that she works with are there. But when everybody leaves, she’s going to leave with them and not sit there one-on-one. Because again, it looks bad, and you don’t want people getting the wrong impression, especially your significant other. It’s just the right thing to do.
People with integrity, this is how they behave. People who lack integrity and don’t have character, they’ll do it and not think anything of it, and they’ll be entitled to it. And they’ll get upset when you tell them how inappropriate it is.
Mind you, about a month prior, I told her that I went out to lunch with a very attractive, but not my type, woman my age after tattooing her fingers at the shop I worked at!
Well, you shouldn’t have been doing that. That’s inappropriate, dude. And you should know better. Because what if you’re out with this girl who’s not your girlfriend, and one of your girlfriend’s female friends sees you? What do you think she’s going to be doing? She would probably be taking a picture and then send it to your girlfriend. And then when you get home, your girlfriend is going to be mad and upset and wondering, “Who was the girl you were hanging out with?” “Oh, it was just a client.” “Well, she’s really pretty. What were you doing hanging out one-on-one with a client?”
Because all relationships start as casual affairs. They start as hanging out, having fun when you’re hanging out, and then that leads to hooking up. People who value their relationships and value loyalty and monogamy just simply don’t do these things, because it’s not appropriate. You don’t want anybody to be getting any wrong ideas, including the person that you’re hanging out with. And guys will think, “Well, this girl is hanging out with me. She’s married or she has a boyfriend. But if she’s hanging out one-on-one, maybe I’ve got a chance with her.” That’s just how the average dude is going to think. They won’t think anything about trying to rip off your girl, especially if she’s smoking hot.
Talk about double-standards. I didn’t think anything of it, because the thought of cheating on her never crossed my mind, but for some reason, I constantly suffered from paranoid thoughts about EVERY guy in existence wanting her and thinking she might entertain them.
Yeah, well, your Spidey sense is obviously telling you something about that. The appropriate response is just, a lady doesn’t go out one-on-one with guys that are not her boyfriend or her husband. It just doesn’t happen. And a gentleman doesn’t do that either, just because it looks bad. Because things can get misconstrued.
It can be totally innocent, but at the end of the day, people that don’t know any better, they see you out. Why put yourself in a position where you’re going to cause pain to your significant other and have them wonder? It’s just not right. It’s not mature.
We actually got an apartment together and cohabitated for a year, and I can’t say that it got any better. I freaked out yet again in the apartment when she told me that she was going to meet up with the same guy (smoothie guy) to catch up.
Well, you should have had this talk with her then. But you can’t be doing that yourself and then get mad at your girlfriend. So, blowing your top is not the proper way to handle it. The explanation I just went through, that should have been the conversation you had with your girlfriend the first time she went out with the smoothie guy from work. And you explain to her, “It’s not you that I don’t trust. It’s men that I don’t trust. I don’t know this guy.”
“Most guys, especially when they’re single, they’re out with a pretty girl from work, whether she’s married or has a boyfriend, on some level, they’re thinking, ‘I’ve got a chance with her.’ You have a few drinks, he gets a few drinks in him and then, boom! The next thing you know, he’s making a move and he’s sticking his tongue in your mouth. And you were so shocked that it happened. There you are. But what if my friends, or my parents, or somebody related to me is out and they see that, and they take a little picture of it, and they send it to you? That’s going to look bad.” Even if she’s going, “I was so shocked. He just kissed me,” it looks bad. You just don’t put yourself in positions where those kinds of things can happen.
She always had difficulty making new friends, and she wasn’t getting along with the women at her new job and moved into a new city where she didn’t know anybody, so she probably just reached out to someone nearby whom she could hang out with other than me (understandable).
Again, a lady is not going to do those things. A woman who values her relationship is just simply not going to do it, because it doesn’t look good. Simple as that. And if she really loves and values you as her man, she’s not going to want to do anything to jeopardize that. Period. End of story.
That wasn’t MY logic, however. The same jealous emotions flared up in me, and I eventually stormed out saying something like, “Well have fun on your DATE.”
Well, that’s pretty immature, dude, that’s not masculine energy. You’re acting like a butt-hurt little baby. You just sit there in a calm voice and you explain to her why it’s not appropriate. And you should have also apologized for the fact that you did it, and tell her how it’s not going to happen again and why it will never happen again. But if you guys are going to stay together, this needs to be the protocol. And if she doesn’t agree to that or doesn’t like that idea and wants to continue to go out with guys one-on-one, then that should tell you that she still thinks of herself as a single woman, period. Again, it’s protocol. You don’t do these things.
My closest friends that I grew up with, I’m not calling their wives saying, “Hey, let’s go out and hang out with a beer,” because we all went to high school together and I’ve known them just as long as I’ve known my friends that are married to them. Because I knew her before they even started dating. It’s just, I’m not going to do those things, because it looks bad. It’s just not appropriate. It’s like, even when I text my married friends that I grew up with, whether it’s Mother’s Day or Father’s Day or a holiday, I’m texting them both at the same time in a group text, just because that’s the proper and polite and respectful way to do things.
This is the same woman who had absolutely no issue with me going alone to a Halloween party at one of my friends’ houses who is a very attractive female my age.
Here’s the thing, Corey. I seem to be in a constant mental battle with whether or not it’s okay for someone in a relationship to go out alone with someone of the opposite sex. There’s probably no right answer to that.
Yes, there is. I just got done explaining it.
But it probably just depends on the couple and their level of security/integrity. Either way, I still don’t know.
Well, the reason it bothers you is because deep down, you know it’s inappropriate. But you haven’t handled it tactfully. You handled it like a needy, insecure, neurotic jackass. You were the opposite of masculine. You acted like a jack-in-the-box blowing your top. That’s not the kind of thing that makes a woman feel safe and comfortable with you. It makes her doubt that you’re the right guy for her.
My logic is that, even though I could be alone with a female friend and nothing romantic or sexual would happen between us, perhaps it’s just out of respect for my girlfriend that I reject such occasions.
Ding, ding! We have a winner. Congratulations, you are correct.
So, 3 years later, we’re broken up. She became numb to the fights. She felt suffocated.
So, if she’s feeling suffocated, that tells me you’re smothering her, you’re controlling, because deep down you feel insecure, because you’ve got this issue that you let fester for all three years. And it seems obvious that she continued to hang out with dudes that were not you one-on-one, and you should have nipped this in the bud the very first time it happened.
I assume you’re young and you don’t know any better, but this is something that’s going to need to be corrected. Because if you’re going to get back into a relationship with her, you just can’t have this point of friction between the two of you. If she’s not willing to agree that it’s inappropriate, and you agree that it’s inappropriate, and neither one of you is ever going to do it again unless you guys are together or there’s other people there, then you shouldn’t get back together with her, simple as that.
Because if she doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with it and she’s determined to keep doing it, you’re just going to disagree again in the future. And if you’re going to commit to her, again, the number one most important thing to us guys in a relationship is loyalty. We don’t like disloyal women. And you certainly don’t like your girlfriend going out and hanging out one-on-one with guys. It doesn’t matter whether you trust her, or not. The issue is it’s inappropriate.
She didn’t like me questioning her every time she went to a work party.
Well, if there’s other people there, it shouldn’t be an issue. But if she’s leaving the work party one-on-one with another dude, that looks bad. Because the next time, maybe you go to a work party, but everybody remembers that your girlfriend was hanging out with the other dude from the office and they left together. Now they’re looking at you like, “Oh, this dude’s a chump.”
I seemed to forget that she is a human like myself who needs to be able to interact with others, (yes, including dudes,) and not feel dirty or guilty.
Well, in a professional sense, but not one-on-one.
She gave me the ‘I need space to figure out what I want but still love you and want to work on things’ line, and I said “Aaa, okay. I wish you all the best.” I made it clear that I’m willing to reconcile as well, as long as ’space’ doesn’t mean hopping back on the carousel and then coming back to me afterwards.
I don’t contact her at all, other than brief responses when she reaches out. She calls or texts me almost daily, and one night when I wasn’t picking up, she called me 4 times just to say, in tears, that she just calls because she misses me. I replied that this is confusing, and now I feel like I need space to process. (Wrong move?)
Well, if you’re following what’s in “7 Principles To Get An Ex Back,” and your girlfriend says she needs a break, then a day or two later she’s texting you, you should assume that she’s tired of the break and she wants to see you. And then, you invite her over to make dinner at your place. You hang out, you have fun, you hook up. Simple as that.
A couple days ago, she called asking if we can meet up and talk soon. I hesitated, then said “Ehh… sure, why not.” I said that she can come to MY place, and I’ll pick up some steaks and we’ll cook dinner.
Wish me luck.
It’s pretty simple, dude. Hang out, have fun, and hook up. And part of when you’re hanging out at dinner, you should have a long discussion and you should share the perspective that I went over in the beginning of this video on how to tactfully handle this. But if she’s going to be of the mind that she’s going to want to continue to hang out one-on-one with other dudes, then you’ve got to say, “Look, that’s just not my value system, and I’m not going to be interested in getting back together with you or dating you if you think it’s okay to go out one-on-one with other guys. It bothers me.”
“I’ve thought about it, and it’s not appropriate for me to go and do that. It doesn’t matter about trust, because it’s just simply, us guys know how men are, and it’s inappropriate. And if you want to continue to hang out one-on-one, even when you’re in a relationship, then that just tells me we have values that are in conflict and it’s not going to work. So, the only way I’m going to entertain giving you another chance to be my girlfriend again is if we agree up front that this kind of behavior is just not going to happen.”
“There is going to be no one-on-one drinks, or coffee, or lunches, or anything with members of the opposite sex for you or for me. And if we can’t agree on that, it’s like, Hey, I wish you well, you can wish me well, I hope you find what you’re looking for. But I can’t be in a relationship with a woman who’s going to want to constantly go out with dudes one-on-one that are not me. It just doesn’t work for me.”
Second Viewer’s Email:
I read your book 10 times, almost there!
I assume he means 10 to 15 times.
I’m 23, getting a master’s degree in college in France. I met this 22-year-old at a social gathering. We talked for a couple of minutes, but I didn’t get the chance to get her number, since she left early on and I didn’t see her. Anyway, I found her on Instagram, so I followed her, she followed me back, and a week later I sent her a text. I kept it extremely short and to the point, (2 sentences). She said, “Yes, why not. When would you like to go out?” I asked for her availability instead and set the date and time.
That’s what you’re supposed to do.
We met had a drink, great conversation, she did 90% of the talking — fun things, her family, love story of her parents, with whom she has a healthy relationship. She kept her phone and social media open, showing me things, no shit tests whatsoever. I was the one who was 5 minutes late. I didn’t kiss her. Instead, I gave her a passionate hug, (the booty hug), because I learned the hard way that things are different here in this country, and kissing kind of weighs a bit more here.
That’s just one woman, dude. I totally disagree with you on that. If the girl likes you, she’s going to want to kiss you. It doesn’t matter what cultural background you’re in. You had one date with one girl that didn’t go as well, and I would say it’s because she didn’t like you. If she got upset and chastised you for trying to kiss her, it’s because she didn’t want to kiss you.
You could not tell that she didn’t want to be kissed. There is the kiss test that’s discussed in the book, and if you follow what’s in there, you don’t have to worry about getting rejected. So, because you kissed a girl when you didn’t realize that she didn’t want to be kissed, you assumed that all women were like this. And that is a big mistake. That’s why it’s so hard for men to figure this stuff out on their own. They just haven’t had the repetitions, and one thing happens, something goes sideways once, and then you paint all women with a broad brush, and you’re wrong.
Basically, last year a girl was referring to me as her boyfriend after 3 dates, and you’re expected to be monogamous from the start. I know, French people suck.
Well, that would tell me that if after three dates the girl wants you to be her boyfriend, she’s probably a little needy and insecure. It has nothing to do with “French people.”
Anyway, I called her a week later. She didn’t answer, so I left a message on Insta the next day after. (I tried to reach out to call me back when she gets the chance.) She texted me the next day, “Oh shit, I forgot to call you back. I was at a party. Why did u call me,” while in the beginning, she apologized for forgetting to reply to a message that needed no reply. (When she sent me her phone number, I just said, “Hi, have a good day. See you tomorrow.”) I replied the next day, “That’s great. Hope you had fun. I called to see what’s your schedule is like. When are you free?” She replied the next day with a specific day…
Notice she’s taking a long time to reach back out. Maybe because she doesn’t check her Instagram messages too often. But more than likely, because Instagram will pop up if you’ve got your notifications turned on, and say, “Hey, you got a message from so-and-so.” Unless, of course, you get bombarded like I do, and tend to ignore all of those things.
I just go in a few times a week and respond to my messages from people that I’m in contact with, because it’s overwhelming. Social media is overwhelming. And, you know, you’ve got messaging apps, you’ve got texting. And I get bombarded by messages, and I don’t want to sit there and trade videos and pictures and crap over Instagram and other social media apps, but that’s me. The phone is for setting dates anyway. It’s in the book. You said you read it ten times. You should know that.
…to which I said, “I unfortunately can’t because I have exams the day after.” I offered Friday, but she told me her bff was visiting her that weekend, and if we can see about it the next week. I said, “Of course. When I finish my exams, we’ll call each other and set up something then.”
So, it sounds like he kind of annually got stuck on “it’s more masculine to call.” It doesn’t mean you have to call, it just shows more confidence. But this particular girl likes to text. And you’ll see ,as we get to the end of it, he gets really mad and upset about that. It’s like, you can’t behave that way.
I texted her 10 days later that I want to see her, when she’s free? Again, she replied the next day, “Yes, for sure. When are u free?” I offered a date. She offered a time we met again for drinks. She came 5 minutes later. I checked her, she apologized, no shit tests for the rest of the date, great chemistry. She asked me, what’s my goal behind me asking her out? I answered that that I just date. I have no expectations, and whatever comes out, I’m fine with it. We were making out later.
I offered to walk her home because she lived 5 minutes away, instead of inviting her to come over. she didn’t want to, and I was cool about it. She mentioned a restaurant and that we should go there at 4 am, to which I said, “Of course. I like the idea.” She walked with me to the metro station, we kissed again. The day before this date was her birthday, so I gave her a $15 gift I bought her.
Well, she’s not your girlfriend. You shouldn’t be buying gifts. That’s right out of the book. You claim to have read it ten times, but you’re violating the principles, bro. You only buy gifts for girlfriends or your wife — somebody that you’re actually in a relationship with, not with a girl on her second date. It’s too much, too soon. And keep in mind, she’s taking 24 hours to reply to your messages, so you should pay attention to that.
I was a bit hesitant to do so, because it’s the 2nd date, but I did it anyway because I figured that if something really comes out of this, birthdays are once a year.
Again, you’re rationalizing, going against what’s in the book. Because gifts, especially on the second date, come off as a bribe for sex and a relationship. Because that’s what beta males that don’t know any better do. They’re constantly buying things for the girls, hoping to impress her and cause her to like them more. It’s just too much, too soon. You’re being way too serious.
She sent me a text thanking me that night. I replied, “Glad you like it. Get some rest and good night.” I called her the next week. Again, she didn’t call back. I didn’t leave any message this time. She sent me a text 2 days later asking me how I am, and “IF” I called her. To which I replied, “I’m great, thanks for asking. Lol, of course I would’ve called you. I have courses until 6 pm. You can call me back tonight when you’re free.”
He’s like, “You’ve got to call me!”
What is it with this behavior? I get that she’s probably testing to see if I’m butt-hurt, but does this ever end?
He’s literally mad and butt-hurt over the fact that she doesn’t call him back, she texts him. But the fact is, she’s responding back. If she didn’t want to talk to you, you wouldn’t hear from her. It’s like, come on, dude. The reality is the book is a guide. It’s not etched in stone. But, come on. You can tell, little things like this, and he’s like, “Argh!” You went out on two dates with this girl, and you’re already getting mad, ready to blow your top.
During the date, she gives me all kind signs of high interest. I’m thinking about asking her out one more time and try to HHH if not I’m moving on.
Dude, relax. Relax. “Slow and steady, like the river that never grows stale. No hurry. No rush.”
I have patience…
No, you don’t, dude.
…but I don’t have that much time for the BS.
There is no BS. So, she likes to text. It’s okay. You can text her. The book gives you the option to text or to call. It’s just, it’s more masculine to call. But if she constantly messages you back instead of calling, you should also look at it and recognize it’s not super high interest, but she is kissing you and she is responding. She’s just taking her time. And if you get upset, and you get butt-hurt, and you blow your top, poof! She’ll probably stop responding to you.
She can’t even have a phone call, yet she never flakes, always makes herself available, and she said she doesn’t have a boyfriend, only has been in 1 relationship for 7 years. She’s been single for 4 years now, (that’s what she said).
Any help would be appreciated.
Calm down, dude. Seriously, it’s not a big deal. You’re making a mountain out of a molehill. Like I said, if I take a step back and I look at this situation, she definitely seems interested, but I would rate her interest at maybe a five or a six, because she’s waiting a full day, a full 24 hours to get back to you. And she’s not calling, probably because she’s just not feeling that comfortable on that level. But if she was in love with you, she’d be calling you and FaceTiming you.
You went on two dates, dude. Just because you bought her a $15 gift does not mean you’re entitled to her to start treating you like she’s your girlfriend. You kissed once. And you have to follow what’s in the book: hang out, have fun, hook up, create an opportunity for sex to happen. And that’s it. Be patient. Stop looking for reasons to blow your top and get mad or upset because she’s not matching exactly what you expect. You should just take it as constructive feedback that she’s not as into you as you obviously are into her.
You like her more than she likes you. It’s nothing to get butt-hurt over. You’ve just got to understand, you are like right on the cusp of overpursuing, and getting mad, and getting butt-hurt, and getting perturbed. And soon as she senses that, because her interest isn’t super high, if you blow your top on her and get really angry, she will probably ghost you. So, you better calm down, and take your time, and relax. It’s in the bag. How would James Bond act? He’s not in a rush.
So, if you’ve got a question or a challenge and you’d like to get my help, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.