Is She Toxic, or Am I Selfish or Both?
How to determine if the person you are dating is toxic, or if you are just being selfish and have unreasonable expectations.
In this video coaching newsletter, I discuss two different emails from two different viewers. The first email is from a viewer who is twenty-three and dating a woman who is twenty. He became a little needy and dopey about his feelings towards her. She backed off but suggested that they be friends with benefits. He agreed but has kept trying to get her to become his girlfriend, even though she is dating and sleeping with other guys.
The second email is from a guy who met a woman seven years ago who he recently reconnected with at a friend’s wedding, and they started dating. She has recently gotten mad at him and has been somewhat verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive towards him. He’s not sure what to do or if she is even a good dating prospect. My comments are in bold italics like this below in the bodies of their emails.
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First Viewer’s Email:
Hi Coach Corey,
I really need advice on this. I’m 23 and I met this girl (20) 6 months back. Things went downhill when I acted needy and confessed my feelings for her one night, which led her to tell me she had a crush on me initially but has since lost that feeling. That led me to your work, and I have been watching a ton of your videos ever since. I have also read the book once and will be going back to it again.
One thing I often see in situations like this, where guys are involved with women that are kind of toxic, they’re trying to use what’s in the book, “How To Be A 3% Man,” to correct her toxic behavior. And a big part of what this book does is to help you screen out the good women, the good prospects, from the bad prospects. The women who will be nice and respectful towards you, from the ones that are just toxic and need to get the hell out of your life.
I see this quite a bit. I see it in my phone sessions and I see it in the emails — guys that are just ignoring the reality of the woman and thinking that if they just apply the things in the book, you’ll be able to paper over the problems that she has. But the purpose of applying what’s in the book is it brings out the best in the best right away and the worst in the worst right away, so you can get out before you get too emotionally invested. But obviously, these guys are pretty emotionally invested at this point.
You want to be a serious student, man. You want to read it 10–15 times, because you’re in the middle of a situation here, you just read the book once, and you’re eventually going to go back to it. All that tells me is you’re trying to cherry pick. And that might get you some attainable success initially, but it won’t be sustainable.
She proposed that we be friends with benefits instead, and I just went along with it.
From a masculine perspective, when she says “friends with benefits” or when she tries to stick you in friendzone and you agree to it, that means you’re congruent with it. And so, this is your first mistake, agreeing to be friends with benefits if that’s not what you’re really seeking.
When a woman finds out that you don’t really mean what you said, then you’re not being congruent. She’s not going to trust your masculine core, which obviously is going to cause her to lose attraction for you.
While we were seeing each other, I followed your advice and just hang out, have fun and hook-up with her. With that, I had more successes with raising her attraction, but I could never see her attraction level going beyond a 6 when we are apart. (It’s higher during a date.)
Again, you’re just cherry picking what’s in the book, and on top of that trying to date a woman and treat her like she’s a good girlfriend prospect. And obviously, from her behavior, she’s just not.
I don’t text her until she initiates and kept our conversations short. I would arrange a date whenever she texts me, but I could tell from the frequency and energy that her attraction level was never at 8/9.
The other problem is your mindset is all wrong. You’re focused on locking this girl down and making her your girlfriend and getting her attraction level to go up. That tells me you’re all fixated on her and you have no other prospects. You’re not even open to any other prospects.
That makes it even harder, because she’s got several guys in her life. And obviously in your case, she’s the only one in your life, because you’re focused on making her your girlfriend. It’s like you committed to her being friends with benefits, meaning both of you were free to date and hook up with other people, but you didn’t really mean what you said. And that’s a big part of your problem here.
One time, she told me that I should inform her if I am hooking up with other girls, and I told her she should too. She asked me what would I do if she did, to which I replied, “I’m out.” (I regretted saying that now, because that shows I’m insecure.)
It means that you’re not congruent with your words. That’s what that really means. It means that you said you were cool with being friends with benefits, and in reality you weren’t congruent with that. So you were lying to her. You were lying to yourself and lying to her.
This led her to end things with me soon, because she actually had a few guys lined up for hookups after she started using dating apps recently. I wished her the best and asked her to contact me if she changed her mind.
She came back after cancelling her plans with guy A, ended things again after 2 weeks, then came back after she had sex with guy B. The second time she told me she missed me, which I then set a date and we hooked up. She asked what if she were to do it again, and I told her I am not taking her back.
She already knows that your words and your actions aren’t congruent and you don’t mean what you say. And for her to ask you that and you be like, “I’m not going to take you back,” she knows you’re full of shit. She’s already gotten away with it on several occasions, so it’s amusing. Just like a cat, now she’s got a little plaything to play with. “Oh really? You won’t take me back? Well, we’ll see about that.”
I wanted to be alpha and stick to my words.
One month passed and I could tell from her actions that she became more attached to me, but yesterday, she told me she had sex with another guy recently after we had sex at my place. She told me she likes me, (*eyes rolling*), and misses me when I’m not around, but she doesn’t know if that feeling is just “out of habit.”
So she’s just riding the waves of her emotions. You’re all focused on making her your girlfriend and locking her down to a commitment, and she’s just out having a good time and getting drilled by as many dudes and she feels she likes.
I feel lost now and I don’t know which is the better option.
Well, you shouldn’t even be looking at it as options. You’ve got to see this woman for what she really is. She’s simply a friends with benefits. Remember what Maya Angelou said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” So, if you look at her actions and what she said in the beginning, which was friends with benefits, that’s what she’s all about.
And you’re trying to turn the ‘ho into the housewife, and you’re going to make her into a respectful woman and save her from all those other guys that she’s hooking up with and getting her insides rearranged by, that’s just delusional thinking. You’re projecting an unreasonable fantasy onto her of what you want, and you’re ignoring the fact that she’s riding the cock carousel, if you will.
Should I be congruent with my words and stop seeing her?
You should do whatever the hell you want to do, bro. If you’re looking for a girlfriend or a future wife, she ain’t it.
Should I continue to see her because I love her, but I’m afraid she’ll lose respect for me and eventually leave?
This is just a friends with benefits, and now you want to tell her that you love her? Dude, she’s a drifter. She’s just passing through.
I also know she will not be a good partner, as she has cheated and will probably do it again when I stop courting her properly.
Well, you’re not really courting her, dude. You’re just one of the guys she’s having sex with. That’s reality.
Anyway, thank you so much for your work. I am forever grateful to you for changing and improving my life and many others’.
Read the book 10–15 times, and you’ve got to see this chick for what she really is. She’s just out to have a good time. It doesn’t mean you can’t have fun with her while you look for a good girlfriend, but if she’s strictly a friends with benefits, I wouldn’t call or text her for any reason. Whenever she reaches out, make a date. Hang out, have fun and hook up.
But don’t ever make the mistake of thinking she’s going to become a good girlfriend, even if you are able to raise her attraction level. Because the reality is, even if she falls in love with you and wants to be exclusive, her interest goes up and eventually it’ll go down because you’ll get lazy and complacent, and she’s a drifter. And so, when she starts to recognize that her feelings aren’t there anymore, she’ll starting hanging out with and dating other guys. Because you’ve already given her permission to fuck other dudes while she’s fucking you. You’ve done it on numerous occasions.
So no matter what you say or what you do, you’ve already told her you’re okay with it and that even if she screws around on you, she can get away with it because you let her get away with it. So there’s not consequences. Again, you’ve got to see this girl for what she is. She’s just a friends with benefits, fuck buddy, sex playmate.
And I would also make sure you wear protection with a girl like his. This is how you get the gift that keeps on giving, by dating and hooking up with women like this in the raw, that are very open about how they’re hooking up with numerous other dudes. You’ve got to be smart. You’ve got to protect your member. Wear your raincoat, gentlemen.
Second Viewer’s Email:
I just want to say thank you for everything you do you’re an absolute legend. I have read your book well over 15 times and was hoping you could help me with something figure out what went wrong with my last relationship, as I don’t think it was me on this occasion.
Well, again, “How To Be A 3% Man” assumes that you’re dealing with or looking for the woman of your dreams. It’s not about a fuck buddy, friends with benefits or sex playmate. Even though you can use what’s in there to do that, if you’re looking for a relationship, a girlfriend, or somebody to marry ultimately, this book with help you screen out the women that are not good prospects for that. But you’ve got to see reality as it is, not better than it is or worse than it is.
I started dating a girl who I met on holiday 7 years ago. She was from Scotland, and I was from Liverpool, England. Nothing happened when we met. We spent a few days together, but my friends and I went our way and she went hers. Anyway, 7 years later my friend who I served in the Navy with was getting married and guess who just happened to be the maid of honor?
Anyway, we started dating. I only ever used the phone to set dates. The problem was I could only spend full weekends with her, as it was long distance. I would go to hers one weekend, then she would come to mine the next. After a few months, I realized she liked to drink and when she got drunk, she didn’t know when to stop.
No drama allowed. Thanks, but not thanks. Check please. It’s not your job to babysit her or to fix her or to solve her alcohol or drug problems. I’ve seen these kinds of situations with lots of dudes over the years in phone sessions, and what you see happening is it’s really interesting to look back on your own family history.
People that had family members with drug or alcohol problems or maybe mental health issues, they got in the habit of trying to fix or save or cover for their family members. So what’s interesting is, when they grow up and they start dating, they find women like this that have problems, and right away they go into nurturing mode because it feels normal to them.
Because they were raised in an environment where oftentimes they had somebody like that and they just feel the need, “I’m going to fix her. I’m going to save her. I’m going to help her with her over-drinking. I’ll be such a good boyfriend that she just won’t want to do those things anymore.”
That’s the wrong way to approach it. You’re looking at it going, “Wow, that’s a major red flag. Actually, my attraction and my interest is going to drop a little bit because of that.”
Sometimes I would end up just going to bed, because she was just too wrecked. When she was sober though, she was the nicest person.
Jekyll and Hyde. That sounds like a lot of fun. That sounds like a lot of drama. And for me, my life is a drama free zone. No drama allowed.
This one week, she found out some bad news that her grandad was dying. I asked her to sit down and talk to me about it. She decided in her usual fashion to hit the wine, then proceeded to make me feel very unwelcome.
What’s the upside with this chick?
She told me she needed space; however, I was 4 hours away from home and had nowhere to go. I actually ended up staying at her brother’s house that night because she was in such a state, and I just couldn’t be arsed with it.
The next day, I drove home. She texted me saying how sorry she was and that she just wasn’t dealing with things well. I said, “Look, if you want to talk about it give me a call and we’ll sort it out.” She didn’t call. She said she fell asleep, Lol.
Guess it was really important. These are the kinds of things that when they happen, and they happen enough times, you go, “I like this girl a lot, she’s a lot of fun, but she’s a mess.” Plus, on top of that, she’s four hours away. What’s the upside for that?
The next day she asked me to phone her, which I didn’t because let’s face it, why would I. I then got pure abuse, telling me what a horrible person I was and that I wasn’t understanding.
So, when you think about it from this perspective, when somebody treats you well, when they appreciate your time, they keep their commitments with you, they respond in a timely manner to your phone calls and your texts, they’re genuinely glad to her from you, they get the gift of your time. It’s the greatest gift you can give anybody.
But when they treat you like this, when they get drunk and they can’t hold their liquor, when you drive four hours to go spend time with her and she gets absolutely smashed to the point where she’s not even pleasant to be around and you have to go stay at her brother’s house? Nah, I’m not going to give somebody who just treated me that way more of my time.
And that’s why you do these things, so the messed up chicks misbehave and the drama comes out right away. Then you can go, “No drama, mama. No drama allowed.”
I told her, “Look, you said you needed space, so take some time to get your thoughts together and let me know when you want to get together.” A couple of days went by, then she reached out. I told her I’d love to see her and set a date in a couple of weeks’ time. A week went by, then suddenly my phone blew up with abuse! I don’t care about her, I’m unsympathetic, etc. I told her I was just giving her the space she asked for, but she wasn’t having it.
This sounds like a chick that has no chill. And that tells me that there was probably a lack of a strong, masculine presence in the home. In other words, there wasn’t a strong father figure who could get her to calm down and talk. Instead, she’d just lose her shit emotionally when she was a little girl, and now that she’s all grown up, this is what she learned. She has no chill, so she just loses her shit on a pretty good dude.
I don’t understand. Should I have been texting her asking how everything was?
Hey, this ain’t the 1950s anymore. If she wanted to talk to you, she could have reached out. But again, this is why you apply what’s in the book. It brings out the best in the best and the worst in the worst. And what you’re seeing is it’s bringing out the worst in her.
So what does that mean? It means she’s out, bro. It means that the book worked as designed. It showed you her true colors. And I know it’s tough, because you obviously care about her, but she’s just not the kind of prospect that you’re looking for.
As far as your book goes, I should set a date and get off the phone! Especially if she’s indicated that things were moving too fast.
You did everything right, dude. This is not your issue. This is her issue. She’s the needy, insecure, fucked up one. Look at how she’s behaving. She’s abusing you verbally, emotionally and mentally. That means you withdraw from somebody that treats you that way. You don’t reward them with more of your time so they can continue abusing you. That just enables her behavior and says it’s okay to keep treating you that way.
Deep down, she knows it’s not appropriate, and she’s hoping some guy has the balls to put her in her place. And maybe it takes her losing two to three guys like you, and getting older and recognizing that if she wants a dude to stick around, she can’t behave this way.
After giving me more abuse and her calling me selfish one too many times, I told her we should just call it a day.
Sweet, I like it.
That’s not really how I wanted things to go, though. Is she toxic?
Or am I selfish?
Maybe, but it’s good to be selfish a little bit just like I talked about. Because you’ve got to have goals and values that you’re committed to. And obviously, from a value perspective, she doesn’t match your values, so therefore, she’s out. And this is how you protect yourself and protect your heart from people that just have the no chill factor like her, and they want to bring drama into your life.
I’ve done countless phone sessions with guys that end up getting in relationships with women like this, and the drinking and the issues, they continue to compound themselves and get worse. Sometimes they don’t drink and get out of control for a month or two. And then, as soon as they hit the bottle again, they just go off the deep end, they cause a scene, they’re really nasty.
If she doesn’t think she has a problem, she won’t do anything about it. She says she’s going to stop, she stops for a while, then she goes right back to it. And in that case, if they won’t help themselves, you either put up with it and the fact that she’s going to create drama occasionally, or you say “Check please.”
Or both? I feel spending full weekends together possibly made her feel trapped, but I don’t see how I could have avoided this.
Yeah, dude. It’s not you, it’s her. It’s totally her, because women with high interest and a good attitude love spending time with you. I’ve got plenty of examples from my own life, where I met women at seminars or on a vacation. When it was love at first sight and the connection is there, you go from being single and searching to all of a sudden you meet somebody and you’re literally always together after that. It’s beautiful when that happens.
To me, those are divinely orchestrated. Those are people that are supposed to be in your life. God put those people in your life path because they had a gift for you, and you have a gift for them. And this woman has a gift for you, but the gift is you’ve got to grow a set of balls and be strong enough to say, “As much as I like this girl, she’s just a mess,” because no drama allowed.
Another problem was the fact that everywhere was closed due to Covid, and actual dating was next to impossible. Hope you can help.
Cheers Corey, love you man,
Like I said, it really doesn’t matter dude. She showed you her true colors. You know what she’s all about. And so, therefore, it’s up to you to say, “I’m outta here.”
So if you haven’t read “How To Be A 3% Man” or my second book “Mastering Yourself,” you can read both of them for free at UnderstandingRelationships.com. If you’d like to book a coaching session, if you’ve got a situation you’re kind of emotionally invested in and you’re not sure whether or not it’s good to stay in it and you want my unvarnished opinion, go to UnderstandingRelationships.com, click the Products tab at the top of your screen and book a coaching session with yours truly.
“In order to reach your full potential, you have to be somewhat selfish in putting your needs first, so you can make sure everyone and everything in your life is aligned with your goals and values. Tolerating low quality people and settling for less than what you really want or are capable of invites more of the same. Like tends to attract like. Good quality people attract other good quality people. Successful people attract other successful people. What you focus on will expand and grow. Therefore, choose wisely!” ~ Coach Corey Wayne